JB4 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Hey everyone, I'll start by saying that I'm not a very experienced dater and don't find people I am interested in very often. I met this guy on Plenty of Fish (we were both the first people either of us had actually met from a dating site). He asked me out and we went to an outdoor concert and talked for 2 hours. It was not awkward at all and we had a lot in common. The only weird part was when he announced that he had to go pick up his roommate at the airport. Not sure if that was a cop out. The next night he texted me saying he had a good time. He also added me on Facebook a couple days later.We started texting every day after that. To begin with, I usually let him start texting me first and after a while that evened out. He would say things like "hey we should cook this certain dish together soon" or "hey we should run together some time." He seems like a very busy person with work and playing for a semi pro sports team..and for the month and a half that we talked he was out of town pretty much every weekend (he would send me pictures of the soccer field or some random bridge he found). The week after we met he texted me saying that he was going to ask me to do something that night, but got stuck at work. Ok. The next week we were going to plan something as he asked when he can see me again. We decided weds or thurs. Tuesday comes around and he all of a sudden remembers that he has a game Wednesday night and is going out of town Thursday. (Both were true). The next week I asked him and we set something up for Thursday night. Well, he texted me asking me what time I get done working and then texted me an hour later saying he felt really dumb because he forgot it was his dad's bday dinner that night and he was trying to get out of it. Ok. It was his dad's bday but whether the dinner part is true, I'm not sure. He didn't mention a reschedule. The next week he didn't text me for a couple days even though I texted him. I freaked out asking him if he was still interested in doing something and that I felt I was being strung along. He apologized saying he was really busy with work and soccer, and he still wanted to hang out again if it was ok with me. Of course. I asked him the following Sunday if he was free at all that week (soccer had just ended at this point). I got "yes. I can do something at the end of the week." I told him to let me know what day works best and to let me know how his dad's surgery went. He texted "I will let you know" and quickly added "how the surgery goes." I didn't text him Monday. He texted Tuesday but was distracted because he was making dinner with his roommate (wouldn't he have been able to do something with me that night?). I cut the conversation short and he apologized (he was always apologizing for not texting right away which I didn't really care about). Asked him weds if Sunday would work. "That might work. Can I let you know tomorrow?" He didn't so I texted him Thursday night asking him how he was. Nothing. Saw that he was online on the dating site. I got angry and sent him a screen shot of where he said he wanted to hang out still and said that I assumed it wasn't true. (I know...bad move, and I seem insane now). Nothing. Text him the next morning thanking him for wasting my time. Immediately felt bad and sent him one saying if he didn't want to hang out he should've just let me know. Said I felt he was looking for something better and that I felt like his texting buddy for when he was bored. Heard nothing. Sent a couple more (cringe) apology texts, etc. Nothing. Sorry for the length. Did I make a mistake in this situation besides texting too much? Does it seem like he was leading me on? Looking back i should've cut the texting and said "when you're free to meet up, let me know." I'm having a difficult time getting over this situation for some reason. I feel like it's my fault that we don't talk anymore. . But I was also frustrated with it going nowhere.
