whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 I didn't break NC yet. I was one the verge today once. I wrote three words, then put the phone away. He sent me that message the previous night telling me he will keep my picture (he was evidently looking at it past midnight) I wanted back and he wished me sweet dreams, the jerk. I want so much to tell him at least, as politely as it can be in the circumstances that his keeping my pic against my wishes (he dumped me, what right does it now give him to be so contrary??) is just another evidence of his egoism and they way in which he notified me, a proof of his emotional immaturity. That'd be all. I'm soon out of the city anyway. I don't want going back. I don't want to see him any more. I don't even like him anymore. I just can't stop having thoughts... Will it help? I know that breaking NC for whatever reason is bad. But what if that would give me closure? He'd have no way of going back. I think he thinks still that if he tells me now he loves me I'd run to him overjoyed. the jerk. I never would.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Maybe it'll be like breaking-up day 1 like some ppl wrote elsewhere. But if I don't do anything and he keeps texting me once in a while in that kind of sugary language? I don't know what's worse.. Because now I feel like it's been yesterday. Or maybe it's just the swing.. I don't know what to do. I maybe stronger to keep NC, but HE breaks it! What do I do then??
BigB Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Can you block his text's or calls? maybe not hearing from him will make it less painful? maybe send him a quick message asking him to stop sending messages?
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 .... well... I tried blockig his phone number before I started having the urge to break all the connections by verbal assault. But it wasn't possible. So first I was patient. Today I wrote here, and asked a few friends what to do. One said I have to do what's best for me. The thing is I've had this urge for days now. It wouldn't go away. So today I just wrote - "I still want my picture back." He replied, "sorry, I said I won't return it. I can burn it though." Which is something I wouldn't believe so I replied this time in the manner I meant to from the start almost: that his egoism doesn't stop amazing me. and how can I be friends with someone who doesn't respect even those people he treated immaturely and falsely in the first place... He of course didn't reply. Good. I hope he will never write or cross my path again or at least that when he does he will be totally insignificant to me... I still have my self-respect. I didn't abuse him verbally, I just sincerely told him what I think. For the last time. Considering what I actually think, all the things in my head, I was almost polite... Anyways, I just hope i won't have another mood swing.. It really can be exhausting
amish Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 With NC you can make your own closure. And that's usually how it needs to be done. Seeking closure from someone who won't give it to you will just prolong whatever you're feeling.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by amish With NC you can make your own closure. And that's usually how it needs to be done. Seeking closure from someone who won't give it to you will just prolong whatever you're feeling. I don't know why you think I seek closure from him.. I did it my way and even if not the best one, it was efficient for me. And I closed it. I've definitely ended something that he wanted to artificially prolong.. All I did I gave him to understand I don't want him to send me any more "sweet dreems" messages etc. Perhaps it seems wrong. Well, I feel much better, even the stress is gone. I've had a lump in my throat since the break-up. It's gone. That's a good sign. Wouldn't you say?
alphamale Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 closure is way over-rated cause if u don't have it then you can create it inside your head.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale closure is way over-rated cause if u don't have it then you can create it inside your head. means basically that I should have let time heal the wounds and wait patiently till I am able to create it because I no longer care? Well, that's probably right in most situations, so I don't disagree. I've just taken shortcut.
magda Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 What alphamale said. Why do you need one last jab? He's only going to argue back. Then you'll have something more to say, then all the sudden you're thinking about him all the time again. Forget him - it's the best revenge.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by magda What alphamale said. Why do you need one last jab? He's only going to argue back. Then you'll have something more to say, then all the sudden you're thinking about him all the time again. Forget him - it's the best revenge. He's too weak in arguing to call/text back and too much convinced of having hurt me and treated badly, and the conscioussness makes him silent. So he doesn't reply, I don't either. I'm not gonna text him or call him or anything again. He's blocked all over. And I don't want revenge. I wanted him to stop feeling so comfortable about it all, because I first agreed stupidly to be friends. THAT was killing me. Now it's different. And it's enough.
