jen1447 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Curious.... Have you had him over to your place where he is away from the beer snd games et all--how is he? If you like the potential you could try and change him snd tell homie hat you font like. Do you know how much he makes? Can he afford to live at his own apartment? "Tell homie hat you font like?" 1
Author kmae Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 He makes more than I do, and I barely make ends meet to have my own place all by myself. I have had him at my place. He used to love it in the beginning, just to have been able to stay over. OVer time, I noticed he preferred having me at his place. Now he hardly comes at all. Yes, we see each other almost every day, he still treats me as much.... but on the nights we sleep together, he prefers that I stay over at his place. Mainly because he takes the bus to work too, so that gives him one more hour of sleep. HIs mom does seem an enabler. She asked me, concerned, why I have a place of my own and if something is wrong in my relationship to my mom. I expressed I like my freedom. Then she said, "Yeah, but it's hard these days to live alone. That's why I let my kids live with me." Um, yeah... She IS a nice lady, and he DOES help her out, though. But still. Curious.... Have you had him over to your place where he is away from the beer snd games et all--how is he? If you like the potential you could try and change him snd tell homie hat you font like. Do you know how much he makes? Can he afford to live at his own apartment? 1
Author kmae Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 I don't think enough info has been provided here. How can we say whether or not you should break up with your boyfriend when you include no info about yourself? If you are a well established woman with a great career, your own home, I can understand why this guy might not be a good match for you. However, if you are staying with other people, working at a low paying job, and have no real hobbies or interests in life, then this guy might not be such a bad match. Just saw that you have your own place. It pretty much all comes down to that, I suppose. I have a college degree, a job that affords having my own place, I don't drink much, never was the party type but wanted to experience that. My hobbies are writing, reading, exercising my body and mind, seeing new landmarks, etc. I sleep all night and would like to be with someone who I know will also be asleep on the nights when I'm not able to stay up all night with him drinking or having fun. It's been ok so far because I had the summer off. In terms of pay, he actually makes more than I do! But what he does with it is concerning. Now, he's perfect for a summer fling. But if I really stick around longer, all this is concerning. 2
popcornpuff Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Here's a piece of advice that I once received myself. If you are thinking of marrying someone, imagine their bad habits multiplied by 10. Is that something you can live with? 5
mrldii Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Here's a piece of advice that I once received myself. If you are thinking of marrying someone, imagine their bad habits multiplied by 10. Is that something you can live with? That's danged good advice! I'm filing it right next to some other good advice I once heard: "When choosing whom to marry, pick the person who bothers you the least." 2
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 If you love him let him know that and bring up these issues in an even handed way, otherwise you're just setting the relationship that you seem to like to fail. Give him a chance, if he doesn't want to change, then you can leave him and have no regrets. This website needs a smoking smilie. 1
kilgore Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 That's danged good advice! I'm filing it right next to some other good advice I once heard: "When choosing whom to marry, pick the person who bothers you the least." Or assume that he/she never changes - is that ok with you? 1
TunaCat Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I don't mind a significant other still living at home. I still live at home and I'll be 30 at the end of this year. BUT hearing that he likes to eat a lot of junk food, play video games, and do a lot of drinking & all nighters, is not good. I would totally consider his habits to be more of a dealbreaker than the fact that he still lives at home. 1
mrldii Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Or assume that he/she never changes - is that ok with you? EXCELLENT advice...for both men and women. I've always heard the old adage, "A man falls in love with a woman, hoping she'll never change; a woman falls in love with a man, hoping he will." My own personal experience has been 4/4: each of the men I'VE been serious with have made it their personal mission to change just about every little thing about me, to *make* me a "better person" and "for my own good". Jeebus...if I was that *awful*, why'd ya fall in love with me to begin with?!? 1
Author kmae Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 O yea, not about the education at all. I'm comfortable in my own classical femininity, and prefer that the guy makes more than I do ayway. (Not the typical modern woman who feels threatened by a guy making more, lol). That is not the issue. Education was simply for refinement. I don't mind if a guy is a little more roughened and less cultivated. Just seems like you're incompatible with the guy. He seems to be more into his having fun all the time phase is all. Different life stages is a legit reason to break things off. I wouldn't hold the lack of an education against him. As you say, he even makes more money than you do. In many cases, some of those formal educations aren't worth much.
Author kmae Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 I TOTALLY agree with you. I wouldn't mind that much either. I think what bothers me the most is the excessive drinking (almost every day--- and that is after having reduced it, he says he used to drink a lot more), and the all nighters. On the nights when we don't hang out, he pretty much stays up all night playing video games, posting his scores on social media and eating junk food with his friends, posting and checking in to local taco or burger places at 3am with the guys. eek! His friends are all single, much fatter and unattractive than he is (he's only slightly overweight with an adorable face). My summer vacation ends soon, I won't be able to stay up late nights with him very often anymore. I'm sure we'll work things out on days when we're both off together, that's not the problem-- the problem is knowing that he'll be up all night when i'm not around. Not an issue now, but it will be if I get more deeply involved with him. So yeah.... I don't mind a significant other still living at home. I still live at home and I'll be 30 at the end of this year. BUT hearing that he likes to eat a lot of junk food, play video games, and do a lot of drinking & all nighters, is not good. I would totally consider his habits to be more of a dealbreaker than the fact that he still lives at home.
