ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 I like that. "Never give more than you get..." and that was my biggest mistake with her. I gave her much more than she gave me and it made us unequally yoked..... I need to burn that into my memory banks.
Author whitewhale Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I like that. "Never give more than you get..." and that was my biggest mistake with her. I gave her much more than she gave me and it made us unequally yoked..... I need to burn that into my memory banks. to make a new habit requires practice. it's even harder to get rid of an old one and replace it. But it is possible. I started from reminding that to myself more and more often. I've got another mantra, "live only in today, if you can't change the past, even thinking about it is a waste of energy". I think that's what NC is also for. So that you kinda separate yourself from the past.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale to make a new habit requires practice. it's even harder to get rid of an old one and replace it. But it is possible. I started from reminding that to myself more and more often. I've got another mantra, "live only in today, if you can't change the past, even thinking about it is a waste of energy". I think that's what NC is also for. So that you kinda separate yourself from the past. Definitely agree. From here on out I need to let the past go and live for the present and future. I can not change what happened but I can learn from the past and vow not to repeat the same mistakes. Funny, everyone I've talked to said the kind of man I am almost all women are looking for. You know, kind, caring, compassionate, loving, good communicator, listens well, etc. Now, how the heck do I get over her?! I know NC is good, but I am trying to figure out how to get her out of my mind so I can get a good nights sleep and eat ok. I've lost 10lbs already....
Author whitewhale Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Now, how the heck do I get over her?! I know NC is good, but I am trying to figure out how to get her out of my mind so I can get a good nights sleep and eat ok. I've lost 10lbs already.... Well, I don't know what your job is. But if that's a kind of job that occupies the mind, that's a way. If not, there are other ways. They work for me, they hopefully might for you. 1. it's an iron rule that it's impossible to think about two things at the same time. If you occupy yourself with sth that absolutely requires cconcentration, she'll just flow out of yr mind. Reading doesn't help much - I would read him in between the lines or notice after one page that I have no idea what I've read.. So it can't be something that normally, when you're reasonably happy, occupies yr thoughts 2. any time you notice she crosses yr mind, and be sure you notice fast, make yrself think about something else. it will work as association after a while. she will be like the thing on the railway tracks that turns you on the other set of tracks. with practice, though you may not believe it, you can actually block the thought before it fully shows itself! 3. get madly involved with a project. I've read that on NoFoolin's post on breaking NC. for me it doesn't work in the sense that I'm left right now with to little energy too pursue any fascinating projects. But I will later. 4. start thinking about other people. thinking about her is thinking about howyou are hurt. and you don't want that (and I/we don't want that 4U/and ourselves). I mean anyone - like a brother or a friend. or stangers on a bus. get into conversations. meet new people, online or offline and talk to them. that's again a way of occupying a mind. you might, for example, think of what to do for someone, sth very nice (not her!) so that they'd be really surprised and wouldn't know it's you. it takes time to think that out, and fills yr mind with positive thoughts. and you do what you like - give. but you don't sent yrself for appreciation, which is here crucial. when you know they don't show it because they don't know it feels better then when they do and take it for granted.. 5. obssesive watching tv may help, but I don't reccomend it because it's addictive and exhaustive without being productive. 6. like everything else, nature hates void, so it tends to fill it in just with whatever. when you don't control it, it floods you with what's emotionally significant, problems etc. so just exhaust yr mind with filling it with images and thoughts before it does it on its own as it were. Funny, everyone I've talked to said the kind of man I am almost all women are looking for. You know, kind, caring, compassionate, loving, good communicator, listens well, etc. well, I'm looking for that kind too, and haven't found yet. women do want that, they didn't lie to you . it's what we both know that puts them off - we seem to be too emotionally dependant once we're in love. even if we are actually so much stronger then they think...