amish Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I don't know why you think I seek closure from him.... Umm....maybe due to the title of this posting. Yeesh.....soooooooorry. Plus it was more of a general "you" in my statement, as in "all you who read this." I just don't like giving this much power to the other party (which I am guilty of doing and I'm pretty sure I'm *still* doing.) Ugh. Wish I could take my own advice but NC is impossible with kids in the picture.
blind_otter Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale closure is way over-rated cause if u don't have it then you can create it inside your head. Word. I was talking about this with my therapist a few months ago, regarding my ex from last year. I have a restraining order against him so obviously we cannot legally have any contact, and he is in jail. She said, closure is an illusion. The grieving process is the same, whenever you lose someone in your life. Breaking up with someone and never seeing them or speaking to them again really in many ways is like dealing with someone's death. And you can't get closure with a dead person. Closure is something that happens in your own head. However long it takes, is up to you. The other person's presence, or responses to you, are completely unnecessary to the process and can often be detrimental.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by amish Umm....maybe due to the title of this posting. Yeesh.....soooooooorry. Plus it was more of a general "you" in my statement, as in "all you who read this." I just don't like giving this much power to the other party (which I am guilty of doing and I'm pretty sure I'm *still* doing.) Ugh. Wish I could take my own advice but NC is impossible with kids in the picture. Well, I don't like giving power to the other party either. That's why I wanted to break the contact off more definitely. I couldn't stand his messages and his being in control I don't know if I am really so mistaken to think that I now feel in control of the situation?... I'm sorry about yr situation Amish. Kids make matters so much more complicated..
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Closure is something that happens in your own head. However long it takes, is up to you. The other person's presence, or responses to you, are completely unnecessary to the process and can often be detrimental. But can't it be that thanks to what I did, it did happen in my own head? Because I don't care what's in HIS head now. I can start NC again right now, without having the urge all the time to do what I finally did. He knows what I think, and he knows I don't want him in my life anymore. If I just waited it'd take longer I think. Like after the death of my father many years ago, who I was later informed was a real jerk for my mother. It took a lot of time to heal and forgive. Because I couldn't vent the anger.
amish Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale Well, I don't like giving power to the other party either. That's why I wanted to break the contact off more definitely. I couldn't stand his messages and his being in control I don't know if I am really so mistaken to think that I now feel in control of the situation?... Once you're in NC, you are totally in control of the situation. You got it off your chest, you go NC....sounds like pretty good closure to me.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by amish Once you're in NC, you are totally in control of the situation. You got it off your chest, you go NC....sounds like pretty good closure to me. Well, then is it really still NC when they contact you? That's what I wanted to switch off.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Go read my thread on my breaking NC is a very, very bad thing.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Go read my thread on my breaking NC is a very, very bad thing. I've read it CIOC, I've read most of what you wrote these past days. Gosh, you start scaring me guys that I'm gonna be sorry for it all. And regret it. I want absolute NC. And such ANC for me is no contact from him either... It wouldn't be good enough to ignore messages and phone calls. I don't want them coming any more...
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I've read it CIOC, I've read most of what you wrote these past days. Gosh, you start scaring me guys that I'm gonna be sorry for it all. And regret it. I want absolute NC. And such ANC for me is no contact from him either... It wouldn't be good enough to ignore messages and phone calls. I don't want them coming any more... Then delete any "evidence" of him from your life. Cell #'s, emails, photos, IM contact (in fact, BLOCK the IM messages), etc. Over time your heart will heal and you might even want to talk to him again. But if you have everything blocked, you'll be fine. I suggest, once you feel better, getting out a bit. Hanging with your close friends and having a good time.
