Husband being sneaky again..

[Haybanks1548]

Hello everyone. I've never been to this site before but I'm feeling so lonely and all alone in my feelings. I really need some advice and a perspective from people I don't know, because sometimes it's hard for me to judge for myself. Anyway, here's some of my story why I'm here.

Me and my husband have been married for 5 years and we have 3 kids. We obviously had our fights sometimes but all in all everything was good, that I KNOW of at least. But anyway, about 15 months ago I was on his laptop looking up something and discovered that he had saved 4 pictures to a folder of his ex girlfriend. They were together for 3 years back when we were all in high school. So, a while ago. I confronted him about this and he acted like it was no big deal and that the pictures of her were old(which I do believe) but I lnow for a fact that the pics weren't actually saved until about 2012(when I was pregnant by the way). But yeah, he said it was nothing and made some silly excuse. I decided to let this go because it was old news and I had much bigger issues at hand. We had just had a baby born about a month earlier who was born with Down syndrome. It wasn't diagnosed until birth so it was a shock. We were in and out of the NICU for the first 2 months of his life and so life was hard to say the least. One night while we were in the hospital with our son, my husband decided to go to the hotel so he could get a good nights sleep(the hospital was out of town). But he also decided to go to the hotel and get reeeeally drunk and somehow decided it'd be a great idea to send an email to his ex and confide in her about his mother who had recently gotten sick. Meanwhile I was spending the night at the hospital with our child. I saw the email later and although it was nothing sexual, I still thought it highly crossed the line. I only found one of the emails. He had deleted the other and never would tell me what it said.

Once again, he acted like it was not really a big deal and he just needed to confide in someone. But why her?!?!!!!!!

So anyway, other little things have happened in the past year. I feel like every few months her name comes up because I find something out that he's tried to hide. Last December I woke up during the night and couldn't find my husband anywhere. I called and called and finally walked outside and saw his truck running and the light of a phone in there. After he got off the phone he told me that his dad had called him and was needing to talk to him about some issues he was having with his mom. I believed him, without much doubt really. I trusted him. But then the next morning I was up making coffee and heard my husbands phone ring.( he had left it in the kitchen and he was still asleep) I know the number looked familiar but couldn't decide who it was. Then the person texted and said "can you talk? I wanna talk about last night". I finally realized it was my husbands ex gf, the same one I've been taking about. I confronted my husband and he finally had to admit that it wasn't his dad he was out there talking to...it was her. He said she called him drunk and upset and basically had told him that she wasn't over him and she dates other guys but none compare and she just can't seem to forget him. My husband also confided to her that he wasn't very happy either at the moment and at some point she asked why he was even with me and he said something along the lines of "well, the kids". This was a huge devastating blow for me. Crushing. But my husband has a way of making me feel like it was innocent and it was all her and that he only wants to be with me. Once again, I forgave him.

There's also been several times he's admitted to "drunk dialing" her when he was drunk with friend but I think he has said she never answered.

The last time I caught him communicating with her I told him he needed to call or text her and tell her not to call or contact him ever again and I made him block her on his phone. I also blocked her on his Facebook. But I guess I forgot about good ole snapchat!!

Recently I had just been have intuition that something was going on with him but didn't know what. I looked on his snapchat and at first I saw nothing out of the ordinary...just some guy friends. But as I took a closer look a discovered that my husband had been very very sneaky. He had named one of his contacts "Tommy", and he does have a friend Tommy, but when I clicked on the name the screen-name was his ex's screen-name!( yes I know her snapchat screen-name undortuneily due to this happening once before in the past). So basically my husband, in his desperate attempt to hide it from me, put his ex's sn under the name of a guy friend thinking I would never know. I don't know anything about Snapchat but I saw a few Emoji's next to her name and when I did a Google search it showed that those Emoji's meant that they talk every single day and always reply to each other snaps. I also saw that they had been talking for 37 days straight every single day.

When I confronted my husband about this he lied at first but once he realized that I had proof he told me the truth. I asked him what they were talking about and why he would do this to me after promising me that he would never talk to her again and he said that they never talked about anything inappropriatE at all and that they basically just talked about politics, the news, and things going on in the world today.he said that they've never met up and he's never crossed that line. I asked him why would risk our marriage all for just someone to talk to?? He blamed it on him thinking he could be really depressed and that he's just bored. Said he doesn't want to be with her at all and is so sorry and wants me and our family. I finally for the first time had no remorse for him and told him he needed to move out for awhile.

Anyway, I know this isn't about a sexual affair but I believe it's an emotional one. What do you think? If this were the first time my heart would be much more open to forgive and believe him, but seriously I can't even count how many times I've caught him being sneaky and it always involves her. What would yall do? I need advice please. I'm pretty much alone in all of this

[AlwaysGrowing]

Being that you freely gave him second chances...I think it is only fair that he earn any chance you would be willing (if any) to give.

 

If he is unwilling/able to give 110% during this time...knowing that the future of his/your relationship was in full view on the table...it would be unlikely he would be able/willing to do what was necessary with no consequences

[Mr. Lucky]

What would yall do? I need advice please. I'm pretty much alone in all of this

 

He's proven he's not going to stop talking to her. So the ball's in your court.

 

Kids are "sneaky", your husband is a liar. There's a difference.

 

Are you indeed separated? Have you discussed MC? You've got some tough decisions to make about what your boundaries are and what you're willing to do to enforce them. Obviously, letting him off the hook with no consequences has just validated his choices. You'll have to either draw a line in the sand or put up with this for the rest of your married life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Is there any reason this couldn't be a physical affair?

Does she live too far away?

 

I think after he said he was with you for the kids to her, I would have had him leave. You've let him keep doing this, but it's good you've kicked him out.

 

He's lied over and over and tried to make you look crazy.

Is this a seperation?

 

Have you discussed terms of the seperation because next thing he'll be sleeping with her and say you were 'on a break '

 

Your H has shown he can't be trusted. Part of his heart is still with her and if you rugsweep , he'll just sneakily get a second phone and secret email account.

 

He's blown your trust over and over again. You have 3 kids and sure you don't have the time to play Sherlock Holmes where you H and his Ex are concerned.

 

I'm doubting that he was drunk when he emailed about his mom and if you believe they discuss politics and world affairs, then you're way to naive. He's lying and if it was that innocent what hide it.

 

Sorry, but you don't discuss world affairs with an EX who still has a thing for you because you're bored. It's more like sexting and racy pics.

 

What's your plan from here?

What was his attitude when you kicked him out?

He's deceived you repeatedly and the trust is gone.

 

Has he tried to contact you since he's been out of the house?

 

If you're both willing to work on it then I advise MC and you need to set clear boundaries. If he can't live with them, then detach from him emotionally by doing the 180.

[Grapesofwrath]

I understand why you want to believe that this is just an EA and that they are just platonic friends. I can also understand completely how difficult it was for you to make him leave, given the challenges you face at home with 3 kids, one of whom has special needs. Life is not easy for a mom, juggling all of that, and now this.

 

Take a step back: Does it sound plausible to you that a man and a woman text daily about world events, the news, and politics? If that were actually true, why would he run outside and text in his truck, in the middle of the night, alone in the dark?

 

At worst, this is a PA. At best, he is using her as a cowardly escape from his daily family life. Both are unacceptable.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I agree with the notion that now you have told him to leave (separate) he will see this as a free pass to go to her. Know he probably called her the second he was out the door. If she lives close by he was probably in her bed within 5 seconds of being at her door. Gag. No-one talks to the EX about politics and news......specially as she has stated she's not over him. She's basically waving her vagina in his face saying come and get it. Sounds like she is trying to paint you out as a bad person given your hubby has told her how unhappy HE is. What about YOU? Your not affected at all? Your not under stress? Your not calling your ex to chat politics are you. You've given him chance after chance after chance, and he didn't stop the contact knowing it upset you, he took it further underground and made more effort to hide it. Sorry but You already know what this all means.

[cozycottagelg]

I agree, he isn't sneaky, he's a liar. This cycle is mean. You don't deserve this. Hell, the ex doesn't deserve this either!! He needs to man up, make a choice and stick with it.

 

Please note - I am in no way sticking up for the ex, she needs to remove herself from your marriage, I simply meant that he is stringing her along too but talking to her and giving her hopes that they might be together someday.

