Just can't get over him no matter how wrong he was for me!

[jphcbpa]

Look at his actions vs his words. Time for you to take action (NC) and use less words.

 

Whatever was said during the relationship is void at this point. Forget all of that, over analogizing will set you back and in fact it is none of your business.

[brokengirl85]

No contact won't make him to come back to you. You can try, one, a dozen times, if he's not in love with you he won't came back.

[d0nnivain]

No you don't need to announce to him that you are going NC.

 

In your case the NC is for you. You need to stay away from him so you have time to heal.

 

You only announce NC when the other person is chasing you & you want them to stop. That is not the case here. He wants "space". Translation he was lying when he said eventually he will contact you again.

 

You don't need to announce to him that you will not be reaching out to him again. He will notice because you will be absent & he will enjoy the break from your admitted clinginess. The absence of your calls, texts & e-mails will give him peace so this 21 year old man child can continue getting high with his buddies and hanging out with them.

 

You tried to change the rules without consulting him & it didn't work. You both said you didn't want anything serious but then you interpreted his decreased pot smoking & increased time spent with you as meaning he was ready to live together. Of course he freaked and ran away.

 

Let him go. You were on different pages but you didn't realize that.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm going to dish out some tough love here. Nell, GET A GRIP. This kid is 21. You are a 29 year old woman, pining for someone who just wants to party and has no idea who he is yet. YOU are the adult here. It's time to start acting like one.

 

Get into counseling. It's incredibly helpful. Realize that YOU are lovable and amazing. Yes, I understand, this BU is still fresh and it hurts, and that you've only just gone NC. But you have serious self-esteem problems to be thinking this KID was the one for you. It is time to grow up and finally love yourself. It is time to understand that you deserve true, loving, adult behavior.

 

Do you want to sit around feeling sorry for yourself, living in the past? Or do you want to begin living your NEW life, TODAY? I will choose the latter, each and every time.

 

You're mourning for someone who doesn't deserve an ounce of your energy. It is time to say, "I'm amazing, I deserve better, and he sucks!"

[Satu]

He is 21, and you are 29.

 

That means you live on different planets.

 

Have a good time on your planet, and leave him to do the same on his.

[Oregon_Dude]

And OP? Before you think I'm being a massive jerk, please realize that for the last month, I've been questioning why my 21 year old GF broke up with me. And then I woke up one day and thought, "She's 21. She's a child who has very few of the maturity and communication skills required to make an adult relationship work." From that point on, I realize it wasn't my fault, and the only mistake I made here was getting involved with someone so young. I am 31 years old. What the f*ck was I even thinking?!

[SoulCat]

OP, you are a 29 year old divorced mother of a 6 year old. He's a 20 year old kid who likes to hang out with his mates and not taking life too seriously for the time being.

 

Like previous posters have pointed out, you are at totally different stages in your lives.

It's not going to work.

 

 

And calling him your 'forever love' is not only presumptuous and premature, it's also desperately clingy and suffocating, especially to someone his age.

[nellbell86]

Well it's been 6 weeks and 1 day since my whole world came crashing down around me, and I still feel like I'm at square one. I did EVERYTHING wrong, in the beginnimg I blew up his phone with calls, texts, going around to his house, buying him gifts, talking to his family, the whole crazy kit and kaboodle. I completely lost myself, I said to him "I gave you everything of me, and now you've taken that with you", I just feel like an empty shell. Even my poor best friend just yesterday was in tears herself when she came to visit me, still in my pjs at midday cos I can't be bothered doing anything, she said I'm just not me anymore and she doesn't even know how to help me. EVERY DAMN DAY I find some reason to still text him, most of the time with no response, as so many people here have said, its an addiction, and getting that 'fix' of reaching out to them is really hard to stop! He replied the other day, saying we will talk again, when "both parties can move on, we can explore future contact" and said "I did love you very much, I just don't anymore". You'd think that would be enough of a straightforward kick in the teeth for me to let go and move on right? WRONG! I still naively hold onto hope that one day he'll come to his senses and come running back into my arms. Augh I get so angry at myself for letting some 21 year old punk have so much control over me!!

 

I went on a date the other night, luckily it was an old friend who knows what I've been through with my ex, cos we went and had a lovely dinner, great conversation, but when we went back to his place and he tried making a move on me, I lost it. Started crying, pulling away from him, he was understanding, and I left and came home. Just the thought of being physical with someone else kills me! To top it off I had a REALLY VIVID dream last night of me and ex having sex, so that's upset me as well, cos damn it was good and I miss it sooooo much!!

