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Struggling to move on from harsh words my ex boyfriend said to me

Michelle3494

By Michelle3494
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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I met a guy a year ago and from the beginning he said that he didn't think he was ready for a relationship and just wanted his freedom until he graduated from college in a year and a half. Ever since he had started partying he hadn't had a girlfriend and didn't want to stop partying until he was out of college. I too was not ready for a relationship I was only looking for a friend so I didn't have a problem with the arrangements. The first month and a half we talked on the phone or texted everyday but did not see each other because I had gone back home from college. When I returned to college I began to see him around 2-3 times a week and still talk everyday for a few weeks. When I returned to college and began seeing him I realized that I desired a relationship with him. I told him how I felt and he said that he could see a future with us and that I should wait until he got out of college which I refused and he ended up shortening to a few months for him to be ready to fully commit to me.

 

Despite the fact that he wanted to be single in the three weeks that we saw each other in person before I ended it, I met his mom, his friends, and we went on dates. He said that he was only working on building us so we could be in a relationship. Then one day he said that he had seen a couple of other girls the week before and I stopped seeing him and told him to not communicate with me anymore. Since he said that he was only "working on us" I felt like I had been lead on and betrayed.

 

 

Fast forward 5 months and he contacts me out of the blue. I then called him and a few days later to tell him how I felt like he had led me on and he apologized and said that he never meant to. He spent the next few weeks trying to see me while I played hard to get. I would make up excuses to not see him and return his phone calls days later. I finally agreed to go on a date with him and within a week he said that he loved me and that he saw me as a his girlfriend but that he didn't want to commit because he still wanted his freedom. I said that we could just be friends and cut back on the talking and he objected and asked if I would be his girlfriend.

 

 

During our relationship he saw me 5-6 days out of a week. I continued to spend time with his friends and family and take me on dates. He was a good boyfriend and had my back but we constantly fought over the issue of sex. I'm a virgin waiting until marriage and well, he's not. It wasn't long before my grades started to fall from spending all of my time with him and my mom said that she didn't want me to have a boyfriend in college since I couldn't handle it. (she pays my tuition so what she says go). I suggested to him that we should take a break for the summer because I didn't want to lie and sneak around with him while I was home for the summer and he was in another state and he was devastated.

 

 

For the first few weeks of summer we were on a break but he seemed happy like he could have his cake and eat it too which technically he could because we weren't together. During the break he talked to other girls and we fought everyday about the boundaries of being on a break and he constantly assured me that he was only on this break because of my mom and that if he could be with me he would. My mom finally agreed to let us be together and he said that he wanted to stick to the original plan and continue the break for the summer but if it came down to it he would be with me. I didn't want to be with someone who was only halfheartedly into me and halfheartedly into having their freedom so I said no we should just break up.

 

 

It's been nearly two months since the break up and I am still torn up. He has contacted me multiple times and I have not responded at all. I feel betrayed. He constantly said that he was only on the break because of my mom but then when my mom changed her mind he still had doubts about being with me and wanted to wait until I was back in his state. I know one of our problems was that he didn't want to wait until marriage for sex and that he told me from the beginning that he wanted to wait until college was over to get a girlfriend and I had been the exception to the rule; but overall was he just not that into me or genuinely not ready to lose his freedom to be in a relationship?

Edited by Michelle3494
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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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Has anyone ever been in a relationship where it was the right person but the wrong timing? Did you get another chance with them in the future?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I'm not sure. If the timing was wrong & they didn't come back around in my life at a later time I just concluded they were the wrong person.

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dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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Yes, I thought that about my recent ex and still do a bit because of my situation before her, but since she got back in contact back in Oct., I noticed some things about her actions that I didn't before and now I'm pretty sure she was just the wrong person for me.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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I thought so once, because when I met that person, I wasn't at all ready for what I wanted, and I ****ed it up.

 

But as life progressed, it occurred to me that we got the only time that we could have had; that she was never meant to stay with me, but that she had another purpose in my life, which I couldn't see at the time.

 

But, maybe. Only time will tell. Don't count on it is all I'd tell you.

casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

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There is only ONE right person ... and they have perfect timing!!!!

