Getting dates with girls seems impossible for inexperienced guys

[ZA Dater]

Yes and that is exactly what mrldii meant.

Some people think that there is a lot of women out there for them, if only those darned pesky "bad" or hot guys weren't hoarding all the women.

 

BUT if you are strange, socially inept, have odd interests and beliefs that few or any women would find interesting or they may even find a little creepy or scary, then your x number IS going to be close to zero.

Any man who chooses to be truly weird and off kilter with society, has to accept that.

 

I had the afternoon off for a makeover, an international model and image consultant was arranged for me.

 

 

That part is not boasting but is important for what I am going to type next.

 

 

I thought about this thread, the posts in it, the OP and the choices between them. Personally one should straddle the line between "likely to accept a date" and "she is just amazing can I maybe get a date with her"

 

 

Spending time around this absolutely stunning model, a really nice down to earth person I realized that perhaps we date down too often. Sure, she isn't really my cup of tea for a variety of reasons, miss perfect is far nicer in many non physical respects.

 

 

I think OP, who clearly articulates well based on what he has typed here, needs to do is look a bit higher up the ladder and NEVER try date "shop" i.e. go through a whole group of girls, they all talk and you will be dead in the water if one rejects you, the others wont want you either.

 

 

Perhaps the lesson I learnt and someone here taught it to me, ask for help, I am not one who does, people forced their way to help me and in some ways I am quite glad. The best help you will get will also be female help.

[johndoe2]

Yes and that is exactly what mrldii meant.

Some people think that there is a lot of women out there for them, if only those darned pesky "bad" or hot guys weren't hoarding all the women.

 

BUT if you are strange, socially inept, have odd interests and beliefs that few or any women would find interesting or they may even find a little creepy or scary, then your x number IS going to be close to zero.

Any man who chooses to be truly weird and off kilter with society, has to accept that.

As though it were simply a matter of choice.

 

Also, sometimes navigating this forum seems like having a discussion with a schizophrenic. "Be yourself!" "No, who you are is weird and creepy, change it." "Why are trying to be like everyone else? Find people like you!" Can't find any. "Well, there's your problem Be somebody else!"

[usernametaken]

I guess I can describe my self as a super nerdy (love physics, computer science, and biology), highly religious guy (Christian, love studying religion, very serious about it, but I don't really subscribe to any particular known church), conspiracy theorist with a touch of some geekiness for anime, indie music, and strategy games, and a touch of madness.

 

Anyway, so being yourself isn't the good advice people try to pretend it is?

 

You're going to find very few serious physicists or biologists who are highly religious. These beliefs are wholly incompatible if you're a serious scientist on any level.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

What is your age OP?

[empresario]

You're not inexperienced. You're just pristine.

 

 

Seriously though...the only way a woman knows how experienced you are is if you tell them. And your relationship history is not their business, especially not at first.

 

 

If this is actually about your dating conundrum...then chill out. You are putting the P on a pedestal and you need to stop that right now. The fact that you are willing to date almost every woman there should be a red flag. Do you even know what you appreciate? Notice how you start each blurb by telling us about their looks.

 

 

Just go with the flow. Figure out what you like by talking to women like they're people...not potential dates.

[Necris]

You're going to find very few serious physicists or biologists who are highly religious. These beliefs are wholly incompatible if you're a serious scientist on any level.

 

The whole science vs religion debate is actually a false dichotomy, since they don't actually oppose each other and are actually quite compatible. There have been and still are plenty of serious scientists who are highly religious. An example of a living scientist I can give would be John Polkinghorne, a theoretical particle physicist, and Anglican priest.

 

I guess if you are a young earth creationist, the majority of modern accepted science may seem to conflict with your views but they are a minority.

[Necris]

Did you ask any of your classmates in these classes out? Have you joined a gaming or techy meetup?

 

When I was in college (I have since graduated) I did try to ask my classmates out they were never interested, which reminds me of this one girl I tried to get to know who pretended to like me just so I could tutor her and help her pass the class and then she didn't really care to talk to me anymore after that, lol.

 

And gaming groups from my experience tend to be 90 - 100% all guys. The few girls there are generally with their boyfriends. Girls at least where I live are simply uninterested in such things.