 

I've been doing all the things I'm 'meant' to do, going out wuth friends, seeing family, keeping busy with cleaning and shopping and all that kind of thing, but every little spare second I have is filled with thoughts of him. The only thing I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet is No Contact. I really thought I was ready for it, and sometimes I'll go a whole day without texting him and feel really proud of myself, then bam a weak moment hits and I'll end up doing it. I feel like now it's been 6 weeks and I haven't been able to respect his wishes for space that I've ruined any chance of redeeming myself in his eyes even if I did do No Contact now. I KNOW I KNOW before you even say it, NC is about me, not him, I totally get that, but I would like to regain some dignity and respect in his eyes, even if we don't get together again, I want him to think better of me than the crazy emotional woman I have been over the past few weeks.

 

Do you think I've ruined all chances of that, or it's never too late for NC to help mend some of the damage that begging/pleading/crying caused?

[neowulf]

Do you think I've ruined all chances of that, or it's never too late for NC to help mend some of the damage that begging/pleading/crying caused?

 

Hun, it doesn't *matter* what he thinks of you. He's no longer going to be part of your life. Your relationship is OVER.

 

You need to gently, but firmly take yourself in hand and GET A GRIP.

 

If you can't trust yourself not to text him, then delete his number from your phone.

 

This isn't about him anymore, it's about allowing yourself the emotional space to grieve. He's gone, he's not coming back. It's done.

 

The sooner you can accept that, feel it, allow the grief to pass through, the sooner you'll begin to heal.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. The end of a relationship, especially one where you feel so strongly can be excruciating, but it will lessen with time and space.

 

If you need additional support or tools, I'd suggest speaking with a professional.

[nellbell86]

Hi all! Well for the past 7 weeks I have been nothing short of an emotional nutcase regarding my ex, texting him several times a day every day, begging, pleading, the whole lot! Finally over the past, I'd say week, I've been getting my strength back and have held off, and have cut it down to maybe 1 text every couple of days, and am going to go NC as of today. I finally feel strong enough that I can get through a day without it.

Isn't it funny though, all the websites etc and all their advice on how dumpee/dumpers deal with the break up, actually seems quite accurate, well in my case anyway! First off, the dumpee feels the pain, goes into out of control emotional mode, cries, talks it out, etc and then finally comes to terms with it and starts to move on. On the other hand, the dumper first feels relief, parties, does all the things they want to do, then when that wears off the reality of the split settles in and they start doubting it, sometimes coming back to the dumpee when they realise their mistake.

 

In the first few weeks he had his mates there all the time, smoking weed and drinking, getting him through that initial 'party' phase. But now that's really tapered off, I know hes spending most days/nights at home alone playing video games or watching tv, he's started asking about me (we have a mutual friend he knows spends alot of time with me) he's been asking her how I am, what I'm doing etc and said to her that he does miss me but still doesn't know what he wants. He's still very cold toward me in texts etc, but I'm wondering if thats cos he doesnt want to show me any emotion etc cos hes still figuring it out himself. I'm going NC to get myself even further along the road to recovery now I'm finally on it, but also in hopes that once he doesn't have that constant 'reassurance' that I'm there anymore from my constant texts, that the loneliness and regret will really sink in. Not tooting my own horn but I was an amazing girlfriend, hes young and I think just got scared off by how serious it was getting and pulled away rather than discussing it.

Augh fingers crossed!

[d0nnivain]

He's not going to come back. He's asking because at bottom he's not a jerk. He knows breaking up with you hurt you & he doesn't particularly like that you are in pain. Wishing you well & hoping you are OK does not equate to wanting you back.

 

 

Focus on healing & getting your life on track without him.

[stillafool]

Of course he would ask your friend about you and how you're doing. He does care for you but it's doubtful he will want to get back together. It's been almost 2 months since the breakup and he would have caved by now if he wanted you back. I think you are being smart to go strictly NC but not to get him back but so you can heal.

[Oregon_Dude]

At the very core, you need to shift your thinking from how he's going - does he regret this, does he miss me - to YOU. "I'M doing better, I have plans tonight, I have a date, I'm feeling alright today."

 

In 90% of these things, the ex doesn't regret their decision and has made a new life without you. You'd be advantageous to do the very same.

