the role of the bs is the makings of an affair...

[truncated]

In some of the posts on this site that deal with infidelity, there is an undercurrent of if the bs had only been a better spouse, the affair would not have happened.

 

If you are a former ws who has had time and distance to consider your choices and actions, what was the reason you cheated? Was there anything your spouses did/ didn't do that you think could have have made a difference in how you acted?

[almond]

When a relationship is damaged, it takes both parties to invest to correct it. The actions of one is strongly determined by the other in such a close and complex dynamic...cause and effect, getting stuck in cycles, resentment etc.

 

I don't feel anyone can really say that "if my partner would have just done x and x, then I would have acted differently."

 

More often than not, it is two people strongly contributing to each feeling and action in such a close union...the pressures of the relationship push people to do things and act in certain ways, but the pressures are determined by the attitudes, feelings and behaviour of both parties. The way such emotions and actions combine is such that it is way too complicated to ever play the blame game with any success.

 

If a cheater can say "if my partner didn't do this, then I would have acted differently," then by that logic, the BS could turn around and say "well if my partner didn't do this, then I wouldn't have acted that way in the first place."

 

It would be never ending. The blame game is not productive. There are always pressures pushing you in all directions in life...peer pressure to do drugs, peer pressure to act alpha and get into fights...peer pressure to have underage sex.

 

Each and every one of is is responsible for our own actions, and more to the point, the way we choose to respond to pressure and how we act as a result of this.

 

Your choices are on you. No one else. You can't blame pressures for the way you chose to react. If you were not well equipped or balanced enough to deal with the pressure in a way that is aligned with your moral beliefs...well, that's on you too. This is what being an adult truly means.

[autumnnight]

My take:

 

A BS has NO role in an affair.

 

A BS does have a role in the marriage.

[Sandy43]

I don't think the BS has a role either, some people cheat that is the bottom line. People don't cheat for better they cheat for different.

[Got it]

In some of the posts on this site that deal with infidelity, there is an undercurrent of if the bs had only been a better spouse, the affair would not have happened.

 

If you are a former ws who has had time and distance to consider your choices and actions, what was the reason you cheated? Was there anything your spouses did/ didn't do that you think could have have made a difference in how you acted?

 

No, I really don't think so. I mean, if he was suddenly doing EVERYTHING I ever wanted I may have reconsidered where I was with the divorce but I also know the moment when I was definitively done and I really don't see any going backwards on it.

 

It is hard to know what would have impacted what but, no, I own my actions 100%. They are mine and mine alone.

[RecentChange]

I cheated, I don't blame my partner for my cheating. I made that choice on my own. Sure, was I missing things in my life that got fulfilled by cheating? Yep. Was that his fault? No. I could have recognized something was wrong in my relationship and worked on it before going there. But I didn't.

 

He doesn't know - if it comes out, I won't blame him, I will blame myself for being a horn dog.

 

Now, he cheated once as well .... And when he started giving reasons why *I* was the reason for it - I called him out on the BS that was.

 

And in short time he took responsibility for it.

 

I think many times cheaters want to blame the spouse, because it's simply easier than taking the responsibility and doing the self reflection to ask the hard questions of WHY you did it.

[DKT3]

I'm one who believes that issue in the marriage are rarely the true reason behind infidelity. I believe that its mostly to justify after the fact. How often do we hear the lame excuse "I didn't know what was missing until the affair" ??? So how would one know that something missing would be found in the affair before they were in the affair? Sadly this is widely accepted with many people.

 

People can justify just about anything when they want to. Nah, WS's are simply selfish entitled brats who believe they can do whatever they want as long as no one finds out. Once the guilt and shame hits or they get caught that's when the its their fault crap starts.

[RecentChange]

So you think people are totally satisfied, have what they want and need in their relationship, and cheat "just because"?

 

For me at least, we used to have sex daily. Crazy hot all around the house leave you sore the next day sex. A decade and a half later - not so much.

 

I had always been the one with a higher sex drive, I am the one SEX is more important to. But over time in our relationship, our sex life wained. I am I the reason why it did? I don't know....

