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Posted (edited)

I've had time to reflect, process my emotions and evaluate the relationship from a logical and objective standpoint and the truth is left standing there:

 

My ex boyfriend was "the one" and I lost him.

 

He was the man that I always dreamed of but never thought existed. Surely, I could meet another great guy in the future but he won't be *as* great. Surely, there are other guys with nice qualities but they won't have *all* of the nice qualities that my ex did. You may try to reason with me and say that most people falsely put their ex on a pedestal, but he truly deserves to be there. He had nothing but the best intentions and treated me with so much love, care and respect. He never, ever did anything wrong to me. I don't miss being in a relationship, I miss HIM.

 

I've had three other relationships before him and on some level (ranging from mild to intense) I always missed my ex at the time, but, after a bit of time and thought, I could always see why being apart was for the best and could always point out some inherent "flaw" about them that I didn't like. With my most recent ex however, there is nothing. NOTHING. I didn't just love him as a boyfriend - I love him as a person - for who he genuinely is. He has set the bar so high that I don't see how someone else will ever compare and I feel like I am going to be lonely for years and years to come.

 

The worst part is that the breakup is all my fault and the amount of regret I feel weighs down on me like a ton of bricks. I started silly arguments towards the end and treated him coldly (due to personal issues and depression) and he eventually couldn't take it. I know he still loves me but I guess love is not enough in this case. He has mentioned maybe getting together in the future once we both heal but I've taken that with a grain of salt.

 

How do I get over this tremendous feeling of loss? How do I live knowing I lost something so rare and so special? How can I accept that I will inevitably have to settle for less? I am so, so sad.

Edited by jasxo
Posted

This is a pretty typical case of putting your ex on a pedestal. There may not be anything wrong with him (that you see now) but im sure you'll find someone you are more compatible with in the future.

  • Like 2
Posted

Your ex is a completely ordinary person.

 

Just like you.

 

Just like me.

 

Ordinary is good.

  • Like 2
Posted

I always get that feeling about exes. But you're not being objective. He's obviously not perfect for you or you would still be together. Idk the details of what happened, but if someone truly loves you, there's very little you could do to get them to not want to be with you anymore. Unless you abused him or cheated or something serious along those lines.

 

But if you just started arguments or were distant, that's normal relationship issues. The one for you isn't going to dump you, he's going to stick it out and try to work on it, especially if he knew you were having personal issues/depression. You don't want someone who will bail when the going gets tough. I'm sure the breakup was not entirely your fault. He had a choice in how he decided to handle it.

 

I like to think that the universe always has something better in store for us. But you won't find it if you always think of your ex. There is ALWAYS somebody better.

 

I was hung up on my ex for awhile. Never thought I'd ever want anyone else. Then I met someone and she was the center of my universe for like a year. I thought I was going to marry her. Then those feelings died and she was't the one anymore. So I was lonely again and didn't think I'd meet someone I was attracted to. Then I did. That didn't pan out at all, but I know that there will someone else eventually. There always is. There's billions of people on this planet, one day soon you'll see that your ex is not that rare or special.

  • Like 5
Posted

Yeah it's tough as hell to think someone out there better for you exists but it's true.. It just takes time.

  • Like 1
Posted

I share alot of your feelings. But logically I can see it is more a case of guilt and self blame twisting my perception and heightening my feelings for him.

 

Kinda like this:

 

if he left = i did something wrong = i'm bad

if I'm bad = he's good

if i can get the good guy back = makes me not so bad = ill feel better

 

That's my reasoning.

 

That doesn't get rid of all those unique parts of your ex that you love, the stuff only they have that no one else has. You might always love and miss those. They're in your heart and no reasoning can touch that. That also means that you can in future find someone elses uniqueness loveable just as much or even more so. You don't see other peoples great qualities yet because your not ready and you haven't fallen in love and it takes time to see these things about people.

 

I bet you didn't meet your ex and instantly love everything about him. It took time. You fell in love. You could fall again.

  • Like 1
Posted
The worst part is that the breakup is all my fault and the amount of regret I feel weighs down on me like a ton of bricks. I started silly arguments towards the end and treated him coldly (due to personal issues and depression) and he eventually couldn't take it.
I wish my ex would think like you someday. She did the same thing as you; became cold and distant, started dumb fights in an effort to push me away. It worked.

 

While I bet you will find someone else someday, I think you are doing the right thing by evaluating your behavior. You self-sabotage. You are going to want to engage in some counseling to learn how to manage your emotions without hurting those closest to you. I understand that you feel regret; take it as a learning experience, and vow to be better to your next partner.

