Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Self pity post, I admit. In 2010 I left a bad marriage. It was a nearly 2 decade long marriage, the last 8 plus years were spent miserable. My exH wanted a very "old world" type of marriage. He wanted to spend all of our time together with his parents, brother, sister and spouses. Then he became increasingly controlling. Sex stopped, he had an affair. Divorce was long and brutal. I got screwed financially, but am doing ok now. I have primary custody of my 3 teen daughters. In 2012 I reconnect with college boyfriend at a reunion. He tells me he is also going through a divorce. We start a long distance relationship. After our 3rd week long visit he confesses he has not filed for divorce. Slowly the truths come out....in fact, his wife doesn't even know he is unhappy. Lots of lies, half truths...yes, I should have seen through it all but he did have a separate address. I break it off with him...go back and forth with NC...lots of drama. Finally over after I tell his W. I grieve. This fall I meet a DIVORCED man in a similar situation to mine. Also with teens. We go on a few dates before he admits he isn't living in his (former) marital home, but with his parents due to financial situation. Fine. We work through this, we spend time at my home when his kids are with his ex W. I end up paying for most everything, but I cut him slack because I know how expensive divorce/child rearing is. He loses his job and finds a new one. Says his finances are improving. I end up loaning him money a couple of months ago when he is late on his car payments. Recently he tells me things are better. He knows I'm under a ton of stress in my own life. Today he asks me via text message for another loan. I am dumbstruck. I just responded that I needed space. Can't deal. I feel like he is grabbing onto a sinking ship and pulling me under. I thought I loved him but now I don't know. It occurs to me that I am a magnet for men with major issues. Not saying I don't have my own. Feeling completely out of luck in the relationship department today. Used, just used.
La.Primavera Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Wow, I'm not surprised you feel used, those guys sound horrible! I hope the next guy is the complete opposite and treats you with the kindness and respect you deserve.
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Wow, I'm not surprised you feel used, those guys sound horrible! I hope the next guy is the complete opposite and treats you with the kindness and respect you deserve. Thank you.
Chi townD Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Well, I kind of feel for the both of you. On one hand, you have every right to feel used. On the other, I feel for the guy because it sounds like he got railed in the divorce. A this point, you haven't been dating this guy long enough for him to be asking you for a second loan. You are not his personal bank. I use this saying for guys, but this could apply to you as well. You need to find a man that wants to be with you. NOT a man that NEEDS to be with you. Very big difference. You want a man that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world they would rather be. A man that doesn't NEED you, he was doing fine before you came along. See, the difference? So, this guy needed to be with you so you could loan him money. Needed to be with you to help him out of a jam. Time to let this one go. 1
Justme1977 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Hold strong do not loan him anymore money ok!! 1
DKT3 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Besides the money issues, how is the rest of the relationship? How is he with his kids? Not that it matters because deal breakers are deal breakers.
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Well, I kind of feel for the both of you. On one hand, you have every right to feel used. On the other, I feel for the guy because it sounds like he got railed in the divorce. A this point, you haven't been dating this guy long enough for him to be asking you for a second loan. You are not his personal bank. I use this saying for guys, but this could apply to you as well. You need to find a man that wants to be with you. NOT a man that NEEDS to be with you. Very big difference. You want a man that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world they would rather be. A man that doesn't NEED you, he was doing fine before you came along. See, the difference? So, this guy needed to be with you so you could loan him money. Needed to be with you to help him out of a jam. Time to let this one go. Yes. And I've thought long and hard about his situation. His situation is tough. I've also thought if this is reverse sexism on my part. I'm the more financial secure of the two of us. My friends/family wouldn't think twice if a man paid for most stuff...they might get nervous about legal issues if he started loaning money, but in general, men giving/loaning to a woman isn't as scandalous as the reverse. All that aside...I'm just depleted. Not financially (although that COULD happen as my kids become college-aged). Emotionally. I've been through so much I just want a guy who can at least pick up the check some of the time, who can propose weekends together...do the stuff I wanted to do in my marriage but wasn't able to do so because exH seemed to be more in love with his mother than me. It's just a build up of stuff. My kids being with me most of the time...need this, need that. BF asking me for $ today just hit me in the gut. Those gut reactions are rarely wrong. But sh*t, it saddens me...I do love him. 1
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Besides the money issues, how is the rest of the relationship? How is he with his kids? Not that it matters because deal breakers are deal breakers. He is very kind with my kids. Patient, creative, caring. I haven't spent as much time with his, because they are with his exW most of the time. From what I've witnessed, he is a dedicated dad. He is a kind person. No doubt. It's not an easy decision...its a painful one. Its hard to be pragmatic. It's hard to be practical and divorce my emotional attachment. But I feel I can't give anymore. I feel like I need to either be alone and focus on my kids entirely, or be with someone very uncomplicated.