empresario Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Yes, he was probably keeping you as an option while exploring another route. Yes, you texted way too much and probably validated that he was making the right decision by not contacting you back. I wasn't on your date nor in your conversations so I can't really judge otherwise. It's possible you came on too strong. It's possible he's just a jerk. Some of his excuses were definitely cop outs. One possibility is he just wasn't that interested in you but needed the ego boost of keeping you on the line. People do it all the time with no intention of actually dating that person. Either way, I think he made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with you. And even if he did, why would you be interested in him? The best way you can get back at the situation is to move on and find someone that will value you. 1
losangelena Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Sorry for the length. Did I make a mistake in this situation besides texting too much? Does it seem like he was leading me on? Looking back i should've cut the texting and said "when you're free to meet up, let me know." I'm having a difficult time getting over this situation for some reason. I feel like it's my fault that we don't talk anymore. . But I was also frustrated with it going nowhere. In brief, yes. I wouldn't say you "should have," but you MAY have gotten more traction with him if you had cooled your heels a bit. To keep following up and asking if he's free to hang out doesn't usually work. A man really has no problem finding time to see a woman he really likes. It's not a bad thing to ask, initiate, or follow-up occasionally, but ONLY occasionally; a little nudge is all they usually need. In my analysis, you should have stopped here: I asked him the following Sunday if he was free at all that week (soccer had just ended at this point). I got "yes. I can do something at the end of the week." I told him to let me know what day works best and to let me know how his dad's surgery went. He texted "I will let you know" and quickly added "how the surgery goes." If you'd dropped it at this point, you would have seen pretty quickly whether he was genuine or not. It seems like this guy was somewhat interested, but not interested enough to keep it going—sorry. Yes, it's sucky that he couldn't just come out and tell you, but many, many people are not that forthright. In general, I think it's good to keep your expectations low during the first couple of dates. Understand that people (men and women) will say all kinds of things, but only time will tell if, "we should run together sometime" turns into an actual run. BUT, this is a huge caveat—don't feel bad about this. OK, so maybe you went a little overboard in your anger, but I don't think that's the sole reason you haven't heard back from him. I think he was on the fence (he never set a concrete second date), and once you starting showing your frustration he took that as a cue to disappear. In effect, you've done yourself a favor. Who knows how long he'd have strung you along if you hadn't gotten upset. Better to know and now you don't have to think about him and you can move on to other guys. This happened to me once. I went on a first date with a guy. I had a good time, but I thought he wasn't as interested. I was honestly surprised to hear from him again, but he's sporadically text every couple of days; didn't ask me out, though. Eventually, he texted me when I was out with friends. I don't remember what I said (I was buzzed at the time), but I invited him to join us, and when he declined, I was like, "well let me know when you DO actually want to go out again," and I never heard from him again. Sometime some assertiveness get rid of the ones who aren't serious. Sending screen shots and being sarcastic might not be the best ways to go about it, though. Lesson learned for next time. p.s., my first few OLD encounters were pretty crummy. Keep looking. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 His interest level was lukewarm from the get-go. He said he wanted to do some things with you, but his actions don't support that. It seems like it was mostly you texting him and asking him to get together, and he had a lot of excuses. Sending him angry texts and a screenshot only sealed the deal. I don't think it was really going anywhere anyway. 1
Author JB4 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Thank you. I definitely put up with it way too long anyways...whatever his intentions were. I just thought maybe he was hesitant because he told me he was shy. Why he even texted me to say it was nice to meet me/when can he see me again/added me on Facebook is just really frustrating. I would rather have someone not pretend they are interested. Although he seems to add pretty much everyone he passes on the street on Facebook....not that I'm judging him having 1200 friends and only pictures with one friend and his family. Maybe he did need an ego boost and I was clearly feeding into it. He had talked about how he got fired from his parents company for not being a good salesman, not getting into the University, how the job isn't all about the money. Maybe he is feeling inadequate. I did get too caught up in the texting. Him telling me to wish my friend a happy birthday. Texting me randomly what he ate for lunch. Haha. Maybe His "youre such a nice persons!" Meant "You are such a nice person and I don't know how to reject you because of that." Not worth my time. .
