BluEyeL Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 T ^^I think there is something to be said for this, for sure...and may even warrant its own thread. Which I may start later (my first thread). It's one of the main reasons why I FEAR marrying my boyfriend of five years, but I will explain more in the thread. My fear is deep and is starting to cause problems, because my boyfriend really wants to marry me now and is pushing for it, even though I KNOW if we do, he won't find me nearly as exciting and intriguing as he does now. Will explain more later in the thread I start, but I'm starting to freak because if I keep telling him no to marriage, even tho I truly believe just living together is perfect for US, he may break up with me!! Apologies for hijack, but thanks BluEyel for posting this. You hit the nail on the head with that one! ETA ...I should also add he did not start pushing for marriage until he was AWAY FROM ME for a month while back east taking care of his sick mom. Interesting, huh. More later. I'm really interested in that thread although I may not be able to post in it until late tonight or tomorrow morning. I can't wait to discuss!
katiegrl Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I'm really interested in that thread although I may not be able to post in it until late tonight or tomorrow morning. I can't wait to discuss! Tnx Blu, no worries, I am on my way out soon anyway and won't have time to devote to starting it until later on. But yeah very interested in your input! Really struggling with this one....ugh! 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Too often we apply the 'one solution fits all'. Yes most of the time when an ex prospect resurfaces he's probably bored BUT there is the occasional man or woman that do realize after they lost something that they had a good thing going and wishes they had given it a real chance. Or I watch too much movies...
Popsicle Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Or I watch too much movies... Me too. Honestly, it's too early to tell what his motivations are, but you should know in a couple of weeks.
Author Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 He sent me a text earlier today asking why I was on POF and he thought I would have found someone by now *rolling eyes*. One thing lead to another and he told me he realizes he cannot get attached since his divorce. I asked why he let it run for 4 months then and his reply was simply 'he was trying to develop feelings'. I asked him why he called me last Friday. He said only to see how I was doing, nothing more, and to share the news he had lost his bio-father. I told him when he hurts or disappoints a woman it's better he does not contact her again unless it's to tell her he's made a mistake and would like to see her again. I would prefer he does not check up on me as it just stirs old feelings for nothing. I said again I was sorry for his father and wished him courage. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I told him when he hurts or disappoints a woman it's better he does not contact her again unless it's to tell her he's made a mistake and would like to see her again. I would prefer he does not check up on me as it just stirs old feelings for nothing. I said again I was sorry for his father and wished him courage. In addition to the reasons BluEyeL laid out very nicely, I think men often come back around to alleviate their own conscience. They don't like the feeling that they were judged as unsuitable by a woman, and often try to clear the air and their own guilt and feelings that they were seen as falling short. I know that part of the reason my last boyfriend has kept in occasional touch is that he couldn't stand the idea that I would think of him as a bad guy who did me any wrong. He has shown various forms of kindness since I left him, I think in part as some sort of penance to soothe his own conscience. I think this is pretty standard male behavior. Men almost always get in touch with me later, I think because I tend to make a very clean, resolute break, and my silence leaves plenty of room for their mistakes to bounce around in their mind. 3
Author Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 In addition to the reasons BluEyeL laid out very nicely, I think men often come back around to alleviate their own conscience. They don't like the feeling that they were judged as unsuitable by a woman, and often try to clear the air and their own guilt and feelings that they were seen as falling short. I know that part of the reason my last boyfriend has kept in occasional touch is that he couldn't stand the idea that I would think of him as a bad guy who did me any wrong. He has shown various forms of kindness since I left him, I think in part as some sort of penance to soothe his own conscience. I think this is pretty standard male behavior. Men almost always get in touch with me later, I think because I tend to make a very clean, resolute break, and my silence leaves plenty of room for their mistakes to bounce around in their mind. I think you are absolutely right and of course BlueyeL. When I told him I am back online because I am still looking for a relationship and it seems to be a very hard thing to find. He replied 'I was a very human and respectful man'. Trying to value himself to me. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 What is he doing?? He just text me: I hope you're having a nice evening. OMG is it just the Pull-push game here? I rejected him therefore he's got to throw me a line to see if I will bite?
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 What is he doing?? He just text me: I hope you're having a nice evening. OMG is it just the Pull-push game here? I rejected him therefore he's got to throw me a line to see if I will bite? Probably, but who knows. Nothing much shocks me anymore. You're not respond I hope, are you? Watch him start chasing you now! hah
Ruby Slippers Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 What is he doing?? He just text me: I hope you're having a nice evening. OMG is it just the Pull-push game here? I rejected him therefore he's got to throw me a line to see if I will bite? He can tell he's still got a sway over you and is trying to reel you in again. If you want more of the same as last time, go for it. Personally, I'd give him the brush-off.
Amelie1980 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Why is so much emphasis and analyzing placed on nothingness. 10 dates in four months, no exclusivity, a short phone call and a text after months of no contact. What is there to analyze?
Diezel Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Not replying. No chance of that. You could just block him.
Author Gaeta Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 Well it ended up not just being a quick call. He's been contacting me on daily basis since that day. I said to him I have nothing else to say - he cannot develop feelings and I am on a quest to find love. He said I've miss understood everything - he rang my phone to explain himself but I was at work so I told him it was not a good time to get into it. He's leaving for Boston tomorrow so that will have to wait.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Have you considered telling him not to contact you anymore? He's told you straight out he's emotionally unavailable. He's lonely and bored, interacting with you to soothe that. I think that entertaining his contact is letting yourself be devalued to the level of a time-filler. On the other hand, I've noticed you seem to enjoy these vague, aimless interactions with men. That suggests to me you identify with them because you are emotionally unavailable yourself.
Amelie1980 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Have you considered telling him not to contact you anymore? He's told you straight out he's emotionally unavailable. He's lonely and bored, interacting with you to soothe that. I think that entertaining his contact is letting yourself be devalued to the level of a time-filler. On the other hand, I've noticed you seem to enjoy these vague, aimless interactions with men. That suggests to me you identify with them because you are emotionally unavailable yourself. If that IS the case and you're looking for love and he cant get close. Why are bothering to think about this man let alone talk about him for 5 pages? Unless you like aimless interactions.
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) Well it ended up not just being a quick call. He's been contacting me on daily basis since that day. I said to him I have nothing else to say - he cannot develop feelings and I am on a quest to find love. He said I've miss understood everything - he rang my phone to explain himself but I was at work so I told him it was not a good time to get into it. He's leaving for Boston tomorrow so that will have to wait. I have to agree with Ruby and Amelie. Why do you bother engaging with him at all at this point? You have said your piece.... he keeps contacting you.... you simply block him or don't answer your phone. I don't get it.... Edited August 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 Well, I got curious when he said I misunderstood everything he said. lol. I'm not emotionally unavailable, it's probably the contrary, I am too eager to fall in love. I'm not waiting on this man. I got a series of new prospects to work on.
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