kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I'm thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, but before I do I wonder what the general population thinks about my reasons for it. Perhaps I'M the one who is wrong? I've been with him for four months. He's a sweet guy, expressive, romantic, generous, fun, and we generally speak the same love language. On the flip side, time has opened my eyes to the unpleasant side of his personality-- He's my age (31), but still a kid. Obsessed with video games, comics, toys, all-nighters, drinking beer, and lives with his mom. He drinks almost every night, and used to drink more before; I can't imagine how anyone could possibly drink more! He doesn't sleep, stays up all night playing video games, doesn't eat all day and will pig out on junk food at night. Just overall terrible habits of a high school kid. He has a job and makes good money, but he lives paycheck to paycheck because he spends it all on drinks, outings, and just giving it to whoever needs it (homeless, whoever asks in his family, or his friends-- he has a big family and lots of friends and someone always seems to need help from him-- a bigger concern is that he doesn't know how to say no). He says he wants to marry me and move in together someday; he invited me to move in with him now, but no way I'd move in to his mom's. He says he lives with her because he has to help her, but I doubt that with the way he's used to squandering money, he could live alone-- he'd have to change a lot of his habits. Anyway, I don't feel like lecturing a grown man about any of this four months into a relationship. I feel like just realizing we have very different habits and calling it quits. Is it too drastic or am I mature enough to see the incompatibilities early enough to walk away peacefully? It's not all bad, of course. We have a lot of fun and i care about him. He's a sweet charming guy with a great heart. Just not sure if he's long-term material, as much as he expresses he wants that with me.
S_A Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Mom, video games, toys, beer, late night junk food.... Any one of those things by itself would not necessarily be a red flag... But dang girl, all those things rolled up into one guy? I think its time to move on, but I'd be honest with him with regard to the reason why you're ending it. He really needs to learn from this experience. Don't sugar coat any of it. If you both got married, it'd be much of the same. He'd continue the same behaviors that he's exhibited at his mom's place. Also, on a side note, I think when a person plays video games and does not eat throughout the day, binges on junk food late at night, and does not sleep, is a person that tends to be addicted to video games. 6
empresario Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 It doesn't sound like he wants to change. He is being whom he wants to be. The question is, can you live with that? Sounds like he is suffering with addiction and probably has an addictive personality. 3
Oregon_Dude Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 You already know your answer. No, it's not you. This is not the kind of man you know you want to be with. 1
oberkeat Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Agreed, OP, it sounds like deep down you know you can do better than this guy. A 31 year old grown ass man who still lives with his mother? Hell, no! 2
Author kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 To be fair to him, I haven't asked him to change or told him how this bothers me. As a matter of fact, it hasn't bothered me much until now. I was just having a fun summer, but as time goes by and we seem to get more serious, that's when these questions have popped up in my mind. The funny thing is that this is the wildest I have ever been-- to date a guy like him and go on such adventures as clubbing, drinking several times a week, and doing all-nighters with him. For him, this is the quietest he's ever been-- to stay up all night ONLY a few times a week, to not drink as much as before, or game as much. THis is mainly due to the fact that he has a full time job now. I'm used to dating guys who are into books, museums, culture, etc. This guy didn't even finish high school. Definitely something different for me, and surely I have lived more this summer than ever before. I would NOT take it back. But I wonder if I should take it BEYOND summer. Don't know if I could live with it, or if it's fair to tell him what bothers me about him. I have always been the "take it or leave it" type of person since I don't think it's fair to try to change people. He has, however, told me to tell him if anything bothers me about him, to change him, etc. Not sure how I could go about that, if I should, and if I did, would the change last. It doesn't sound like he wants to change. He is being whom he wants to be. The question is, can you live with that? Sounds like he is suffering with addiction and probably has an addictive personality.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 A 31 year old grown ass man who still lives with his mother? Hell, no!I'm going to let you in on a slightly embarrassing secret. I'm a 31 year old guy who is currently living at home. However, it's temporary, I ran out of money after an ex-GF drained my account; I'm studying to be a counselor while working, and focusing on my sobriety. So, I would caution you not to write someone off just for living at home. Most often, it's temporary. Also, the person living at home has to have goals and want to better themselves. Anyway. Just a thought! 2
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I would be embarrassed to introduce a man like that as my boyfriend to anyone.... even to my dog. 6
Author kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I totally agree with you! But as S_A said, a COMBINATION of ALL OF THE ABOVE in ONE GUY. It's hard because he is SUCH a sweet guy and does treat me out all the time. It's the fact that he wants to take this seriously, and I feel like I am falling for him that way too, that scares me. He squanders his money, otherwise he would be able to afford a place I'm going to let you in on a slightly embarrassing secret. I'm a 31 year old guy who is currently living at home. However, it's temporary, I ran out of money after an ex-GF drained my account; I'm studying to be a counselor while working, and focusing on my sobriety. So, I would caution you not to write someone off just for living at home. Most often, it's temporary. Also, the person living at home has to have goals and want to better themselves. Anyway. Just a thought!