 

In almost all these threads... the relationship is BROKEN. There is no fixing it. It's a tough pill to swallow, but once you do, life becomes easier knowing that you're embarking on a NEW chapter - instead of frantically trying to re-write the old one.

[Satu]

All that matters is how you feel and how your life is going.

 

He might be happy or he might be sad, but either way, it doesn't really matter.

 

You are the person at the centre of your existence.

 

Pour your energy into yourself.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[nellbell86]

It's been 8 agonizing weeks since I lost my one. He asked for space, I have done just about everything in the book WRONG since then, I've texted, called, visited him a few times (only in the first 2 weeks, havent seen each other since), snapchats, everything to keep contact. Started out with replying to me every now and then, now he doesn't reply at all. He spoke to a friend of mine a few weeks ago and said he loves me, he just needs this space to sort himself out, and in the future can see us together again. He has also recently been asking other mutual friends about me, how I am, what I'm doing, etc. But still refusing to actually talk to me.

 

I've finally cut down on my texting, figured there's no point, all it's doing is hurting me when he doesn't reply, and making me look desperate. I texted him a few days ago and said sorry I didn't see it sooner, that this space can do us both good, and I need to sort myself out too, so thankyou for this and I hope you can get things on track and be happy in yourself. We haven't been friends on Facebook for a while, but out of nowhere he then decides to block me a week ago, I dont understand, is he trying to get a response?! Then the start of this week, I went away for a couple of days with a mutual friend of ours, he's a great friend to me and saw I'm not coping so well so suggested we get away, just for 2 days. (Theres nothing there as he has a girlfriend), so into day 2 of our time away and my ex texts him saying "Seriously dude? Weird hearing you're spending time away with xxxx" then later that night I see that he has not only unblocked me on Facebook, but made it so I can see all his posts? I have no idea what's going on! He isn't seeing anyone, he's really messed up at the moment, has pushed even his closest mates away dealing with this stuff, just spending alot of time alone, at home, as he only works a casual job.

 

The mutual friend I went away with is going to have dinner with him tomorrow to try and chat with him and see what is going on with him, I just don't get it. The blocking and unblocking, saying things to friends but then not speaking to me, it's doing my head in!

[dumbass2]

I've read most of your other threads. You've really got to stop obsessing over this guy and leave him alone and gain some self respect back. He's still very young. He clearly does not want a relationship with you and you have yet to give him his space. He's tried letting you know and it seems that you get this second hand information from mutual friends and it gives you hope when his actions are showing you otherwise. Did you possibly go away with the mutual guy friend in hopes that it would get back to your ex to see how he would react? No one is going to be cool with a mutual friend of the opposite sex going away with an ex this soon. He blocked you on facebook so you wouldn't see things and be hurt any further. Now he unblocked you so you can look all you want and be hurt by what you see. It just appears that you have and continue to be in denial and very very obsessed with him and can't leave him alone. You need to start trying to help yourself.

 

It's harsh, but the bottom line is that he broke up with you and if he loved you and thought there was a future, he wouldn't have done that. You can't force someone to want you and that is what you are trying to do, but you're pushing him further and further away by your actions.

[Samuel_22]

It's been 8 agonizing weeks since I lost my one. He asked for space, I have done just about everything in the book WRONG since then, I've texted, called, visited him a few times (only in the first 2 weeks, havent seen each other since), snapchats, everything to keep contact. Started out with replying to me every now and then, now he doesn't reply at all. He spoke to a friend of mine a few weeks ago and said he loves me, he just needs this space to sort himself out, and in the future can see us together again. He has also recently been asking other mutual friends about me, how I am, what I'm doing, etc. But still refusing to actually talk to me.

 

I've finally cut down on my texting, figured there's no point, all it's doing is hurting me when he doesn't reply, and making me look desperate. I texted him a few days ago and said sorry I didn't see it sooner, that this space can do us both good, and I need to sort myself out too, so thankyou for this and I hope you can get things on track and be happy in yourself. We haven't been friends on Facebook for a while, but out of nowhere he then decides to block me a week ago, I dont understand, is he trying to get a response?! Then the start of this week, I went away for a couple of days with a mutual friend of ours, he's a great friend to me and saw I'm not coping so well so suggested we get away, just for 2 days. (Theres nothing there as he has a girlfriend), so into day 2 of our time away and my ex texts him saying "Seriously dude? Weird hearing you're spending time away with xxxx" then later that night I see that he has not only unblocked me on Facebook, but made it so I can see all his posts? I have no idea what's going on! He isn't seeing anyone, he's really messed up at the moment, has pushed even his closest mates away dealing with this stuff, just spending alot of time alone, at home, as he only works a casual job.