 

But accidentally meeting someone who I had ridiculous chemistry with, who wanted some raunchy hot sex as well.... Lead me to cheating.

 

I really don't think I would have gone there when I was getting F'ed like an animal on a regular. I had PLENTY of opportunity back back then, but had zero "need".

 

For me at least, yes, cheating filled a hole.

[DKT3]

So you think people are totally satisfied, have what they want and need in their relationship, and cheat "just because"?

 

For me at least, we used to have sex daily. Crazy hot all around the house leave you sore the next day sex. A decade and a half later - not so much.

 

I had always been the one with a higher sex drive, I am the one SEX is more important to. But over time in our relationship, our sex life wained. I am I the reason why it did? I don't know....

 

But accidentally meeting someone who I had ridiculous chemistry with, who wanted some raunchy hot sex as well.... Lead me to cheating.

 

I really don't think I would have gone there when I was getting F'ed like an animal on a regular. I had PLENTY of opportunity back back then, but had zero "need".

 

For me at least, yes, cheating filled a hole.

I'm going to call this one. You said your sexlife since has been off the charts, yet you are still open to and flirting with cheating.

 

So, yes I do believe that many if not most do cheat in happy relationships, because they are entitled and selfish. You simply found a guy you wanted to f*ck and did it. And was able to do so with no guilt and/or remorse. You have throughout talked about your SO past affair in direct relation to yours, you talked about his manhood not being enough and you talked about the lack of sex he was willing to have...you are in fact blaming him for your screwing around. Sadly, you don't even see it.

 

PS, no one can be all things you need in any relationship ever. Even thinking so is immature and selfish.

Edited August 22, 2015 by DKT3

[GoldieLox]

My BS contributed to problems in the relationship, just like any normal one. Where it deviated from normal is me having s%#tty coping skills and cheating. The cheating is all on me, period. There's always the option to walk away.

[road]

So you think people are totally satisfied, have what they want and need in their relationship, and cheat "just because"?

 

For me at least, we used to have sex daily. Crazy hot all around the house leave you sore the next day sex. A decade and a half later - not so much.

 

I had always been the one with a higher sex drive, I am the one SEX is more important to. But over time in our relationship, our sex life wained. I am I the reason why it did? I don't know....

 

But accidentally meeting someone who I had ridiculous chemistry with, who wanted some raunchy hot sex as well.... Lead me to cheating.

 

I really don't think I would have gone there when I was getting F'ed like an animal on a regular. I had PLENTY of opportunity back back then, but had zero "need".

 

For me at least, yes, cheating filled a hole.

 

 

 

 

No having a need missing in a marriage is not justification to cheat.

 

 

The only justification is to work on that problem instead of having an affair. If unable to fix that problem you either stay married and not have an affair.

 

 

Or divorce your husband before you make him a BH.

 

 

There is the right way and the wrong way to do things. Hint help in choosing the right way to do things is to pick the way that has honor.

[Popsicle]

It does no good to the marriage for either spouse to deny that problems exist. Whether those problems were the cause of an A or not is irrelevant.

[autumnnight]

For a problem marriage, it could be argued that not only is cheating still wrong (and it is), it just prolongs and exacerbates the problems. It clouds the WS' view of the marriage, postpones or replaces working on the marriage, and when D-Day happens, it pretty much eclipses any problems that might have been in the marriage prior. Then ,if reconciliation is attempted, both the BS and WS can get a false sense of a fixed marriage with all the emotion, talking, and hysterical bounding, only to realize years later it is the same crappy marriage.

 

Wouldn't it just be better to fix or end the marriage instead of adding all that extra time and heartache for basically nothing?

[Robert Z]

PS, no one can be all things you need in any relationship ever. Even thinking so is immature and selfish.

 

So then what is the point in committing to a relationship?

[elaine567]

For a problem marriage, it could be argued that not only is cheating still wrong (and it is), it just prolongs and exacerbates the problems. It clouds the WS' view of the marriage, postpones or replaces working on the marriage, and when D-Day happens, it pretty much eclipses any problems that might have been in the marriage prior. Then ,if reconciliation is attempted, both the BS and WS can get a false sense of a fixed marriage with all the emotion, talking, and hysterical bounding, only to realize years later it is the same crappy marriage.

 

Wouldn't it just be better to fix or end the marriage instead of adding all that extra time and heartache for basically nothing?

 

I agree, to me reconciliation appears mostly pointless.

 

MM come on here still in love with the OW, but trying to reconcile with wives they shut off from years ago. Uninspiring sex, little recognisable "love" and it seems, they are merely "going through the motions." and "doing the right thing."

 

WWs trying to reconcile with H's they never really felt a lot of passion for, or with Hs they emotionally disconnected from years ago, too. So guilty, so remorseful and pledge to be "Oh so subservient" for life, is that really a great marriage?

 

BSs who have triggers about just about everything, trying vainly to get that image of their love sleeping with and having great fun times with the OW/OM out of their mind. Betrayed, angry, upset but yet so "in love" with the cheater, but what do they actually love about them?

 

All apparently desperate to cling on to their own version of what also seems to me, to be "crappy" marriages.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It does no good to the marriage for either spouse to deny that problems exist. Whether those problems were the cause of an A or not is irrelevant.

 

Let's be real...relationships take work. Life has many, many challenges...for EVERYONE. It is how we handle those challenges that show our inner heart, soul, moral code, integrity.

 

Poor coping skills "cause" affairs....not any problems within a relationship.

 

So it is relevant if one is faced with a spouse who at their core has such poor coping skills that one will be faced with perpetual poor coping skill choices by the other person.

[2.50 a gallon]

After the break up of my marriage, I had sex with several married women. In each and every case, it was the husband who had a hand in guiding them to my bedroom

[AlwaysGrowing]

After the break up of my marriage, I had sex with several married women. In each and every case, it was the husband who had a hand in guiding them to my bedroom

 

Pretty sure it was your XW....XH that had the hand in guiding them into your bedroom.

Edited August 22, 2015 by AlwaysGrowing

[WomenWubber]

So then what is the point in committing to a relationship?

 

For me it is getting whatever I want from it.

[still_an_Angel]

I was in R stage when my A started. Did my stbxh have a hand in my decision to engage in the A? No, that was purely my choice, I own that. What he did have a hand in was pushing me out of our own marriage.

[truncated]

For me it is getting whatever I want from it.

 

 

No one person can be everything, and it's really unfair to expect that they can be ( or should be).

 

Some people expect their spouse to fill in the blanks of what they feel is missing in them, and some want their spouse to be their exact match, always interested in what they are, etc.

 

I once heard it said that a good marriage is one where neither feels incomplete and is looking for someone to fill in their empty spaces.

[cocorico]

In some of the posts on this site that deal with infidelity, there is an undercurrent of if the bs had only been a better spouse, the affair would not have happened.

 

If you are a former ws who has had time and distance to consider your choices and actions, what was the reason you cheated? Was there anything your spouses did/ didn't do that you think could have have made a difference in how you acted?

 

I was musing on this wrt to my H's xW. He was a loyal and faithful H for 30-odd years, until the last straw broke the camel's back. So I was wondering whether our R would still have happened if she hadn't:

 

* treated him, his kids and his family so badly for so long, alienating everyone;

* physically attacked him in front of the kids and then stormed off, traumatising the kids deeply;

* begged him to take her back after a year - if they'd stayed broken up, he would most likely have simply started another R and wouldn't have been available for an A;

* broken all the promises she made when he agreed to take her back - being a better person, going to MC, etc...

 

...and in all honesty, I'm sure he would not have been vulnerable to an A without that "perfect storm", as he'd had plenty of opportunities before and never even considered them. So perhaps I ought to send her a thank-you card

[Lady2163]

I'm really hesitant to venture outside of the OW forum to add my two cents, but here goes:

 

I was married and I was miserable. There were a couple of times I could have had an affair. The men were kind to me, spent time with me (think lunch at work or group functions) and we often had common interests. They listened to me.

