Lucychops Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I've just started seeing a lovely guy who broke up with a long-term girlfriend several months ago. Anyway, we went on a couple of dates before we had a chat about whether he's ready move on; he was completely upfront about it and said maybe he needed a bit of time. Basically, he's going to Europe for a few weeks and I know he wants to be single during this time. He says that after he gets back he really wants to pursue something with me. I know this sounds like bullsh*t, but he's honestly a nice guy, and we've had the opportunity to sleep together, but he says he wants to wait until he's back and we can really start something; that he wants it to be special. The thing is, I like him so much and it's driving me crazy that he's going to be hooking up with girls in Europe, even though I'm trying to be cool about it. Is he being a complete douche? Should I just move on, or give him a chance to blow off some steam? If he really liked me, would he WANT to be shagging around - or should I give him a break, and the time he needs, as he's just come out of a long-term relationship? I'm so confused.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Give him the time. Do you have good reason to believe he's going to be hooking up with girls in Europe? He probably just doesn't want to feel attached and given "he's just come out of a long-term relationship" that's very reasonable. *lights cigar* 6
CollegeKid101 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Lucy, You were a rebound. You gave him what he wanted and now he's going to have fun in Europe and sleep with countless girls. I'm sorry for being blunt. I really don't mean to be. Move on, he probably does like you, but why would you want to be with a guy who wants to sleep with a ton of girls and THEN pursue a relationship with you?! I'm in college and last year dated a girl both semesters who I knew was going to transfer to my school the second part of the year, I didn't ask for a hall pass till she got there! Just my two cents. Unless you're cool with it, which you're not, cut the cord and move on.
Popsicle Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I would give him the time. I would also date other people while he's away. When he gets back, maybe things will resume, maybe not, but I would just wait until then. 6
neowulf Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I've just started seeing a lovely guy who broke up with a long-term girlfriend several months ago. Anyway, we went on a couple of dates before we had a chat about whether he's ready move on; he was completely upfront about it and said maybe he needed a bit of time. Basically, he's going to Europe for a few weeks and I know he wants to be single during this time. He says that after he gets back he really wants to pursue something with me. I know this sounds like bullsh*t, but he's honestly a nice guy, and we've had the opportunity to sleep together, but he says he wants to wait until he's back and we can really start something; that he wants it to be special. The thing is, I like him so much and it's driving me crazy that he's going to be hooking up with girls in Europe, even though I'm trying to be cool about it. Is he being a complete douche? Should I just move on, or give him a chance to blow off some steam? If he really liked me, would he WANT to be shagging around - or should I give him a break, and the time he needs, as he's just come out of a long-term relationship? I'm so confused. Ok, a couple of thoughts. 1. You are most likely a rebound for him. He's fresh out of a previous long term relationship and doesn't appear to be remotely interested in jumping back into one. 2. He's not displaying a whole lot of "buying" behaviour. He's basically trying to turn you into an "option". Sure, he'll shag you when he gets back, once he's done having his fun. But he's not going to promise you anything in the mean time. So yes, harsh truth, you're most likely a "pleasant distraction" for him. Now, maybe he's that for you. If that's the case, have at it. You just seem to be wanting more than he can (or wants) to give at this point. 1
mrldii Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I agree with Jacob...give him the time. AND take him up on his generous offer of YOU, too, are single while he's away. Whether you feel like it or not. DON'T be available every time he calls (if he calls). DON'T immediately respond to his texts. HE doesn't have to know that you're simply out with your girlfriends, crying over missing him or sitting on your sofa, biting the pillow in between bites of pints of Ben & Jerry's Double Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream. Just like YOU won't know that he's striking out with every chick in every bar all across Europe because he's simply a "dirty American" who's there to bang everything that's not bolted down. Let him wonder, just like you'll be wondering. Personally, I think it was pretty cool of him TO be upfront and honest about AND to extend the same *freedom* to you; from what I've read, many men would have lied to you hoping to keep you on a string, while they traipse around sowing their wild oats. Best of luck to you...I hope everything works out for the best! 7
Jj66 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 You like each other but the timing isn't right. It happens all the time in life. Go about your business and let him go about his. After he gets back, if he's still interested and you are still available you might get together. But don't wait for him. 6
yxalitis Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 ...biting the pillow in between bites of pints of Ben & Jerry's Double Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream. That's priceless...!
