lela24 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Hi guys, I'm a girl 24 years old and one year ago me and my girl best friend from 6 years became a couple. We are deeply in love, we miss each other all the time, we love each other very much, we have great communication and we do everything together. The problem is that my girlfriend has a best friend from high school, with whom they are deeply connected and have great chemistry, they love each other and do all the girl stuff like pranks on each ohter, stuff like that, they even have their own humor code, which I don't always follow. Last year me and my girlfriend would hang out with this girl almost three times a week, we would all three talk on facebook, we would make many jokes and generally we had a good thing going on there. When this girl learnt about us, she became a completely different person. She was distant, she would no longer go out with us often and she would complain on the phone to my girlfriend that my girlfriend doesn't want her anymore as her friend and that now she pays attention only to me. This girl has always been attached to my girlfriend, cause she suffers from emotional insecurities and problems and she has told her that she feels totally dependant on her, that she cannot live without her and that she loves her very much. My girlfriend loves her back very much and she keeps on forgiving her, whatever she might say or do. This girl has become distant towards me too, she talks to me but she is not like last year, when she would even hug me and share many jokes with me. The problem is that I just cannot stand my girlfriend loving this girl so much. I mean, we all go out together, they don't have time for the two of them, but everytime they talk on the phone or go shopping or go out alone on rare occasions without me, I am jealous like hell. It's because I believe this girl loves my girlfriend more than normal. I believe she likes likes her all these years and this is something I don't feel comfortable with, especially when my girlfriend thinks of her so favourably. I have discussed the situation with my girlfriend and she keeps telling me that she cannot ignore such a friend cause they have chemistry and she loves her, that she understands my jealousy but cannot do anything about it. So right now I feel I'm all alone in this. Also, although this girl knows that we are a couple she keeps telling my girlfriend about men but in a provocative way like do you like this guy isn't he super hot? she would do great sex! She even told her in front of me that my girlfriend likes penises and she is addicted to men ( my girlfriend and I are bisexuals). What is more, when we are all together with our other friends too, she keeps on touching my girlfriend and trying to catch her attention, even though she can sense that I don't feel comfortable with it. Of course, my girlfriend is very supportive of her, cause she says they have always been like that all these years they know each other. Ok, this was long but I feel such a burden in my heart, I cannot deal with it anymore, I was the one telling my girlfriend that it is very important that she has a special friend like this but I can't help but feeling terrible what can I do? I'm thinking of visiting a therapist cause I cannot handle it anymore!
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Visiting a therapist is probably a good idea. Just to clarify, all 3 of you are women. You had known your GF for 6 years before you became a couple. Her friend is from HS. Is the friend also gay or bisexual? Do you think that even if she's straight she's jealous because you & her friend/ your GF share something that the 2 of them don't. You can't demand that your GF give up her friend but you could ask that your GF be more supportive of your romance when talking to her HS friend.
Author lela24 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Visiting a therapist is probably a good idea. Just to clarify, all 3 of you are women. You had known your GF for 6 years before you became a couple. Her friend is from HS. Is the friend also gay or bisexual? Do you think that even if she's straight she's jealous because you & her friend/ your GF share something that the 2 of them don't. You can't demand that your GF give up her friend but you could ask that your GF be more supportive of your romance when talking to her HS friend. hi, thanks for your reply! yes exactly. I really don't know, neither does my gf, whether this girl is gay or bisexual. She has stated some times that she would like to have sex with both sexes ( she is a virgin and never had a relationship although she has had some offers) and we both believe she could easily be bisexual at least, but we don't know for sure, she doesn't say alot about her sexuality. It really bothers me when I see her attached to my gf in front of me, it just makes me sooooooo uncomfortable cause she already knows about us and she knows I feel bad when she asks my gf all these men questions in front of me or touches her. It is really irritating and I really feel it affects my relationship, cause we see this girl twice a week or something like that and I cannot just let it pass when we see each other with this frequency! and my gf doesn't want to hurt her that is why she never mentions our relationship to her, she just wants her to feel perfectly. So no support from my gf on this matter, she just tells me she can understand how I feel. My appetite is declining cause my mood is terrible all day and I already have lost some pounds! The thing is that the situation is take it or leave it , my gf says she understands me but does nothing cause she loves her so much and she is her best friend. What hurts me the most is my gf's lack of support , not so much the fact that they are so close, after all I cannot do anything about that...I wish she could be a little more supportive , every time I mention this to her, we end up fighting. I don't know anymore, it has really a bad effect on me. My gf even told me she will miss her so much next year, when we will be abroad for a year for our Master's. I just cannot stand hearing about her anymore, it makes me depressed!