 

Bull*****.

[Haybanks1548]

OK... What he told me last night through text(I was asking a lot of questions) was that he basically talks to her sometimes because deep down he is pretty sure that she hasn't fully moved on so therefor he knows that he can talk to her. He said he has no urge to actually be with her, but that it's just entertaining to him because she's the total opposite of a wife and kids and the family life. (She's single and totally carefree). He also said another reason is that he still feels guilt over the way he screwed her over way back when they were in highschool dating. He still feels bad for her over that and he doesn't want to be the bad guy and feels the need to somehow make it right. Even though it's been about NINE YEARS ago!!!! Really? You need to still make amends with a high school girlfriend and that's more important than your wife's feelings?? I know she was very hurt from what happened in the past, but it's way way beyond past time to move on from that. We have a family and kids. I told him I feel like he just can't let her go for some reason and when he said he felt sorry for her that really bothered me. I've been through so much recently. I almost died giving birth to our youngest child and he almost died too. Came out unresponsive and not breathing. Life has been crazy. I understand that an escape with someone who has no baggage would be interesting, but I guess I just know the boundaries of marriage. He just never thinks he will get caught.

Anyway to answer someone's question, no I don't think it's possible it has ever been a physical sexual affair. She hasn't lived in the same city as U.S. Since before me and him got married. She has lived about 10 hours away for years...until now! How convenient that she has moved here to our city.

Since he moved out a couple days ago we have kept in contact, mainly about the kids and then my anger comes out and I blow him up with a million questions. He says "I don't know I'm just a dumb ass. I don't want to be with her. I was just bored. Im an idiot". And he says he wants to fix himself and get therapy and get his family back and all that. I don't know if he will really do that or if he will just continue to deceive me. Pretty sad that you can't decide whether your own husband will screw you over...again. He says he's so sorry and he ****ed up and all that...buy WHY does he keep doing it?? I wish he'd just say he liked her. It'd make so much more sense. This makes no sense.

I feel pretty depressed at the moment.

[LifesontheUp]

He also said another reason is that he still feels guilt over the way he screwed her over way back when they were in highschool dating. He still feels bad for her over that and he doesn't want to be the bad guy and feels the need to somehow make it right.

 

He has feelings for her, otherwise why on earth would this bother him after all those years.

 

She has lived about 10 hours away for years...until now! How convenient that she has moved here to our city.

Since he moved out a couple days ago we have kept in contact, mainly about the kids and then my anger comes out and I blow him up with a million questions. He says "I don't know I'm just a dumb ass. I don't want to be with her. I was just bored. Im an idiot". And he says he wants to fix himself and get therapy and get his family back and all that.

 

This would seriously bother me and make me wonder how long they have been talking and have they got together.

 

She has moved to the same city and he has moved out? Why has he moved out? Is it to have the green light to try with her?

[Haybanks1548]

Oh I would also like the add that the night i found this out about the snapchat thing, I was so upset and mad that I texted the ex girlfriend. she responded to me and said that she was so very sorry and that truly all they talk about is politics and silly random stuff. She said she would send him snaps of people at her work, silly videos of her dog and just random dumb stuff. She said it was nothing like that and she just enjoyed his input on some things. She acted like they were just old colleagues or something! She apologized and said she would remove him from her snapchat because she in no way wanted the demise of a family hanging not over her. I reminded her that that all sounded nice except for the fact that she called him a while back drunk saying she couldn't get over him. She replied back and said she took full responsibility for that drunk call and that she was just hurt and vulnerable from a previous breakup.

Ok wait, did I already tell yall this?? I forget. My head is going in all directions. Sorry!

[LifesontheUp]

HB

 

I asked you why he is no longer in the home with you?

[Diezel]

"Again".

 

That's all I needed to read. Keep forgiving, and he'll keep on doing it.

[LifesontheUp]

If she anywhere within a few hours distance to you then he's slept with her.

 

She has moved to the same city. And hubby has moved out...................

[Celestial-dreamer]

He said he has no urge to actually be with her, but that it's just entertaining to him because she's the total opposite of a wife and kids and the family life.

 

IE she IS what your NOT....he finds it entertaining? knowing you don't? Yet he continues to do it knowing he is risking his marriage.