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale Well, I don't know what your job is. But if that's a kind of job that occupies the mind, that's a way. If not, there are other ways. They work for me, they hopefully might for you. 1. it's an iron rule that it's impossible to think about two things at the same time. If you occupy yourself with sth that absolutely requires cconcentration, she'll just flow out of yr mind. Reading doesn't help much - I would read him in between the lines or notice after one page that I have no idea what I've read.. So it can't be something that normally, when you're reasonably happy, occupies yr thoughts 2. any time you notice she crosses yr mind, and be sure you notice fast, make yrself think about something else. it will work as association after a while. she will be like the thing on the railway tracks that turns you on the other set of tracks. with practice, though you may not believe it, you can actually block the thought before it fully shows itself! 3. get madly involved with a project. I've read that on NoFoolin's post on breaking NC. for me it doesn't work in the sense that I'm left right now with to little energy too pursue any fascinating projects. But I will later. 4. start thinking about other people. thinking about her is thinking about howyou are hurt. and you don't want that (and I/we don't want that 4U/and ourselves). I mean anyone - like a brother or a friend. or stangers on a bus. get into conversations. meet new people, online or offline and talk to them. that's again a way of occupying a mind. you might, for example, think of what to do for someone, sth very nice (not her!) so that they'd be really surprised and wouldn't know it's you. it takes time to think that out, and fills yr mind with positive thoughts. and you do what you like - give. but you don't sent yrself for appreciation, which is here crucial. when you know they don't show it because they don't know it feels better then when they do and take it for granted.. 5. obssesive watching tv may help, but I don't reccomend it because it's addictive and exhaustive without being productive. 6. like everything else, nature hates void, so it tends to fill it in just with whatever. when you don't control it, it floods you with what's emotionally significant, problems etc. so just exhaust yr mind with filling it with images and thoughts before it does it on its own as it were. Thanks on these. My job requires me to read a lot of resumes and sometimes I find it hard to concentrate. I know I miss her and I have a big void to fill. I have a hard time NOT thinking about the together. It just sickens me as I've always felt I was THE man that could make her happy. That's what makes me miss meals. well, I'm looking for that kind too, and haven't found yet. women do want that, they didn't lie to you . it's what we both know that puts them off - we seem to be too emotionally dependant once we're in love. even if we are actually so much stronger then they think... I am much stronger than she can imagine. I am much more a man than she thinks. She just got the side of me that wanted so badly for the relationship to work that I was completely focused on that instead of picking up her vibes.
Author whitewhale Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I am much stronger than she can imagine. I am much more a man than she thinks. that's the spirit! I'm sure you'll be fine. I can't say how soon, I don't even know when you broke up. And of course it works differently for different people. I just hope you DO want her out of yr mind. Because sometimes one sticks to pain and suffering out of a rutine... I keep my fingers crossed for you. There's someone a lot more better for you (even if you don't believe that now, I do ), someone who'll want you just the way you are and love for it. But of course, we keep to our new rules ...
Merin Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 One thing to point out (Well maybe more than One Ha!) First, let him keep the damn photo of you.. IMO if he was so damn over you he wouldn't hold onto it, he wouldn't give a f'ck about it and would've just given it to you when you asked for it.. Let it go you know? Second, again if he was so done with you he wouldn't bother with "Sweet dreams" messages in fact he wouldn't even bother with "Kiss My A**" Messages.. because quite simply it just wouldn't matter to him what he was able to inspire in you.. hate isn't the opposite of Love, indifference is, and obviously while you may not be there yet, niether is he. Just because he wants to send lame messages in order to keep the door open for him (so to speak) doesn't mean you have to let him in Hope things get easier for you soon
Author whitewhale Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by Merin One thing to point out (Well maybe more than One Ha!) First, let him keep the damn photo of you.. IMO if he was so damn over you he wouldn't hold onto it, he wouldn't give a f'ck about it and would've just given it to you when you asked for it.. Let it go you know? Second, again if he was so done with you he wouldn't bother with "Sweet dreams" messages in fact he wouldn't even bother with "Kiss My A**" Messages.. because quite simply it just wouldn't matter to him what he was able to inspire in you.. hate isn't the opposite of Love, indifference is, and obviously while you may not be there yet, niether is he. Just because he wants to send lame messages in order to keep the door open for him (so to speak) doesn't mean you have to let him in Hope things get easier for you soon You are so right! But I didn't make it easy for him. I stopped caring about the photo, and about him either way. I'm way better for various reasons, and the best is that I deserve so much better than what I got from him, and also that we were so incompatible on some levels that even all our chemistry couldn't get past that... It's very true about indifference. I'm beginning to feel the first symproms of it myself and care not what he feels presently. I knew from my friend (and she from HIS friend) that he was devasted right after the break-up. But since he dumped ME and not vice versa I don't see any second chance for him coming. First of all, he's much too immature. and whatever. If there's pain in me, it's general - because I was foolish, because there's a void to be filled. But I don't want him, and it really relieves me. Yet, that's today. I don't know if any downs will come again after these ups... Hope not! Thanx Merin.