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 You already know your answer. No, it's not you. This is not the kind of man you know you want to be with. Reality is some guys (and girls) have great personalities but aren't responsible and can't live a grown up life. At 31, this won't change. You know the answer.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Agreed, OP, it sounds like deep down you know you can do better than this guy. A 31 year old grown ass man who still lives with his mother? Hell, no! In this guy's defense, the OP did say that he lives w-his mom to help her out. But on the other hand, he has a Peter Pan mentality of always wanting to be a kid with the video games, toys, etc and doesn't seem to have much responsibility at all blowing all his money every month and drinking way too much. So a guy living w-his mom because she needs his help is actually not a bad thing at all. But the guy should be judged for his lifestyle and lack of responsibility IMO. 1
Phoe Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Video games are not a big deal so long as they don't interfere with real life (I'm a gamer so I am more than okay with men who love video games). Living with mom/parents/family is okay so long as it's not a permanent situation and the person has a reason (I moved in with family after a bad layoff from a job, I know many folks live with family to be a caretaker). But then you mentioned binge drinking and I said "NOPE". Don't care what other reasons he has for any of the other things going on. Binge drinking is a huge NOPE. He could be living on his own, totally devoid of all the other issues you mentioned, and the binge drinking alone, would be a no. That is HUGE. Psychologically, emotionally, physically... binge drinking is way too destructive to wave off. 4
mr_dave Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Isn't it interesting that we have men his age range posting on here that are educated, stable, in shape, advanced career wise and can't find a girlfriend but this 'parasite' sorry OP but that is what he is, this parasite manages to have a girlfriend. Notice how none of those criteria you mentioned are to do with his personality and how he treats his girlfriend. As long as a guy has a flashy job title, went to a decent school, and is making good money, that's all that matters... Plenty of crappy people (child molesters, adulterers etc) have powerful jobs and material possessions, women who value that over a man's core being deserve to end up with such people. OP ask yourself, if this man has you as a girlfriend, what does it say about you? It says that she's not shallow (unlike some posters here) and lends weight to a guy's personality when deciding whether to give him a chance. Kudos to her! 1
No_Go Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 OP, I read the tread carefully. I've been there -t wice - once with a 46 yo, other - 29 yo, it is not the age, NOT talking about the living/financial situation either. I'm discussing the DRINKING PROBLEM: - does it every day (dependence, he'll of course reject it if you ask directly) - primary source of fun: bars (dependence+friends with SAME problem) - BIG ONE: all nighters (I'm sadly familiar with alcoholics as mentioned - this is a tell tale sign even if you've never seen them drunk. They invert day and night as a consequence, NOT cause, of the drinking problem.... I wish I knew this before moving in with my alcoholic ex or current roommate) - video games is a consequence of the all nighters, so as junk food If you don't address the problem, and he does not change his habits, he'll EXHAUST you (I was falling asleep at work in my relationships of that type...). Talk to him. And if close enough, to his mom or friends. They know how it is. The rest are "white" problems. I TOTALLY agree with you. I wouldn't mind that much either. I think what bothers me the most is the excessive drinking (almost every day--- and that is after having reduced it, he says he used to drink a lot more), and the all nighters. On the nights when we don't hang out, he pretty much stays up all night playing video games, posting his scores on social media and eating junk food with his friends, posting and checking in to local taco or burger places at 3am with the guys. eek! His friends are all single, much fatter and unattractive than he is (he's only slightly overweight with an adorable face). My summer vacation ends soon, I won't be able to stay up late nights with him very often anymore. I'm sure we'll work things out on days when we're both off together, that's not the problem-- the problem is knowing that he'll be up all night when i'm not around. Not an issue now, but it will be if I get more deeply involved with him. So yeah....
Author kmae Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 YEAH! The all nighters have been EXHAUSTING, even though it's summer and I've been on vacation. They've been fun, but not something I see myself keeping up after i go back to work. So what is it about alcoholics and all nighters? I had never dated a guy like this, so I don't know. You would think they'd want to sleep more! Lol. - BIG ONE: all nighters (I'm sadly familiar with alcoholics as mentioned - this is a tell tale sign even if you've never seen them drunk. They invert day and night as a consequence, NOT cause, of the drinking problem.... I wish I knew this before moving in with my alcoholic ex or current roommate) - video games is a consequence of the all nighters, so as junk food
No_Go Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Just my personal experience with alcoholics: they get irregular sleeping schedules, shifting progressively towards turning the night in a day. I'm not a specialist, but I think it has to do with the following: 1) the fact that is "socially acceptable" to drink in the evenings 2) alcoholics develop high tolerance, i.e. need more and more to get drunk 1) is why they start late, 2) is why they end late E.g. my ex would start at 7sh, and start "feeling it" after the 14-16!! beer... 10 hours later. This is how bad it can get He was low weight too, I can't imagine how much someone heavier will "need" Also, I need to think what the exact metabolic reason is, but alcoholics often binge EAT at night (maybe alcohol lowers blood sugar or dehydrates them)... This also disrupts their sleep cycles, as well as the ones of people like you or me that happen to be around them... See also this: Alcoholism Signs and Symptoms YEAH! The all nighters have been EXHAUSTING, even though it's summer and I've been on vacation. They've been fun, but not something I see myself keeping up after i go back to work. So what is it about alcoholics and all nighters? I had never dated a guy like this, so I don't know. You would think they'd want to sleep more! Lol.
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