JanieQP Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 (((((((((((((((((Treasa))))))))))))))))))) Yes, I'm afraid it's time to give up and move on. He'll probably do a good job at making you feel guilty, but - go.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa but should I give up? *sigh* Sometimes things are ok, but now that this has dawned on me, I feel hopeless. Well, the relationship is good in other ways, yes? You could speak to him in more forceful terms - girls usually pussyfoot around way too much and think they're being clear when it has hardly registered with the guy. Be blunt and specific, eg about the disrespect, about wanting him to live with you, about mummy's apron strings etc.
Treasa Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Sometimes it's really really good. The problem is that I don't ever pussyfoot. In fact, I'm one of the most aggressive women I know. Sometimes I come on TOO strongly with my opinions. The thing is that I have to catch him at the right time.
JanieQP Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 RR, the problem with the woman being strong (and thus weaning the guy away from mommy, which I'm interpreting you to be saying) is that the guy just latches right onto the strong woman and never learns to stand on his own two feet. My ex recently told me he wonders what would have happened if I'd been EVEN harder with him. Um, that's NOT the solution. The only solution is for the guy to GROW UP and be a MAN on his own, without anybody's apron strings.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa In fact, I'm one of the most aggressive women I know. Sometimes I come on TOO strongly with my opinions. Then don't you think that you're destined to end up with a relatively weak guy? My observation is that strong women often think that they want a strong guy, but it seldom works in the longer term. Originally posted by JanieQP RR, the problem with the woman being strong is that the guy just latches right onto the strong woman and never learns to stand on his own two feet. Good point. I guess I'm having difficulty getting into this guy's shoes The only solution is for the guy to GROW UP and be a MAN on his own, without anybody's apron strings. Still smacks of "convenience shopping" to me. People in our culture learn way too many relationship lessons from television and the supermarket.
Treasa Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Ironically he's not a weak guy. It's hard to explain, but I think he's trying to be there for his mom because his father wasn't. However, she makes him dinner and does his laundry. Other than that, he doesn't cling to her. He does his thing, she does hers. God, I wish he were weaker sometimes. He has an iron will if you push him to do something.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa It's hard to explain, but I think he's trying to be there for his mom because his father wasn't. OK, I understand this. You could always point out to him the irony - if you have kids, they'll want to be there for their mum, because he was always off chasing... his mum.
moimeme Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Then don't you think that you're destined to end up with a relatively weak guy? My observation is that strong women often think that they want a strong guy, but it seldom works in the longer term. Well maybe some do but ick blech!!!! I'm a strong woman who has no interest in any guy who can't hold his own. And 'strong' and 'stubborn' are not synonymous, BTW. I wouldn't call the current President 'strong'; quite the opposite, in fact, because someone who's threatened by opposing views or who is hellbent on his own way no matter how foolish it might be isn't 'strong' so I'm wondering whether your bf is actually 'strong', Treasa. Anyway, Janie's right. This guy isn't showing any strength in that he's content to live with Mommy and not even pay rent, have all his needs catered to, and puddle along in a minimal job. So what he's got a degree in English and Philo? There are still jobs out there but you have to work hard to get one and this fellow just doesn't seem driven. Again, it could be depression, but whatever it is he's not taking the reins of his own life and he's way too attached to mom. There are plenty of adults with their own families who still manage to help out their parents without having to live with them and be surrogate partners to them.
JanieQP Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Still smacks of "convenience shopping" to me. In what way? Do you mean that she should stick around and train him? I did this with my ex - I was there for him. I stood by him when no-one else did, I helped him to find his backbone. I'm definitely not condoning giving up easily. But "helping" a partner in this situation sets up a little boy / coach role, and that's not conducive to a positive romantic relationship. It doesn't sound to me like Treasa is convenience shopping. After all, she does have her life and her future to think about. No one else will do that for her.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme ick blech!!!! A previously undiscovered Germanic language? 'strong' and 'stubborn' are not synonymous, BTW. Word! someone who's threatened by opposing views or who is hellbent on his own way no matter how foolish it might be isn't 'strong' Agreed. I suspect the same linguistic phenomenon that governs "nice" is also catching up with "strong". Originally posted by JanieQP In what way? Do you mean that she should stick around and train him? But "helping" a partner in this situation sets up a little boy / coach role, and that's not conducive to a positive romantic relationship. Maybe - I guess Treasa has to decide this. But I do think a good couple act as lifecoaches for each other. It only enters the "little boy" zone when she is always coach. In any healthy relationship, there will always be moments when she acts as parent to his child. Again, it's only a problem when it becomes a one way street.
moimeme Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Agreed. I suspect the same linguistic phenomenon that governs "nice" is also catching up with "strong". Nooooooooooo! But I do think a good couple act as lifecoaches for each other. It only enters the "little boy" zone when she is always coach. You're right but this guy needs an awful lot of coaching, don't you think?
JanieQP Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo But I do think a good couple act as lifecoaches for each other. It only enters the "little boy" zone when she is always coach. In any healthy relationship, there will always be moments when she acts as parent to his child. Again, it's only a problem when it becomes a one way street. Agree completely. I'm not hearing about balance here, about moments when Treasa's guy helps her to advance on her own path. Even my ex pinpointed one of our problems as being that I expected the kind of coaching from him that he got from me, and he was unable to provide that. Treasa, how are you doing?
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme You're right but this guy needs an awful lot of coaching, don't you think? Originally posted by JanieQP I'm not hearing about balance here, about moments when Treasa's guy helps her to advance on her own path. Yeah, it does seem that this guy is a one way street Even my ex pinpointed one of our problems as being that I expected the kind of coaching from him that he got from me, and he was unable to provide that. And so does he Treasa, how are you doing? We forgot the most important thing How are you, T?
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