melancholy123 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 After lingering around here for about 2 years and reading alot of threads, I think I have borderline personality disorder. I know this isn’t a mental health forum or anything, but I can see that a lot of men on here haveexperience in dealing with ex-gfs who exhibited traits of BDP. The more I read those kind of threads, the more I find myself perceiving myself as this hateful monster that I cannot tolerate anymore. My boyfriend (now ex) of 2 years endedthings with me about a month ago – he left me feeling like everything was myfault, that I was the problem, that I was a hypocrite, that I didn’t appreciate him, that I didn’t know how to love him, that I was selfish, that I was messed up. And I believe him, because I truly do hate myself as well – and I trust his reaffirmation of how I already feel about myself. But anyway, as a result of feeling at my all-time low, I began seeing a therapist and also consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, however, did not diagnose BDP or anything as such. He simply told me I had depression/anxiety, and I was a people-pleaser, and have a huge sense of guilt over everything I do. Likewise, my therapist also confirmed that I did not have BDP. But, I cannot seem to believe my therapist OR the psychiatrist. I am convinced I have BDP, especially after reading all the posts on here. If I didn’t have BPD why would my ex hate me so much? Why couldn’t I maintain a loving relationship with my ex, since he was such a good guy? Surely there was something wrong with me. I’m not sure what insight I’m looking forwith this thread. But perhaps someone has experience with how their partner overcame BPD, or any other valuable information that would be helpful?
jasxo Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Do you have an extreme fear of being abandoned, have unstable emotions and display push/pull behaviors? 1
na49 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Your psychiatrist/therapist would know if you had BPD better than anyone here. I don't know much about diagnosing people, but I do know it takes more than reading symptoms online or posts on here. As for why you couldn't have a relationship with your ex? Maybe his feelings just changed. It definitely isn't 100% your fault, and I think your low self esteem is what makes you believe him. Not sure if that will help, but try not beating yourself up too much. 4
Diezel Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 If you believe you have it, you probably don't have it. 7
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD. What leads you to believe you suffer from this condition? In other words, what types of behaviours do you demonstrate that you feel match the hallmarks of BPD? My ex had been diagnosed but he refused treatment of any kind. He couldn't accept the diagnosis, even though it was given by more than one professional and he knew there was a problem. There is no cure, but there are certain types of therapy a sufferer can try in an effort to manage the condition. However, this often takes years of committed and sustained effort. BPD is a tremendously disruptive disorder and generally will affect more area of your life than just romantic relationships. Have you struggled with other types of relationships? Having said that, I don't hate my ex-boyfriend. At the time of our final break-up (because there had been a few before) I just simply couldn't stay in such a toxic cycle and have my own well-being damaged. It was a roller-coaster that just became intolerable and risky to my self-worth. He isn't a bad person but he suffers from an awful condition, for which he will not seek treatment. Your ex will probably eventually feel the same way I do now. I wish him (my ex) well, but I cannot be part of his life any longer. 2
writergal Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 OP, a breakup happens when the relationship isn't working, which means that both people contributed to the relationship's end. It's not always just one person's fault. It takes two to tango, and two to make a relationship fail or succeed. I highly doubt you have a personality disorder. But then again, I think the whole field of psychiatry is a sham. Anxiety and depression are a normal reaction that everyone has after a breakup. So, there's nothing abnormal about you. 2
Author melancholy123 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Do you have an extreme fear of being abandoned, have unstable emotions and display push/pull behaviors? Yes, I do. However, I feel like the worst of me came out in my last relationship. I had issues prior to this relationship as well, but all my flaws got magnified in this relationship which caused me to start questioning my mental sanity. 1
NopeNah Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 but all my flaws got magnified in this relationship which caused me to start questioning my mental sanity. Was it him or you that magnified your "flaws"? 1
Author melancholy123 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD. What leads you to believe you suffer from this condition? In other words, what types of behaviours do you demonstrate that you feel match the hallmarks of BPD? My ex had been diagnosed but he refused treatment of any kind. He couldn't accept the diagnosis, even though it was given by more than one professional and he knew there was a problem. There is no cure, but there are certain types of therapy a sufferer can try in an effort to manage the condition. However, this often takes years of committed and sustained effort. BPD is a tremendously disruptive disorder and generally will affect more area of your life than just romantic relationships. Have you struggled with other types of relationships? Having said that, I don't hate my ex-boyfriend. At the time of our final break-up (because there had been a few before) I just simply couldn't stay in such a toxic cycle and have my own well-being damaged. It was a roller-coaster that just became intolerable and risky to my self-worth. He isn't a bad person but he suffers from an awful condition, for which he will not seek treatment. Your ex will probably eventually feel the same way I do