ISPY222 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I had a short, casual relationship with a guy over 4 years ago. Recently he has come back into my life... and as soon as I was single he started to pursue me. But, a lot has changed in 4 years. I'm in a very different place and am no longer comfortable with casual sex, hook-up, booty-calls, etc. I choose not to sleep with a man unless we are in or working towards a relationship. Those are the boundaries I have set up for myself and I stick by them. Now, this guy has been pursuing me for the past few months. He started off very strong, hinting towards sex and usually texting me in the later hours of the night. Red flag, I know exactly what that means. He also would turn on the charm at times and talk about how he should take me out... but never actually acted on it. I've hung out with him a few times, but only in groups of other people. He is very hard to read. I can tell that he is into me on some level, but he doesn't always show it. Recently at a party at his house, I noticed another girl there he was giving quite a lot of attention to. I didn't think anything of it. But as the night rolled on I soon realized that we were both invited so he could have his pick, or at least thats how it felt. I left abruptly. I don't play those games. If you want me, are interested in me and like me then PURSUE ME. Well I recently have come to find out that he is sleeping with at least 2 other girls (one of which was the one at the party). Now, when he would text me he would go on and on about how he hadn't had sex in forever and oh poor him. Any attempts he makes that are obviously booty-calls I either ignore or shut down. The fact that he would use that as a way to get me to somehow feel sorry for him is a joke. But apparently it has worked on these other 2 girls. I suppose my question is: Is there any "statute of limitations" when it comes to sleeping with a guy? Will he always see me as an easy lay, even if it has been years and I am now rejecting his attempts? How do I show him that I don't do casual, but would accept his advances if he actually respected me and didn't treat me like a delivery sex service? I would be open to dating this guy, and at times he seems like he is interested too... but the easy sex from other girls is just way more convenient. I have been very good at standing my ground with this guy and not giving in to his attempts. I'm very proud of that and I feel stronger because of it. I'm also learning the lesson that sometimes standing your ground can be very lonely and disappointing... but in the end I know what I want and don't want. I understand that he would try, since it was so easy for him years ago. But I've made it pretty clear thats not what I want... yet he still pursues me. Why, when he is sleeping with at least 2 women that I know of? I can't figure out if he is really interested in me on a different level, or is just having fun playing the game to see if he can get me into bed again. What do you think?
Redhead14 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I had a short, casual relationship with a guy over 4 years ago. Recently he has come back into my life... and as soon as I was single he started to pursue me. But, a lot has changed in 4 years. I'm in a very different place and am no longer comfortable with casual sex, hook-up, booty-calls, etc. I choose not to sleep with a man unless we are in or working towards a relationship. Those are the boundaries I have set up for myself and I stick by them. Now, this guy has been pursuing me for the past few months. He started off very strong, hinting towards sex and usually texting me in the later hours of the night. Red flag, I know exactly what that means. He also would turn on the charm at times and talk about how he should take me out... but never actually acted on it. I've hung out with him a few times, but only in groups of other people. He is very hard to read. I can tell that he is into me on some level, but he doesn't always show it. Recently at a party at his house, I noticed another girl there he was giving quite a lot of attention to. I didn't think anything of it. But as the night rolled on I soon realized that we were both invited so he could have his pick, or at least thats how it felt. I left abruptly. I don't play those games. If you want me, are interested in me and like me then PURSUE ME. Well I recently have come to find out that he is sleeping with at least 2 other girls (one of which was the one at the party). Now, when he would text me he would go on and on about how he hadn't had sex in forever and oh poor him. Any attempts he makes that are obviously booty-calls I either ignore or shut down. The fact that he would use that as a way to get me to somehow feel sorry for him is a joke. But apparently it has worked on these other 2 girls. I suppose my question is: Is there any "statute of limitations" when it comes to sleeping with a guy? Will he always see me as an easy lay, even if it has been years and I am now rejecting his attempts? How do I show him that I don't do casual, but would accept his advances if he actually respected me and didn't treat me like a delivery sex service? I would be open to dating this guy, and at times he seems like he is interested too... but the easy sex from other girls is just way more convenient. I have been very good at standing my ground with this guy and not giving in to his attempts. I'm very proud of that and I feel stronger because of it. I'm also learning the lesson that sometimes standing your ground can be very lonely and disappointing... but in the end I know what I want and don't want. I understand that he would try, since it was so easy for him years ago. But I've made it pretty clear thats not what I want... yet he still pursues me. Why, when he is sleeping with at least 2 women that I know of? I can't figure out if he is really interested in me on a different level, or is just having fun playing the game to see if he can get me into bed again. What do you think? You don't tell him anything. You observe. If he actually calls you for a proper date and you are interested, you go on the date. You have a casual conversation about what you are looking for out of your dating journey in general and let him tell you what he's looking for at the moment. If he tells you he's looking for a relationship for himself, you observe whether he dates you that way. And, don't sleep with him for quite some time and until he demonstrates sincere/serious interest and accepts exclusivity and even then you continue to observe carefully. He could tell you every thing you want to hear because he knows what women want to hear, but then he has to SHOW that to you. And, don't accept anything that is less than what you want -- you don't want late night texts, don't respond. If he texts or calls during the day, you respond. Show him what you want. 2
