I'm 23f, left my 31m boyfriend of 2 yrs yesterday. horrible fallout.

August 21, 2015

I'm feeling insane amounts of guilt over this and I don't know if I can cover it all with one post, but I guess I can start from the top. I hope I can find peace of mind with you guys because I'm at the end of my rope here and I'm starting to even wonder if this was worth it. In addition to the nonstop texts and hate messages from his family I'm actually scared to pursue a relationship ever again.

We met around this time two years ago at a bar, and what was initially a bit of a hook up (classy, I know) turned into continued meet ups and eventually a whirlwind romance. Eventually we were hanging out all the time and making out and eventually I met his friends, became his girlfriend and he even said he loved me. Mind you this may have all happened within a month and that's being kinda gracious, it could be three weeks. I kinda knew what the red flags were and I knew we were moving fast but I didn't care.

Soon after I started sleeping over his mother's house where he lived on the other side of town and we enjoyed each other's company, and he began to toy with the idea of having us live together, move in together and start something serious. I was all aboard for a commitment but I guess we had different ideas of a commitment.

We promised each other we would work towards these goals of having a life together which would start out simple: Getting our drivers licenses. With his sister's help, I got mine and I am so grateful for that. He, two years later, still hasn't even read the book I gave him to practice for the permit test. It was so frustrating for me because when I got my license and my car running (which isn't much of a car but it at least gets me around) he basically had no qualms letting me be the taxi.

I didn't either for a while, until he started expecting it, like making plans for me to take his disabled mother to the grocery store and not informing me after the plans were made, or expecting rides just about everywhere and anywhere. I was always going to him to sleep over but he rarely came to me and that really sucked. Once again, I didn't mind at first, and occasionally he'd throw me gas money, but I guess yesterday was the last straw when he made me feel guilty about the fact that I wanted my only day off this month (I work up to 7 days a week 10-12 hours a day, this has been a busy month) to be spent not going to a 7-year-old's birthday party. I said I didn't want to go, and he flipped, because "How am I going to get a ride there? Nobody will pick me up, I'm too out of the way. That poor girl is going to be heartbroken that I'm not there!" Like, really? I told him to stop guilting me about it and he said "f--k this I want a break". No kidding, this was all over facebook messenger yesterday. Then it clicked -- He's 31, and two years ago he said "I'm getting my permit next week!" but he's been saying that at least three times a month since we've met. He even told me last night. "Why would you break up with me when I'm gonna get my permit! I told you!" He told me a thousand times before...

When I first met his mother, she wanted nothing to do with me. She apparently had fallen into a depression over being laid off, despite having four children helping her the best they could and a lovely grandchild. She sat in her room all day, glared at me if I walked by her and said "hello", and scratched tickets and chainsmoked and wore an eyepatch over her infected eye that she refused to get checked out. Turns out she actually had glaucoma and left it be for a year, so she's legally blind and doesn't drive.

She has diabetes now and basically refuses to help herself and despite a few brushes with death, doesn't seem interested in living. My now ex basically gives her half of every paycheck he makes and she still complains it's not enough money, so, there's that. He feels the need to constantly support her which I don't blame him, but she's pretty toxic and needy and he feels like he is basically unable to move out for the reasons of not being able to save money and, well, you get it. Co-dependence I guess?

I woke up one day and realized I didn't really enjoy the time we spent together because of how often we fought or... I don't know. I started growing resentful, annoyed, unattracted until I couldn't take it anymore. He became hateful when he would drink (he would drink in excess sometimes to where he'd pee the bed or wake up and pee in a corner of the room and say scary things to me) and his negative traits and outbursts never improved, they merely worsened. He always said I was so miserable -- I'm starting to think if I was miserable because of him or my job or something else but I actually avoided him for so long because I associated him with anxiety and nervous thoughts. I started hanging with other people and making new friends and feeling so good about myself again. He didn't even make me feel good on a happy level.

I think about the man I loved back then and then man I have now and I don't know what happened. We were so full of hope and life. I cry because I would love the person I had two years ago. I'd do anything for him. But he's not there, or rather, he isn't who I thought he was. The negative outweighed the positive in the end I guess.