neowulf Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 ... But don't wait for him. Given the way the OP wrote, I suspect she's past the point of being able to distance herself enough for it not to bother her. That's really a recipe for people getting hurt. They tell themselves they're ok with the situation, only to find out they've bene lying to themselves. 1
Arieswoman Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Lucychops, I know this sounds like bullsh*t, That's because it is BS. He's keeping his options open by keeping you on the back burner. This is good advice from Jj66 Go about your business and let him go about his. After he gets back, if he's still interested and you are still available you might get together. But don't wait for him. And whatever you do, don't sit around waiting for him to call, keep your 'phone turned off the minute he gets on a plane. Stay strong.x
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Meh, I wouldn't be interested in dating someone like that at this stage. He's just come out of a LTR and know is off on holiday where he might well hook up with other girls. He's being upfront that he isn't ready to commit. I wouldn't wait around for him. Sorry, but I'd start meeting other guys. 3
Shining One Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 He wants a hall pass!Don't you have to be in a relationship to request a hall pass?I know this sounds like bullsh*t, but he's honestly a nice guy, and we've had the opportunity to sleep together, but he says he wants to wait until he's back and we can really start something; that he wants it to be special.Is he being a complete douche?No. A complete douche would have slept with you when given the opportunity and then told you he wanted to stay single after sleeping with you. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Lucy If he wants to go off with other women then let him. For you though, you want someone committed to you. So here is what I would do. I would give him the hall pass. I would say that it absolutely fine if he wants to go out and be "single" he can do that. But there are consequences. In this instance the consequence is that you are not hanging around. Then just quietly walk away. As soon as you are out of ear shot and he can't see you you can break down, cry and sob. Get it all out of your system eat ice cream, paint your nails then wash your face and remind yourself that life does go on and that if you can feel strongly attached to someone now, then you can do it again... but perhaps one that doesn't want this. In my experience when someone is told "No" they just push harder to do it. I am just as bad. If you say "Yes - go ahead if that is what you want to do but this is what I find acceptable and this is the consequence of you doing that"... the reaction is normally very different.
Justanaverageguy Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Don't you have to be in a relationship to request a hall pass? No. A complete douche would have slept with you when given the opportunity and then told you he wanted to stay single after sleeping with you. I think a complete douche would have slept with her pretended he was going to be faithful and gone off to Europe to shag as many girls as he could without her knowing. Then come back and got some more until maybe he felt like something else. As it stands all he has done is be honest. She wants a committed relationship and hes not ready and was absolutely up front about that. Can't fault the guy - sometimes the planets just don't align when we meet someone we like. The question for the OP is entirely to do with her. What do you want ? If he can't give it to and you are not happy to go with the flow and see what happens then just stop wasting your time and move on. 2
Zagan Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 A hall pass? Disgusting. Enjoy... That seriously cracked me up.
veggirl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 If he's fresh out of a ltr I don't think he'll be ready for a serious relationship when he gets back, "hall pass" or not. I would let this guy go. I don't trust people fresh out of Rs to know what they really want.
PegNosePete Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I would give him the hall pass. I would say that it absolutely fine if he wants to go out and be "single" he can do that. But there are consequences. In this instance the consequence is that you are not hanging around. Then just quietly walk away. Yep, exactly. I would tell him that you're not married, he doesn't need your permission and he's totally free to go and be single. Goodbye!!!
Toodaloo Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I think a complete douche would have slept with her pretended he was going to be faithful and gone off to Europe to shag as many girls as he could without her knowing. Then come back and got some more until maybe he felt like something else. As it stands all he has done is be honest. She wants a committed relationship and hes not ready and was absolutely up front about that. Can't fault the guy - sometimes the planets just don't align when we meet someone we like. The question for the OP is entirely to do with her. What do you want ? If he can't give it to and you are not happy to go with the flow and see what happens then just stop wasting your time and move on. Just because someone is not a douche does not mean that they do not occasionally act like one. I do agree with your sentiment though.
PogoStick Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I can understand the man's POV and don't see it as a big deal. He has a major breakup then decides on a Euro vacation to have fun; which includes playing with some women. Random hookups during vacation are pretty common and women do it just as often. So he's had this vacation planned for a while and is excited about it. Then he meets the OP. He likes her but the trip was in motion before she came into the picture. He could have easily just had his fun and never told her. Lastly, I assume both have had many previous sex partners. What does 1 or 2 more matter? Is it really any different than people multi-dating and being involved with several people in the early stages of a relationship?
mystikmind2005 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I believe the way to deal with a rebound situation is to focus on building the friendship side of things more so than the romantic side. Don't try to 'own' them with exclusivity, you have to let them come to that in their own time, and yes, take it slow. But also don't starve the romantic side. hope this helps?
Redhead14 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I've just started seeing a lovely guy who broke up with a long-term girlfriend several months ago. Anyway, we went on a couple of dates before we had a chat about whether he's ready move on; he was completely upfront about it and said maybe he needed a bit of time. Basically, he's going to Europe for a few weeks and I know he wants to be single during this time. He says that after he gets back he really wants to pursue something with me. I know this sounds like bullsh*t, but he's honestly a nice guy, and we've had the opportunity to sleep together, but he says he wants to wait until he's back and we can really start something; that he wants it to be special. The thing is, I like him so much and it's driving me crazy that he's going to be hooking up with girls in Europe, even though I'm trying to be cool about it. Is he being a complete douche? Should I just move on, or give him a chance to blow off some steam? If he really liked me, would he WANT to be shagging around - or should I give him a break, and the time he needs, as he's just come out of a long-term relationship? I'm so confused. You don't give him anything . . . you aren't in a relationship and he can do what ever he wants. You ride this out, live your own life and don't think about him again until he actually calls you again, asks you for a proper date and then observe how he dates you from that point on. Is he being a complete douche? -- No, he was perfectly honest with you. He basically said "hey, I'm going to Europe and I'll probably bang a few other girls, but I want you to wait for me and then I'll get serious with you".
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