I broke up with him but I'm still in love

[robisadentist]

Hey everybody

 

So just under 2 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year because he was quite selfish and inconsiderate, and he would only treat me like I mattered when it was convenient. He was a workaholic, and his career came ahead of me no matter what. We lived a fair distance from each other (1 hour drive), but that was never an issue to me, however he did not see it as important to come and visit me all that often, and he would always be in a mood if he did. He would also ignore me and push me away when he was stressed, despite knowing how it was hurting me. I tried so many times to talk to him and communicate how his behaviour was affecting me, but he couldn't comprehend how I would feel neglected, and would argue that I needed to be more understanding and supportive of him. He resented doing things "just to make me happy", and so my needs were largely unmet and I felt like I had tape over my mouth.

 

So I made the decision to leave, knowing that he was never going to change his behaviour because he couldn't acknowledge how it wasn't fair. He never once apologised to me, and he certainly never reached out to me first in any kind of capacity.

 

However, I really love this guy. We did have a lot of fun times together, and when he wanted to, he could be attentive and thoughtful and sweet. He would usually call me every day, and we enjoyed each other's company. He would hear me out every time I was upset, even if he never really got the message. He was definitely trying significantly harder toward the end of the relationship, but my emotional trust had already been too compromised. He was always frustrated because he felt like nothing he ever did was good enough for me and I always felt awful because when he was good, he was so good. We definitely had different needs in terms of levels of intimacy.

 

I'm just finding it so hard I don't want to go back, because I know that if I did that it would involve me doing all the work to say sorry for dumping you, when the problem was always that I felt like I was putting in so much more. Yet I can't stop indulging this fantasy that he will have some major realisation about how his behaviour was unfair, and that he will come to my door and apologise to me. (Impossible - that would involve him coming to my house AND apologising AND being the one to reach out! Not a chance )

 

I feel so angry at him for letting me down, and at myself for making excuses for him. I dumped him, but I feel like I got dumped. At the same time I really, really miss him. I love him so much and care for him so deeply. I know he has good intentions, and I know he has his own struggles. I respect myself too much to tolerate being ignored and neglected, but I still really want to be there for him. I feel like I'm going crazy!!!

[NopeNah]

I'm somewhat of a workaholic myself and spread myself way too thin with too many projects at a time. The thing is.....I'm doing it to set myself up to retire as early as possible. I want to travel the world and have others do my work for me,while still earning money. It's a toss up on what you're willing to accept. I'm even more into my work now that my kid has moved across the country for college. I still see my gf when I can,but she understands/supports my goals and the end game. At least she says she does, when we're together she hates when I talk about work(I'm really just thinking out loud, as my brain never stops spinning)

[robisadentist]

I'm somewhat of a workaholic myself and spread myself way too thin with too many projects at a time. The thing is.....I'm doing it to set myself up to retire as early as possible. I want to travel the world and have others do my work for me,while still earning money. It's a toss up on what you're willing to accept. I'm even more into my work now that my kid has moved across the country for college. I still see my gf when I can,but she understands/supports my goals and the end game. At least she says she does, when we're together she hates when I talk about work(I'm really just thinking out loud, as my brain never stops spinning)

 

I think I could deal with workaholism on its own But he would never really make time for me. We never had a single conversation about our relationship without him bringing it back to work and how important work was.

 

He would make time to network over spending time with me, and believed I should be okay with going looong periods of time (upward of a month) without seeing him if work was busy.

 

Edited August 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NopeNah]

I think I could deal with workaholism on its own But he would never really make time for me. We never had a single conversation about our relationship without him bringing it back to work and how important work was.

 

He would make time to network over spending time with me, and believed I should be okay with going looong periods of time (upward of a month) without seeing him if work was busy.

 

I might also add that I work for myself, so it's on me to bring in the "jobs/pay".. If I don't,then none of my employees make any money..If I had a 9-5/salary(dummy up and collect my check), I wouldn't work as much as I do. My gf sees this pretty much daily. I go to bed around 1am and get up at 5am,daily,even if I'm off that day. "internal hustle clock" is what she calls it. I admire the fact that she does notice what I do and am doing it for.. She was a bit peeved that I bought my daughter,who does act entitled at times, a car and set her up a decent bank account for school..that bothered me a bit..

 

Like I said...It's what you're willing to accept as a relationship and what you're willing to put up with. I'd never go a month without seeing someone I cared about and wanted to be with..This almost sounds like a FWB situation from his side.

Edited August 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator