love1336x Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I want to start a private journal. It's not a question of "keeping secrets" from my love. When I write, 9 times out of 10, it's because I'm upset and need to work things through in my head. Sometimes, it's not even complete sentences - just thoughts, feelings.. It may not make sense to an onlooker. What I write may not be the whole picture. Only a fraction of what I feel or think. And I shouldn't have to justify it. No one who reads a journal will ever get the whole story. However my beloved doesn't believed... in privacy at all. She has my facebook password, phone, email. She follows me into bathroom, etc, etc. I can't say I am a saint when it came to start of our relationship, so she believes I don't dersved any privacy because what I've done, but I still I feel I am entitled to privacy. It's frustrating and blahh to try to make her understand why I need this journal. (we live together and share a laptop) I feel like started this journal and if she gets upset, she gets upset. :/
cessna Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 My ex kept a diary and whilst I was intrigued by it she didn't want me to read it. I knew she had nothing to hide as she kept it on the bookshelf. In the three years we were together I had hundreds of opportunities to flick through it and have a snoop. I never once did because she asked me not to, I respected her and it was none of my business. Your girlfriend can only have gotten your passwords if you told her what they were. So why did you? I had no desire to ever know any password of my ex and she didn't know any of mine. We had nothing to hide, that's not the point though. 1
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Even though I really want to tell you and go on about how you're dating (living with) a control freak, I won't. As for writing a journal well when you picked to live with a maniac controller, writing a journal are part of the things you will have to forget about.
Empyrea Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I would suffocate to pieces in a relationship like that.. how long are you expected to be punished for your infidelity? I mean, eventually the trust should be re established or really there isn't much point to being together at all, surely. No, a spouse should not be allowed to read your journal unless you say it's okay. Even then, really, THEY should refuse.. But seeing as lack of trust is the issue, even knowing about you having a journal would be too big of a temptation for her probably. Can't you keep a private journal at your workplace or something? Seriously. I hope she only has your passwords but doesn't use them. This is not how a healthy trusting relationship works.
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I would suffocate to pieces in a relationship like that.. how long are you expected to be punished for your infidelity? I mean, eventually the trust should be re established or really there isn't much point to being together at all, surely. No, a spouse should not be allowed to read your journal unless you say it's okay. Even then, really, THEY should refuse.. But seeing as lack of trust is the issue, even knowing about you having a journal would be too big of a temptation for her probably. Can't you keep a private journal at your workplace or something? Seriously. I hope she only has your passwords but doesn't use them. This is not how a healthy trusting relationship works. Buy a small safe. Lock it up. Let her see there is nothing in there but your journal. If this bugs her, see a therapist or leave.
Redhead14 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I want to start a private journal. It's not a question of "keeping secrets" from my love. When I write, 9 times out of 10, it's because I'm upset and need to work things through in my head. Sometimes, it's not even complete sentences - just thoughts, feelings.. It may not make sense to an onlooker. What I write may not be the whole picture. Only a fraction of what I feel or think. And I shouldn't have to justify it. No one who reads a journal will ever get the whole story. However my beloved doesn't believed... in privacy at all. She has my facebook password, phone, email. She follows me into bathroom, etc, etc. I can't say I am a saint when it came to start of our relationship, so she believes I don't dersved any privacy because what I've done, but I still I feel I am entitled to privacy. It's frustrating and blahh to try to make her understand why I need this journal. (we live together and share a laptop) I feel like started this journal and if she gets upset, she gets upset. :/ "Transparency" in a relationship is important, but not to the point where privacy is compromised. It appears that the root of your problem here lies in the fact that the very foundation for a good relationship to exist has been breached -- Trust. Following you into the bathroom is entirely unacceptable under any circumstances though. You can and should start a journal if you wish to and tell her you are doing it and that you would very much appreciate it if she would respect your privacy with it. The fact is, that a journal is personal and there is no outside harm to come from it. What I mean by outside harm is, that it is different from a phone or computer where you can interact with others. So you could not possibly breach trust by doing that. Privacy and trust are different things. Privacy is a right, trust needs to be earned. It may serve some benefit regarding trust between you if you let her know you are keeping one -- that is about transparency and trust building in a small way. If she refuses to respect your privacy and reads or wants to read it, you can keep it somewhere she does not have access to it. This is not like hiding money or other things. You are entitled to things that are just yours.