I guess it just seems like a never ending onslaught of broken promises, horrible and humiliating fights, and make ups. My feelings for him have decreased so far, yet I feel so attached and as if I'm doing something wrong by leaving. His sister texted me and said I had no decency to do what I did, I guess she means by leaving him. I loved him. I still do. I just... have this overwhelming need to move on, but he won't stop texting me and making me feel horrible. He put all the gifts I got him in a trash bag and threw them at me and continued to berate me last night and it hurt so bad but all I could do was act stonefaced. He kept telling me I threw him away which wasn't true. I really love him. But I can't do this. I'm in pain too. Don't my feelings matter either?

Edited August 21, 2015 by ne0

August 21, 2015

Your feelings do matter. But, you have to understand that you're breaking his heart and HE thinks that you don't give a rip or don't care because, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this right now. That's not what I'M saying. I'm just saying that's probably what he feeling.

Your best bet is to just walk away. If his berating you for the pain he's feeling right now is what he needs, then fine. Let him think you're the bad guy. But, you walk away.

You need to start NC. I have a feeling that even his sister isn't done yet, so you might have to consider changing your number.

August 21, 2015

Your feelings do matter. But, you have to understand that you're breaking his heart and HE thinks that you don't give a rip or don't care because, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this right now. That's not what I'M saying. I'm just saying that's probably what he feeling.

Your best bet is to just walk away. If his berating you for the pain he's feeling right now is what he needs, then fine. Let him think you're the bad guy. But, you walk away.

You need to start NC. I have a feeling that even his sister isn't done yet, so you might have to consider changing your number.

This sucks. Why can't he see it from my angle? Why am I the bad guy? I don't want to be the bad guy. He thinks this is undeserved, that I'm doing this just to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I'm just sick of the go nowhere relationships.

August 21, 2015

This sucks. Why can't he see it from my angle? Why am I the bad guy? I don't want to be the bad guy. He thinks this is undeserved, that I'm doing this just to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I'm just sick of the go nowhere relationships.

I'm not saying you're the bad guy. But, he's hurting right now and you're the cause of it, therefore he needs someone to blame for this pain, and since you're causing it, guess what? Tag! You're it!

Look, this is very fresh for him. Very raw. You just laid a bombshell on him. He needs time to process this and come to terms with it. He hurt, angry and sad at the moment. You've been milling on this for a while I'm speculating, therefore, you've had time to disconnect with the relationship. This just happened for him. He needs time. And after he calms down, he may feel differently. But, don't expect him to be okay with everything at this moment because it's too raw.

You made a choice for yourself. And your choice was to walk away from a relationship that wasn't working for you. Therefore, you have to let him go. You need to get out of his life completely so he has time to heal and move on himself. I mean, isn't that what you ultimately want for the both of you?

August 21, 2015

I'm not saying you're the bad guy. But, he's hurting right now and you're the cause of it, therefore he needs someone to blame for this pain, and since you're causing it, guess what? Tag! You're it!

Look, this is very fresh for him. Very raw. You just laid a bombshell on him. He needs time to process this and come to terms with it. He hurt, angry and sad at the moment. You've been milling on this for a while I'm speculating, therefore, you've had time to disconnect with the relationship. This just happened for him. He needs time. And after he calms down, he may feel differently. But, don't expect him to be okay with everything at this moment because it's too raw.

You made a choice for yourself. And your choice was to walk away from a relationship that wasn't working for you. Therefore, you have to let him go. You need to get out of his life completely so he has time to heal and move on himself. I mean, isn't that what you ultimately want for the both of you?

Of course. I just didn't know it would hurt this bad. I still love him but we were so unhealthy. I'm almost tempted to beg for him to let me come back at this point but it's too late and I need to live with the pain. I just hate this. It's so unfair.

August 21, 2015

You broke up with him, the last thing he and his family are worried about... are your feelings. Deal with those on your own.

Move on, you'll get past this.

August 21, 2015

Is everyone saying I was in the wrong to break up with him? I was hoping to get support but I'm not getting any here.

August 21, 2015

This sucks. Why can't he see it from my angle? Why am I the bad guy? I don't want to be the bad guy. He thinks this is undeserved, that I'm doing this just to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I'm just sick of the go nowhere relationships.

I'll throw you a view from the dumpee side. I was in a 7 yr relationship and was set aside to summarize it very shortly. Just visit my topic if you want to know more.

He feels betrayed. Even though he KNOWS he did a lot of things wrong, he feels betrayed you chose the door instead of working on fixing things with him. I think as soon as you told him you were leaving, he started thinking of the hows and whys and instantly identified some of the sources. It is all clear in hindsight.