 

As someone who was hurt and pushed away, I won't be giving her any chances to do that again. Hence my radio silence and unwillingness to engage her. It sounds like you have done some serious introspection. That's commendable. Hoping you treat your next partner better.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

I can't stop beating myself up over this. Wish I could go back in time.

Posted
I can't stop beating myself up over this. Wish I could go back in time.

 

 

 

SO, what is all this thinking about him being "the one" and wishing you could go back in time doing for you in regards to healing and moving forward?

 

 

At some point you need to say to yourself "ok, I screwed up, he doesn't want me and I have to let go and move on".

 

 

My point is, your wallowing in this pit of despair and self pity and grief isn't going to accomplish anything but make you miserable. EVERYONE has made mistakes and has regrets. They accept them, forgive themselves and let it go so they can enjoy their lives.

  • Like 2
Posted
My point is, your wallowing in this pit of despair and self pity and grief isn't going to accomplish anything but make you miserable. EVERYONE has made mistakes and has regrets. They accept them, forgive themselves and let it go so they can enjoy their lives.

^Exactly!

 

Making mistakes is part of learning. It's knowledge based on practical experience. We've all make big mistakes and have regrets because we are human. Once you own it then you can use it to your advantage by not repeating the same actions in the future.

 

The one for you isn't going to dump you, he's going to stick it out and try to work on it, especially if he knew you were having personal issues/depression.

^This is so very true.

 

If you were going through some hardships and he decides to drop you like a lead balloon, then you know for certain he doesn't care what happens to you. People can be selfish and cruel, this is a fact of life. Sometimes it's the ones closest to us who we thought would never do us harm that will hurt us the most. I'd rather find out sooner than later before getting in too deep, like marriage and kids. I have no room in my life for these type of people. They can all go to hell as far as I'm concerned.

Posted

You need to take him off from that pedestal. He's not the best. I can tell you he's certainly not better than me. :p

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
But if you just started arguments or were distant, that's normal relationship issues. The one for you isn't going to dump you, he's going to stick it out and try to work on it, especially if he knew you were having personal issues/depression. You don't want someone who will bail when the going gets tough. I'm sure the breakup was not entirely your fault. He had a choice in how he decided to handle it.

 

The arguments that I started were completely unnecessary and only happened because I was really on edge. He truly didn't deserve the way I was lashing out at him and I don't think anything was his fault, although I do think it was something we could have worked through and resolved.

Posted

Oh hun, I am so sorry to hear the pain you are going through, I really am *hug*. Do you think there is anyway you can reach out to him (via letter/email)?

 

I am going through a very recent and raw break up myself so I completely understand how you are feeling at the moment. Try to be strong x

Posted
I always get that feeling about exes. But you're not being objective. He's obviously not perfect for you or you would still be together. Idk the details of what happened, but if someone truly loves you, there's very little you could do to get them to not want to be with you anymore. Unless you abused him or cheated or something serious along those lines.

 

But if you just started arguments or were distant, that's normal relationship issues. The one for you isn't going to dump you, he's going to stick it out and try to work on it, especially if he knew you were having personal issues/depression. You don't want someone who will bail when the going gets tough. I'm sure the breakup was not entirely your fault. He had a choice in how he decided to handle it.

 

I like to think that the universe always has something better in store for us. But you won't find it if you always think of your ex. There is ALWAYS somebody better.

 

I was hung up on my ex for awhile. Never thought I'd ever want anyone else. Then I met someone and she was the center of my universe for like a year. I thought I was going to marry her. Then those feelings died and she was't the one anymore. So I was lonely again and didn't think I'd meet someone I was attracted to. Then I did. That didn't pan out at all, but I know that there will someone else eventually. There always is. There's billions of people on this planet, one day soon you'll see that your ex is not that rare or special.

 

I agree with most of the above post but not the bolded. While I think the OP is definitely idealizing her BF, I think it is not a bad thing for her to realize where she may need to work on herself.

 

It is dangerous to assume that our SOs will be prepared to work through issues because they love us. I mean, they should work through issues, but if you are talking about chronic behaviours that make the relationship unpleasant, then I think a person is well within their rights to walk away without being labelled as uncaring or uncommitted.

Posted

I feel the exact same way as you. I cannot help but feel guilty, or feel like everything was my fault - whereas my ex was the 'perfect' guy. And it's really killing me as well.

Posted

You make mistakes, and sometimes they have a high price. You need to learn from them and move on, applying what you learned.

 

There is no ONE ideal match for any of us, but finding another is work. It may take time and meeting a hundred or more new men, but eventually one will be right. Of course, if you compare each to your ex, none will measure up. You have to take each on their own merits, and give the better ones time to let you discover just how good they really are.

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