Justme1977 Member

Justme1977

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Well,if you are waiting for marriage for sex and he absolutely doesn't want to it sounds like a case of incompatibility. I'm sure you will meet someone who is ready for a relationship. Sounds like this guy is stringing you along a little.

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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I left my boyfriend of only 2 and a half months but we were really good friends before. He basically wanted to take a break for the summer so he could mess around (im a virgin waiting until marriage) and I wasn't having that so I broke up with him. I have been no contact for seven weeks and have ignored his multiple attempts to contact me, however I am still struggling. I have been working out and spending a lot of me time but still find my mind wandering to him a lot. How do I move on?

StalwartMind Established Member

StalwartMind

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With time as well as meeting other people eventually. I'm happy you don't compromise your own values, even if it can be hard to let someone go you are otherwise fond of. It's possible to create strong relationships over a short period of time, so it can take awhile before you have processed it all and feel ready to let go. Eventually though your new reality will become daily day, and he should take up less space in your mind. Not every guy out there wants to mess around, even if you should be young of age. Keep your mind open and welcome opportunity to meet someone who you feel is right.

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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Thank you I guess it just really Hurts because despite the fact that I left him I'm the one struggling to move on.

  • 3 weeks later...
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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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I met my ex 13 months ago and we hit it off as friends immediately. I stopped talking to him for awhile because despite us both having feelings for each other and me meeting his parents and friends, he still didn't want a relationship(which he told me from the beginning he wanted to spend his last year and a half of college partying with no responsibility). After I cut contact with him he came back three months later in February. He was still in college when he started dating me despite not wanting a relationship until he was out of college and I think deep down he committed out of fear that I would leave again and not because he 100% wanted to be with me. We officially ended things in June. I know that four months isn't a long time but we were really good friend before that that spent hours talking on the phone every night and when we dated we spent pretty much everyday together.

 

It was obvious in the relationship that even though he had committed he still had that player mindset and I had to set him straight in a lot of ways. We argued over things that I don't think couples in relationship should argue over such as him not getting girls numbers at bars just to see if he still has it. Looking back over it he was extremely insecure and that was just a validation thing for him but it still really bothered me at the time. We ended up getting in a fight one night in which he admitted that he never really loved me, that he was only with me because he was trying to take my virginity and he would have left me if he could have taken it, he was stringing me along, he wished he had never dated me, that there's something wrong with me, and he would have never married me. I was devastated when he said this and despite him apologizing and trying to make it up to me I ended it with him and cut all contact with him and ignored his multiple attempts to contact me. Everything that he has said two months ago really hurt. I do not want him back at all and am much happier since I kicked him out of my life. I noticed that he brought my self confidence down a lot and since then I have been working out a lot and lost 22lbs to help get my confidence back, have read multiple good books, have spent time with loved ones, spent time reconnecting with myself, and have gotten A's in all of my college summer classes, and am on the path to getting my makeup license as a back up career. However it still has been hard to end this chapter in my life. He still has a lot of my belongings from when I was at school and he refused to ship them so I have to get them back from him when I come back to college on Sunday. I am really nervous about seeing him because of how things ended and I am still suffering a lot of pain from his words. Any advice?

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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When I met my ex boyfriend, he had been a bachelor for years but he still came back months later to commit to me because I would not tolerate his bull****. Despite him committing, he still had a lot of his bachelor ways which we fought over. One night we were fighting and he told me that he never loved me, he would have never married me, he was stringing me along, there was something wrong with me, and that he had only dated me in hopes of taking my virginity which I never let him take. I was devastated by what he said and ended things with him and cut contact that day despite his apologizes and i love you's and trying to make everything right with me. I also ignored several texts and calls from him throughout the next few weeks. I realized that the break up was for the best and we were simply not meant for each other but his hurtful words still irk at my soul. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he still has a lot of my belongings which he refused to ship this summer and I have to pick them up on Sunday. I'm really not looking forward to seeing him especially when we broke up months ago but at the same time I am hoping this will be the closure that I need. Has anyone else ever experienced harsh words by their ex while they were still together, do you think they meant them? Has anyone had to pick up belongings from their ex months after the breakup?

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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One night we were fighting and he told me that he never loved me, he would have never married me, he was stringing me along, there was something wrong with me, and that he had only dated me in hopes of taking my virginity which I never let him take.