It's very possible that he was just comfortable with how life was and that he simply forgot that you were a huge factor in making life so great. In a way, in my story, this was a big part... I was content with life with her simply being close, but for her this wasn't enough and she became unhappy and left.

Though, I must say you made the right call. Your ex is a bedwetter. From your story, he seems unstable and even unsafe to be around sometimes. Who likes a bedwetter, and maybe a violent one at that? He is 31 for gods sake, who refuses to get his drivers license. He is supposed to be way more mature than you at 23, but comes across as a needy teen.

You are not the bad guy. He is going through a few stages of grief right now... And one of the stages is simply being angry at the source of the grief. Throwing his gifts at you was just to trick you into feeling guilty and admitting your guilt and possibly that you still love him. If, behind the bedwetting and aggressive layer, he was anything like me behind that, he would have truly felt sorry for doing that to those gifts because of the emotional ties.

I hope this helps. Stay strong, and please do not contact him. He has so much growing to do before he can make you happy. Focus on something you can do on your own and with your friends... Make it your goal, and achieve it.

August 21, 2015

Of course. I just didn't know it would hurt this bad. I still love him but we were so unhealthy. I'm almost tempted to beg for him to let me come back at this point but it's too late and I need to live with the pain. I just hate this. It's so unfair.

Time. It takes time. You need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of him. But, because you've made this decision for yourself, you need to remember that you are much farther in the healing process than he is. So, he not going to be your biggest fan right now.

And don't try to "be friends" with him right now because you're not friends. I'm pretty sure you two didn't enter into a loving and caring relationship with the ultimate outcome that you two are nothing more than really good friends. Plus, you would be filling him up with false hope and that's not fair to him or to you. So, just let him go. And who knows! Months or years down the road when you two think about each other and you feel nothing but indifferent, maybe THEN you can enter into a friendship. But, not while you or he has any romantic feelings for each other.

August 21, 2015

I'll throw you a view from the dumpee side. I was in a 7 yr relationship and was set aside to summarize it very shortly. Just visit my topic if you want to know more.

He feels betrayed. Even though he KNOWS he did a lot of things wrong, he feels betrayed you chose the door instead of working on fixing things with him. I think as soon as you told him you were leaving, he started thinking of the hows and whys and instantly identified some of the sources. It is all clear in hindsight.

It's very possible that he was just comfortable with how life was and that he simply forgot that you were a huge factor in making life so great. In a way, in my story, this was a big part... I was content with life with her simply being close, but for her this wasn't enough and she became unhappy and left.

Though, I must say you made the right call. Your ex is a bedwetter. From your story, he seems unstable and even unsafe to be around sometimes. Who likes a bedwetter, and maybe a violent one at that? He is 31 for gods sake, who refuses to get his drivers license. He is supposed to be way more mature than you at 23, but comes across as a needy teen.

You are not the bad guy. He is going through a few stages of grief right now... And one of the stages is simply being angry at the source of the grief. Throwing his gifts at you was just to trick you into feeling guilty and admitting your guilt and possibly that you still love him. If, behind the bedwetting and aggressive layer, he was anything like me behind that, he would have truly felt sorry for doing that to those gifts because of the emotional ties.

I hope this helps. Stay strong, and please do not contact him. He has so much growing to do before he can make you happy. Focus on something you can do on your own and with your friends... Make it your goal, and achieve it.

Thank you so much for your insight. This whole thing has made me a bit bitter and tempermental and I haven't really had the time to sit and grieve over it... it's stressful. I'm cutting out a huge chunk of my life and everything. Starting over again from square one... It's just I need to be reminded that what I did was right I guess so the pain doesn't convince me otherwise. Maybe I should go to the coping forum?

August 21, 2015

Is everyone saying I was in the wrong to break up with him? I was hoping to get support but I'm not getting any here.

NO! You are not wrong for breaking up with him!!!! You're walking away from a relationship that wasn't working for you! NO ONE IS BLAMING YOU FOR THAT!!! But, you're wondering why you're getting blasted by him and why isn't he taking your feelings into consideration! We're telling you why! And we're trying to give you advice on the best course of action to make this break as clean as possible.

August 21, 2015

Time. It takes time. You need time to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of him. But, because you've made this decision for yourself, you need to remember that you are much farther in the healing process than he is. So, he not going to be your biggest fan right now.

