YellowPetal Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago, and 2 months ago I found out he cheated on me while we were still together and that the whole relationship was one huge lie. As soon as I found out what he did, everything I felt for him simply disappeared forever. I felt like something inside of me broke. It's hard to explain. At the beginning, I went through the usual ordeal: throwing up, insomnia, nightmares, losing weight, depression. Now I feel much better in the sense that all the physical pain is gone. I don't feel any love for my ex. I don't miss him at all, and I hope I never see him again. The place inside of me that used to be full of love is full of darkness and hatred. I threw his stuff out, and blocked him everywhere. I feel like I am over him, but I am not over what he did. Is that weird? I feel awful because I never realized what kind of person he is until we broke up. I feel disgusted with myself because I fought so hard for someone who lied to me and used me. Why wasn't I able to see him for who he really is until it was too late? I hate him and I hate myself. I hate myself because I worked so hard to understand him and to make the relationship work. I hate him because he saw I loved him, and decided to use that love to his own advantage instead of respecting me. He strung me along until he found someone that suited him better. Even if he never loved me, he owed me some consideration. I don't find it's normal to live with someone and have a joint account if you don't see a future with that person. I don't feel it's normal to say to your ex you still love them and are not sure about breaking up with them while sleeping with someone else. I feel so full of this terrible rage that never leaves my life, not even for a second. I feel like a zombie: I walk, talk, laugh...but I don't feel any of it. I even stopped talking about him with my friends hoping the feelings will go away if I never mention them. All my life I tried to free myself of negative feelings and I made a promise to myself I will never hate anyone. How can I move past these negative feelings? All this hatred is so damaging and is preventing me from enjoying my life. I don't want to waste more time living in the past, but every day is so full of thoughts of hatred for my ex. Do these feelings go away eventually?
Thegreatfrazzle Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 You have every right to hate him! He cheated on you for gods sake. He abused your trust and the reason you feel hurt is because you are a much better person than he is, because for you, cheating is out of the question. Soon you will realise how lucky you are to not be with him anymore. Although my ex didn't cheat on me, she did move on very quickly, so I can somewhat relate to how you feel in regards to how little you meant to him. Although hate isn't good, because it is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to be affected by it, do not for one second believe that you are in the wrong. Hate is natural, he really did a number on you, but soon you will realise how worthless he is, to a degree that even your subconscious mind won't even waste time thinking about how much of a d0uche he is. You will forget about this and move on. In fact, my break up taught me more about myself than anything else has in my life. Think of it like an injury. The break up was like a cut, very painful, but then you found out he cheated, which opened the wound and made it worse. You then realise that you don't want anything to do with him ever again and move on with your life, so the wound starts to heal. However right now you are left with a massive scar which still hurts and makes you angry, however in time you treat that scar like a war wound, realising that you will never be blindsided by this sort of thing ever again, and that if you can overcome what you went through, you can overcome anything. One of life's tough lessons I suppose.
aloneinaz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 While it's normal and healthy to go thru all the emotional stages or a break up, you have to be mindful to not give them too much power. You're clearly obsessively angry, bitter and are carry hatred for this ex that's probably justified. Understand by doing that and walking around feeling the way you do, it's having a very negative effect on your health. There are not many people who haven't had a crappy experience from a relationship. Whether they were dumped, cheated on, abused emotionally or physically, etc.. It sucks but it's life and we have to roll w/the ups and downs life throws our way. IMOP, you'll feel MUCH better about yourself and your life if you choose to forgive not only you but him as well. Harboring all that anger and hatred will only hold you back from your happiness and moving on. I've learned this the hard way. I've changed my mindset. My last ex was a BPD suffering, nightmare who I allowed to treat me like crap for far too long. After a month or two, I forgave myself for allowing it and let go of my anger towards her and how she treated me. I can't explain how much better I felt once I did that. 1
BriNyc82 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 You should be angry. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't. You're angry because you cared. The anger stage is one of he grieving stages. But I do agree that it's not healthy to get stuck in this phase for too long. Sometimes anger can be good. I've channelled my anger into working out and journaling. And treating myself! Focusing on my job. Yoga. Bettering myself. Yes this feeling will go away. There will come a time when he will enter your mind and you won't start cussing him out in your head. You will acknowledge the thought and it will leave. I'm still working on this myself. You're not alone xo
Author YellowPetal Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your kind words. I tried explaining my feelings to my friends and family, but I don't think they understand me at all. Coming here and reading about other people's experiences really taught me a lot. In a way, it helps me move on and understand I am not alone. I don't know. I felt like I was doing so well, but all of a sudden all my feelings of anger and hatred for my ex came back to haunt me. Unfortunately, we're in the same graduate program and I'll see him soon. Maybe I'll be forced to work with him on a project as well. He didn't even think about the fact we're in same program and that we have same friends when he decided to cheat on me. At least, most of our friends don't even talk to him anymore, and they even deleted him off of facebook for what he did to me. It's going to be so awkward and painful. I'm really afraid I'll do or say something I'll regret when I see him again. I want to ignore him completely and act like he doesn't exist, but I don't know if I'll be strong enough for that. I guess I just need more time to get over these feelings. Thank you everyone.