Author whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Then delete any "evidence" of him from your life. Cell #'s, emails, photos, IM contact (in fact, BLOCK the IM messages), etc. Over time your heart will heal and you might even want to talk to him again. But if you have everything blocked, you'll be fine. I suggest, once you feel better, getting out a bit. Hanging with your close friends and having a good time. I'm doing that, slowly. But I will more soon. I've got a big plan. First moving out, July 1st, then, with my friends there (I don't have them here really) more haning out. Till then, now I'm stuck here, so I'll focus on my work. And I've got some serious work to do now. I've been wanting to tell you (how ungrammatical does that sound to a native of English?) that your line "Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left" has been very helpful. I believe everything happens for a reason.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I'm doing that, slowly. But I will more soon. I've got a big plan. First moving out, July 1st, then, with my friends there (I don't have them here really) more haning out. Till then, now I'm stuck here, so I'll focus on my work. And I've got some serious work to do now. I've been wanting to tell you (how ungrammatical does that sound to a native of English?) that your line "Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left" has been very helpful. I believe everything happens for a reason. Thanks. It's not mine, but I kept it there because it's absolutely right.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Ok well I broke NC last night to chit/chat about something and ended up getting into a deep conversation with the ex. Essentially she said: "You turned soft on me and got clingy." That's it in a nutshell. And I did change because I was a bit abrasive and the clingyness was from being so deeply in love. Basically it's beyond repair. She's in deep with the new guy and she really likes that he doesn't press her for anything. She's fascinated with his career and hobbies. He's basically ME without the clingyness and being soft. I don't know how to not be clingy when I am in love. When I love someone, I want to be around them all the time. As for being soft, I'll never do that again. Alphamale was dead on with his advice....
Author whitewhale Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Ok well I broke NC last night to chit/chat about something and ended up getting into a deep conversation with the ex. Essentially she said: "You turned soft on me and got clingy." That's it in a nutshell. And I did change because I was a bit abrasive and the clingyness was from being so deeply in love. Basically it's beyond repair. She's in deep with the new guy and she really likes that he doesn't press her for anything. She's fascinated with his career and hobbies. He's basically ME without the clingyness and being soft. I don't know how to not be clingy when I am in love. When I love someone, I want to be around them all the time. As for being soft, I'll never do that again. Alphamale was dead on with his advice.... I know exactly what you're talking about. I was too soft, too willing to please, always there, and too visibly in love. In my case, cause I don't know about yours, at first HE was more clingy .. but I took it in too good earnest and thought, wow, he loves me that much, why don't I open myself completely and let him all in to my body and soul. I did. My reward was finally being dumped. I've read your thread about how to change. Some people were against change and against alpha's advice because they treated it as a change of character. And I think it's certain habits that we need to change, not character. We can love as much as we want. And show it too, but only when they show us to us too, and never more than that. One of my new rules of conduct with the opposite sex is: never give (visibly) more than you get. Giving is great. Wonderful. And it hurts when it's not appreciated by those we love. But I thought - well, then I might seek balance. If I like giving I'll give more of me to family and friends etc. I also had a thought - why being so clingy, or what was the word "wushy"? - why it makes them run away from us. It happened to me in reverse, only it wasn't a relationship, and I was not in love, and never said so. But he kept pursuing and was very poetical etc, and very angry sometimes when too emotional about something, and that made me... afraid. And not even that he'd do something to ME, but to... himself! And that kind of power over somebody can really freak one out... If somebody thinks you cannot live without them, they may start believing you'll kill yourself after being dumped or something. Or you'll be years and years desperate. That's where alpha was right. You have to give them to understand you have some other life too, and you will survive. You want to live with them (we're not supposed to turn cold all of a sudden - I can't anway, that's too basic in me) but you can survive without them. U R strong. I am. I wanna be. I must. And I will never break that NC again. I told him farewell, so I must keep to my word. I like you Confused, and I really symphatize. Don't break NC again. But if you do... there's still bright future ahead, if we choose to make it so
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