Is it worth trying again?

[quadfang5]

Long time reader first time poster here. So i'll get to it, i've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now. A few months back out of the blue she went really cold one day and starting acting really cruel, I guess that would be the best way to put it. She would barely talk to me, had no time for me, so I chalked it up as it was over. Then as quick as she went cold about a month later she was back and loving and caring as ever. We've gone on several weekend getaways, with her kids, she come stayed with my family, i've stayed with hers. She even broke down and told me she loved me even though she was scared how real it felt. Ok, I thought to myself everything's great.

 

Well this past few weeks I got a weird vibe and had a bad gut feelings. The first week I let it go and didn't say anything as her grandmother had just passed and obviously I know how tough that is and it's going to be a tough time. The funeral services came and I told her anything you need let me know, I can watch the kids, pick them up, whatever you need, and I did, kept them out of her hair at the reception so she could mingle, picked up cars, dropped off flowers, basically made it so she could focus on the day. Well the whole day all I caught was ridiculous attitude and no thanks, almost like it was expected. I won't get into more details of the day.

 

So later that night when on the phone I asked what's up, not aggressive or defensive and i got everything is fine, with a 20 second silent period after...ok fair enough. Sunday comes around we are swimming with her kids at her dads and we decide to go get ice cream for everyone, in the drive through line I reach over touch her belly and give her a kiss....I get can you not touch my belly anymore, I dont like that. I thought odd that's never been an issue before. Then what made me finally ask her again what's going on something isn't right, is when I made a joke about her kitchen being dirty...for some reason she got super upset, even though we both joke with eachother daily about that stuff.

 

I basically asked what's wrong, I feel like you went cold and are acting like you did a few months ago. I got no nothings wrong but you asking me what's wrong is going to make something wrong, then silence. I let her know I will not be as patient this time with her acting like this, and it shouldn't be a problem checking on the health of the relationship when I know something is awry, especially given the circumstances a few months back.

 

Mind you two days before she went cold, we made plans to go to the cape for a weekend, newport for a weekend, and bring the kids to maine for a weekend for the end of the summer....then boom cold and retreating, barely telling me what shes doing or how shes doing, not caring what i'm doing, and no initiative to see me.

 

I guess my question is, will it even be worth trying to stay with this girl or is this how it's always going to be? Hot cold loving then cruel. You would think a 30 year old single mom of two, would love to have a guy who truly cares and wants to help with the kids, who truly loves her for what she is. Maybe it's grass is greener and she knows she has me and i'll do anything for her. Maybe that's my downfall being to willing and available for her....Any advice would be great, I just don't know what I did wrong to make her act this way, like I said everything was great a few days before she went cold again...

[emi]

Do you wanna live in a house that the roof may just fall on your head at anytime?

 

 

I dont know whats her problem by blowing hot and cold at you but hey, you not own her any problem right?

There is a line between being with each other throught thick and thin and being a doormat or punchbag

[casey.lives]

you sound too confused and indirect which can cause unnecessary stress and put fear in the mind of a single mom about what a future with you would really look like. Personally, if communication is such a BIG GINORMOUS issue, if a person overwhelmingly exacerbates everything all the time everywhere with everyone constantly.. meanwhile she probably wants to have a regular life .. with family work hobbies friends ...and love. at this rate she feels it will just be some bottomless pit of you and your never ending drama that leaves her feeling hopeless and even more alone. When you get with someone there should be a doubling of everything .. and everyone. It sounds like she's more alone than ever since knowing you. She doesn't want to hurt you. She can't loose more... time or anything. You sound well meaning but it seems like you might fall significantly short on the well DOING..

Edited August 20, 2015 by casey.lives

[aloneinaz]

She's exhibiting all kinds of MAJOR red flags here OP and you know it. Ever hear the expression "walking on egg shells"? That's what you're doing w/her not knowing how her moods are going to be day to day or even hour to hour. While BPD is thrown around a lot on this site, you may read about it on Google and see how many of those characteristics she has.

 

 

Whether she has emotional damage or a behavioral issue, the bottom line is she's NOT a very nice, normal, loving GF. When she first faded on you a few months ago, that was a MAJOR red flag. At that point, you should of considered ending it. It sounds like it was the first time she started to act this way and ironically it was when the "honeymoon stage" had probably started to end. You're now seeing the "real" her as she's letting her hair down and not being on her "best behavior" anymore.

