Question My Ex[25F] and I[27M] - talked last night after 1.5 month breakup

[sparkyspark]

Backstory:

 

My ex-girlfriend and I dated for about a year and a half. During this time we had mostly a ton of high notes, we had a blast together, enjoyed each others company, loved talking to each other, laughed, had fun, and went on fun dates and had great sex. But to her there was always something a little off. We spent a lot of time together, sleeping over daily and talking all day while at work. This wore us both out after all that time and little things started to creep up that would annoy the other person. They were never major just small things.

 

The major difference was that she is a spiritual lady who values religion and I never really understood this or tried to learn about this, even when pressed. I always stated I was Agnostic but open to the possibility of learning all about religion. We would talk about it and we would say we would but when push came to shove we never did this together and even though I wanted to it always fell off. This made her feel she wasn't the priority because I didn't take this seriously. We would just fall back to where we were, what we were doing.

 

We continued the relationship after having this conversation a few times months apart, we never really took a 'break' during this relationship. But towards the end everything was great, we took a mini vacation trip, dates, and everything. We had a great date 2 days before we broke up that we both mutually had a great time. And I was finally seeing the light on everything and putting in the additional work to show that she was the one. But then we don't see each other for a day because I had some work event and then the next day she breaks up with me stating she thinks we are 'too different' and our cultures don't match up. Lets just say that I was caught off guard (even though we had these talks before) since I was finally turning the corner and going above and beyond to show that she was the one. During this breakup talk I took it hard (as most of you understand), I did the normal things revolving begging and promising change but she was strong in her convictions, wrote her a lengthy letter talking about how we could turn this breakup into the foundation of something stronger. Even now I don't regret what I wrote in the letter to her after re-reading it a month+ later, I just wish I would have sent it NOW and not a few days after the fact.

 

The reason I say I wish I did now is because I believe we both needed to break up. We needed to take a step back to re-evaluate everything. We weren't making the necessary changes in our lives to make this a long term relationship/marriage. We both had our faults (her with being her own independent women with her family and me with my commitment to a relationship and my priorities) but because we enjoyed each other these issues would be brushed under the rug after having a conversation about it (and I wasn't the best at having these conversations to begin with and something I have worked on).

 

I admit now that this breakup was what I needed to push me in the direction that could make it work out for the long haul. I have been doing the reading about theology that I mentioned above on my own, been working out, no longer smoking, basically stopped my drinking (was only a social drinker on weekends to begin with). I have taken everything that was wrong in our relationship to heart to improve myself.

-----

 

The phone call yesterday - one hour+ conversation

 

Lets just say I couldn't help it and texted her saying I wanted to hear a familiar voice and catch up. I was honestly expecting no answer at all and would have accepted it. But she called me back immediately. We did the normal catching up, talking about our lives, what we have been doing, how we have been working on ourselves and in what ways. I told her all I said above about the general improvements to myself and how I have been taking everything she said to heart. I apologized for my earlier begging, and I told her I agreed that we needed a change to the relationship and breaking up was the right move at the time and that I kinda gave her no other choice because she deserves the best she can have.

 

We are on the phone for about an hour plus. Just laughing, talking about life, and gossiping. I tell her about my new found reading of religious texts that she was so mesmerized with. How I was working out, not drinking or smoking anymore, quit soda (this was big on my self improvement list), reading about communication and relationships. I eventually ask her what she thinks about going to dinner with me since it had been a while since we broke up but she says "I am sorry but I'm not ready yet to do that". She knows I want to reconcile and I feel she would have been straight and forthright with me if there was no chance in the future. She knows how much work I have put in to this and we share similar dreams and aspirations. I just don't know how to convince her beyond giving her more time apart to continue to work on herself while I work on me.

 

I am well prepared for the standard comment on this message board that I need to "move on" and "don't wait", but I truly believe if we went out together once it could change her impression about what we had. It is just how do I get her to that point. This isn't my first relationship and I am aware that breakups happen and you have to move on, but this one just felt different from the beginning so that is why I am even writing this just to seek an external opinion. I know that I just need to give her 'more time' and then reach out at a later point in time where we have had time to heal from this breakup and start over fresh and court her again.

 

Basically I am wondering have people been in a similar spot as this? Did you reconcile and how long did it take/what was the convincing thing you did to have them go out with you and give you an honest chance?

 

If anyone has any questions at all about anything I said above please let me know, I am happy to discuss further to shed more light on the situation.

[BlueIvy]

If she's agnostic and she's religious/spititual, how will the relationship be long lasting?

Your core beliefs don't align with one another?

 

I am an agnostic myself and I couldn't be with someone long term if they tried to push their beliefs on me. This applies to friends as well. Actually, none of my friends or men I date are particularly religious. My friends who do have a denomination respect my belief, or lack therof, hence the friendship has sustained itself.