GemmaUK Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I'm a woman but the times I have just wanted some fun I haven't ever considered the guy to be of dating material at any later stage as there would have been a reason I thought that in the first place. For this guy I would say his actions speak pretty clearly and he's not interested in anything serious with you nor the girls he is currently sleeping with. 1
Author ISPY222 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 You don't tell him anything. You observe. If he actually calls you for a proper date and you are interested, you go on the date. You have a casual conversation about what you are looking for out of your dating journey in general and let him tell you what he's looking for at the moment. If he tells you he's looking for a relationship for himself, you observe whether he dates you that way. And, don't sleep with him for quite some time and until he demonstrates sincere/serious interest and accepts exclusivity and even then you continue to observe carefully. He could tell you every thing you want to hear because he knows what women want to hear, but then he has to SHOW that to you. And, don't accept anything that is less than what you want -- you don't want late night texts, don't respond. If he texts or calls during the day, you respond. Show him what you want. absolutely! That is what I am doing. He hasn't texted me for almost a week now and I will not be the first to text him. I recently learned of these other girls and couldn't believe it! But I was very happy I didn't give in and go back to my old ways, that would have felt much much worse. It doesn't feel bad knowing that he has taken other women to his bed while I have been rejecting him. It just shows me what he was looking for, and I come out on top because I stood my ground. I understand relationships worth having usually never stem from casual sex. Yes, I slept with him before but it has been years and we have been out of touch. A lot has changed, at least on my end. I want him to know that.
Author ISPY222 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 I'm a woman but the times I have just wanted some fun I haven't ever considered the guy to be of dating material at any later stage as there would have been a reason I thought that in the first place. For this guy I would say his actions speak pretty clearly and he's not interested in anything serious with you nor the girls he is currently sleeping with. I can definitely see what you mean. But, when our casual relationship came to an end it was because I ended it. He made it clear at that point that he wanted more with me, but I backed out. At that point in my life, it just would not have worked. So I know that at one point he had interest in me as relationship material. I'm just not sure if thats still there, or he's just looking for a quick romp. And I just don't get why he would continue to pursue me if he is bedding at least 2 other girls.
GooseChaser Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 His behavior seems to mostly show interest in casual, imo. Perhaps if you want to know for sure if something serious is a possibility you could have a conversation with him? Btw, I find this thread interesting and will be following its progress. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 absolutely! That is what I am doing. He hasn't texted me for almost a week now and I will not be the first to text him. I recently learned of these other girls and couldn't believe it! But I was very happy I didn't give in and go back to my old ways, that would have felt much much worse. It doesn't feel bad knowing that he has taken other women to his bed while I have been rejecting him. It just shows me what he was looking for, and I come out on top because I stood my ground. I understand relationships worth having usually never stem from casual sex. Yes, I slept with him before but it has been years and we have been out of touch. A lot has changed, at least on my end. I want him to know that. Yep, stick to it. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. It was your right to make the decision to sleep with him then and it is your right to make the decision not to now. If he thinks you are obligated or he is entitled to sleep with you because you did it before, he is not a good guy. You show him that there is a new Sheriff in town If he wants to be the deputy, he needs to earn that badge. 2
xcupid Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 He's testing you. He's not interested in you on any other level. All he wants is sex with you. "Why, when he is sleeping with at least 2 women that I know of?" He likes variety. "What do you think?" He's not worth your time. 1
Author ISPY222 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Yep, stick to it. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. It was your right to make the decision to sleep with him then and it is your right to make the decision not to now. If he thinks you are obligated or he is entitled to sleep with you because you did it before, he is not a good guy. You show him that there is a new Sheriff in town If he wants to be the deputy, he needs to earn that badge. So far so good! And there will be no end to my snarky/sarcastic replies to his attempts at sex. Actually, I think that makes him even more interested in me. Men are so funny.