DKT3 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He is very kind with my kids. Patient, creative, caring. I haven't spent as much time with his, because they are with his exW most of the time. From what I've witnessed, he is a dedicated dad. He is a kind person. No doubt. It's not an easy decision...its a painful one. Its hard to be pragmatic. It's hard to be practical and divorce my emotional attachment. But I feel I can't give anymore. I feel like I need to either be alone and focus on my kids entirely, or be with someone very uncomplicated. Goodbye, I hate to say it but uncomplicated at our age is unrealistic or it would be with a simpleton. I'm not suggesting in any way you lend him money, but isn't it an option to say NO YET CONTINUE to date? He sounds like on the whole a good guy.
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Goodbye, I hate to say it but uncomplicated at our age is unrealistic or it would be with a simpleton. I'm not suggesting in any way you lend him money, but isn't it an option to say NO YET CONTINUE to date? He sounds like on the whole a good guy. Yes, it is possible. But, I need a break. I feel guilty for not wanting to give him more money and that is an exhausting emotion. I've got a lot of big changes coming in early September. I feel like I need to ride them out and calm down so I can make rational decisions. I know I hurt him by saying I needed space. But, it made me feel so unsettled to have him request more money, especially via text in the middle of my day with my kids.
DKT3 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Yes, it is possible. But, I need a break. I feel guilty for not wanting to give him more money and that is an exhausting emotion. I've got a lot of big changes coming in early September. I feel like I need to ride them out and calm down so I can make rational decisions. I know I hurt him by saying I needed space. But, it made me feel so unsettled to have him request more money, especially via text in the middle of my day with my kids. So your saying, even with the good he feels more like a drain then a equal partner? I just fear that you maybe over thinking this abit, and kinda looking for a reason to run. I get how it can be unsettling, and as a man I couldn't bring myself to ask a single mother for money. I guess what I'm saying is if this is about more then money (running) then it will continue to hinder relationships going forward. Our world is not Utopia and no one will be perfect, I think the key is finding someone with who you can live with their bad sh*t.
aloneinaz Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Yes, it is possible. But, I need a break. I feel guilty for not wanting to give him more money and that is an exhausting emotion. I've got a lot of big changes coming in early September. I feel like I need to ride them out and calm down so I can make rational decisions. I know I hurt him by saying I needed space. But, it made me feel so unsettled to have him request more money, especially via text in the middle of my day with my kids. I agree with your positions 100%. I feel bad that you've had a bad run recently but understand it won't always be that way. If the position was reversed and I was having to loan $ to a newish GF who lived at home w/her parents? Um, yea.. that would scare me off. I don't know you're ages but it sounds like you're both in your 40's. If that's the case, even scarier. The only thing I could suggest is to use your "gut" instinct earlier in the dating process. When you see red flags (living at home w/Mom at his age), you may want to step back, especially when he can't afford to pick up checks occasionally either? You're already raising 3 teens kids. You don't need a 4th one who's financially dependent on his new GF at his age. When I was dating last in my 40's, a BIG turn off to me is if I dated a gal several times and she NEVER even suggested "let me get this one" or invited me over to her place so she could cook me dinner. I ran into several women like this who did have the means to pay for things but had "alligator arms" when the check came. Big turn off and I'd usually lose their number quickly.
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I agree with your positions 100%. I feel bad that you've had a bad run recently but understand it won't always be that way. If the position was reversed and I was having to loan $ to a newish GF who lived at home w/her parents? Um, yea.. that would scare me off. I don't know you're ages but it sounds like you're both in your 40's. If that's the case, even scarier. The only thing I could suggest is to use your "gut" instinct earlier in the dating process. When you see red flags (living at home w/Mom at his age), you may want to step back, especially when he can't afford to pick up checks occasionally either? You're already raising 3 teens kids. You don't need a 4th one who's financially dependent on his new GF at his age. When I was dating last in my 40's, a BIG turn off to me is if I dated a gal several times and she NEVER even suggested "let me get this one" or invited me over to her place so she could cook me dinner. I ran into several women like this who did have the means to pay for things but had "alligator arms" when the check came. Big turn off and I'd usually lose their number quickly. Yes, at this point in my life I want something that feels more equal. I don't want to be supported, and I don't want to be the supporter. I don't care if it doesn't fall exactly 50/50, but one person shouldn't carry all the burden. And I don't mind doing less expensive activities or dining to keep things reasonable...but I've worked hard and made a nice life and want to be able to travel with my kids, dine out regularly and not feel guilty about it...feel guilty that I'm enjoying money I've earned and invested while he is 50 and completely broke.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 If you are picking the same men over and over again then you have to look inwards to figure out why you are attracted to men with major issues. One thing Im noticing is that you tend to progress relationships with men who raise red flags, yet you choose to ignore these red flags for hopes that things will work themselves out. But these are all men who prey on your motherly instincts- there are all weak men with flaws that you choose to overlook. Its great to be a supportive gf but it is another thing when you place it on yourself to fix these men. Men in their 30's -40's, should not javr to ask a woman to borrow money from. There are banks and free programs for that. Your job is not to be a bank. Stop dating separated men and also men with financial issues. You are worth so much more than that.