 

I realized that the break up was for the best and we were simply not meant for each other but his hurtful words still irk at my soul.

 

Did he mean them?

 

Only one person has that answer, and he isn't likely to give it to you.

 

There are two possibilities:

 

1. He didn't mean them. He was just hurting, and wanted you to hurt too, so he said the most hurtful things he could think of.

 

2. He did mean them. In which case, he is a complete jerk. A user, a liar, an abuser, and a taker, with no regard to your feelings.

 

Either way, it says nothing about YOU. It doesn't mean you are not lovable. It doesn't mean that YOUR feelings weren't valid and real.

 

And it doesn't mean that there is really something wrong with you. When someone says something cruel about you, always consider the source. Here you have either a guy who is TRYING to harm you, or a guy with no soul, who is saying something is wrong with YOU? Hell, from that source, it is probably a compliment.

 

If being loving, kind, caring, and having respect for your own body means there is Something Wrong with You, then wear that badge with pride, honey! :)

 

And thank God you didn't give your virginity to him.

 

When you see him to get your stuff back, go in there with confidence about who you are and what you want in a relationship. He may be cold and cordial, he may be cruel and angry, he may be hurt and sad, or he may be apologetic and kind. Be ready for any of those, and do not engage in discussion with him. Get your stuff and get out of there.

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mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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Whether or not he meant them, OP, he was capable of saying them...and capable of saying them to someone he professes/professed to love.

 

Personally, that would be enough for me to leave and not look back. If I HAD to get the things I'd left behind and I had to do it in person, I'd bring someone with me (ANYbody, just to make personal conversations awkward), get my things quickly and then leave and not look back.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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Whether or not he meant them, OP, he was capable of saying them...and capable of saying them to someone he professes/professed to love.

 

Personally, that would be enough for me to leave and not look back. If I HAD to get the things I'd left behind and I had to do it in person, I'd bring someone with me (ANYbody, just to make personal conversations awkward), get my things quickly and then leave and not look back.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

I do have to get them back he has hundreds of dollars worth of my clothes. I would have retrieved them before but I go to college in a different state and he refused to ship them to me this summer. It's like he wanted to hold my stuff hostage so he had a reason to see me.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I do have to get them back he has hundreds of dollars worth of my clothes. I would have retrieved them before but I go to college in a different state and he refused to ship them to me this summer. It's like he wanted to hold my stuff hostage so he had a reason to see me.

 

Taking someone with you is a very good idea. If you have a father or older brother available, those would be good options.

casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

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Human nature: when people know that they are going to separate they become cold in an attempt to make it easier on themselves and others.

 

There is also the possibility that YOU didn't accept his earlier attempts at breaking up .. which made him resort to saying or doing something crazy so it becomes ridiculously impossible for you to not accept.

 

Having had both applied on me boyfriend 2 and later boyfriend 1.

I never pay attention to the noise per se .. so i can't relate to your grievances for harsh words under harsh deconstructing conditions ie breaking up. Often times, I find myself saying mean things when i panic . I specifically remember freaking out and saying cruel cruel things to a person who was totally undeserving, in an hour of joy, which makes it quadruple worse. I wish i could take back that moment. I wish i was kate middleton a real princess. But im not.

mrldii Established Member

mrldii

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I do have to get them back he has hundreds of dollars worth of my clothes. I would have retrieved them before but I go to college in a different state and he refused to ship them to me this summer. It's like he wanted to hold my stuff hostage so he had a reason to see me.

 

 

I didn't mean to suggest that there was no good reason for you to get back whatever it was he had of yours; that is YOUR call to make.

 

I agree...most times when people *keep* things, it's to ensure future contact. But, then again, the same can be - and is - said of people who *leave* things. I believe Seinfeld even did an episode about it.

 

 

Don't go alone...that's probably what he's hoping for.

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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Human nature: when people know that they are going to separate they become cold in an attempt to make it easier on themselves and others.

 

There is also the possibility that YOU didn't accept his earlier attempts at breaking up .. which made him resort to saying or doing something crazy so it becomes ridiculously impossible for you to not accept. .