Author JB4 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 His interest level was lukewarm from the get-go. He said he wanted to do some things with you, but his actions don't support that. It seems like it was mostly you texting him and asking him to get together, and he had a lot of excuses. Sending him angry texts and a screenshot only sealed the deal. I don't think it was really going anywhere anyway. I didn't start asking him to do anything until about the 4th week of texting. He was the one who would mention it the first few weeks. I did put up with the excuses and made excuses for him which bugs me now. I think by that point I was beginning to realize that it wasn't going anywhere.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 It constantly amazes me how forgetful people claim to be. The average person will have a handle on their schedule day to day, So when someone keeps "re-scheduling" because of schedule mix-ups, they're full of crap IMO. 2
menyou Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 It constantly amazes me how forgetful people claim to be. The average person will have a handle on their schedule day to day, So when someone keeps "re-scheduling" because of schedule mix-ups, they're full of crap IMO. yeah. How does one forget a fathers birthday? sorry. 2
Author JB4 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 I have not unfriended him yet...just unfollowed. Why? Idk. I wish he would be the one to unfriend me himself. Yeah. I did a little FB creeping and it WAS his dad's bday, but when you work with your parents and your brothers do you really have a chance to forget about his bday dinner that night? I'm sure he told me that would work on purpose so he already had an excuse lined up. I definitely wanted to question him on that, but didn't want to start anything in case he really is an air head. But, yeah...I'm the fool! He should've just told me that the abominable snowman ate his brother and he couldn't make it. I guess even from the start I should have been skeptical. The day after I gave him my # he started texting me (before we met) but right away he said he only had 1% battery left and didn't have his charger. Still texting me an hour later...something is different about him. Is it bad if I'm bitter about this? I'm frustrated with myself, but bitter that guys (and girls) do this sort of thing to each other. Don't pretend to be interested...and if you're not sure you're interested, you really aren't that interested. 1
menyou Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 People expect everyone they encounter to be "the One". It doesn't work that way. A lot of the times when you think the other person is the one and you are married, with kids, for years, they still are not "the One".
menyou Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 and you should unfriend him. I have not added my "BF" of 2 months to my Facebook. For what? 1
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 His interest level was lukewarm from the get-go. He said he wanted to do some things with you, but his actions don't support that. It seems like it was mostly you texting him and asking him to get together, and he had a lot of excuses. Sending him angry texts and a screenshot only sealed the deal. I don't think it was really going anywhere anyway. Exactly If someone (consistently) says one thing and does another trust the actions not the words 1
Author JB4 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Yes. Idk why it's so hard for me to unfriend him. I was hesitant to even accept his friend request because we had just met. It seemed odd to me that someone would sent a FB request to someone they had met once from an online dating site? I wish I didn't give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they give Me excuses, but I did that with him and it got me nowhere...and slightly annoyed/sad that I invested so much time into texting him. For some reason it stings more than it should! But yes, he was definitely just telling me what I wanted to hear, but there were no actions to back it up. Luckily, I don't have to see him....until next April when their soccer season starts. I had just started working at the facility where they practice before we met/his season was ending and we never crossed paths because we were there different nights.
Siquijor Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Individuals off Plenty of Fish are not regarded as being the most honest of folk. 1
Author JB4 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Individuals off Plenty of Fish are not regarded as being the most honest of folk. Hahaha I will keep that in mind...Im not quite convinced that online dating or dating, in general, is for me anymore!
flordagirl Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Uggh...what a jerk! I hate when guys do crap like this. In my opinion it sounds like he did enjoy being with you but at the same time he wasn't actually wanting a serious relationship. I think it was selfish and immature of him to lead you on. Yeah, I definitely think he was leading you on. And I feel you on how you let him know how pissed off you were. At first when you mentioned how he kept forgetting about you I thought maybe he could've had ADD, but by the time I got done reading your thread I realized he's just selfish and was (possibly) subconsciously using you as an ego boost. You have every right to be upset and angry. Find yourself a new guy that is serious and doesn't keep "forgetting" and finding excuses not to meet. 2
flordagirl Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Luckily, I don't have to see him....until next April when their soccer season starts. I had just started working at the facility where they practice before we met/his season was ending and we never crossed paths because we were there different nights. Well, next April is ages away. By that time you will probably find a guy much better than him. Shoot, you could even have your new guy stop by while you're at work so Mr. I Need To Lead Women On To Feel Better About Myself can see what he's lost out on! 2
Author JB4 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Thanks, Floridagirl I miss talking to him, but it didn't seem like it was going to go anywhere. I figured if he found time to meet me, he could've found time to see me again as he said he wanted to. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times! Too many "it's oks" and "we can reschedules." In a month and a half. The final straw was him not saying he would let me know about doing something that last Sunday when he said he would. And maybe he was trying to make 100% sure he didn't have anything that he had forgotten about, but if that was the case, he should've let me know. I still can't shake the feeling that it's my fault, and that we may have seen each other again if I hadn't gotten upset at him. I should be over it by now...it's been exactly a month today since he last texted me!