now. I wish him (my ex) well, but I cannot be part of his life any longer. Well, I feel like I'm emotionally unstable. I'm paranoid. I tend to shut down when I'm upset/stressed about something - something that frustrated my ex. I like to be left alone to articulate my thoughts and understand what I'm feeling - something that frustrated my ex. I sometimes become really quiet when I'm upset, anxious, or anticipated a fight - again something that frustrated my ex. I am sometimes passive-aggressive, but I swear it's never with the intention to hurt someone else - I just need alone time sometimes so that I don't say something to someone that might upset them (my ex also hated this). I've always had a weird fear of feeling like people close to me will pass away. I cannot make decisions. The two relationships I've been in both were a failure - clearly due to my issues. My ex said I wasn't affectionate or attentive. He said I was selfish, and that I didn't care about him. I do have short-lived friendships, I don't put a lot of effort into my friendships. I like being alone, etc. Thank you for sharing your experience with your ex-bf. It's good to know people like you exist who don't HATE others...my ex-bf, on the other hand, hates me for all this. Which is why I'm so keen on bettering myself, but for that I need a diagnosis which didn't happen. The only difference in your case and mine is that my ex didn't think I had a problem. Heck, he didn't even understand my depression. He just thought I was a non-caring, non-understanding, cold person... but I really wasn't :S
Author melancholy123 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Was it him or you that magnified your "flaws"? I'm not sure... He would just point out everything I was doing wrong, and I could never defend myself because I believed him. I'm at the point where I don't even know if his allegations were true or not because I don't know how to stand up for myself. I did confide in him with my insecurities, and did own up to my mistakes. So I guess we both were magnifying my flaws? 1
NopeNah Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I'm not sure... He would just point out everything I was doing wrong, and I could never defend myself because I believed him. I'm at the point where I don't even know if his allegations were true or not because I don't know how to stand up for myself. I did confide in him with my insecurities, and did own up to my mistakes. So I guess we both were magnifying my flaws? if I was with someone who constantly pointed out what they didn't like about me or my personality, I'd show myself to the door. Just saying... 5
Diezel Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I'm more likely to believe that he was BPD than you are. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Well, I feel like I'm emotionally unstable. I'm paranoid. I tend to shut down when I'm upset/stressed about something - something that frustrated my ex. I like to be left alone to articulate my thoughts and understand what I'm feeling - something that frustrated my ex. I sometimes become really quiet when I'm upset, anxious, or anticipated a fight - again something that frustrated my ex. I am sometimes passive-aggressive, but I swear it's never with the intention to hurt someone else - I just need alone time sometimes so that I don't say something to someone that might upset them (my ex also hated this). I've always had a weird fear of feeling like people close to me will pass away. I cannot make decisions. The two relationships I've been in both were a failure - clearly due to my issues. My ex said I wasn't affectionate or attentive. He said I was selfish, and that I didn't care about him. I do have short-lived friendships, I don't put a lot of effort into my friendships. I like being alone, etc. Thank you for sharing your experience with your ex-bf. It's good to know people like you exist who don't HATE others...my ex-bf, on the other hand, hates me for all this. Which is why I'm so keen on bettering myself, but for that I need a diagnosis which didn't happen. The only difference in your case and mine is that my ex didn't think I had a problem. Heck, he didn't even understand my depression. He just thought I was a non-caring, non-understanding, cold person... but I really wasn't :S I'm not a doctor nor a mental health professional of any kind, so I can only speak from my own experience here - but this doesn't sound like BPD at all. I will paint a picture of my experience with my ex-boyfriend to give a sense of how this disorder manifested in him: He had a hair-trigger temper, and when it flared, he became enraged. He would yell and scream and insult me in any way he could, in private and in public, and please believe me when I say that the seemingly smallest and most inconsequential things could set him off within seconds. Literally. One example was a time when I meant to email him a simple document for a competition he was preparing for, which was several months away. I needed to fly home (on an international flight) rather unexpectedly and yes, I forgot to email him. I got a call at the airport, with screaming down the line at me how insensitive and stupid I was, accusing me of caring about nobody but myself. He was screaming and cursing so loudly that other people in the waiting area could hear him through my phone. I calmly told him I would not tolerate that tone and language and would end the call if he didn't stop. He didn't, so I said goodbye and hung up. Well. I tried calling back about 10 minutes later, he ignored me and then sent a message that if I didn't stop harassing him, he would report me to the police. Upon landing at home nealry 10 hours later, he had sent a message asking how my flight was and to say hi to my parents for him, as if nothing had happened. I gave you the above example to demonstrate something called "splitting" which is a hallmark (along with a quick, raging temper) of BPD. One minute the sufferer loves you and you can do no wrong (often referred to as "idolizing") . In an instant, they paint you black (often referred to as "devaluing") and hate you more than anyone in the world. It seems to come out of nowhere over the most minor of events. It is generally not a subtle shift in behavior and it can be quite frightening, both for the sufferer and whomever the target of their anger is. And it tends to happen frequently, sometimes a few times a day. I gave you only one example of many such instances. He loved me more than life itself one day, and the next day hollered and kicked me out of his house and told me to stay out of his life forever. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. The only word I can use to describe this is chaos. I would say, based solely on your description, that you do not experience this type of volatile temper or "splitting." Correct me if I am wrong, though. Not all people with BPD experience it in the same way or with the same symptoms. I emphasize that this comes only from my own experience. But what you describe does not sound like BPD to me. I would urge you to do more research about BPD (there are specific forums out there dealing with the disorder and its effects on relationships) but in the meantime, listen to the guidance of your doctor and therapist. They are in a much better position to correctly diagnose you than any of us are. And good luck to you in your journey. EDIT: The user Downtown has some excellent and informative posts about BPD. Try a board search to read some more. Edited August 21, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 4
Satu Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 If two mental health professionals have assessed you, and don't think you have BPD, it's very unlikely that you do. You might be suffering from 'tough times.' Life can be a bumpy ride, and almost everyone has to cope with loss and disappointment at some point in their life. Maybe you're at that point. 2
BriNyc82 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I don't mean to sound harsh at all so please don't take it this way. If two mental health professionals did not diagnose you, maybe your best bet is to take what you know and have learned about yourself and become the person you want to be. I know it would be so much easier if they could diagnose you and give you a roadmap. Hey, we are all a work in progress right. You're a step ahead because you're already aware of what you want to change 2
Mondmellonw Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 After lingering around here for about 2 years and reading alot of threads, I think I have borderline personality disorder. I know this isn’t a mental health forum or anything, but I can see that a lot of men on here haveexperience in dealing with ex-gfs who exhibited traits of BDP. The more I read those kind of threads, the more I find myself perceiving myself as this hateful monster that I cannot tolerate anymore. My boyfriend (now ex) of 2 years endedthings with me about a month ago – he left me feeling like everything was myfault, that I was the problem, that I was a hypocrite, that I didn’t appreciate him, that I didn’t know how to love him, that I was selfish, that I was messed up. And I believe him, because I truly do hate myself as well – and I trust his reaffirmation of how I already feel about myself. But anyway, as a result of feeling at my all-time low, I began seeing a therapist and also consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, however, did not diagnose BDP or anything as such. He simply told me I had depression/anxiety, and I was a people-pleaser, and have a huge sense of guilt over everything I do. Likewise, my therapist also confirmed that I did not have BDP. But, I cannot seem to believe my therapist OR the psychiatrist. I am convinced I have BDP, especially after reading all the posts on here. If I didn’t have BPD why would my ex hate me so much? Why couldn’t I maintain a loving relationship with my ex, since he was such a good guy? Surely there was something wrong with me. I’m not sure what insight I’m looking forwith this thread. But perhaps someone has experience with how their partner overcame BPD, or any other valuable information that would be helpful? To me, you don't sound like a BPD at all. I'm not a mental health professional... Yet. But I'm studying psychology. 1
Downtown Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Melancholy, I agree with Expat and the other respondents that you are not describing a strong pattern of BPD warning signs. I like to be left alone to articulate my thoughts and understand what I'm feeling.... I like being alone, etc. BPDers HATE to be alone. The reason is that they have such a weak sense of self that, when they are alone, they don't have anyone around to provide them with the sense of identity they lack. To the extent a BPDer has any persistent self image at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." In sharp contrast, you are describing yourself as the victimizer or perpetrator, i.e., the cause of your innocent exBF's unhappiness. I sometimes become really quiet when I'm upset, anxious, or anticipated a fight.... I just need alone time sometimes so that I don't say something to someone that might upset them. Being able to self-sooth (to calm yourself down) and able to choose your words carefully (to avoid offending your exBF) is a sign that you are able to manage and control your own emotions -- a skill that BPDers never had the opportunity to learn in early childhood. Significantly, the key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions -- a skill which you say you are very good at even during the middle of a heated argument. This lack of emotional-management skills is the reason that, like young children, BPDers typically are very impulsive. Moreover, during a heated argument, the LAST thing a BPDer wants is to interrupt the fight to give you time to collect your thoughts or calm yourself down. Instead, a BPDer wants the argument to be completely resolved RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. The BPDer knows that, due to his inability to regulate emotions, he likely will continue to be very distraught until the matter is fully resolved in his favor. He would just point out everything I was doing wrong, and I could never defend myself because I believed him. If you really had strong BPD traits, it is very unlikely you would have believed his constant barrage of criticisms of you. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing and shame that the last thing she wants to find is one more flaw or mistake to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. Her subconscious mind therefore protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all hurtful feelings and bad thoughts onto her partner. Because this projection is done entirely at the subconscious level, her conscious mind truly believe that these projections are originating from HIM. Hence, if you were a BPDer, you would be the person making constant allegations against him. This is why Diezel observed that the behaviors you attribute to your exBF sound closer to BPD than those you attribute to yourself. I'm so keen on bettering myself, but for that I need a diagnosis which didn't happen. Personality disorders are not something that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, they are groups of basic human behaviors that we all exhibit to some degree. At low levels, these PD traits are useful and necessary to survival. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine our ability to sustain close LTRs. At issue, then, is not whether you "have" PD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibit the traits of a PD at a moderate to strong level that is sufficient to cause you grief in relationships but insufficient to satisfy the diagnostic criteria for having a full-blown PD. I encourage you to keep working with your therapist if you are still very unhappy. If he is not helpful, you might want to try going to another therapist (ideally, a psychologist) because, as is true for any profession, skill sets vary greatly among therapists. 2
Author melancholy123 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 I'm not a doctor nor a mental health professional of any kind, so I can only speak from my own experience here - but this doesn't sound like BPD at all. I will paint a picture of my experience with my ex-boyfriend to give a sense of how this disorder manifested in him: He had a hair-trigger temper, and when it flared, he became enraged. He would yell and scream and insult me in any way he could, in private and in public, and please believe me when I say that the seemingly smallest and most inconsequential things could set him off within seconds. Literally. One example was a time when I meant to email him a simple document for a competition he was preparing for, which was several months away. I needed to fly home (on an international flight) rather unexpectedly and yes, I forgot to email him. I got a call at the airport, with screaming down the line at me how insensitive and stupid I was, accusing me of caring about nobody but myself. He was screaming and cursing so loudly that other people in the waiting area could hear him through my phone. I calmly told him I would not tolerate that tone and language and would end the call if he didn't stop. He didn't, so I said goodbye and hung up. Well. I tried calling back about 10 minutes later, he ignored me and then sent a message that if I didn't stop harassing him, he would report me to the police. Upon landing at home nealry 10 hours later, he had sent a message asking how my flight was and to say hi to my parents for him, as if nothing had happened. I gave you the above example to demonstrate something called "splitting" which is a hallmark (along with a quick, raging temper) of BPD. One minute the sufferer loves you and you can do no wrong (often referred to as "idolizing") . In an instant, they paint you black (often referred to as "devaluing") and hate you more than anyone in the world. It seems to come out of nowhere over the most minor of events. It is generally not a subtle shift in behavior and it can be quite frightening, both for the sufferer and whomever the target of their anger is. And it tends to happen frequently, sometimes a few times a day. I gave you only one example of many such instances. He loved me more than life itself one day, and the next day hollered and kicked me out of his house and told me to stay out of his life forever. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. The only word I can use to describe this is chaos. I would say, based solely on your description, that you do not experience this type of volatile temper or "splitting." Correct me if I am wrong, though. Not all people with BPD experience it in the same way or with the same symptoms. I emphasize that this comes only from my own experience. But what you describe does not sound like BPD to me. I would urge you to do more research about BPD (there are specific forums out there dealing with the disorder and its effects on relationships) but in the meantime, listen to the guidance of your doctor and therapist. They are in a much better position to correctly diagnose you than any of us are. And good luck to you in your journey. EDIT: The user Downtown has some excellent and informative posts about BPD. Try a board search to read some more. Wow. I am quite speechless after reading this. Your example has definitely provided further insight on how terribly toxic this disorder can be, and I'm definitely far from that behavior, and I have not experienced 'splitting'. I have definitely experienced a lot of mood-swings, but certainly not to this extent. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience with your ex. That said, it is commendable that not only did you put up with this, but you UNDERSTOOD that your ex had a problem and wanted to help him get through it. (unlike my ex... who just made me feel like I was nothing less than just crazy and a horrible person) I've gone through phases of completely freezing, and being unable to express/communicate anything to my ex - when I felt he was mad or going to get mad. I believe that was my biggest problem - the inability to say anything, despite the 3543534 things going on in my head at the time and consequently breaking down in tears. (and I thought this was a reflection of me having a disorder of some sort) Nonetheless, it might not be BPD, but I understand I have several issues I need to deal with. But I thank you for taking out the time to explain your experience, as this has helped me develop and better understanding of myself.