BriNyc82 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 That sucks you will have to see him. A lot of my friends don't understand either. They are like "get over it. This guy is an a hole and never deserved you!" I know I know. But still. It's hard! At least everyone seems to have issues with this guy, not just you. The feelings of anger will subside over time. I still get floods of anger sometimes. Then clarity. Then sadness. Then anger. It's just how it goes. Just be sure to keep them in check when he's around. Although he probably deserves a good kick in the junk you never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have.
Mondmellonw Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 YellowPetal, your feelings are all normal and healthy. I don't think that if someone tried to steal your money you would be hopeful that they will, someday, remember you and steal your money for real... lol What I'm trying to say is that, yes, your feelings are normal, he doesn't deserve to be loved by someone who was loyal to him. The hatred will eventually turn into indifference, that I promise. Good luck!
nellbell86 Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Yellowpetal I know exactly what you are feeling as I am going through pretty much the same thing as well! My bf of 7 months broke up with me out of nowhere 2 months ago, since then he has been a completely different, nasty person, told me he hadn't been happy for months, yet all along while we were together had been telling me I was The One, how he couldn't live without me, started talking about moving in, etc. I just dont get why he did that if he was so 'unhappy'. I have also just found out that he was cheating on me, and that the first night we had met, when I thought he was single, turns out he was still with his ex and cheated on her, with me!! I feel sick knowing that now and seems like he was just full of lies from day one. I hate him for knowing how much i loved him, i gave everything i could to him, and for being this completely fake person all along. But at the same time i cant switch off the love i had for him as well, it is a really sucky feeling! all i can think to try and get me through it is that im lucky i dont have that fake, poisonous person in my life anymore, that the man i loved really didnt exist and this is the real him and i dont love this real him at all, and try to let go of the man i thought he was. Feeling hatred toward them is good as the others have said its a part of the grieving process, just dont let it consume you for too long, hate him, yell, scream, cry, and let it go and be glad that you arent as low as them to treat a partner that way, and have faith that now you are free from his deceit and lies, you can find someone who is truly worthy of the greatness that you can offer!
Author YellowPetal Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 I have also just found out that he was cheating on me, and that the first night we had met, when I thought he was single, turns out he was still with his ex and cheated on her, with me!! I feel sick knowing that now and seems like he was just full of lies from day one. I hate him for knowing how much i loved him, i gave everything i could to him, and for being this completely fake person all along. That's awful. Funny how we find out who they really are after the relationship is over and after the damage is done. I also found out, after we broke up, that my ex left a 3 year old relationship to be with someone else 5 years ago. I am pretty sure he was with someone else at the beginning at our relationship, too. He never told me any of these things. Now, he's with the person he cheated on me with. I don't think she knows, just like I didn't, that we were still together when they started dating. It grosses me out thinking about how he kept telling me he loved and how he wasn't sure about the break-up, and he was sleeping with someone else and bringing her to our house while I was at work. That's what angers me the most, him crying for hours, telling me how he loved me and lying how he was in so much pain because we couldn't be together anymore. Disgusting.
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