emerald86 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I keep a journal. There have been so many opportunities for people around me (family, friends, exes) to read it. Yet, I know for a fact that they never did because they all respect my privacy. A few of my best friends keep journals and even when their journals are right in front of me when they're not in the room, I would never even think about opening in it. Because I believe that a journal is the one thing you keep to sort out all of your thoughts. It's private, and I respect a person's privacy. No, I don't think a spouse or really anyone should read your journal if you don't want them to. I would've told you to set some very clear boundaries but it doesn't seem like that would work with her. She sounds like she has some major trust issues. 1
empresario Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Privacy is normal and healthy in a relationship. Honestly I kind of want to dive deeper into your early indiscretions. It sounds like this is where it's all coming from on her end. Consider that perhaps it hasn't been enough time to forgive you or maybe she never will. You have to decide if that's OK with you. Or, a second possibility is that you aren't expressing emotions to her that you'd like to in your journal. Do you have quality time with her now where you guys talk about real issues? If you do, she should have no real reason to want to see your private thoughts. 1
No_Go Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Wow, in your place, i'd run. That's how unhealthy relationships behaviors are formed:( You TOTALLY have the right to keep your own journal that she NEVER sees, you are an independent human being. If you really want to put up with her behavior (sorry but it IS very abusive), probably write your journal at work... I want to start a private journal. It's not a question of "keeping secrets" from my love. When I write, 9 times out of 10, it's because I'm upset and need to work things through in my head. Sometimes, it's not even complete sentences - just thoughts, feelings.. It may not make sense to an onlooker. What I write may not be the whole picture. Only a fraction of what I feel or think. And I shouldn't have to justify it. No one who reads a journal will ever get the whole story. However my beloved doesn't believed... in privacy at all. She has my facebook password, phone, email. She follows me into bathroom, etc, etc. I can't say I am a saint when it came to start of our relationship, so she believes I don't dersved any privacy because what I've done, but I still I feel I am entitled to privacy. It's frustrating and blahh to try to make her understand why I need this journal. (we live together and share a laptop) I feel like started this journal and if she gets upset, she gets upset. :/
Author love1336x Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 I would suffocate to pieces in a relationship like that.. how long are you expected to be punished for your infidelity? I mean, eventually the trust should be re established or really there isn't much point to being together at all, surely. No, a spouse should not be allowed to read your journal unless you say it's okay. Even then, really, THEY should refuse.. But seeing as lack of trust is the issue, even knowing about you having a journal would be too big of a temptation for her probably. Can't you keep a private journal at your workplace or something? Seriously. I hope she only has your passwords but doesn't use them. This is not how a healthy trusting relationship works. I don't know how long she will punished me for cheating. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times it feels like soon. Its been five months. I haven't cheated, but as any relationships we have our problems, but the cheating always seem to trumped any issues I may have with her. It sucks because I've been trying. I been doing it my all. And I don't understand why give me the 2nd chance if you'll never trust me?
empresario Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I don't know how long she will punished me for cheating. Sometimes it feels like forever, other times it feels like soon. Its been five months. I haven't cheated, but as any relationships we have our problems, but the cheating always seem to trumped any issues I may have with her. It sucks because I've been trying. I been doing it my all. And I don't understand why give me the 2nd chance if you'll never trust me? 5 months? You have a long road ahead of you, sir. They say statistically it takes 3 years for someone to truly forgive you for cheating. Is she worth 3 years? Remember, it may have been 5 months to you, but she's living with that reality today. Every day she thinks about it. I've been there. Every. Damn. Day. So remember to be empathetic and patient. 2
Gary S Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 She follows me into bathroom, etc, etc. Even though I really want to tell you and go on about how you're dating (living with) a control freak, I won't. - Yup.........she's a control freak. They don't make good catches. 1
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) I don't know how long she will punish me for cheating. This is why she cannot trust you and why you cannot have privacy in this relationship just now. Cheating as empresario says leaves deep, deep wounds, and 5 months is very early doors here. #1 Edited August 21, 2015 by elaine567 1
Gary S Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Oh, the OP's second message tells a different story. If you cheated on her, I'm not surprised she's all in your business, you have no right to complain.....in fact, you are lucky she's still with you. It may take some time before she trusts you again - if ever. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Hell no. Honestly, think about it. So you mean she is going to punish you and openly snoop on everything you do because you cheated. While I get 100% that cheating is a major trust buster, I can't imagine someone (your gf in this case) wanting to go so far as to compromise what is absolutely normal expectation of privacy AND become some uber controlling bi*ch. It's snooping and controlling even if she has your permission. Same with the passwords. To me, even though it's only been 5 months, her coping mechanisms are impossible and you shouldn't have agreed to the password ones--because it's obviously a bottomless pit of her neediness. I'm not sure why she took you back either if she was going to sign up for losing her mind like this. I'm gonna guess these tendencies of hers were there before the cheating, probably played a part in the cheating (being an overly controlling gf) and that the cheating is just an excuse so that she can own every inch of you. If it was me, the suggestion alone that she should be able to read your journal, would make me want to break up with her for good. Shows you her mindset and that she would snoop into it even if you told her no. I'm just going to be devil's advocate here and guess that part of what sorts of things you would write in your journal would be helpful to keeping you clear on your feelings in the relationship and sorted out. She is only seeing the negative. With the journal you'd be thinking, probably about being a better guy, more true to your goals, venting your complaints---which is 1000 times better than bottling them up and acting on them (affair) which is probably what happened in part. I would just insist no or break up unless you want to continue to be henpecked. Good luck ps did i read that you share a computer. Buy your own if you can afford or an ipad/tablet OR get a real journal with a lock or that you keep with you. Still think, unfortunately, she will try to break into this stuff but these are proactive solutions. 1
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