Merin Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 LOL You're Welcome Relationship= Addiction to habits. It is what you become used to doing (habits) with your SO. When the relationship (Addiction) ends it doesn't mean the Habits are just let go of so easy. The end of the relationship means you can no longer get your "Fix" (your habit) of calling, texting,seeing, spending time with one another. Even bad habits are hard to let go of and you may crave them (contact) but thankfully it isn't impossible to kick the habit.. (right to the freakin curb when possible LOL) Hang in there
ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 For some reason, I just got the wild urge to email the ex and tell her off. Heh, I am not going to do it, but for some reason my mind keeps telling me I should tell her OFF. You know, tell her how immature she is, how she's not ready for a real relationship and how she needs to grow up. The problem is, if I do that, I reduce myself to her level. Sure would feel good though. How do you fight the urge?! LOL
Author whitewhale Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC For some reason, I just got the wild urge to email the ex and tell her off. Heh, I am not going to do it, but for some reason my mind keeps telling me I should tell her OFF. You know, tell her how immature she is, how she's not ready for a real relationship and how she needs to grow up. The problem is, if I do that, I reduce myself to her level. Sure would feel good though. How do you fight the urge?! LOL lol indeed - I don't fight it. in the end I do it, it kinda shocks them coming from such usually polite and nice person as me. after a while, when I have it off my chest, I apologize for the harshness of the words saying at the same time goodbye and I really really mean the goodbye then. and it worked for me twice in the worst kinds of situations... of course it does seem like reducing oneself to their level... but that's not how THEY feel it because c'mon, they don't think we are above their level at all! so it's totally up to you. but all I know, I always feel just as strong an urge to apologize. it's exactly both that work for me. I did tell him off. particularly the immaturity part ans selfishness - astounding! - but then I say, after some time, when I cool down, sorry. was just soooo mad at you. and - a miracle happens. I have hardly any urges to contact him any more (and the one from before 4 years, in which situation I did sth similar) I like yr new photo. it's more optimistic. it's good to start changing things. even smallest. so that they are different from what was when yr ex was an ex2B
ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale lol indeed - I don't fight it. in the end I do it, it kinda shocks them coming from such usually polite and nice person as me. after a while, when I have it off my chest, I apologize for the harshness of the words saying at the same time goodbye and I really really mean the goodbye then. and it worked for me twice in the worst kinds of situations... of course it does seem like reducing oneself to their level... but that's not how THEY feel it because c'mon, they don't think we are above their level at all! so it's totally up to you. but all I know, I always feel just as strong an urge to apologize. it's exactly both that work for me. I did tell him off. particularly the immaturity part ans selfishness - astounding! - but then I say, after some time, when I cool down, sorry. was just soooo mad at you. and - a miracle happens. I have hardly any urges to contact him any more (and the one from before 4 years, in which situation I did sth similar) I like yr new photo. it's more optimistic. it's good to start changing things. even smallest. so that they are different from what was when yr ex was an ex2B So you think if I tell her that the reason things didn't work out isn't because I was clingy or soft but that she just isn't mature enough to handle a serious relationship. That people who use the words "clingy and soft" are themselves childish. That when you mature and realize communication is the key to happy relationships, you'll learn to appreciate someone who cares enough to ask you "how are you?" and "what's wrong?" The thing is, I don't want to break NC but I do want to get this off my chest..... Even though I know we'll never get back together, I feel that if I don't tell her that she'll always think she was right about our relationship. Even if that's how she feels, she does need to know that she is weird
Author whitewhale Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Just for the record, CIOC, it's against almost everyone on this forum to to that I just wanted you to know, it's a way to deal with a problem too. It feels very ood for a while. It feels even better when you apologize and then move on. But of course, there's no need tu apologize if yr letter is not harsh, just very sincere.