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I totally agree with you! But as S_A said, a COMBINATION of ALL OF THE ABOVE in ONE GUY. It's hard because he is SUCH a sweet guy and does treat me out all the time. It's the fact that he wants to take this seriously, and I feel like I am falling for him that way too, that scares me. He squanders his money, otherwise he would be able to afford a place Sweet is not enough to cancel out the laziness, junk food, up all night, and the constant drinking. Your life will be a living hell with this man. You're gonna come home to a dirty house with a boyfriend sleeping on the couch with his game on. Give it a couple more years and his big beer gut will welcome you. 3
Author kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 He already has a beer gut! I've seen pictures of when he was younger and he was soooo fit. I am still as fit as back then because I like waking up early and jogging a few times a week. Sweet is not enough to cancel out the laziness, junk food, up all night, and the constant drinking. Your life will be a living hell with this man. You're gonna come home to a dirty house with a boyfriend sleeping on the couch with his game on. Give it a couple more years and his big beer gut will welcome you.
empresario Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 To be fair to him, I haven't asked him to change or told him how this bothers me. As a matter of fact, it hasn't bothered me much until now. I was just having a fun summer, but as time goes by and we seem to get more serious, that's when these questions have popped up in my mind. The funny thing is that this is the wildest I have ever been-- to date a guy like him and go on such adventures as clubbing, drinking several times a week, and doing all-nighters with him. For him, this is the quietest he's ever been-- to stay up all night ONLY a few times a week, to not drink as much as before, or game as much. THis is mainly due to the fact that he has a full time job now. I'm used to dating guys who are into books, museums, culture, etc. This guy didn't even finish high school. Definitely something different for me, and surely I have lived more this summer than ever before. I would NOT take it back. But I wonder if I should take it BEYOND summer. Don't know if I could live with it, or if it's fair to tell him what bothers me about him. I have always been the "take it or leave it" type of person since I don't think it's fair to try to change people. He has, however, told me to tell him if anything bothers me about him, to change him, etc. Not sure how I could go about that, if I should, and if I did, would the change last. Alright, you haven't asked him to change. Here's a spoiler alert: he wouldn't change even if you asked him to. People never do when told/asked. They change if they WANT to change. I mean, people may fake change for a while...but unless he has the proverbial 'come to Jesus' moment he won't. And I'm glad you don't regret your experiences. You shouldn't ever have regrets. You are a sum of your experiences. However, it sounds like you demand more. You demand culture. Intelligence. Class. You enjoyed the party stage that you never had, and most people would probably admit they went through one. Is the nostalgia gone? Is that for you long-term? It's up to you to decide. If you aren't happy now, then added stressors like marriage, kids, financial problems...they will break you. 5
Author kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Goodness.... you speak true wisdom. I couldn't agree more. Alright, you haven't asked him to change. Here's a spoiler alert: he wouldn't change even if you asked him to. People never do when told/asked. They change if they WANT to change. I mean, people may fake change for a while...but unless he has the proverbial 'come to Jesus' moment he won't. And I'm glad you don't regret your experiences. You shouldn't ever have regrets. You are a sum of your experiences. However, it sounds like you demand more. You demand culture. Intelligence. Class. You enjoyed the party stage that you never had, and most people would probably admit they went through one. Is the nostalgia gone? Is that for you long-term? It's up to you to decide. If you aren't happy now, then added stressors like marriage, kids, financial problems...they will break you.