JADIE Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He is very kind with my kids. Patient, creative, caring. I haven't spent as much time with his, because they are with his exW most of the time. From what I've witnessed, he is a dedicated dad. He is a kind person. No doubt. It's not an easy decision...its a painful one. Its hard to be pragmatic. It's hard to be practical and divorce my emotional attachment. But I feel I can't give anymore. I feel like I need to either be alone and focus on my kids entirely, or be with someone very uncomplicated. I wouldn't be quick to pull the plug if he has as many great qualities as you describe. I'm a saver, my SO is not. Early in our relationship, I loaned him money several times. He got slower to pay back...other things, apparently more important in his mind, came up requiring him to divert money away from repaying me. He eventually paid everything back, but next time he asked, I hesitated and he said, "If you're not comfortable...." . So I said I wasn't and just don't have a great feeling about loaning a grown man money when I managed my affairs just fine as a single mom and still was able to save. And I never made as much as SO does. We're still together, he wasn't offended and found some other way to make ends meet. In the future, maybe I will advance him funds again, maybe not, but our relationship is not hinged on my willingness to share my "safety net" with other people who don't handle their finances the way I do.
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 If you are picking the same men over and over again then you have to look inwards to figure out why you are attracted to men with major issues. One thing Im noticing is that you tend to progress relationships with men who raise red flags, yet you choose to ignore these red flags for hopes that things will work themselves out. But these are all men who prey on your motherly instincts- there are all weak men with flaws that you choose to overlook. Its great to be a supportive gf but it is another thing when you place it on yourself to fix these men. Men in their 30's -40's, should not javr to ask a woman to borrow money from. There are banks and free programs for that. Your job is not to be a bank. Stop dating separated men and also men with financial issues. You are worth so much more than that. Agreed. I have chosen to ignore red flags. With present man, I should have bailed before getting so emotionally invested. I knew back in Feb. that he was living with his parents...that should have been my exit point. I need to take some time "off" relationships until I have more confidence. I need to have the ability to walk away earlier, and I need to be strong enough to accept rejection should that come my way. I'm vulnerable right now, and I think there is a "vibe" that comes with being vulnerable, and it doesn't bode well in relationships.
Author Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I wouldn't be quick to pull the plug if he has as many great qualities as you describe. I'm a saver, my SO is not. Early in our relationship, I loaned him money several times. He got slower to pay back...other things, apparently more important in his mind, came up requiring him to divert money away from repaying me. He eventually paid everything back, but next time he asked, I hesitated and he said, "If you're not comfortable...." . So I said I wasn't and just don't have a great feeling about loaning a grown man money when I managed my affairs just fine as a single mom and still was able to save. And I never made as much as SO does. We're still together, he wasn't offended and found some other way to make ends meet. In the future, maybe I will advance him funds again, maybe not, but our relationship is not hinged on my willingness to share my "safety net" with other people who don't handle their finances the way I do. Thank you for your perspective. You are a generous person and that is a GOOD quality, admirable. As long as you aren't attracting people who take advantage of that quality. I'm too raw from my past two relationships to wait this one out to see if he reliable enough or just taking the easy way out by asking me for money. 1
La.Primavera Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Thank you for your perspective. You are a generous person and that is a GOOD quality, admirable. As long as you aren't attracting people who take advantage of that quality. I'm too raw from my past two relationships to wait this one out to see if he reliable enough or just taking the easy way out by asking me for money. I agree, a guy like this is the last thing you need in your life. You need a guy who is reliable and doesn't treat you like a bank. If this is his behavior now, imagine how he will be in a couple of years from now? He will be so used to you taking care of everything he will feel entitled to it. The fact he already asked again is evidence of that. Don't second guess yourself, you made the right choice.
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I think the off hand way he asked you for a second loan by text is NOT good. Had he sat down with you and showed you his finances and showed you exactly where he was financially and how he was going to pay you back, and how he can manage his money better moving forward, then that would have been different. Joint, discussed decision. As it is, it sounded like you are being used as the Bank of the Single Mom, and what sort of man just assumes, YOU can loan him money at the drop of a hat? 1
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