Redhead14 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 So far so good! And there will be no end to my snarky/sarcastic replies to his attempts at sex. Actually, I think that makes him even more interested in me. Men are so funny. Be careful about this . . . yes, it may make him even more interested, however, you need to be careful what you wish for . . . he may still only be interested in sex and play the game for you. It's ok to be snarky here and there, but I wouldn't over play that. Be more direct than sarcastic. That may come across as kinda passive-aggressive. 1
GemmaUK Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 So far so good! And there will be no end to my snarky/sarcastic replies to his attempts at sex. Actually, I think that makes him even more interested in me. Men are so funny. I don't do those. I just ignore. It shows you're not affected/interested in any way and you know what he is playing at. He will love a snarky reply, any reply means you are investing time and thinking about him/his text. Snarky and sarcastic can also be seen as flirty/feisty - some guys love that and he sounds like one who does from his hard pursue - he doesn't get knocked back easily. Bad attention is something some guys like - just like toddlers in supermarkets.. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 And I just don't get why he would continue to pursue me if he is bedding at least 2 other girls. Because maybe at this point in his life that is what he is looking for---or thinks he is. Also (no judgement) but if you allowed a casual relationship when you were together before but turned down something more serious with him, that may be how he thinks YOU are or see HIM. I think you will be fine if you show him the phase you are in now and that casual or being jerked around isn't for you. If you decide to go on a date with him, if he ask you for what seems like a real date, you have every opportunity to tell and show him where you are in life now. And on each date thereafter. You can control the pace. I actually think he will be more interested in dating you for real if you continue handling like this. Provided you don't get snarky or emotional in other interactions with him. Be positive and receptive when he approaches you with respect and either ignore politely or treat like a friend/acquaintance who you're not mad at but have little time for when he doesn't. Isn't that really where your thinking is anyway? Sounded like it. Anyway, sounds like you are handling just fine and just needed to backup on reasons for way he was acting. Guys don't always think like a lot of girls so if he can sleep with 2 other girls at same time as trying to pursue something undetermined as to what with you, he might just do it because he can and why not? It means he doesn't have committed or loyal feelings to anyone at this moment. Doesn't mean he won't in future.
Versacehottie Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Be careful about this . . . yes, it may make him even more interested, however, you need to be careful what you wish for . . . he may still only be interested in sex and play the game for you. It's ok to be snarky here and there, but I wouldn't over play that. Be more direct than sarcastic. That may come across as kinda passive-aggressive. I agree, OP. Sassy, a little sarcastic, feisty-ish. Anything more shows you're invested in him. If you want to give him a challenge where he just sets out to win, probably sex motived mostly, act snarky. If you want to give him a little bit of a challenge where he sets out to win YOU, act non-chalant, indifferent to his bad behavior, ie minor sarcastic remarks if they flow easily. He will set out to find other ways and be intrigued about getting your attention through other behavior and since the bad behavior isn't working, he will often try the good. Plus he will get hooked on you in doing it because the only end goal is not sex, it's your attention. Just a thought.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 But I've made it pretty clear thats not what I want... yet he still pursues me. Why, when he is sleeping with at least 2 women that I know of? I can't figure out if he is really interested in me on a different level, or is just having fun playing the game to see if he can get me into bed again. What do you think? A lot has changed, at least on my end. I want him to know that. Good for you for standing your ground. However, I'm confused on 2 points. 1. Would you want to date him exclusively if that was an option? Or do you want him to go away altogether? 2. What do you mean when you say you make it "pretty Clear" that things have changed? I have a feeling he might not be aware that things have changed & he just thinks you are playing hard to get. Unless you point blank told him I don't do casual anymore. What we had was fun then but I want more now. I want an exclusive relationship or words to that effect, you might not have been clear enough. If you want him to stop pursuing you, nothing short of Buzz Off or stronger will make him go away.
xcupid Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I don't do those. I just ignore. It shows you're not affected/interested in any way and you know what he is playing at. He will love a snarky reply, any reply means you are investing time and thinking about him/his text. Snarky and sarcastic can also be seen as flirty/feisty - some guys love that and he sounds like one who does from his hard pursue - he doesn't get knocked back easily. Bad attention is something some guys like - just like toddlers in supermarkets.. I agree. You're better off not playing his little game - because that's what's he's doing, playing a game. Your remarks could be the incentive he needs to continue to pursue you. Sounds like he likes a challenge and being sarcastic/snarky could be seen by him as being a challenge.
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