anna121 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 A month? My goodness. Really think you should go ahead and unfriend and probably block. He likely won't even notice (esp if he has so many followers), but it will help ensure more distance for you. 1
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Here's a tip: Never invest yourself in someone after one date. It doesn't matter if it was a pleasant date....that means diddley squat. With dating, you are always an option, so you should make them an option too. You keep looking until there is someone that is willing to put in an effort to see you more than once a week, and doesn't make damn excuses all the time on how busy they are. If the excuses are legit, that would mean your expectations cannot be met anyways, so there is no point in making them a priority. 4
Author JB4 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Great advice . I originally thought it would be great since I work around 80 hours a week. He's busy, I'm busy. If we saw each other two or three times a month that would be ok with me (for now). However, I was finding the time and putting in the effort and would have shown up if we had something planned, whereas he was just talk, I guess. At one point he said, "this is my busiest time. I promise." Ok. Then get off the dating site if that's true! So yeah. Hopefully I find someone out there who does want to see me, no matter how busy he is. Not looking for texting buddies.
losangelena Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I still can't shake the feeling that it's my fault, and that we may have seen each other again if I hadn't gotten upset at him. I should be over it by now...it's been exactly a month today since he last texted me! OK, so what if it's your fault? I know you said this guy was the first one you met over OLD, so I'm not sure how experienced you are with dating in general. BUT I will say that there is a HUGE learning curve to dating. You're bound to make mistakes. I think if this guy had been sufficiently interested from the beginning, that you wouldn't have gotten to the point of getting upset and acting out. It's not as if you were sending him screen shots and sarcastic texts after your first date. I think the only thing your getting mad did was clear him out sooner. I don't think it changed his mind about anything. My advice—keep meeting other guys. I think you'll see real fast what a truly interested man looks like, and it's gonna make what you went through with this dud look ridiculous. DON'T beat yourself up. Dust yourself off and move on. There are so many men out there who you can be compatible with, it's not worth your time ruminating about some guy who it didn't work out with. Listen, my first OLD experience was a disaster, and yeah I made plenty of mistakes. Before OLD, I didn't date much at all. The last date I'd been on had been 3 years earlier; I had no idea what I was doing. I assumed that he was the only guy I was going to have to meet and that he'd just become my BF. HAHAHA, boy was I wrong. I had no idea I'd have to go through that 29 more times to find my now BF. I was devastated when he disappeared, kept thinking over and over again what had gone wrong, but in the end I knew that, even if I had conducted myself "right," it wouldn't not have guaranteed relationship success. There are too many variables. Pretend you're a friend—would you be so hard on a friend who this happened to? I'm sure not. Well, treat yourself the same way. It's been a month, it's time to let it go. 1
losangelena Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I think a lot of modern dating advice has really done women a disservice. You see it on this board all the time; women are terrified of coming off as "crazy" or "needy" or "clingy," but what ends up happening is that they end up putting up with a lot of sh*tty, wishy-washy behavior from men. If the guy you're trying to get to know isn't acting right, you're totally within your bounds to tell him. If he can't handle it, then he was no good in the first place. 2
wb1988 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I think a lot of modern dating advice has really done women a disservice. You see it on this board all the time; women are terrified of coming off as "crazy" or "needy" or "clingy," but what ends up happening is that they end up putting up with a lot of sh*tty, wishy-washy behavior from men. If the guy you're trying to get to know isn't acting right, you're totally within your bounds to tell him. If he can't handle it, then he was no good in the first place. The opposite is also true. Guys don't want to come off as needy, not 'cool' or pushing the envelope too far. In the end the result is just terrible conversation because everybody isn't haven't conversations naturally. I think the real problem is there was too much texting, at least if it was a call you might've been able to tell if he was lying.
Recommended Posts