 

He wasn't trying to break up with me when he said all those things though. We we were on the phone fighting and he was trying to get off the phone and according to him he said that he said all those things to get me off the phone. However I feel if he had wanted me off the phone that bad he could have just hung up on me since he ended up saying all those rude things, hanging up on me, and then blowing up my phone the next day trying to apologize

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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I agree...most times when people *keep* things, it's to ensure future contact. But, then again, the same can be - and is - said of people who *leave* things. I believe Seinfeld even did an episode about it.

 

 

Don't go alone...that's probably what he's hoping for.

 

Yes I completely agree with that statement. With my first boyfriend I purposely left stuff there so I could see him again. However with this ex boyfriend I was washing clothes at his house and realized that I forgot a load. I tried to retrieve it while we were still togerher but he said that I had gotten everything from his house. I even went to his house and looked myself while we were dating and didn't see it. It wasn't until after I had gone home from college that he "found my clothes in his trunk".

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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Don't go alone...that's probably what he's hoping for.

 

Thanks for the advice I will be sure to make sure I am not alone

La.Primavera Established Member

La.Primavera

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Firstly I want to commend you for being so strong and not taking him back and taking care of your own needs. You are doing extremely well but I understand that it doesn't take away the vile things he said to you. That is going to take a while to heal. I encourage you to keep doing positive things you are doing and eventually you will begin to heal. Do not let him take any more of your self esteem.

 

As for going to pick up your stuff, I strongly advise taking a friend with you, preferably a guy so your ex doesn't try anything. Whatever you do, do not go alone, you need support by your side. Also, consider if these possessions are really worth the risk of seeing him again. You don't want to talk to him about the past, he will likely twist things and your resolve to stay away might slip. You don't want that to happen! This guy is toxic, the things he said and the way he treated you was completely unacceptable.

 

Stay strong, and remember what he said about you was a reflection of his own blackened soul, not yours! You deserve so much better!

 

All the best.

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Michelle3494 Member

Michelle3494

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Human nature: when people know that they are going to separate they become cold in an attempt to make it easier on themselves and others.

 

There is also the possibility that YOU didn't accept his earlier attempts at breaking up .. which made him resort to saying or doing something crazy so it becomes ridiculously impossible for you to not accept.

 

Having had both applied on me boyfriend 2 and later boyfriend 1.

 

But I do agree with this. I was talking to this one guy and he wouldnt get the hint so I told him off and hurt his feelings badly so he would move on. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings but I just needed him to understand after chasing me for a year and a half we would never be anything. However afterwards I apologized for my mean words moved on and never spoke to that guy again. If he was doing this to hurt me why would he not only apologize and say that he didnt mean it, but continue to text and call multiple times afterwards despite I was ignoring him?

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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When I met my ex boyfriend, he had been a bachelor for years but he still came back months later to commit to me because I would not tolerate his bull****. Despite him committing, he still had a lot of his bachelor ways which we fought over. One night we were fighting and he told me that he never loved me, he would have never married me, he was stringing me along, there was something wrong with me, and that he had only dated me in hopes of taking my virginity which I never let him take. I was devastated by what he said and ended things with him and cut contact that day despite his apologizes and i love you's and trying to make everything right with me. I also ignored several texts and calls from him throughout the next few weeks. I realized that the break up was for the best and we were simply not meant for each other but his hurtful words still irk at my soul. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he still has a lot of my belongings which he refused to ship this summer and I have to pick them up on Sunday. I'm really not looking forward to seeing him especially when we broke up months ago but at the same time I am hoping this will be the closure that I need. Has anyone else ever experienced harsh words by their ex while they were still together, do you think they meant them? Has anyone had to pick up belongings from their ex months after the breakup?

 

 

Are you kidding? When I caught my Ex cheating on me and I confronted her with it, she blasted me. She called me a loser, that I was too stupid to ever go to college or University, that I was satisfied working dead end jobs for the rest of my life and she was going to go with someone that actually had a future.

 

 

But, the difference between you and I is after that confrontation, she never contacted me again. However, I took great internal satisfaction knowing that I proved everything she said about me as wrong!

Hawaii51 Established Member

Hawaii51

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Who cares if he meant them or not. He said them, either he meant them or he verbally abused you. That's why you're hurt.

 

Bring a friend, ideally a bigger guy.. older with a nicer car. Act like you've this guy the cookies. Get your stuff and move on. ;)

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