 

He also said another reason is that he still feels guilt over the way he screwed her over way back when they were in highschool dating. He still feels bad for her over that and he doesn't want to be the bad guy and feels the need to somehow make it right.

 

Um....he still feels bad about what he did to her back then? He still has feelings for her then. When your over someone, they mean NOTHING to you. He doesn't want to be the bad guy to her? but he's happy to alienate YOU....his wife.

 

He just never thinks he will get caught.

 

No cheater ever thinks they will be caught, you've caught him how many times now?

 

She hasn't lived in the same city as U.S. Since before me and him got married. She has lived about 10 hours away for years...until now! How convenient that she has moved here to our city.

 

Convenience doesn't come into it....your husband probably convinced her to come. One reason why.

 

He says "I don't know I'm just a dumb ass. I don't want to be with her. I was just bored. Im an idiot".

 

He doesn't want to be with her? but he is happy for you to walk out on him, risking his marriage, so he can talk politics to her? Yeah sure. So he's bored and having his ego stroked by his ex...who has told him she isn't over him, and has now moved to your city. Alarm bells should be ringing loud right now.

 

I don't know if he will really do that or if he will just continue to deceive me. Pretty sad that you can't decide whether your own husband will screw you over...again. He says he's so sorry and he ****ed up and all that...buy WHY does he keep doing it?? I wish he'd just say he liked her. It'd make so much more sense. This makes no sense.

I feel pretty depressed at the moment.

 

Will he continue to deceive you? (do you mean after the several times he's already done it) YES. Will he will stop contacting her? NOPE. How many times have you caught him doing it, told him it bothers you? And what did he do? just change his mode of contact hoping you wouldn't find out. That's not trying to save his marriage. He is screwing you over right now. Why? because up to now you have let him get away with it.

Maybe he will tell you he has stopped talking to her, but simply move on to a burner phone that you will have no knowledge about.

 

Now she is living in your city he has easy access to her, and she is waving herself in front of him. She knows it's upsetting you but won't stop? she is after your man. But I could be wrong on all of this, it could totally be innocent chat about politics and news with the odd funny dog vid thrown in. That's why he goes to lengths to hide it from you instead of sharing it. Of course, makes sense.

[Haybanks1548]

Lifesontheup, he moved out because I forced him to. Once I found out the other night that he had been talking to his ex on snapchat..not only talking to her but disguising her name as one of his guy friends name so I wouldn't notice it...that was it for me. My breaking point. So I told him to get his stuff and go.

[LifesontheUp]

Good for you HB. You have made a stand and shown him you will not put up with his c**p any longer. He has disrespected you so many times.

 

Take your time to think things through, take support from family and friends and do not rush back into anything with him.

 

Hugs

[Grapesofwrath]

OK... What he told me last night through text(I was asking a lot of questions) was that he basically talks to her sometimes because deep down he is pretty sure that she hasn't fully moved on so therefor he knows that he can talk to her. He said he has no urge to actually be with her, but that it's just entertaining to him because she's the total opposite of a wife and kids and the family life. (She's single and totally carefree). He also said another reason is that he still feels guilt over the way he screwed her over way back when they were in highschool dating. He still feels bad for her over that and he doesn't want to be the bad guy and feels the need to somehow make it right. Even though it's been about NINE YEARS ago!!!! Really? You need to still make amends with a high school girlfriend and that's more important than your wife's feelings?? I know she was very hurt from what happened in the past, but it's way way beyond past time to move on from that. We have a family and kids. I told him I feel like he just can't let her go for some reason and when he said he felt sorry for her that really bothered me. I've been through so much recently. I almost died giving birth to our youngest child and he almost died too. Came out unresponsive and not breathing. Life has been crazy. I understand that an escape with someone who has no baggage would be interesting, but I guess I just know the boundaries of marriage. He just never thinks he will get caught.

Anyway to answer someone's question, no I don't think it's possible it has ever been a physical sexual affair. She hasn't lived in the same city as U.S. Since before me and him got married. She has lived about 10 hours away for years...until now! How convenient that she has moved here to our city.

