Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I know alot of people say meeting girls, talking to them, and getting into relationships isn't actually all that difficult. So I was wondering what makes it so difficult for people like myself it just seems impossible? So for the scenario let's say you are mr.inexperienced, not all that attractive but a legit nice guy though. You decide to go take a class/join a club or something and you meet a whopping 5 single women. What should you do? Who should you approach if they all somewhat know each other since they are all in the same club? If you approach literally every girl in the club you might just look desperate and turn-off the girl that actually might have liked you. 1. Girl 1 you notice immediately, she is absolutely gorgeous and seems classy but she has an air of unapproachability. She is always surrounded by tons of friends, talking on her cell phone, etc. and other guys are always checking her out. Besides this you don't really know much at all about her. 2. Girl 2 is physically attractive and friends with Girl 1, but she's very unfriendly, and fairly rude acting, but that's all you know. 3. Girl 3 you've met before she's average looking, has few friends, but what stands out for her is her personality while she isn't rude like girl 2 she is extremely odd acting in her behavior, dress, and mannerisms, and generally a bit wild acting. She also is occassionally flirty acting but this seems to change frequently switching between flirty and cold without provocation. 4. Girl 4 is average looking, very shy and avoidant, unconfident, doesn't seem to have any friends, and not very friendly as she seems to be uninterested in conversation with others. 5. Girl 5 however isn't physically attractive but she is also a very friendly and warm person to be around, and seems to have a similar personality and interests as you do at least from what you can tell. So you decide to ask out Girl 5 but she reveals she really only wants to be friends, Girl 1 also declines, and Girl 3 sees your desperation and loses the tiny bit of attraction she had.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Understand a few things: * confidence is sexy * you can't ask out a woman who has seen you get turned down by another woman because it tells the 2nd woman that she is 2nd choice * everybody gets nervous 2
mrldii Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Ahhhh...and there's the irony: everything in life seems impossible until you get some experience under your belt. * Walking was impossible until you tried - and failed - enough TO do it; * Finishing school seemed endlessly impossible until that day you woke up and it was (finally) over; * Going on endless, pointless, one-after-the-other-just-to-be-told-'No' job interviews seemed impossible until that one person said, "You're hired!" Every failure is an opportunity to succeed the next time...iffin you learn from it. Best of luck to you, OP... 3
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 It sounds like a reasonable approach. I agree with avoiding girl #2. Shy girls (girl #4) tend to get overlooked, and tend to have very few, if any, guys ask them out. If you find one attractive, you may have a better chance asking her out than asking out very attractive or very friendly/outgoing women, both of whom typically get a lot of male attention. She's also the least likely to share broadly that you asked her out, if she declines. Just something to consider.
Author Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 It sounds like a reasonable approach. I agree with avoiding girl #2. Shy girls (girl #4) tend to get overlooked, and tend to have very few, if any, guys ask them out. If you find one attractive, you may have a better chance asking her out than asking out very attractive or very friendly/outgoing women, both of whom typically get a lot of male attention. She's also the least likely to share broadly that you asked her out, if she declines. Just something to consider. Problem is you can only ask out one and highly unlikely any of them will like you and there is no way to tell if they do because none of them are showing any signs of interest at all. Personally in my experience shy girls really don't like me, attempts to ask them out always results in rejection, surprisingly.
Author Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Understand a few things: * confidence is sexy * you can't ask out a woman who has seen you get turned down by another woman because it tells the 2nd woman that she is 2nd choice * everybody gets nervous Honestly confidence doesn't really matter at all, regardless of how confident you feel approaching the girl already knows if she likes you or not. I've had times where I felt ultra confident approaching a girl completely certain that she wanted to go on a date only to get rejected immediately. But you are right about point 2, which brings me to my point you can only ask out one girl but none of them are showing any indicators of interest at any level and the choices aren't all that good leading to your swift rejection, and awkwardness especially if the girl was a part of your social circle.