 

 

Do you attend church? Are you active in their young adult activities? Participate in a bible study group? Attend Christian conferences, concerts, etc.? Is there a seminary near you? Do you attend lectures or other events they hold that are open to the public?

 

 

I in fact do attend a Church unfortunately its small with no one really my age and single going there, most people going are married, or they are a little kid, and there is a small handful teens attending as well.

[Sunlight72]

I *never* get turned down. Well maybe once in my life. Trust me, it's not because I'm so hot and awesome and exuding masculine confidence so that no woman could possibly resist me.

 

My secret is very simple: I only ask a woman out if she is going to say yes I know that sounds flippant but there is a valuable truth there if you will hear it.

 

How do I know they will say yes? Because I flirt with them to gauge their interest before I ask them out.

 

Stop trying to get dates for awhile and just practice flirting. Flirt with every woman you encounter when appropriate even if you are not interested- especially if you are not interested since you have NOTHING to lose. Learning to flirt is the only way you will be able to improve how receptive women are to your advances.

I want to 'like' this about ten times.

 

This is really the key - don't just be "asking a girl out" (whatever that even means for you). Flirt. Be interested, be easy (meaning make a little joke, then leave it alone, go away, don't hope for anything more).

 

It's paramount to getting dates, and Also - how much fun are you going to be on a date if you aren't good at just hanging out and flirting some? You need practice flirting.

 

The other thought I have is, just make casual friends with some women over the next couple weeks. Just be friendly, and see who likes to be friendly back.

 

Don't "ask a girl out". Just be a fun guy when the moment feels right, and then sometime later be a fun guy again. Keep at it, and do it in a way that You Have Fun meeting new people.

[WomenWubber]

I *never* get turned down. Well maybe once in my life. Trust me, it's not because I'm so hot and awesome and exuding masculine confidence so that no woman could possibly resist me.

 

My secret is very simple: I only ask a woman out if she is going to say yes I know that sounds flippant but there is a valuable truth there if you will hear it.

 

How do I know they will say yes? Because I flirt with them to gauge their interest before I ask them out.

 

Stop trying to get dates for awhile and just practice flirting. Flirt with every woman you encounter when appropriate even if you are not interested- especially if you are not interested since you have NOTHING to lose. Learning to flirt is the only way you will be able to improve how receptive women are to your advances.

 

If you are afraid and don't do something to cultivate their interest prior to asking them out you are going to get no after no after no. Even if you ask hundreds.

 

If this doesn't work for you op, then I guess you just got **** out of luck in this lifetime.

[angel.eyes]

You're going to find very few serious physicists or biologists who are highly religious. These beliefs are wholly incompatible if you're a serious scientist on any level.

 

Out of curiosity, what data are you using to support your assertion? In speaking with some of the top academicians, this has not been my experience. Be that as it may, rather than anecdotal experience, here is a partial list of some scientists who happen to be Christian believers.

 

List_of_Christian_thinkers_in_science (Wikipedia)

 

(Living scientists are at the end of the list.)

 

Depending on the specific discipline, somewhere between 2/3rds and 4/5ths of all Nobel Prize winners in the sciences have been Christians. Ironically, it's the humanities where non-Christians predominate.

[Necris]

I want to 'like' this about ten times.

 

This is really the key - don't just be "asking a girl out" (whatever that even means for you). Flirt. Be interested, be easy (meaning make a little joke, then leave it alone, go away, don't hope for anything more).

 

It's paramount to getting dates, and Also - how much fun are you going to be on a date if you aren't good at just hanging out and flirting some? You need practice flirting.

 

The other thought I have is, just make casual friends with some women over the next couple weeks. Just be friendly, and see who likes to be friendly back.

 

Don't "ask a girl out". Just be a fun guy when the moment feels right, and then sometime later be a fun guy again. Keep at it, and do it in a way that You Have Fun meeting new people.

 

Typically I do try to at least get to know the girl a little before I ask her out, so I won't seem like too much a total stranger. Unfortunately even when they seem friendly that never seems to indicate any sort of interest like girl 5 in the example. Though that's better than when they aren't friendly where you try to talk to them and they just give you the blank stare or something making your greeting seem awkward.