 

What if you guys have kids together? Will they grow up learning about God/Allah/whatever? Would she be ok raising the kids as agnostic?

 

It seems you're a bit more open than she is, but it seems religion is a big deal for her..So, are you willing to modify your belief system for her?? Will you be happy not being yourself?

 

 

Also, when you love someone you accept them as is.

[quattrob]

TC you're still need more time away from her and focus on yourself before you think about possibilities of reconciliation. You're still trying to change yourself for someone else to get what you want. You're not really doing it for yourself since the whole purpose (at least a lot of focus) is on her. It is still way too early to even consider that.. People just don't change as big as you think you did that easily.. you might have stopped soda and all your other bad habits but for how long? It's easy to just stop and change those things but I can almost say once you got what you want, you'll slowly turn back to how you were.

 

 

So in order to truly change you need to really want to change for yourself and not for anything or anyone else. At this point, you're not there yet, not even close. Reaching out the way you did and the time that you did really ruined it for you in my opinion. You're back at square one. It's easy to tell others that you have accomplished and changed but that's not what matters. People will see that you have changed not from your mouth but from your actions and how you present yourself. When she is ready or have gotten enough time if she wanted see how you were, that's when she'll know if you've changed or not.

 

 

Anyways, your best bet is to keep working on yourself and forget about this girl for now. One last thing is that since you mentioned that you don't have the same religious belief as hers your relationship won't last long (as proven since you broke up). And forcing yourself to follow the same beliefs as her when you are against it seems to be a desperate move.

[sparkyspark]

Thank you both for your replies. I believe you both are correct. I know religion she thinks is important to her but she has never been a hard core believer, she just wanted me to share learning all of them with her and I just was distant to this and never did. She wanted me to share the spirituality and honestly I find this stuff fascinating. Lets just say I was never the best at wanting to read so it sounded like a chore, but once I have started I can't put the book down.

 

Just was too little too late.

 

I'll try to take what you both said to heart, I know it was probably too soon to reach out but it could have been worse, we had a great conversation and it wasn't awkward at all.

[lauri]

Man, reading your story about how you talked to your ex for an hour made me cringe. I am sorry to say but this actually was a huge mistake as it actually pushed her further away rather than closer. If you want her back you have to ask yourself this - does she want YOU back? All indications point to no at this point and I wouldn't expect them to change in the future.

 

Man, you spent that phone conversation trying to spin it off and show her how you're improving. It's almost like you're doing it to impress her. Your self improvements should be for yourself and only yourself.

 

It seems like she was checking out months before it actually ended. She was giving you so many signs and clues with her actions and words. You can do all the self impovements in the world but once a girl is done with you it's over, most of the times forever. It is extremely difficult to get a girl or be into you again.

 

She's not into you anymore. If she was, she would have said yes to going out with you. She will remember all the reasons of why you two broke up and it'll stay engrained in her mind for a long time. 1.5 months is nothing to move her feelings on this issue. Every phone call, every text or any form of communication moving forward with her will only validate her feelings.

 

Also, I've seen your story a million times on here and have lived it. Want to kmow my suggestion? Cut your losses and improve yourself. I'd go no contact now and block her in every possible way. It's all about you now - she had her chance.

[sparkyspark]

Lauri, I completely understand where you are coming from, thanks for your advice.

[movingonnow1]

Lauri, I completely understand where you are coming from, thanks for your advice.

 

I think your best option is to avoid talking to her all together.

 

Go NC and don't talk to her anymore. She doesn't deserve to receive an ego boost at your expense of your feelings. Protect yourself first and foremost.

[Gus Grimly]

sparkyspark, you seem like a very kind, hardworking and intelligent guy. Dunno if you know this already but, life isn't fair. You should NEVER change who you are or what you believe to impress another person. Strong relationships are all about equality, give and take. You doing all this work to change yourself for her is absolutely self-defeating. You gotta do it for you and you only. It can't be all about her and what she wants. Wait, your opinions, culture and beliefs don't matter only hers? Is that love?

 

What if you were the religious type and she was agnostic? Would you expect her to embrace your religion so you too could be more compatible? Hell no, and you can be certain she wouldn't make the effort. The whole "we are 'too different' and our cultures don't match up" is baloney. It's her way to "let you down easy". Just accept that it's over and move on. Hanging on to every thread she keeps dangling in front of your face is getting you nowhere fast.

 

You seem to already know what advice you're going to receive here. I'm not sure anyone will be able to enlighten you further on the subject as there's really nowhere else to go with it. Maybe she'll have a change of heart, maybe not. You just have to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait around until that fateful day to comes along.

[CT98]

Agree with what others are saying here.

 

Change only works if it's absolutely 100% something you want to do for YOURSELF. You can temporarily change for someone else, but it will never last.

 

Besides, you don't have to change for anyone, and from my point of view, if someone else needs you to change for them to want you in their life it's 'adiós' and I'll be just fine as I am!