Author Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Ahhhh...and there's the irony: everything in life seems impossible until you get some experience under your belt. * Walking was impossible until you tried - and failed - enough TO do it; * Finishing school seemed endlessly impossible until that day you woke up and it was (finally) over; * Going on endless, pointless, one-after-the-other-just-to-be-told-'No' job interviews seemed impossible until that one person said, "You're hired!" Every failure is an opportunity to succeed the next time...iffin you learn from it. Best of luck to you, OP... But there's no formula for dating there is no right answer so it's not like I get better every time I get turned down for one, the only thing that you can do is I guess is just ask out hundreds and hundreds of women until eventually one of them says yes, and getting a relationship is harder now you have to somehow impress a woman enough during a date she wants to continuously be around you so you will fail over and over at that which means alot of wasted time, money, and effort. Which makes it seem impossible. 1
ZA Dater Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I know alot of people say meeting girls, talking to them, and getting into relationships isn't actually all that difficult. So I was wondering what makes it so difficult for people like myself it just seems impossible? So for the scenario let's say you are mr.inexperienced, not all that attractive but a legit nice guy though. You decide to go take a class/join a club or something and you meet a whopping 5 single women. What should you do? Who should you approach if they all somewhat know each other since they are all in the same club? If you approach literally every girl in the club you might just look desperate and turn-off the girl that actually might have liked you. 1. Girl 1 you notice immediately, she is absolutely gorgeous and seems classy but she has an air of unapproachability. She is always surrounded by tons of friends, talking on her cell phone, etc. and other guys are always checking her out. Besides this you don't really know much at all about her. 2. Girl 2 is physically attractive and friends with Girl 1, but she's very unfriendly, and fairly rude acting, but that's all you know. 3. Girl 3 you've met before she's average looking, has few friends, but what stands out for her is her personality while she isn't rude like girl 2 she is extremely odd acting in her behavior, dress, and mannerisms, and generally a bit wild acting. She also is occassionally flirty acting but this seems to change frequently switching between flirty and cold without provocation. 4. Girl 4 is average looking, very shy and avoidant, unconfident, doesn't seem to have any friends, and not very friendly as she seems to be uninterested in conversation with others. 5. Girl 5 however isn't physically attractive but she is also a very friendly and warm person to be around, and seems to have a similar personality and interests as you do at least from what you can tell. So you decide to ask out Girl 5 but she reveals she really only wants to be friends, Girl 1 also declines, and Girl 3 sees your desperation and loses the tiny bit of attraction she had. My choice would always be girl 3. Simply because there is a challenge and maybe a realistic chance of success with her. Ultimately I think one never wants to do oneself so some common ground is good, too much common ground is bad.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Women aren't an exercise in game theory. They are human beings driven by reason and emotion grounded in their cumulative experience. You need to find a girl you really like and are compatible with, then fight for her affection by showing her you care about her as a person. Do that by being the best, most intelligent person you are but also human as well. Women like confidence and stability but they also like availability and vulnerability. Flirting is only effective if you have knowledge of the target of your affection and if you can't tell a joke and make her laugh you aren't going to get far (that includes jokes about yourself). Display emotional intelligence and ask three times before giving up (persistence). 7
Jj66 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I *never* get turned down. Well maybe once in my life. Trust me, it's not because I'm so hot and awesome and exuding masculine confidence so that no woman could possibly resist me. My secret is very simple: I only ask a woman out if she is going to say yes I know that sounds flippant but there is a valuable truth there if you will hear it. How do I know they will say yes? Because I flirt with them to gauge their interest before I ask them out. Stop trying to get dates for awhile and just practice flirting. Flirt with every woman you encounter when appropriate even if you are not interested- especially if you are not interested since you have NOTHING to lose. Learning to flirt is the only way you will be able to improve how receptive women are to your advances. If you are afraid and don't do something to cultivate their interest prior to asking them out you are going to get no after no after no. Even if you ask hundreds. 8
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Problem is you can only ask out one and highly unlikely any of them will like you and there is no way to tell if they do because none of them are showing any signs of interest at all. Personally in my experience shy girls really don't like me, attempts to ask them out always results in rejection, surprisingly. So you're having some success with the uber-attractive and warm/friendly girls? That's why you ask them first? I guess I misunderstood the first post. What exactly are you asking advice about? As to asking more than one person--lots of guys do that...discreetly of course. How do I know this? Most guys that I've turned down are happily dating (or married to) someone else in my social circle. I'm guessing they asked a few people before someone finally said yes. You can't ask everyone, but you can certainly ask 2 or 3 separately. No guy gets a 100% yes response rate. The vast majority of the time the answer will be no. The guys who are successful typically brush it off, adjust their approach, and plug away seemingly undaunted with different people until they get to yes.