Since he moved out a couple days ago we have kept in contact, mainly about the kids and then my anger comes out and I blow him up with a million questions. He says "I don't know I'm just a dumb ass. I don't want to be with her. I was just bored. Im an idiot". And he says he wants to fix himself and get therapy and get his family back and all that. I don't know if he will really do that or if he will just continue to deceive me. Pretty sad that you can't decide whether your own husband will screw you over...again. He says he's so sorry and he ****ed up and all that...buy WHY does he keep doing it?? I wish he'd just say he liked her. It'd make so much more sense. This makes no sense.

I feel pretty depressed at the moment.

 

His words mean nothing. His apologies mean nothing. His weak explanations mean nothing. Look at his actions. His actions tell you everything you need to know.

 

Is he still in contact with her? If yes, I'd say cut your losses and call a lawyer.

[dubliner]

Regardless of whether or not they've got sexual, the bottom line is he has deceived you, he has continually lied and hidden this relationship from you with no thought for your feelings.

You gave him a chance to end it and honour his commitment to you and your kids and he threw it back in your face...not just once.

 

Take things slowly, let your anger and hurt settle before you decide where to go from here. It's pretty clear he's one selfish and devious individual, can you see that changing with therapy? How will he earn your trust if you were to take him back given that he went to such lengths to deceive you already?

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm so very sorry that you're going through all of this. I know how devastating it is. It's called heart-break for a reason! It actually feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I recently discovered my husbands emotional affair with his ex. The betrayal has made me physically sick. I found many of their emails so I have a bit clearer picture but I'm still guessing most of what's been going on. Trickle truth, lies, cruelty...ugh!!

 

We've reached the point that we're having some open, honest conversations. Life got stressful. She happened to contact him (as she's done a couple of times a year since they split) when he was particularly depressed & life was getting too much. The pure fantasy of it, feeling 'wanted' & 'special' was more than he could resist. He wanted to escape the everyday pressures.

I'm not making excuses for your husband. I'm in far too much pain to ever do that! I don't think it's a coincidence that all this coincides with the birth of your special needs child. Rather than facing reality, dealing with the pain, supporting & loving you when you needed him the most he CHOSE to play on memory lane & loose himself in a fantasy. My H has been doing the same things. Making me feel crazy & pathetic. Playing the 'just friends' card. Feeling bad for the past & all the other crap. Promising it was over, again & again. Leaving me to go crazy hunting for evidence.

 

I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. I WISH I had some great advise for ME!! I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. It's hell trying to be positive & perky for little kids while you're ripping apart inside. It's a living nightmare. I'm 'fortunate' & she lives over 1,000 miles away so I can be sure that they haven't had sex. Getting angry & finding as much evidence as possible to start completing the puzzle of what's actually being going on in my life for the last 9 months has helped. For me, anger is so much 'healthier' than depression & despair!

 

My thoughts are with you. I wish I could give you a hug & tell you that everything's going to be ok but I'm not sure it is. Take your time & truly find what you want. You deserve so much better than this. Cuddle your babies & think what advise you would give them if they were in your situation. My self esteme hit rock bottom. Thinking what I would want for my daughter was easier than thinking about what I wanted for myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yet he continues to do it knowing he is risking his marriage.

 

A telling point. One of the main reason people lie in these situations is to protect something important to them. And in this case, the value to him is such that he's willing to risk his relationship with you to maintain one with her.

 

If you're going to reconnect and recover as married partners, he's going to need to own that and make a decision.

 

Would you be willing to go to MC together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grumpybutfun]

OP, something to consider....he is risking his marriage because he is insecure and pathetic and needs some other woman to stroke his ego. Your husband is immature and wants to be single without kids and a wife. There is a pattern here just from what you wrote, and I'm pretty sure this was an affair since an affair, even emotional consists of using duplicity to share feelings and emotions outside of marriage.

You both need MC just to work out how to fix or discard this marriage. Then you need assistance with your children in case of a divorce. I know this is difficult, but people rarely change on their own, especially if they keep getting by with it. Find the best lawyer you can and start figuring out your options if his behavior continues or he refuses marriage counseling for infidelity and dishonesty.

Good luck,

Grumps

[elaine567]

#18 - she told him to get his stuff and go and he has gone.