 

The mutual friend I went away with is going to have dinner with him tomorrow to try and chat with him and see what is going on with him, I just don't get it. The blocking and unblocking, saying things to friends but then not speaking to me, it's doing my head in!

He has literally broken up with you...space...BS...I never ask someone I love for some space, I ask someone whom I consider a nuisance, to give me some space...I don't wanna be harsh, and I don't to break any hearts, I am just shedding some light on what's going on...

The reason why he unblocked you on facebook? he felt jealous, I had a girlfriend with whom I broke up.... after a month when I saw that one of my friends had established a relationship with her, I felt really bad, but at least I had this decency to leave them alone...

If I were you, I would ask the mutual friend, to forget about talking about you 2...in my experience this makes things worse and more complicated

Go NC...it will be hard at first but things will be much better in 2 months, I promise...and he may realize his mistakes and come back full-heartedly...but don't count on it, the chance is something like 35% in your case

Good luck

[nellbell86]

Well we've been broken up for 9 weeks now, I have been relentless in my texts every few days, at first I went CRAZY but over the past couple of weeks I've cut it right down and now I've been NC for 3 days so far. The last time we saw each other in person was when I went to his place unannounced to drop off a gift I'd bought him (oh yeah, I did EVERYTHING a crazy person would do!) and of course I was emotional and cried and apologised, told him I love and miss him and will wait forever, all that crap.

 

Well today, I had a breakthrough, and I am SO proud of myself and how it went and I guess just wanted to share it. Walked into the shopping centre today, and there he is right infront of me. He looked in my direction and smiled, I waved as we walked up (me and my son) and I tapped his shoulder and said "Hi! Great to see you, how are you going?" He turned and said hi, gave me a big hug, we talked a bit about each of our plans for the evening, my son was practically jumping out of his skin to give him a hug, he was so excited to see my ex again, he adores him, and they had a big hug. I said to ex it was really nice to see him, he said you too, I said I'll see you in a couple of weeks for your birthday and he said yeah that will be really nice, then I said bye, we're in a rush so better go! Had another hug, then we left. I made sure I kept it really light, happy and casual, didnt say I love you or miss you or anything like that, I think left him wanting more, he seemed quite keen to keep the conversation going but it was me who walked away!

 

I am so proud of myself that I haven't shed a tear since, as I normally would've, and I feel like I left an impression of a much happier, positive person in his mind after that interaction. I've really been worried that all he'd think of is the pleading hysterical woman that I first turned into, but I'm hoping this positive interaction will help to change that, so when we catch up again in a couple of weeks for his birthday, that we can be in an even better place. I even said to him when I was leaving today, said I'll see u for your birthday, hopefully we'll be better, and he said yeah definitely. I'm planning on sticking with NC until then, give a couple of weeks for that positive impression to stick in his head.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're not looking to get back with him, are you.....?

[pidgeon1010]

Why go NC if you plan on reaching out to him on his birthday? I'm confused. It sounds like you still want him back and are trying to get him back by showing you are now calm and collected. It's good to work on yourself and get your emotions in check but don't be disappointed if it doesn't lead to reconciliation.

[nellbell86]

I'm still very much in love with him and would love to be with him again, but after today, I actually feel like I would be ok if we didn't, for the first time since all this has happened. Guess I'll just see what happens and not think about it too much in the meantime til we see each other again.

[nellbell86]

Sorry Pidgeon I wrote my other response before I saw yours. Of course I want him back or I wouldn't have put this in second chances

 

I suppose I'm trying to do NC now as in the beginning he asked for space to figure himself out and I went into crazy emotional overdrive and didn't give him that. I'd like to redeem what I can, work on myself more now I am feeling in a better state, and hopefully make a better impression this time around. I value him alot not only as my partner but as a person in my life, so even if reconciliation doesn't happen, I'd like to be in a good place for us to still keep some kind of positive contact in the future

[ilovemefirst]

They only start to regret when u truly let go..the NC only works, when your actually moving on, its an energy thing. Men smell desperation from miles away, hence why they move away when a woman isnt letting go. Believe me, ive had all my exes come back to me after a while, and it was always at the moment i let go and decide to move on.