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 But there's no formula for dating there is no right answer so it's not like I get better every time I get turned down for one, the only thing that you can do is I guess is just ask out hundreds and hundreds of women until eventually one of them says yes, and getting a relationship is harder now you have to somehow impress a woman enough during a date she wants to continuously be around you so you will fail over and over at that which means alot of wasted time, money, and effort. Which makes it seem impossible. Your goal isn't to impress. Dating is not a performance. The main purpose of a first date is to learn a little bit more about the person, and more importantly, to find a connection. If there's no connection there most likely won't be a second or third date. That's true whether you're the guy or the woman on that date. Relax and be yourself. You're more likely to make a connection then.
Author Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 So you're having some success with the uber-attractive and warm/friendly girls? That's why you ask them first? I guess I misunderstood the first post. What exactly are you asking advice about? As to asking more than one person--lots of guys do that...discreetly of course. How do I know this? Most guys that I've turned down are happily dating (or married to) someone else in my social circle. I'm guessing they asked a few people before someone finally said yes. You can't ask everyone, but you can certainly ask 2 or 3 separately. No guy gets a 100% yes response rate. The vast majority of the time the answer will be no. The guys who are successful typically brush it off, adjust their approach, and plug away seemingly undaunted with different people until they get to yes. No, I don't get any sort of "success" at all regardless of the type of girl, I have only been on 4 dates my entire life and none of them went past the first date. Though typically I'm actually more inclined to ask out shy girls though that obviously never goes anywhere. As for asking out multiple girls of course thats normal, I do it,but I'm just saying it wouldn't be wise in a small social circle like asking out a girl then going to her friend and asking her out. The guys I know that are successful don't ask out that many girls. Women are typically drawn to them naturally so they aren't just asking out a bunch of girls trying to get a yes, they are more concerned with asking out the girl and hopefully she can give them a yes.
Author Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Your goal isn't to impress. Dating is not a performance. The main purpose of a first date is to learn a little bit more about the person, and more importantly, to find a connection. If there's no connection there most likely won't be a second or third date. That's true whether you're the guy or the woman on that date. Relax and be yourself. You're more likely to make a connection then. I'm kind of one of those wierd guys that have very little in common with anyone I meet
johndoe2 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Your goal isn't to impress. Dating is not a performance. The main purpose of a first date is to learn a little bit more about the person, and more importantly, to find a connection. If there's no connection there most likely won't be a second or third date. That's true whether you're the guy or the woman on that date. Relax and be yourself. You're more likely to make a connection then. Clearly, dating is in large part about impressing the person. There may be variability in what impresses a person, but still, the way you talk about it, 'be yourself and see if there's a 'connection', whatever exactly that is, based on some aetherial bond or something, just seems fatalistic. 2
mrldii Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I'm kind of one of those wierd guys that have very little in common with anyone I meet Well, IF this is true (and I hate to sound blunt and/or mean, here) either embrace and continue doing you, knowing that it will take A particular girl to be attracted to you, OR work on becoming someone who does have more things in common with more people TO increase your chances of finding some girls who are attracted to you. If you think the game is EVERYONE is entitled to an 'x' number of someones from which to select and dammit, someone's hoarding your 'x' number... ...that's NOT what's written in The Rules. 1
johndoe2 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Well, IF this is true (and I hate to sound blunt and/or mean, here) either embrace and continue doing you, knowing that it will take A particular girl to be attracted to you, OR work on becoming someone who does have more things in common with more people TO increase your chances of finding some girls who are attracted to you. If you think the game is EVERYONE is entitled to an 'x' number of someones from which to select and dammit, someone's hoarding your 'x' number... ...that's NOT what's written in The Rules. It's not impossible for X to be 0, or so close to 0 as to be negligible, and one can just be **** out of luck. Not sure what rules you're referring to. 1