[angel.eyes]

He makes a very important point in his post that I think you might be missing. It's about the manner in which you engage.

 

Talking to her is not just some check box you tick off on a list. By flirting, you're building a bit of a connection before you actually ask. If you are very matter-of-factly talking about whatever, it can feel contrived and stilted. It's very hard to create any sort of connection in an awkward interaction. Your chances of someone wanting to spend a whole date engaged in that type of stiff interaction plummets.

 

That's where the advice to relax and just enjoy the interaction for what it is comes in. That's also why getting sufficient practice asking women out helps. Ask enough women and you stop caring so much if they say no. Then you're less nervous...more sure of yourself, less stiff and less awkward. Then you have a better shot at having a comfortable, fun, flirtatious conversation that flows easily and you can make a connection. The person is much more likely to want to spend time with you when that happens.

 

That being said. You can't always go by whether she flirts back. Some women are very outgoing, enjoy being friendly, and eagerly engage in banter. Others, especially less experienced women, become very shy and nervous when they really like a guy. They'll clam up around him and have difficulty maintaining eye contact because of nerves.

 

It can be hard to tell sometimes. Don't beat yourself up if you misjudge interest.

Edited August 22, 2015 by angel.eyes

[angel.eyes]

When I was in college (I have since graduated) I did try to ask my classmates out they were never interested, which reminds me of this one girl I tried to get to know who pretended to like me just so I could tutor her and help her pass the class and then she didn't really care to talk to me anymore after that, lol.

Sadly, some people are opportunists. Learn to figure out the signs that someone might be using you, but otherwise try not to take it too personally.

 

And gaming groups from my experience tend to be 90 - 100% all guys. The few girls there are generally with their boyfriends. Girls at least where I live are simply uninterested in such things.

I have minimal exposure on this front. I decided to broaden my horizons and went to a gaming group recently. I was shocked at how many geeky women were there. It was maybe 40:60 or 1:2. Now that you mention it, many of them came with their partners, although there were some who came with female friends. I seem to run across a lot of female nerds in coffee shops, on the streets, etc. It's not my demographic, so I don't know where else they may hang out and socialize. But they definitely exist.

 

I in fact do attend a Church unfortunately its small with no one really my age and single going there, most people going are married, or they are a little kid, and there is a small handful teens attending as well.

Since you take your faith seriously, but don't identify with a particular denomination, why not explore other churches? Spend some time at churches with large young adult populations, active young adult ministries, and strong college outreach, assuming you're open to dating 22-year olds or grad students.

 

Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful. You seem like such a nice guy, and I know it's frustrating.

[edgygirl]

I know you said in another post that it's 90% men in gaming meetups in your area, but really you have to find a way to meet more nerdy girls.

 

ALL my girl friends (who are smart, thank you) are into geeky guys. I think you're aiming for the wrong crowd who won't really appreciate the kind of guy you are. Most women of college age go for the jocks. Try to find the ones who are into brains. They are out there.

 

I guess I can describe my self as a super nerdy (love physics, computer science, and biology), highly religious guy (Christian, love studying religion, very serious about it, but I don't really subscribe to any particular known church), conspiracy theorist with a touch of some geekiness for anime, indie music, and strategy games, and a touch of madness.

 

Anyway, so being yourself isn't the good advice people try to pretend it is?

[PogoStick]

Why pick one if it will hurt your chances with the others? The better play is to friend-zone them until one of them picks you. Approach them without giving the feeling that you want to date any of them. Start casual conversations with several of them. Just be friendly so they start warming up to you.

 

You might take a month or two building a friendship with them first. After some time you should get a feel for who is open to you taking things a step further.

 

At appropriate times you can toss out bait:

Have you tried the smoothies from the place down the street? No? Well let's go grab one after I finish my workout. (and notice it's when You are done, you're not waiting on her).

 

My friends are going /boating this weekend/ going out for drinks/ going to see the band at Gabe's tonight/ having a backyard bonfire...you should meet us there.

 

I have an extra ticket for the baseball game on Friday. Want to join me?

[PogoStick]

 

Since you take your faith seriously, but don't identify with a particular denomination, why not explore other churches? Spend some time at churches with large young adult populations, active young adult ministries, and strong college outreach, assuming you're open to dating 22-year olds or grad students.