[singme2sleep]

Of course he would ask your friend about you and how you're doing. He does care for you but it's doubtful he will want to get back together. It's been almost 2 months since the breakup and he would have caved by now if he wanted you back. I think you are being smart to go strictly NC but not to get him back but so you can heal.

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but I disagree. It's unclear whether he would try to come back (NOBODY CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE) but 2 months is nothing. Some people try to come back after years...you just never know. I'm also not saying you should believe he's coming back, as a dumpee you have to keep trying to move on. Just have faith in that whatever is meant to be will be.

[nellbell86]

Apologies in advance, this is gonna be a long one! Short recap of our RS - he's 20, I'm 29, met at a pub, from the get go things were absolutely ridiculously AMAZING, he was everything I wanted and more, made me feel incredible, said he'd never known anyone like me, found true love, etc etc. Little did I know that this is the typical foundation for a RS with a Narcissist, they become everything they know you want, to lure you in, I was the perfect 'supply' for him, older, better looking, secure in my job, overly loving/giving, I gave him my EVERYTHING and he even said he loved how much I loved him and loved showing me off.

 

This utter joy lasted a few months, then crept in the Devaluing. He'd start going out more often with his friends, or spend more nights at home rather than with me, wouldn't answer calls/texts, his phone was always 'on silent' or 'in the other room' but then make me feel like I was the crazy one for getting upset. It was always me making plans for us to go out, do things, spend my money on him, and he lapped it up, without giving in return. I became the 'clingy' one if I asked to come along to hang with his mates, blaming me for not inviting me "Oh well you're just so different and I can't be myself around them while you're there". In the end he had me blaming myself for everything and trying my damn hardest to keep him happy, changing my own beliefs and values to keep him.

 

Then, it came, out of the blue "I dont want a RS. I need to find myself, I love you but I don't want this anymore". And he went stone cold, immediately. I went absolutely bats*** crazy, bombarding him with texts, calls, visits, begging, apologising, you name it, I did it. He kept me dangling with half-hearted "I know you love me, maybe we'll connect again" all to still feed of the needy supply I was providing. He hasn't moved onto anyone else, but rather has gone back to his old ways, smoking pot ALL DAY EVERY DAY, hanging with stoner friends, sleeping all day, skipping work shifts (which is resulting in him getting close to losing his job - he's only a casual barman), and just generally not caring about life or anyone but himself. He is extremely self-centred and uses whatever he can to get any kind of 'supply' from anyone, he is a major hypochondriac, and more often than not recently is using illness, injury, whatever he can think of to get sympathy, attention, 'supply'.

 

Now 3 months down the track and I'm embarrassed to say I have not handled this well. He completely drained all the good from me, I am a shell of the bright, bubbly, independent, positive woman I was, and I HATE IT. I still text him ALL THE TIME, he is giving me the Silent Treatment, another Narcissistic trick, but every now and then throws something out there to keep me dangling just enough that he knows he can feed off me any time he chooses. I have lost weight, lost interest in even basic household chores (currently have 3 day old dishes in the sink and week old clothes to still put away), I've adopted a "What's the point" mentality on just about everything. I was a model for nearly 10 years so I pride myself on my appearance, always doing my make up and straightening my hair, dressing nicely etc. I just can't be bothered with any of that anymore. I hate that I have lost myself to this kid, this 20 year old pot smoker who says "Weed is life", doesn't have a license, lives at home, doesn't have any job/future aspirations, doesn't care about anyone else. I try to remind myself that the man I am pining over, the amazing one he was to start with, was never him, so why am I still so upset over someone who never truly existed. But that doesn't seem to help, I am still devastated every day. I go out with friends, have started drawing and journaling again, plan on going back to University next year, looking for a new job (I lost mine after we broke up and I had a complete breakdown!), looking into volunteer work, have a wonderful 7 year old son who is my world, I've been on 3 seperate dates and slept with 1 other guy, but none of that seems to help, I am so not ready for anyone else.

 

I know in the long run I am the one who will 'win' in a sense, cos I will get through this, I will make positive steps in my life and move forward with a degree, new job and a better sense of self, while he has stepped backwards into a drug induced lowlife haze. But at the moment, I am struggling so much day to day, and just don't know how to get out of it right now.