Mrin Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Alright, you haven't asked him to change. Here's a spoiler alert: he wouldn't change even if you asked him to. People never do when told/asked. They change if they WANT to change. I mean, people may fake change for a while...but unless he has the proverbial 'come to Jesus' moment he won't. There is so much truth here it is hard to look at it without shades. 1
RecentChange Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Uff... I certainly wouldn't want to get into anything "serious" with a guy like this! No F'ing way!! And I like to party, I like to have fun.... I am fairly "young at heart" - but from how you have described this guy?! I tell ya what - there are lots of other 30 year olds that like to have fun, but still have their **** together as well. My partner and I are in our mid 30's (I am about to turn 37, he is 35). We still go out and have fun - just last night we were paintin' the town till 1 am - and we both got up early the next day, in our OWN HOUSE (because you know, we are independent of our parents and pay our own bills) and go to work! We have lots of friends in our age range (and younger of course) who still like to go out, have fun - but we don't live with our parents, and we don't play video games, and eat like a 13 year old. And don't ask him to change, NEVER go into a relationship expecting someone to change. As for someone mentioning not to write off 30 year olds that live at home - going "back home" while finishing school, or recovering from a financial hardship is one thing - as this guy EVER lived on his own like an ADULT? 1
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 The drinking which then causes him to live paycheck to paycheck screams irresponsibility. Living with Mommy at age 31 because she is enabler just seals the deal. Date him if you like some aspect of your relationship but do not assume that he will grow up any time soon. As soon as Peter Pan stops being fun walk away. 1
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Isn't it interesting that we have men his age range posting on here that are educated, stable, in shape, advanced career wise and can't find a girlfriend but this 'parasite' sorry OP but that is what he is, this parasite manages to have a girlfriend. OP ask yourself, if this man has you as a girlfriend, what does it say about you?
Oregon_Dude Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Gaeta, lots of unstable, weird people have GFs/BFs. Being in a relationship is in no way an indicator of maturity or adulthood. Unfortunately though, many of us internalize being single as "there's something wrong with me". Nope, just where we are right now. 4
jen1447 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He already has a beer gut! I've seen pictures of when he was younger and he was soooo fit. I am still as fit as back then because I like waking up early and jogging a few times a week. Hm, regardless of all the rest I see this as a major issue. It sounds like you already resent him and see an inequality in value between the two of you in terms of fitness. Resentment only goes downhill and turns into anger and disgust, and the inequality will likely make you feel like a different tier of person compared to him eventually - alienation follows. All bad. 1
kilgore Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 The fact that the question is being asked is not a good sign 1
Author kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 As for someone mentioning not to write off 30 year olds that live at home - going "back home" while finishing school, or recovering from a financial hardship is one thing - as this guy EVER lived on his own like an ADULT? Actually he has lived on his own before. When he was in his late teens he left everything and moved across the country with a girl. Things didn't work out, he struggled to come back. He uses this experience now to say that living on your own is not as easy as it looks. True, it's not-- that's why it takes planning. I have never left any place like that all of a sudden. It simply takes planning. But yes, he lived on his own when I was just starting college, living with my mom, and not even THINKING of moving out yet.
Author kmae Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Isn't it interesting that we have men his age range posting on here that are educated, stable, in shape, advanced career wise and can't find a girlfriend but this 'parasite' sorry OP but that is what he is, this parasite manages to have a girlfriend. OP ask yourself, if this man has you as a girlfriend, what does it say about you? I may be going through a phase myself. I'm not saying I'm completely innocent in this.
mrldii Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 One of my serious LTRs was with a man who was 12 years older and was also "a sweet guy, expressive, romantic, generous, fun, and we generally [spoke] the same love language"; he was also gorgeous and sexy as hell, too. He, also, was a Good Time Charlie...loved to drink, party, and socialize with a big circle of friends (as did I), but he did live in his own nice and rather expensive 1-bedroom apartment (not with his mom). He had a good, long-term job with a good salary...and NO money in the bank, due to his partying and desire to help out friends, sisters, and mother whenever they needed a few bucks. He - and I - also loved to gamble and made frequent trips to Vegas, Tahoe, and Reno. Lasted with him for 5 years; hated breaking up with him...but like you are realizing 4 months in, at five years into it, I wasn't going to be the one to suddenly *make* him a responsible grown-up...and I wasn't willing to spend another 5 years to end up just like him by staying with him. Best of luck to you, OP...
Ami1uwant Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I may be going through a phase myself. I'm not saying I'm completely innocent in this. Curious.... Have you had him over to your place where he is away from the beer snd games et all--how is he? If you like the potential you could try and change him snd tell homie hat you font like. Do you know how much he makes? Can he afford to live at his own apartment?
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