Author Necris Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Well, IF this is true (and I hate to sound blunt and/or mean, here) either embrace and continue doing you, knowing that it will take A particular girl to be attracted to you, OR work on becoming someone who does have more things in common with more people TO increase your chances of finding some girls who are attracted to you. If you think the game is EVERYONE is entitled to an 'x' number of someones from which to select and dammit, someone's hoarding your 'x' number... ...that's NOT what's written in The Rules. I guess I can describe my self as a super nerdy (love physics, computer science, and biology), highly religious guy (Christian, love studying religion, very serious about it, but I don't really subscribe to any particular known church), conspiracy theorist with a touch of some geekiness for anime, indie music, and strategy games, and a touch of madness. Anyway, so being yourself isn't the good advice people try to pretend it is?
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I can think of women who would definitely like all of those things. Those aren't personality traits or life factors, they are educational passions, belief systems and hobbies. Clearly, you should start looking into activities where you can pursue those passions, beliefs and entertainments and there are women. Provided you are willing to leave your house and make an honest attempt of it without being judgmental none of those things are disqualifying. People come in all manners of physical shape and behaviors. Be yourself, good luck!
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 It's not impossible for X to be 0, or so close to 0 as to be negligible, and one can just be **** out of luck. Not sure what rules you're referring to. Yes and that is exactly what mrldii meant. Some people think that there is a lot of women out there for them, if only those darned pesky "bad" or hot guys weren't hoarding all the women. BUT if you are strange, socially inept, have odd interests and beliefs that few or any women would find interesting or they may even find a little creepy or scary, then your x number IS going to be close to zero. Any man who chooses to be truly weird and off kilter with society, has to accept that. 2
Zagan Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I am by no means religious, but when I read some posts on here one line always strikes me... "Deceived by the opposing forces of attraction and repulsion, all creation lives and moves in delusion" Stop wasting your time.
Toodaloo Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I guess I can describe my self as a super nerdy (love physics, computer science, and biology), highly religious guy (Christian, love studying religion, very serious about it, but I don't really subscribe to any particular known church), conspiracy theorist with a touch of some geekiness for anime, indie music, and strategy games, and a touch of madness. Anyway, so being yourself isn't the good advice people try to pretend it is? Actually - you are not as "weird" as you think. Your "type" is very much in vouge at the moment. More so with younger generations such as your own. Thank programmes such as Big Bang for it. I know what it is like to be an "outcast", a true outcast where I walk my own path away from others... It is not unusual for me to listen to an argument and go in completely the opposite direction to others. I have learnt that I view the world in a very different way to others. Strangely enough that is what many people find the most attractive about me. So yes "being yourself" actually does work. Then there are no nasty surprises for your beau when you can no longer keep up the act... 1
Justanaverageguy Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Who should you approach if they all somewhat know each other since they are all in the same club? If you approach literally every girl in the club you might just look desperate and turn-off the girl that actually might have liked you. 1. Girl 1 you notice immediately, she is absolutely gorgeous and seems classy but she has an air of unapproachability. She is always surrounded by tons of friends, talking on her cell phone, etc. and other guys are always checking her out. Besides this you don't really know much at all about her. 2. Girl 2 is physically attractive and friends with Girl 1, but she's very unfriendly, and fairly rude acting, but that's all you know. 3. Girl 3 you've met before she's average looking, has few friends, but what stands out for her is her personality while she isn't rude like girl 2 she is extremely odd acting in her behavior, dress, and mannerisms, and generally a bit wild acting. She also is occassionally flirty acting but this seems to change frequently switching between flirty and cold without provocation. 