salparadise Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Tough situation indeed. My feeling is that your gf should be more proactive in managing this, even if she's not willing to distance from her friend. Your girlfriend is in the catbird seat and doesn't seem to be very empathetic to your position as the odd one out. Basically this is a triangle even if the two them aren't sexual, and it definitely affects your relationship with your gf. She should not be acting like it's simply not her problem. If it was a heterosexual relationship I (as a man) would not be happy about my gf having an extremely close, intimate relationship with another man... but I guess there is not an exact parallel when all three of you are the same sex, and if you're both bi then either gender would be potentially threatening. If you gf was smart about it she would enforce some boundaries and try to make sure it doesn't feel threatening to you, and she could easily project the attitude that you come first, which would be both reassuring to you and send the message to the other girl that you are always first priority. But since she's not doing this my guess is that on sone level she enjoys being at the center of this little drama and having the two of you in competition. I might be inclined to shake up the status quo a bit... do you have some other female friends you could start spending time and doing things with?
Author lela24 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Tough situation indeed. My feeling is that your gf should be more proactive in managing this, even if she's not willing to distance from her friend. Your girlfriend is in the catbird seat and doesn't seem to be very empathetic to your position as the odd one out. Basically this is a triangle even if the two them aren't sexual, and it definitely affects your relationship with your gf. She should not be acting like it's simply not her problem. If it was a heterosexual relationship I (as a man) would not be happy about my gf having an extremely close, intimate relationship with another man... but I guess there is not an exact parallel when all three of you are the same sex, and if you're both bi then either gender would be potentially threatening. If you gf was smart about it she would enforce some boundaries and try to make sure it doesn't feel threatening to you, and she could easily project the attitude that you come first, which would be both reassuring to you and send the message to the other girl that you are always first priority. But since she's not doing this my guess is that on sone level she enjoys being at the center of this little drama and having the two of you in competition. I might be inclined to shake up the status quo a bit... do you have some other female friends you could start spending time and doing things with? you got it right, buddy. I also told her to enforce some boundaries (those were my words exactly) and she told me okay, what do you want me to do then? and I have nothing to reply to her when she tells me this! cause I really don't know the answer to this question, what are boundaries exactly when it comes to interpersonal relationships? She has explained to her that I will always be her first priority but she always avoids talking about our status to her, cause she doesn't want to hurt her. Of course, this hurts my feelings but I just cannot come up with a solution for her to implement. It is really disappointing, I wish she could be a little more strict with her, cause she is way too lenient with her and she tells me she loves her and she sees her like her sister. Everytime I tell her she is a possible rival, cause you never know who you fall in love with, she tells me this is impossible cause she doesn't feel this way about her and cannot see her differently. Everytime we talk about this I feel we have this chasm in our communication, we fail to agree on this matter. Plus, I don't have any close female friend to spend some time with, cause all my other female friends are mutual friends and not my friends exclusively. I wish I had a female friend for myself, I used to in the past, but when I got to college I had my gf as my best friend and I joined her freshly made social circle ( they are now our mutual friends). Anyway, it is really confusing , I will see a therapist that is for sure, but I don't know if I can handle it for much longer, it really kills me every time!
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