 

Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful. You seem like such a nice guy, and I know it's frustrating.

 

Great advice. Find a church and get involved in youth activities. Some religious chick will take notice of you, or other church members will set you up with a girl. Easy pickings.

[PogoStick]

 

The other thought I have is, just make casual friends with some women over the next couple weeks. Just be friendly, and see who likes to be friendly back.

 

Don't "ask a girl out". Just be a fun guy when the moment feels right, and then sometime later be a fun guy again. Keep at it, and do it in a way that You Have Fun meeting new people.

 

Necris, notice the similar advice.

[Siquijor]

I know alot of people say meeting girls, talking to them, and getting into relationships isn't actually all that difficult. So I was wondering what makes it so difficult for people like myself it just seems impossible?

 

So for the scenario let's say you are mr.inexperienced, not all that attractive but a legit nice guy though. You decide to go take a class/join a club or something and you meet a whopping 5 single women. What should you do?

 

Who should you approach if they all somewhat know each other since they are all in the same club? If you approach literally every girl in the club you might just look desperate and turn-off the girl that actually might have liked you.

 

1. Girl 1 you notice immediately, she is absolutely gorgeous and seems classy but she has an air of unapproachability. She is always surrounded by tons of friends, talking on her cell phone, etc. and other guys are always checking her out. Besides this you don't really know much at all about her.

 

2. Girl 2 is physically attractive and friends with Girl 1, but she's very unfriendly, and fairly rude acting, but that's all you know.

 

3. Girl 3 you've met before she's average looking, has few friends, but what stands out for her is her personality while she isn't rude like girl 2 she is extremely odd acting in her behavior, dress, and mannerisms, and generally a bit wild acting. She also is occassionally flirty acting but this seems to change frequently switching between flirty and cold without provocation.

 

4. Girl 4 is average looking, very shy and avoidant, unconfident, doesn't seem to have any friends, and not very friendly as she seems to be uninterested in conversation with others.

 

5. Girl 5 however isn't physically attractive but she is also a very friendly and warm person to be around, and seems to have a similar personality and interests as you do at least from what you can tell.

 

 

So you decide to ask out Girl 5 but she reveals she really only wants to be friends, Girl 1 also declines, and Girl 3 sees your desperation and loses the tiny bit of attraction she had.

 

 

Personally I wouldn't choose any of those.

 

Girl 1 : Unapproachable type who likes to be centre of attention and needs her ego constantly fed. Too engrossed in herself to be worth considering.

 

 

Girl 2 : Very unfriendly, fairly rude and friends with the above, but that's all you know? That's all you need to know!

 

 

Girl 3 : Nutjob alert. Anyone who goes from one extreme to another without reason should be avoided like the plague unless emotional rollercoasters are your thing.

 

 

Girl 4 : Shyness is one thing but portraying oneself as a miserable loner is another.

 

 

Girl 5 : I like the sound of her but if there isn't an element of physical attraction I wouldn't be interested.

 

 

If I was you OP, I would look for someone similar to girl no 5 but with a physical attraction to you. Don't settle for anything less. Like what's been previously mentioned, one that shares your religious beliefs would be the best bet.

 

 

Sometimes you may have to look further afield to find her though, and sometimes that special person enters your life when you're not even looking. Patience is your friend. Anxiety and desperation is your enemy.

[Jj66]

The entire premise of the question is wrong. There is no choice to make here. As someone said, it's not game theory.

 

Ask a woman out because you are attracted to her and would like to spend more time with her not because you are desperate for a date.

 

She wants to feel special in your eyes. And she won't feel that way because you don't feel she is - she's just a number 1 through 5 that you have pre-judged based on your evaluation of her dating potential. Your body language won't lie. She will sense your desperation and the fact that you literally would be willing to ask almost anyone out.

 

A better approach in my mind is to just not think of these women as potential "dates" and spend time with them all if you can. Have fun! Laugh. Joke. Flirt. And then if you happen to form a connection with a little bit of spark with one of them, that's when you ask her out. There is no choice to make. The ebb and flow of attraction makes your choice for you. It could be ANY of them. Or none of them.