4. Girl 4 is average looking, very shy and avoidant, unconfident, doesn't seem to have any friends, and not very friendly as she seems to be uninterested in conversation with others. 5. Girl 5 however isn't physically attractive but she is also a very friendly and warm person to be around, and seems to have a similar personality and interests as you do at least from what you can tell. So you decide to ask out Girl 5 but she reveals she really only wants to be friends, Girl 1 also declines, and Girl 3 sees your desperation and loses the tiny bit of attraction she had. I understand your process here and I get it because you are inexperience and trying to "maximize" your chances - but I think in your quest to try and get a date, any date who cares who it is ..... you may have missed the point. You're solely basing who you approach on who is most likely to date you without really giving any consideration to which one you actually like and want to date . How about taking a couple of steps back. Stop turning it into a numbers game and equation of probability trying work out which one is the most likely to say yes .... and just hangout and get to know them a bit better first. If its a group that will be meeting regularly there is no super rush. Take the pressure off, make friends and see which of the girls you end up connecting with and see if there is one who you naturally gravitate towards. Once you have a bit of connection with one of the girls and most importantly - you actually like her and think she is the one of the 5 you would like to date - make a move 1
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I understand your process here and I get it because you are inexperience and trying to "maximize" your chances - but I think in your quest to try and get a date, any date who cares who it is ..... you may have missed the point. You're solely basing who you approach on who is most likely to date you without really giving any consideration to which one you actually like and want to date . How about taking a couple of steps back. Stop turning it into a numbers game and equation of probability trying work out which one is the most likely to say yes .... and just hangout and get to know them a bit better first. If its a group that will be meeting regularly there is no super rush. Take the pressure off, make friends and see which of the girls you end up connecting with and see if there is one who you naturally gravitate towards. Once you have a bit of connection with one of the girls and most importantly - you actually like her and think she is the one of the 5 you would like to date - make a move Agreed. He first asked out the only one that made sense, the one he was probably going to be most compatible with, the rest he should have left well alone. Girl one was out of his league and I guess not too happy to be considered second choice and girl three sounds unstable and also unhappy regarding her third choice status. When girl five declined, I agree he should have got to know each a bit better instead of with a whiff of desperation, "What about you, wanna go on a date, No? OK what about you, no? and you...??" Girl 2 and 4 are going to be pissed off as the rejects, and are not going to consider him now ever, and as girl 2 sounds a bit poisonous too, she may be openly hostile. He was the cat who just jumped into the flock of pigeons, flailing about randomly; they all flew off and are now sitting on a wall watching him. 1
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I guess I can describe my self as a super nerdy (love physics, computer science, and biology) Did you ask any of your classmates in these classes out? Have you joined a gaming or techy meetup? highly religious guy (Christian, love studying religion, very serious about it, but I don't really subscribe to any particular known church) Do you attend church? Are you active in their young adult activities? Participate in a bible study group? Attend Christian conferences, concerts, etc.? Is there a seminary near you? Do you attend lectures or other events they hold that are open to the public? I could go through each item you've used to argue how weird and undateable you are, but hopefully you get the idea. What are you actively doing to put yourself in social situations where you make regular contact with women who share your interests, beliefs, or values? What are you doing to involve others socially in your life? If you sit at home playing solo videogames, yes dating will be near impossible. How about hosting an end-of-summer party or barbeque and inviting everyone you know? That's a fantastic way to meet new people. Anyway, so being yourself isn't the good advice people try to pretend it is? Who said you shouldn't be yourself?
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