Author whitewhale Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC So you think if I tell her that the reason things didn't work out isn't because I was clingy or soft but that she just isn't mature enough to handle a serious relationship. That people who use the words "clingy and soft" are themselves childish. That when you mature and realize communication is the key to happy relationships, you'll learn to appreciate someone who cares enough to ask you "how are you?" and "what's wrong?" The thing is, I don't want to break NC but I do want to get this off my chest..... I know exactly how you feel, believe me. This ex wasn't so hard to get over as the previous one and I cried for months then, and hardly slept etc. And then, once I wrote the email telling him what kind of bastard he was, it was like getting rid of some terribly heavy something on my chest. Of course it didn't work immediately. But it was very rapid since then anyway (besides, that one I apologized after 2 years when incidentally in contact). This time I didn't wait so long because I learned before that it works for me, no matter what everyone else says. "One man's meat is another man's poison" - so some would keep on trying to push it further deep into themselves and I just poured it out. If you feel that's what's gonna be with you just do it. And then, deal with the consequences, which I can't predict. You may feel lousy if in a bigger part you still idealize her. And you're right. You can't blame yrself for being soft etc. That's just love. Maybe like my ex she doesn't know how to commit. She only cares about being in love, which is of course not the same thing. Immature she might have been. Was she much younger than you?
ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I know exactly how you feel, believe me. This ex wasn't so hard to get over as the previous one and I cried for months then, and hardly slept etc. And then, once I wrote the email telling him what kind of bastard he was, it was like getting rid of some terribly heavy something on my chest. Of course it didn't work immediately. But it was very rapid since then anyway (besides, that one I apologized after 2 years when incidentally in contact). This time I didn't wait so long because I learned before that it works for me, no matter what everyone else says. "One man's meat is another man's poison" - so some would keep on trying to push it further deep into themselves and I just poured it out. If you feel that's what's gonna be with you just do it. And then, deal with the consequences, which I can't predict. You may feel lousy if in a bigger part you still idealize her. And you're right. You can't blame yrself for being soft etc. That's just love. Maybe like my ex she doesn't know how to commit. She only cares about being in love, which is of course not the same thing. Immature she might have been. Was she much younger than you? She's 28 going on 12. I'm 36. I know we want different things but I feel like if I don't stick up for myself now, I will never have the chance. I let her say what was wrong with me and I feel like I should be able to say what's wrong with her too!
Author whitewhale Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC She's 28 going on 12. I'm 36. I know we want different things but I feel like if I don't stick up for myself now, I will never have the chance. I let her say what was wrong with me and I feel like I should be able to say what's wrong with her too! ahh, relativity of things... I'm 28 and I was the mature one in my relationship. It's past midnight here, so I gotta get some sleep. but first: I think you could try one technique - first write whatever you want on a piece of paper addressed to her (important) and be as honest as you can. Then put it away for two days. Tell yrself you WILL send it, just not now. Then after those two days, if the urge is just as strong, edit it and put away for one day. And then, if you still must, just type it, mail it. No looking back. But think carefully. Be polite even if cruel. Just be direct, not abusive. (Which you don't want to be anyway ) All that works for you is fine. It's survival "game". you need to survive, and all species have their own ways, so humans have their own, and why should they all have the same way? Think of yr own best way to help you. you are your own best friend. there's nobody but God that cares so much about you as you, which is absolutely not the same as being selfish. if you don't take care of yrself - in whatever way it needs to be done - you'll do yrself some harm, don't you think? NC is goooood, but other ways are also good, only different. the only BAD thing is begging them to go back, pleading guilty etc. and try to be as far away from being despertate as you can - that's why you should write it first (even right now) but send it later - though the urge may pass, particularly if you postpone it long enough goodnight
ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale ahh, relativity of things... I'm 28 and I was the mature one in my relationship. It's past midnight here, so I gotta get some sleep. but first: I think you could try one technique - first write whatever you want on a piece of paper addressed to her (important) and be as honest as you can. Then put it away for two days. Tell yrself you WILL send it, just not now. Then after those two days, if the urge is just as strong, edit it and put away for one day. And then, if you still must, just type it, mail it. No looking back. But think carefully. Be polite even if cruel. Just be direct, not abusive. (Which you don't want to be anyway ) All that works for you is fine. It's survival "game". you need to survive, and all species have their own ways, so humans have their own, and why should they all have the same way? Think of yr own best way to help you. you are your own best friend. there's nobody but God that cares so much about you as you, which is absolutely not the same as being selfish. if you don't take care of yrself - in whatever way it needs to be done - you'll do yrself some harm, don't you think? NC is goooood, but other ways are also good, only different. the only BAD thing is begging them to go back, pleading guilty etc. and try to be as far away from being despertate as you can - that's why you should write it first (even right now) but send it later - though the urge may pass, particularly if you postpone it long enough goodnight Thanks. I won't be begging for her back. I will be, in essence, slamming the door shut on her as well. I sort of feel like if I do this then I will finally say all the things I've wanted to and get it off my chest. There is no begging for her back. I have my pride.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Confused.. I feel your pain.. But LET IT GO !!. Anymore contact on your part is going be considered harrasment. Let her live her life.. Her life is not your life and you have no right to tell her how to live it or question how she has lived it in the past.. Man you are a trainwreck. If you had dumped her and she keeped on contacting you and ripping you to shreads, you would not look at that very lightly. LET HER BE, PLEASE LET HER BE, PLEASE LET HER BE, PLEASE I know it hurts.. but grow up... What part of NC do you not understand ? you only go days before you find a reason to contact her LET HER BE, PLEASE
XNemesisX Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 I know a lot of people say not to write an ex and tell them off, to be "the bigger person" and in fact I myself may be guilty of telling people this very thing... But now that I think about it...I change my mind. Do what you feel you should do. If you want to tell her off, then tell her off. I don't see how making a "graceful exit" is going to mean that much to them besides make it easier on them and make them feel better about what they did. No matter if you tell them off or you don't, the ex will always think of you as the lesser person. So why not just say what's on your mind? I'm not good at impulse control, so I will say whatever I damn well please. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that it really hurt me in the end. He already had a negative image of me apparently, to have broken up with me in the first place. So now all I did was let him see what an imperfect hyprocrite HE was. And I know my words have hurt him. Just do what you think you should....no one here really knows the dynamics of your relationship besides you.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall Confused.. I feel your pain.. But LET IT GO !!. Anymore contact on your part is going be considered harrasment. Stretching quite a bit there.... Let her live her life.. Her life is not your life and you have no right to tell her how to live it or question how she has lived it in the past.. You obviously don't know my ex. Man you are a trainwreck. Are you giving advice or just practicing your insults? If you had dumped her and she keeped on contacting you and ripping you to shreads, you would not look at that very lightly. I would have communicated with her and she would have known far, far in advance. I wouldn't do what she did and BLINDSIDE someone right after I told them I love them. LET HER BE, PLEASE LET HER BE, PLEASE LET HER BE, PLEASE I got your drift the first time. I know it hurts.. but grow up... Funny, I was just going to tell you to chill out. What part of NC do you not understand ? You don't know me, so I'll brush this comment aside. you only go days before you find a reason to contact her LET HER BE, PLEASE Who are you? Her new guy? Sheesh.
Author whitewhale Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Who are you? Her new guy? Sheesh. Funny how I thought the same thing. There was too much pleading on the part of the guest - and in capital letters too! After good night's sleep - I maintain my position , keep my fingers crossed 4U and happy to see (meaning "read") you stronger already. Getting to work now, hang in there
ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale Funny how I thought the same thing. There was too much pleading on the part of the guest - and in capital letters too! After good night's sleep - I maintain my position , keep my fingers crossed 4U and happy to see (meaning "read") you stronger already. Getting to work now, hang in there Not writing the letter Gave her up to God tonight. It's in His hands. If it's His will for us to be together, so be it. I just need to heal this gash in my heart and I hope with the therapy, support from great friends and most of all, God, I'll be fine. All things heal, in time. Thank you
Author whitewhale Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Not writing the letter Gave her up to God tonight. It's in His hands. If it's His will for us to be together, so be it. I just need to heal this gash in my heart and I hope with the therapy, support from great friends and most of all, God, I'll be fine. All things heal, in time. Thank you I've expected that, and admire you for the resolution. My pleasure
ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I've expected that, and admire you for the resolution. My pleasure Thanks. I think God is trying to teach me patience.....
amish Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Gave her up to God tonight. Seems to have worked for me.....only took 15 months. Hang in there.
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