"Where is this going?"

[Girlwithquestions]

Hi all,

 

Met a guy online a month ago, we haven't met yet. We will in a few weeks. He's previously divorced, I'm not sure how long ago(maybe a year or two). He hasn't told me the story yet. When we talk, it's fun and flirty. But he is not very regular with contact. I might not hear from him for several days(especially if he's busy). And then sometimes we will talk for hours every night. We are in our 30s. One night, he told me he's kinda in a phase in life where he is in a rebellious phase but he's also not in the stage in life where he can just rebel. I assume he meant he can't just play and know he is at the age where he should settle. My question is, should I wait it out and how long? Or bc he's not showing constant interest early on, I should drop it? How long do you talk to a guy before you wanna see where something is going or at least expect regular contact? I've been in stages in my life where I was glad someone took things slow with me so I could grow to like them because I wasn't ready. So I don't know if that's the case here. But I also don't want to be strung along and waste my time with an unavailable guy.

 

I'm afraid having this serious talk so soon will scare anyone off so early. So how long is a good time before you can bring this up?

[Toodaloo]

You have been talking a month and not met?

 

Really?

 

This guy is dating others for sure and keeping you on a back burner.

[Girlwithquestions]

Sorry let me clarify, we live in different cities. Before I get the spiel of dating long distance, please understand my culture is a semi arranged thing where we don't traditionally date. So meeting long distance is kind of the norm for us. Talk for a while, meet a handful of times and then decide if you want to get serious. But things are changing in this day and age, so I don't know what's normal anymore, hence I ask you all thanks!

[Toodaloo]

To be perfectly blunt nothing is "normal" when it comes to dating any more...

 

I think you should not worry about it until you actually meet.

 

At the moment you are nothing more than pen pals. Actually meeting a person is weird after you have been talking to them for ages. Sometimes you click and sometimes you don't.

 

Keep an open mind until the day you actually meet.

[ExpatInItaly]

Considering the cultural norms you referenced before, I would see how it goes when you meet. For me, a month would be too long but your case may be okay since the context is different.

 

I get the sense that his rebellious phase means he wants to date around and explore, but not sure if he can realistically do that. I'm not sure what he means by that.

 

Have you two established the date when you will meet? If not, do so.

[smackie9]

You live in different cities? He is just your internet pen pal. Ditch this dude.

 

If they don't ask you out after the second message, move on. With OLD you need to quickly move on, and keep your options open at all times.

[Redhead14]

Hi all,

 

Met a guy online a month ago, we haven't met yet. We will in a few weeks. He's previously divorced, I'm not sure how long ago(maybe a year or two). He hasn't told me the story yet. When we talk, it's fun and flirty. But he is not very regular with contact. I might not hear from him for several days(especially if he's busy). And then sometimes we will talk for hours every night. We are in our 30s. One night, he told me he's kinda in a phase in life where he is in a rebellious phase but he's also not in the stage in life where he can just rebel. I assume he meant he can't just play and know he is at the age where he should settle. My question is, should I wait it out and how long? Or bc he's not showing constant interest early on, I should drop it? How long do you talk to a guy before you wanna see where something is going or at least expect regular contact? I've been in stages in my life where I was glad someone took things slow with me so I could grow to like them because I wasn't ready. So I don't know if that's the case here. But I also don't want to be strung along and waste my time with an unavailable guy.

 

I'm afraid having this serious talk so soon will scare anyone off so early. So how long is a good time before you can bring this up?

 

 

There is nothing wrong with making sure that a new potential dating partner and you are on the same page in terms of dating goals. This is something that is perfectly OK to talk about in a casual way early on.

You just say something like "I'm hoping to find someone with whom I can explore the possibility of having a long-term relationship for myself". And, the let them tell you what they want for themselves. It doesn't mean it will be each other at that point, just overall goal.

 

In fact, you could just do this when chatting online with him. Make a statement about what you want for yourself. And, even if he says he wants that too and you do meet and date, you observe how he dates you.

 

It's an online thing still. Why would he show constant interest? Don't apply "real life" rules to virtual setting. If you want to meet him, say so. Say something like "I've enjoyed chatting online with you, you sound like an interesting fellow. Why don't we meet for coffee or drinks on Xday, at Xtime for a short in person meeting. There's nothing to lose. If nothing else, it will be two nice people chatting."

[d0nnivain]

Before you added in the cultural thing, by Western standards I was going to tell you it's going no where. With the cultural wrinkle, I'm not sure. But I'd judge it more by actions then words. Don't ask. Don't talk it to death in or worse before an early meeting. Meet him. See if you click IRL. Date for a while. If dating isn't at your pace or to your liking you end it. He doesn't get to control everything. For now, assume it's not going to get off the ground & act accordingly but don't talk about it.

[Girlwithquestions]

Before you added in the cultural thing, by Western standards I was going to tell you it's going no where. With the cultural wrinkle, I'm not sure. But I'd judge it more by actions then words. Don't ask. Don't talk it to death in or worse before an early meeting. Meet him. See if you click IRL. Date for a while. If dating isn't at your pace or to your liking you end it. He doesn't get to control everything. For now, assume it's not going to get off the ground & act accordingly but don't talk about it.

 

 

This is some solid advice. Thank you so much everyone for the advice. My gues is he's not super serious, especially being long distance and being in a monogamous relationship/marriage for so long that ended in a divorce. So I think he doesn't entirely know what he wants either. He's just trying this out. So I guess I'll just wait till I meet him and see how it goes. And go from there. I just didnt want things to drag out for months before I realized I was wasting my time. But it also has taken me months to fall for a guy when I wasn't ready too. So that was my dilemma, because I wanted to offer people the same courtesy and kindness I was offered. Thank you so much ^^

[Girlwithquestions]

And yes we do have a date of when we will meet. Both of us happen to be attending an event in a few weeks, so we will meet there.

[Toodaloo]

And yes we do have a date of when we will meet. Both of us happen to be attending an event in a few weeks, so we will meet there.

 

See what happens. But like I said expect nothing. When you meet it could be fireworks that fizzle. It could be fireworks that last. It could be fizzled already and not happen at all. One of you might fancy the other but it not be reciprocated... Anything can happen.

 

Keep your expectations low. Very low. then if the best happens it will be wonderful and if the worst happens its not so bad.