 

My exH was not very talkative, was lazy in and out of the bedroom. He never planned a date or a vacation after I agreed to marry him. He never asked me how my day was. He was neglectful.

 

Had he been like that while we were dating, we never would have made it to,the fourth or fifth date.

 

So I would have been prime picking for someone who chases after married women, if I had had the time.

 

Conversely the more neglected I felt, the more like mommy rather than wife role I was cornered into, the less interested I was in having sex with him. We never had children, he just quit being an adult in the house.

 

So he was sexually deprived (by my choice) and I was emotionally deprived and physically exhausted from having two jobs, housework, yard work and life details so my Prince could watch the History Channel 40 hours a week. We had money trouble and it never crossed his mind that since I had two jobs, maybe he should as well.

 

Again, if it had been like this when we were dating, the marriage wouldn't have happened. So, we both changed. But I would say I was more a reactionary change that a catalyst.

 

So, I do believe in some instances a BS can be a factor in causing an affair. Relationships do take constant work. People get tired, people get overbooked, people put themselves first - for too long or Church, hobbies and kid activities cut into couple time. We are human.

 

I'll tell you another reason I believe a spouse can be a factor. If spouses aren't a factor more than we (or they) want to believe, there's an awful lot of sociopaths out there in the world...

[SolG]

Okay, each time this comes up I try a new analogy. So here's today's...

 

There is a sometimes subtle, but important distinction between responsibility for setting the preconditions from which an action is possible or even probable, and responsibility for the action itself.

 

At the end of WWI, the allies set about instituting a program of treaties and reparation actions that fundamentally changed the face of Europe. Germany in particular which had already suffered massive losses in the war itself, was further dessimated through loss of territory and crippling economic penalties. Not to mention the effect of sole responsibility on the national psyche.

 

It was these preconditions that set exactly the right context (poverty, discontent, rage, nationalism) from which a leader with an aggressive nationalistic socialist agenda could spring forth. And not just emerge, but galvanise a nation to retaliate against a world that had subjected them to the Diktat. Who could with the right measure of charisma and propaganda make a population largely supportive of his regime regardless of its evil.

 

If you use the argument that setting the preconditions makes one culpable as well for all actions arising from them... Well, then the Allies are just as responsible as Hitler for the Holocaust.

 

I think we can all see the flaw in that logic :/

 

Extreme example, but the principles are the same. A H/W may do all manner of things that contribute (along with their spouse) to making a M less than it should be. This does not make them responsible for the ultimate actions of their spouse.

[minimariah]

In some of the posts on this site that deal with infidelity, there is an undercurrent of if the bs had only been a better spouse, the affair would not have happened.

 

If you are a former ws who has had time and distance to consider your choices and actions, what was the reason you cheated? Was there anything your spouses did/ didn't do that you think could have have made a difference in how you acted?

 

 

in many situations - this is true.

 

just to make one thing clear -- both spouses are usually responsible for the problems in the marriage that had eventually led to an affair.

 

the affair is the cheater & only the cheater's responsibility - because the spouses decide on their own which way they'll choose to deal with the problems in their marriage.

 

when i first arrived on LS - i was surprised because many posters rejected the idea that an affair is, in fact, a consequence of a bad & an unhappy marriage. i'll dare to say that in MOST cases - folks cheat because they aren't getting something they need from the marriage & their spouse (+ it being a character flaw & a bad coping mechanism). sure, the affair can be the consequence of a mental illness and midlife crisis ALSO but... in my personal experience, those cases are rare.

 

so yeah - in my opinion... there absolutely are many situations where the A or eventual divorce wouldn't have happened if the BS was a "better" spouse.

 

that's not victim blaming or an endless blaming game... it's just how it is. for example - if my friend Marie payed attention to her husband when he complained and asked for more time together, more sex and some marriage counseling... the A & marriage failure wouldn't have hapened.

 

if you want to be specific about the A as an character flaw - then yeah, it turns into an endless blame game.