And don't try to "be friends" with him right now because you're not friends. I'm pretty sure you two didn't enter into a loving and caring relationship with the ultimate outcome that you two are nothing more than really good friends. Plus, you would be filling him up with false hope and that's not fair to him or to you. So, just let him go. And who knows! Months or years down the road when you two think about each other and you feel nothing but indifferent, maybe THEN you can enter into a friendship. But, not while you or he has any romantic feelings for each other.

Thank you. My biggest dream would be for him to grow up a bit and get it together but I don't know if I can delude myself and wait that long... so maybe it all is for the best and everything will work out. I just miss having another family and I don't even know if my friends understand why I did this because I rarely talked about my relationship issues. And now one of my guy friends is coming around a bit more but I told him I'm not interested in rebounding right now, lol.

August 21, 2015

NO! You are not wrong for breaking up with him!!!! You're walking away from a relationship that wasn't working for you! NO ONE IS BLAMING YOU FOR THAT!!! But, you're wondering why you're getting blasted by him and why isn't he taking your feelings into consideration! We're telling you why! And we're trying to give you advice on the best course of action to make this break as clean as possible.

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across like that, I guess I'm just really insecure about the whole thing especially because I haven't even had a moment to myself in my innermost thoughts to really think since everything went down. This isn't my first rodeo but it sure as hell might be my most confusing, painful and scary one... so thank you all for telling it how it is! I do appreciate it. Glad I found this forum.

August 21, 2015

Thank you. My biggest dream would be for him to grow up a bit and get it together but I don't know if I can delude myself and wait that long... so maybe it all is for the best and everything will work out. I just miss having another family and I don't even know if my friends understand why I did this because I rarely talked about my relationship issues. And now one of my guy friends is coming around a bit more but I told him I'm not interested in rebounding right now, lol.

God! Please don't do that right now! And you're absolutely right. He would be a rebound, but if your Ex ever got wind of this other dude. Then, he'll automatically think you dumped him for this other guy and that will escalate into your were cheating on him.....and then you'll have a nightmare on your hands.

Take time to grieve. Take time to mourn. Take time to be single again and focus on YOU for a while and not focus on a relationship.

August 21, 2015

Thank you so much for your insight. This whole thing has made me a bit bitter and tempermental and I haven't really had the time to sit and grieve over it... it's stressful. I'm cutting out a huge chunk of my life and everything. Starting over again from square one... It's just I need to be reminded that what I did was right I guess so the pain doesn't convince me otherwise. Maybe I should go to the coping forum?

I understand. You never wanted for things to come as far as they did, and feel guilty you have broken things off. In the guilt, you are losing sight of the reasons that started this.

Let's say you wake up tomorrow and you are together with him again. Would he request a ride somewhere? Would he drink a lot and throw those scary looks? Would he give promises again, and never deliver?

At the end of the day, would you have regret for returning? I think so. Because if all those things weren't a big issue, you would still be there.

Actually I am interested OP. Did he offer to fix all those things when you told him you were leaving?

August 21, 2015

God! Please don't do that right now! And you're absolutely right. He would be a rebound, but if your Ex ever got wind of this other dude. Then, he'll automatically think you dumped him for this other guy and that will escalate into your were cheating on him.....and then you'll have a nightmare on your hands.

Take time to grieve. Take time to mourn. Take time to be single again and focus on YOU for a while and not focus on a relationship.

Oh absolutely, I'm so emotionally worn down from this whole to-do that I don't even want to start a new relationship. I'm so broken from the whole thing and I don't know who to trust. I feel like all of my relationships ended horribly. If I leave, my life becomes hell and people turn on me and everything gets so scary. If they leave, I lose trust. It's like why even have relationships when people let you down?

August 21, 2015

it's simple

you are very young

and you don't love him anymore or you don't enjoy his company any more even if you love him as a person

You just aren't happy with him and it's just been 2 years.. imagine after 3 years or 5 years?

what will happen

you will be depressed and miserable like his mother or even worse..

Just end it, and move on..

Of course he is hurt and sad ..

but in time he'll realize you weren't the best match and he'll move on too

Just stop talking to him or dealing with him at all..

August 21, 2015

You have nothing done nothing that you should feel guilty about.

Everyone has the right to walk away from a relationship that they no longer wish to continue.

Thats a very fundamental right that we all have.

There is no 'bad guy' in this situation.

Take care.