 

 

My last ex really acted like this gal as well. I'm 99% sure she has BPD. Hot/cold, moody, bitchy snapping for no reason. VERY unappreciative for anything done for her. She was just a bitch.

 

 

What you need to do is look internal at YOURSELF. Do you have self esteem problems or are you insecure by nature? Why? Because most people tell their partner to F-off when they show their true bitchy, nasty, aggressive, mean personalities and kick them to the curb. I was having some self esteem issues when I took my last crazy ex's BS for far too long.

 

 

Anyway, you need to get an exit plan together. Her behavior will only worsen towards you and make you question your sanity. She's clearly at a minimum has lots of baggage and emotional problems. You'd be so much better off to find someone who doesn't so YOU can be happy and feel appreciated for what you bring to the relationship.

Edited August 20, 2015 by aloneinaz

[quadfang5]

Do you wanna live in a house that the roof may just fall on your head at anytime?

 

 

I dont know whats her problem by blowing hot and cold at you but hey, you not own her any problem right?

There is a line between being with each other throught thick and thin and being a doormat or punchbag

 

You know that's exactly how I felt, like a punching bag or doormat when she said...it was acceptable for her to be flat out rude and bitchy on that day to me...

[quadfang5]

She's exhibiting all kinds of MAJOR red flags here OP and you know it. Ever hear the expression "walking on egg shells"? That's what you're doing w/her not knowing how her moods are going to be day to day or even hour to hour. While BPD is thrown around a lot on this site, you may read about it on Google and see how many of those characteristics she has.

 

 

Whether she has emotional damage or a behavioral issue, the bottom line is she's NOT a very nice, normal, loving GF. When she first faded on you a few months ago, that was a MAJOR red flag. At that point, you should of considered ending it. It sounds like it was the first time she started to act this way and ironically it was when the "honeymoon stage" had probably started to end. You're now seeing the "real" her as she's letting her hair down and not being on her "best behavior" anymore.

 

 

My last ex really acted like this gal as well. I'm 99% sure she has BPD. Hot/cold, moody, bitchy snapping for no reason. VERY unappreciative for anything done for her. She was just a bitch.

 

 

What you need to do is look internal at YOURSELF. Do you have self esteem problems or are you insecure by nature? Why? Because most people tell their partner to F-off when they show their true bitchy, nasty, aggressive, mean personalities and kick them to the curb. I was having some self esteem issues when I took my last crazy ex's BS for far too long.

 

 

Anyway, you need to get an exit plan together. Her behavior will only worsen towards you and make you question your sanity. She's clearly at a minimum has lots of baggage and emotional problems. You'd be so much better off to find someone who doesn't so YOU can be happy and feel appreciated for what you bring to the relationship.

 

Thanks alot for the input aloneinaz. To be honest yes I can be insecure sometimes, and maybe that why I haven't told her to take a walk. I feel the insecurity comes out when she starts blowing cold which I know will only push her away.

 

I've looked into the BPD thing and it seems right on. I've made a few comments about it indirectly, asked her a while back what kind of crazy she was, and she got abnormally mad. Then the other day I said somethings not right with you it's like a light switch goes off and your head and you're completely different the next day, she got extremely quiet about it.

 

My girlfriend and you ex should get together they sound like they'd get along....

[Downtown]

Quad, I agree with Arizona that the repetitive cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior is one of the hallmarks of having strong BPD traits. Such behavioral traits typically do not appear during the first 6 months of the R/S because the BPDer's infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay during this courtship period. The BPDer is so infatuated that she is convinced you are the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her.

 

When that infatuation starts to fade, however, the two fears return. Sadly, you then will find yourself in a lose-lose situation no matter what you do because the fears lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from a BPDer to avoid triggering her engulfment fear, you unavoidably are drawing closer to triggering her abandonment fear. Moreover, there is no midpoints position where you can safely stand (i.e., between "not too far away" and "not too close") to avoid triggering those fears. I know because I wasted 15 years hunting for that Goldilocks position, all to no avail.

 

If this discussion sounds familiar, you may find it helpful to take a quick look at at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read the more detailed description of them I provide at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Arizona and other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Quad.