Author melancholy123 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Melancholy, I agree with Expat and the other respondents that you are not describing a strong pattern of BPD warning signs. BPDers HATE to be alone. The reason is that they have such a weak sense of self that, when they are alone, they don't have anyone around to provide them with the sense of identity they lack. To the extent a BPDer has any persistent self image at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." In sharp contrast, you are describing yourself as the victimizer or perpetrator, i.e., the cause of your innocent exBF's unhappiness. Being able to self-sooth (to calm yourself down) and able to choose your words carefully (to avoid offending your exBF) is a sign that you are able to manage and control your own emotions -- a skill that BPDers never had the opportunity to learn in early childhood. Significantly, the key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions -- a skill which you say you are very good at even during the middle of a heated argument. This lack of emotional-management skills is the reason that, like young children, BPDers typically are very impulsive. Moreover, during a heated argument, the LAST thing a BPDer wants is to interrupt the fight to give you time to collect your thoughts or calm yourself down. Instead, a BPDer wants the argument to be completely resolved RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. The BPDer knows that, due to his inability to regulate emotions, he likely will continue to be very distraught until the matter is fully resolved in his favor. If you really had strong BPD traits, it is very unlikely you would have believed his constant barrage of criticisms of you. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing and shame that the last thing she wants to find is one more flaw or mistake to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. Her subconscious mind therefore protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all hurtful feelings and bad thoughts onto her partner. Because this projection is done entirely at the subconscious level, her conscious mind truly believe that these projections are originating from HIM. Hence, if you were a BPDer, you would be the person making constant allegations against him. This is why Diezel observed that the behaviors you attribute to your exBF sound closer to BPD than those you attribute to yourself. Personality disorders are not something that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, they are groups of basic human behaviors that we all exhibit to some degree. At low levels, these PD traits are useful and necessary to survival. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine our ability to sustain close LTRs. At issue, then, is not whether you "have" PD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibit the traits of a PD at a moderate to strong level that is sufficient to cause you grief in relationships but insufficient to satisfy the diagnostic criteria for having a full-blown PD. I encourage you to keep working with your therapist if you are still very unhappy. If he is not helpful, you might want to try going to another therapist (ideally, a psychologist) because, as is true for any profession, skill sets vary greatly among therapists. Thank you SO much, Downtown. You made everything crystal clear in regards to my suspicions that I suffered from BPD. Your analysis has actually further confirmed that my exBF exhibited more traits of BPD than I did. It's just odd that I came out of the relationship feeling like I was absolutely insane and needed a diagnosis - whereas he felt he did nothing wrong. I think I just looked up to my exBF way too much... to the point where whatever he said to/about me was what I believed. So much that, I was willing to disregard my therapist and psychiatrist's opinions, and believe my exBF instead. Either way... I understand I have a lot of things to work on, but your analysis has ruled out something I was struggling to believe and work on 'fixing.' Thank you for all your effort in explaining this. I will continue to work on myself.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Wow. I am quite speechless after reading this. Your example has definitely provided further insight on how terribly toxic this disorder can be, and I'm definitely far from that behavior, and I have not experienced 'splitting'. I have definitely experienced a lot of mood-swings, but certainly not to this extent. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience with your ex. That said, it is commendable that not only did you put up with this, but you UNDERSTOOD that your ex had a problem and wanted to help him get through it. (unlike my ex... who just made me feel like I was nothing less than just crazy and a horrible person) I've gone through phases of completely freezing, and being unable to express/communicate anything to my ex - when I felt he was mad or going to get mad. I believe that was my biggest problem - the inability to say anything, despite the 3543534 things going on in my head at the time and consequently breaking down in tears. (and I thought this was a reflection of me having a disorder of some sort) Nonetheless, it might not be BPD, but I understand I have several issues I need to deal with. But I thank you for taking out the time to explain your experience, as this has helped me develop and better understanding of myself. You're quite welcome. I am always open to sharing my experience when I hear of others who have encountered it. Upon reading what you wrote above, I still maintain that you are (fortunately) not a sufferer of BPD. But please accept guidance from your psychologist and caregiver for whatever issues they believe you are struggling with. I learned a lot from my relationship with this man. I eventually realized that although I cared very much for him and had compassion, I simply couldn't jeopardize my own well-being by staying with him. I knew there was ultimately very little I could do to help him if he wouldn't help himself first. There simply comes a point in which we just can't continue on. I have since moved on to much happier and healthier relationship and I no longer have any contact with my ex. Although I wish him the best and hope he someday finds peace of some type, I am happy to be free of it all.
joseb Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Thank you SO much, Downtown. It's just odd that I came out of the relationship feeling like I was absolutely insane and needed a diagnosis - whereas he felt he did nothing wrong Actually, if your ex did have bpd traits, then you feeling like that would be the norm. I agree with others, from what you describe it doesnt sound like you have bpd. You may have issues you need to deal with (either from before, or as a result of 'fleas' from this relationship) but it doesnt sound like bpd to me.
Diezel Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I was in a relationship with someone who was BPD. If it weren't for the fact that my sister was in the psychiatry field and was able to talk me through everything... I would have ABSOLUTELY been thinking that I might have it. It's just projection on the BPD part towards the non. If anything, people who date possible BPD people or with similar traits - are most likely to be co-dependent than anything else. It's going to take you a while to get out of the fog, but you'll get there. It might take you a while to get used to treating others as normal people versus walking on eggshells all the time, but you'll get there. I still have issues with "triggers" from time to time, but it's getting better the more time I've spent away from that relationship. Just don't let this person come back into your life. Be warned, whether he is BPD or not... he most probably will try.
Downtown Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's just odd that I came out of the relationship feeling like I was absolutely insane and needed a diagnosis - whereas he felt he did nothing wrong. Melancholy, if your exBF actually is a BPDer, your feeling "absolutely insane" is not odd at all. On the contrary, it is very common. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. This is one reason therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. It is extremely confusing and disorienting to be in love with a person who, in just ten seconds, can flip from adoring you to devaluing you. I have not experienced 'splitting.' Actually, you likely experience a mild form of it many times a day. Do you remember the time you were driving and suddenly realized you could not recall having seen anything during the past ten miles -- not even the three lighted intersections you drove through? Well, that's a mild example of dissociation (aka, splitting). What happened was that, while your conscious mind was dreaming a thousand miles away, your subconscious was driving you through traffic and stopping the car at the three intersections. The same thing happens when you go to the kitchen and, on opening the refrigerator door, suddenly realize you have no idea what you intended to get. Again, your conscious mind was a thousand miles away while your subconscious was carefully walking you around furniture and into the kitchen. Splitting also happens when you are walking in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you. In that instant, your mind is capable of thinking only two things: "jump left" or "jump right." For our own survival, our minds are hardwired to revert to splitting -- i.e., splitting off the logical part of our mind, putting it entirely out of reach of the conscious mind -- whenever we are under great stress or are startled. This is why, whenever we experience intense anger or intense infatuation, our judgement goes out the window as our conscious mind starts to rely far too heavily on black-white thinking. And this is why we try to keep our mouths shut until we have time to cool down. Because BPDers cannot regulate their own emotions, they experience intense feelings far more frequently than the rest of us. The result is that they do splitting and black-white thinking much more often. Sadly, it distorts their perceptions of their partners' intentions and motivations. To a lesser extent, this happens to all of us.
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