Getback2you Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I am dating a 43 year old man who is so different from what I'm used to that it makes me wonder about the relationship. We live about 60 miles apart, we see each other about once or twice a week. We've been dating almost 5 months now. I usually have seen someone more times by now and everything else has been slow, too. Maybe our connection needs to grow more. We had sex after maybe 90 days, which I thought was great because I've never felt used. He definitely is not about just sex, but might have a low libido. Even though there's been weekends we haven't been able to do anything because of work or travel, I would have expected more sex than we've had. It's been awhile since the last time. I think it leaves me feeling like I have to break out of my shell a little bit because if I really think about it technically I initiated the last time we had sex. Other than that I wish he was in touch more. He's in touch when we don't see each other, but in the past I've been on the phone at night before going to sleep with a boyfriend. Or I was there 5 days out of the week so there was no need to be on the phone as much. We do text though. Last time I saw him was great. When I was having some anxiety after that because we didn't have much contact after seeing each other I told him if he's not that into me just tell me because I'd rather be alone. Just be honest. He said of course he is. He's always been honest with me. Then he added that he likes me a lot. I told him that was great! He said he'll tell me that more often. I'm just so used to a different type of personality and i do admit I've dated guys that were disappointing, narcissistic, or were annoying or there were other reasons it didn't work. This guy seems solid, good, I trust him, I like so many things about him, but it's like when you've always known something different and then you get something you're not used to that makes you wonder if it means something's wrong. It's scary. It makes me sometimes jump to negative conclusions sometimes. He comes from 2 parents. I come from a broken home so it might just be that I picked a good one and don't know what to do with it. Not sure. Hope this makes sense to someone. Has anyone experienced something like this who can give insight? I don't want my anxiety to screw this up when it seems like it has potential.
StalwartMind Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I think when we are used to things or people being a certain way, it can make us forget not everyone is like that. Just because you feel something is perhaps lacking, or you simply want more, even frequently so, doesn't mean the other part doesn't want to give. There are endless reasons as to why we all end up the way we are. Not everyone is an open book, others require a lot of effort to be understood better. Some are very slow, he may feel things are going fast, as such we perceive things differently. As long as someone is open to communication and you both express your feelings, so no one is discontent, then you have a good base to build on. Every relationship is unique, equally so how it needs to be handled. As long neither feel neglected or there are no major issues, then I feel it's potentially damaging to go look for problems where there may be none. It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, when you believe something is wrong, when in reality there isn't anything. I'm from a very different environment compared to some of the people who are closest to me, I never judged them due to my personal experience, because even if you are both used to something entirely else, doesn't mean your minds and preferences can be almost identical. I feel we can all learn to appreciate differences, unless we are so set in our own ways. A fresh breath of air, especially of something nice can be all the change you need sometimes.
Redhead14 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) I am dating a 43 year old man who is so different from what I'm used to that it makes me wonder about the relationship. We live about 60 miles apart, we see each other about once or twice a week. We've been dating almost 5 months now. I usually have seen someone more times by now and everything else has been slow, too. Maybe our connection needs to grow more. We had sex after maybe 90 days, which I thought was great because I've never felt used. He definitely is not about just sex, but might have a low libido. Even though there's been weekends we haven't been able to do anything because of work or travel, I would have expected more sex than we've had. It's been awhile since the last time. I think it leaves me feeling like I have to break out of my shell a little bit because if I really think about it technically I initiated the last time we had sex. Other than that I wish he was in touch more. He's in touch when we don't see each other, but in the past I've been on the phone at night before going to sleep with a boyfriend. Or I was there 5 days out of the week so there was no need to be on the phone as much. We do text though. Last time I saw him was great. When I was having some anxiety after that because we didn't have much contact after seeing each other I told him if he's not that into me just tell me because I'd rather be alone. Just be honest. He said of course he is. He's always been honest with me. Then he added that he likes me a lot. I told him that was great! He said he'll tell me that more often. I'm just so used to a different type of personality and i do admit I've dated guys that were disappointing, narcissistic, or were annoying or there were other reasons it didn't work. This guy seems solid, good, I trust him, I like so many things about him, but it's like when you've always known something different and then you get something you're not used to that makes you wonder if it means something's wrong. It's scary. It makes me sometimes jump to negative conclusions sometimes. He comes from 2 parents. I come from a broken home so it might just be that I picked a good one and don't know what to do with it. Not sure. Hope this makes sense to someone. Has anyone experienced something like this who can give insight? I don't want my anxiety to screw this up when it seems like it has potential. You need to focus on this relationship and stay in the moment. Not compare to previous dating scenarios. Pay attention to "his" habits, preferences, style, etc. and the circumstances in this situation. Given it's going slow and the distance between you, you are still seeing each other about the right amount of time really. You are also at a point, where you can and should initiate more calling at least. If you feel like calling or texting to say good night, go ahead. If you do it a couple of times, he may catch on and do it too or do some good morning texts, etc. It's about being balanced. You do some, he does some. If you do it too much, sure, it will feel like you're doing all the work. And, you don't want him to feel like he's doing it all either. When I was having some anxiety after that because we didn't have much contact after seeing each other I told him if he's not that into me just tell me because I'd rather be alone -- keep this kind of thing in check though. This way of expressing your needs was a tiny bit harsh and almost an ultimatum. It would be better to say something like "I'd really like it if we kept in better touch when we don't see each other". It's not critical, it's just letting him know what you like or need. It is, however, nice to see how he responded. He kinda saw through it The way you worded it would have been better suited to the situation if you hadn't had an overall good feeling about him and further down the line and basically fed up and prepared to be alone. If he had been calling a lot and it suddenly dropped off, I would probably go that route too. But, it's been about the same all along, right, except for maybe the very beginning, I'd say. If it's just usual, then nothing to worry about and it's ok to say you'd like a little more. Edited August 20, 2015 by Redhead14
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