Tomzxz Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) I’m facing a dilemma. I have been dating a woman for three months and we just don’t seem to have the chemistry i'm looking for outside of the bedroom. Part of my hesitation is because she suffers from major depressive disorder. She takes medication and sees both a psychiatrist and a therapist regularly. As a result of her anxiety and ruminations we do have regular conflict. Her moods shift by the hour and the evenings are so bad that I really don’t want to call her then as our conversation devolves into some argument or another. Sex is wonderful, very passionate, but our communication styles are off. We are both introverted and talking to each other just feels tense for both of us. She prefers acts of affirmation and sees positivity and I’m more of a realist. She has a hard time opening up and I seek a deep connection. Do to her depression she really doesn’t have any interests outside of running and we really don’t have anything in common and I’m afraid that simply vacillating if we should or shouldn’t keep dating is wearing on both of our nerves but she just hasn’t been able to accept my previous desire to end it. Part of me is thankful that she fights for us. She is a very kind and warm person. The nicest woman I have ever dated. She is in touch with our feelings in a way that I never thought possible, almost like an empath but she can also be quite selfish at times – direct characteristics of the depression I suppose. Not to be un-empathetic but I’m not really interested in being a caretaker or someone’s therapist and there does seem to be a fair amount of drama and eggshell walking going on for both of us. She has a good job and she told me that she doesn't need me to be her caretaker yet I feel like her extra ordinary instability is beyond my empathy skills. Part of me wishes she wasn’t dating in the first place because I’m not sure if she is ready under her condition yet I would have missed out on meeting a genuinely nice woman if she didn't put herself out there. To add to the problem we have both been a little jaded in love recently and I think that adds to some trust issues. A little backstory about me: I am about 6 months out of a relationship with someone who had narcissist and histrionic characteristics - Generally just a selfish, emotionally unavailable and adversarial person to live with. As a result of facing some of my own codependency traits I have established firm boundaries that seem to be working so far. I just don’t know if this is something that will be ongoing or if it will improve over time. We did recently take a personality test that shed some light on our similarities and differences that affect our dynamic. She seemed to enjoy the opportunity to learn about our personalities. I’m an INFJ-A and she is an ISFP-T. Our compatibility could also be a little better but we both seem to have an unconditional love and understanding with our subtle differences. Though she is a moderate republican and I am a democrat I guess my question is should I wait and see if our chemistry improves as I think It could or should I face a reality that that we just aren't right for each other? Is part of our chemistry deficit a result of her depression or my trepidation around her depression? It's sad really, I lived with an emotionally unavailable woman before and now i'm seeing a emotionally high maintenance one. Looking for that balance is hard. Thanks Edited August 20, 2015 by Tomzxz
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 It shouldn't be this hard at just 3 months in. This should be the period in which you're out having fun, getting to know each other, sharing happy moments - instead you're having regular conflict and so many doubts that it's wearing on both of you. It's not the right time. I would wish her well and move on. 2
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