[Siquijor]

A better approach in my mind is to just not think of these women as potential "dates" and spend time with them all if you can. Have fun! Laugh. Joke. Flirt. And then if you happen to form a connection with a little bit of spark with one of them, that's when you ask her out.

 

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I agree!

[ZA Dater]

The entire premise of the question is wrong. There is no choice to make here. As someone said, it's not game theory.

 

Ask a woman out because you are attracted to her and would like to spend more time with her not because you are desperate for a date.

 

She wants to feel special in your eyes. And she won't feel that way because you don't feel she is - she's just a number 1 through 5 that you have pre-judged based on your evaluation of her dating potential. Your body language won't lie. She will sense your desperation and the fact that you literally would be willing to ask almost anyone out.

 

A better approach in my mind is to just not think of these women as potential "dates" and spend time with them all if you can. Have fun! Laugh. Joke. Flirt. And then if you happen to form a connection with a little bit of spark with one of them, that's when you ask her out. There is no choice to make. The ebb and flow of attraction makes your choice for you. It could be ANY of them. Or none of them.

 

 

The bold part is so very, very important. I cant like that part enough, its total logic but something many, myself included sometimes forget.

 

 

I don't think the OP is too far out there in terms of interests, what is good is he has diverse interests so that does make things a bit easier, in theory at any rate.

 

 

OP how do you relate to people in general?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

An issue for me I know I need to solve is to stop feeling jealous of people who got to experience dating, relationships and sex at a younger age than me

[Necris]

 

I think OP, who clearly articulates well based on what he has typed here, needs to do is look a bit higher up the ladder and NEVER try date "shop" i.e. go through a whole group of girls, they all talk and you will be dead in the water if one rejects you, the others wont want you either.

 

Personally I wouldn't choose any of those.

 

Girl 1 : Unapproachable type who likes to be centre of attention and needs her ego constantly fed. Too engrossed in herself to be worth considering.

 

 

Girl 2 : Very unfriendly, fairly rude and friends with the above, but that's all you know? That's all you need to know!

 

 

Girl 3 : Nutjob alert. Anyone who goes from one extreme to another without reason should be avoided like the plague unless emotional rollercoasters are your thing.

 

 

Girl 4 : Shyness is one thing but portraying oneself as a miserable loner is another.

 

 

Girl 5 : I like the sound of her but if there isn't an element of physical attraction I wouldn't be interested.

 

 

If I was you OP, I would look for someone similar to girl no 5 but with a physical attraction to you. Don't settle for anything less. Like what's been previously mentioned, one that shares your religious beliefs would be the best bet.

 

 

Sometimes you may have to look further afield to find her though, and sometimes that special person enters your life when you're not even looking. Patience is your friend. Anxiety and desperation is your enemy.

 

The entire premise of the question is wrong. There is no choice to make here. As someone said, it's not game theory.

 

Ask a woman out because you are attracted to her and would like to spend more time with her not because you are desperate for a date.

 

So all of you are saying I shouldn't take into account the likelihood of her liking me back and just go after only the best girls I can find?

[Necris]

Many women can smell that agenda of yours a mile away. Don't have an agenda when you talk to them, just talk. Be friendly. And not just with the women, but with the guys too.

 

Do well in class, but still have a good time with it. Instead of asking women from class out on dates, try to get people together to study. Make sure to be casual about it. This is why I said to do well in class. If you are doing really well, women will want to study with you. While it's not a date, you are still spending time with them, and the pressure of a date isn't there. When I first started back in school a couple years ago, the first girl I studied with ended up back at my place that night. Instead of women losing attraction for you because you keep getting shot down by the prettier girls, more women will become attracted to you, because they see other women hanging around with you all the time.

 

I don't know when I was in college I helped a girl actually pass her class by tutoring her and she acted like she liked me but as soon as the class was over she became cold and distant not wanting to talk to me again.

[jay1983]

I don't know when I was in college I helped a girl actually pass her class by tutoring her and she acted like she liked me but as soon as the class was over she became cold and distant not wanting to talk to me again.

 

You should've been on here writing about that when it was happening. That way someone could've told you to go cold after 2 study sessions.

 

You need to get used to talking to women without coming on or trying to pick them up. After a minute you'll be able to tell who likes you and who doesn't before you ask out an obviously uninterested girl.