August 21, 2015

I understand. You never wanted for things to come as far as they did, and feel guilty you have broken things off. In the guilt, you are losing sight of the reasons that started this.

Let's say you wake up tomorrow and you are together with him again. Would he request a ride somewhere? Would he drink a lot and throw those scary looks? Would he give promises again, and never deliver?

At the end of the day, would you have regret for returning? I think so. Because if all those things weren't a big issue, you would still be there.

Actually I am interested OP. Did he offer to fix all those things when you told him you were leaving?

Thank you for your response.

I certainly wished we could have been forever. I really saw myself living a long time with him -- except our future at hand was so uncertain. I was afraid of living in his mother's dilapidated house the rest of my days, and I'm still struggling to get a job that pays well. We both realistically are but I would have been willing to work with him on that and he knows that.

I'd regret returning because I think things would be okay for a while but we never ever seem to resolve the issues we have, so we revisit them and resentment creeps in. We needed counseling maybe, but it's not like either one of us have the time to go to therapy. It would be comforting and happy but it's just temporary. We always go back to the same arguments and nothing truly changes...

He told me he'd fix those things but he also said that when this happened the last (few) time(s) we broke up. We would fight and then "break up" and he'd say "I'm gonna change" but there would be no actual change. It's a cycle.

August 21, 2015

Thank you for your response.

I certainly wished we could have been forever. I really saw myself living a long time with him -- except our future at hand was so uncertain. I was afraid of living in his mother's dilapidated house the rest of my days, and I'm still struggling to get a job that pays well. We both realistically are but I would have been willing to work with him on that and he knows that.

I'd regret returning because I think things would be okay for a while but we never ever seem to resolve the issues we have, so we revisit them and resentment creeps in. We needed counseling maybe, but it's not like either one of us have the time to go to therapy. It would be comforting and happy but it's just temporary. We always go back to the same arguments and nothing truly changes...

He told me he'd fix those things but he also said that when this happened the last (few) time(s) we broke up. We would fight and then "break up" and he'd say "I'm gonna change" but there would be no actual change. It's a cycle.

Ok. You mentioned this isn't the first time this happened. How often did this happen?

August 21, 2015

One more thing before I go:

This kinda bugged me out, but my boyfriend was a guy who didn't like to wear condoms no matter how much I asked etc, and he seemed to be pretty good at the withdrawal method.

Around a week or so before this happened, he said this to me:

"I'm planning on going to the man doctor soon to get my sperm count looked at"

I asked why.

"Well, with the amount of unprotected sex we have, you should have had a legitimate scare by now!"

... This creeped me out a little. Was I reading too far into things? I said I wanted marriage and kids but not at 23...

August 21, 2015

I feel that the alcohol factor is a major part of the problem.

Instead of getting out of his miserable situation, he's trying to drown his sorrows, which never works.

His family is clearly very dysfunctional, and his home life miserable, but he's the only one who can do anything about it, and it doesn't look like he will.

There's absolutely nothing you can do to fix this.

August 21, 2015

Ok. You mentioned this isn't the first time this happened. How often did this happen?

Well, I'd say once every few months we'd have a bit of a blowout but only recently.

We had minor fights and even just light discussions about working towards the future in between maybe once or twice a month...

More often than not I guess.

August 21, 2015

One more thing before I go:

This kinda bugged me out, but my boyfriend was a guy who didn't like to wear condoms no matter how much I asked etc, and he seemed to be pretty good at the withdrawal method.

Around a week or so before this happened, he said this to me:

"I'm planning on going to the man doctor soon to get my sperm count looked at"

I asked why.

"Well, with the amount of unprotected sex we have, you should have had a legitimate scare by now!"

... This creeped me out a little. Was I reading too far into things? I said I wanted marriage and kids but not at 23...

Meh....I kinda understand where he's coming from. Just because he never had an orgasm inside you doesn't mean that there wasn't a release of sperm. That pre-cum is full of sperm cells. Just not as much as.....well, you know.

August 21, 2015

Is everyone saying I was in the wrong to break up with him? I was hoping to get support but I'm not getting any here.

Sounds like this guy was taking advantage of you and you dodged a bullet.

Of course he's hurting. You're hurting. In different ways. But how did he not see this coming? Did he think he won the bf of the year award? He sounds full of empty promises. Kudos to you for getting out and wanting more for yourself.

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I'm 23f, left my 31m boyfriend of 2 yrs yesterday. horrible fallout.

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