hohum Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Madly & mutually in love for about a year and a half when he really worked hard to get me to move in with him (changing cities - big move). At about 2 years into relationship he starts withdrawing little things and less sex - always claiming being too tired. HUGE difference from the start! I am new to long-term relationships so I am thinking a lot of this may be normal as time wears on - but the connection just continues disappearing - and even less and less sex. Seems my communicating my anxieties or needs turns him off even more. At least 1 full year ago (but I think much longer) he had started hanging out in the city for drinks with work people (in the city I moved away from to live with him). I am sitting at home on many occasions - Friday nights we used to spend together - far from all my old friends and life. It is challenging for me not to communicate this - but this makes him more distant - though he says he loves me. In OVER a year now he has been going out in my old city with his work people and NEVER invites me - even once when I got finished early with an appointment - he REFUSED to let me meet them out claiming they were all talking about work stuff. He has basically stopped socializing with me - we just live together. I did find a suspicious (yet vague) post on fb from a girl he was recently with - but he just explained it away and I believe is lying to me. He always says he would NEVER cheat so I can't see him ever admitting to it. I can rarely get my hands on his phone and don't have his pw. We are on a "break" for a few days now and I can't stop wanting to be CERTAIN he was cheating. Anyone have thoughts either way? Thank you in advance!
almond Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He may be cheating, or he may not be. You will probably get a bunch of suggestions here on how to find out, but seeing as though you're on a break and not married, I'd say it's time to let it all just go. It doesn't really matter if he's cheating or not. He's distancing from you and cutting you out of his life. He's refusing to include you and neglecting you. That's more than enough to know that you deserve more. Walk away...find someone who is willing to invest in and connect with you properly. If he is cheating, you're not going to gain much by finding out, other than perhaps future trust issues. Make this break permanent - it's not working. 3
emi Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 It doesnt really matter if he cheats or not . I think you are better off getting off this sinking ship. Even he didnt cheat, can you go on living like this? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 It sounds suspicious. I would not like being deliberately left out, and yes, that would very much make me wonder why. What did this FB post say? In any case, he is checked out of the relationship. You can't go on like this. I would break it off now and save myself the heartache. I lived through a similar experience, and it's not fun. I became very lonely in the relationship even though we had lived together for a few years. It was clear we had grown apart and I too was often strongly discouraged from joining social outings with my ex and his co-workers. It was awful and did a number on my self-esteem. I can tell you I am much better off now.
aloneinaz Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Hun, You have to understand that he's been demonstrating all the signs of losing interest in you and the relationship for over a year. Google "signs your partner is losing interest in you" and you'll see what I'm talking about. Your only worry should be in getting out of the place you share and moving on from this guy. The cheating issue or concern should only reinforce you're in bad R/S that you should of ended when he first started fading on you so long ago.
kendahke Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Be more concerned with getting your life back in your old city than worrying about him cheating or trying to get your hands on his phone to snoop. If your gut is telling you he's cheating, then that's all you need to make the decision on where to take your next step. Call up some friends and tell them you're moving back home and see if they can help you make the transition. You set your life adrift to go live with him and you're finding out that without him, you have no life. That needs to be corrected and fast.
Gus Grimly Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 The hardest thing to do is move to another city for a relationship. I know this because I moved across the country for someone too. Having no local support like close friends and family can be very stressful, frustrating and scary. The worst thing that can happen in that situations is when the relationship starts show signs of dysfunction. "What am I gonna do now?". Trust is important so having full transparency in a relationship is vital. Your feelings are valid and possibly the suspicions you have as well. My instincts have been pretty spot on in most of my relationships. So much that I get incredibly vivid dreams about them. When my Ex was sleeping around my anxiety was off the charts. I had no proof, but the subtle clues, logic and my intuition guided me to the truth. Even if I never found out, I wouldn't be able to ignore the intense anxiety I was dealing with on a daily basis. You shouldn't either. If I were you I'd make plans to leave ASAP. Unfortunately for me I chose to remain in that toxic relationship only to find myself in even more misery down the road. You should not reject these clear early warning signs as trivial misgivings. Call your support group if you have one and ask them for suggestions on what you can do to get out of there. Don't let yourself get screwed over, it's not worth all the suffering you'd have to endure later on.
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Your far, far bigger problem is the loss of togetherness in your relationship. Even if he's not cheating, he's not that into you anymore, to hear you tell it. It sounds like he's just comfortable. Under those circumstances, he is bound to find somebody else that he finds interesting, whether or not he's found her already. Time for you to start looking out for #1.
Author hohum Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I am fairly sure this isn't a break on my end at all- and it's tough to understand why he is calling it that unless he is just trying to cushion the blow. I know I can't stay in this I just want to KNOW why he pulled away. It would make so much more sense if there was another person and I just wish he'd be honest. I have a feeling his feelings initially were true for me but I just don't understand what changed. It wasn't long enough for me to have "let myself go". It seems the only thing I did wrong was Honor his eager eager wish to move to his home with him (which he wanted nearly instantly when we met). When his feelings began to change (as initial love phase faded for him) he might have felt stuck with me since I made such a big move to be with him. Unfortunately my life feels like a lot of things fell apart with my friendships and such (which I don't blame on him) which has made me need him even more. Isn't that what a partner is supposed to be there for? Times like these? Sorry - anyway - Expatinitaly - it was just a shot of a romantic summer evening in my old city at sunset - and she ONLY tagged him with a lovey reference from "Grease" (the musical) and a smiley with hearts in his eyes. He claims all the other work people were out that night too but not up on the high level from where they took the pic. He also didn't come home that night claiming to have stayed with a friend.
Author hohum Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I meant to also say I am really glad to know you are feeling better now and am sorry you had to go through this kind of thing. It's terrible. I'm not sure how to trust someone so in love with me again in the future without waiting at least 2 years now! And I ain't getting any younger.
Gus Grimly Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 ... she ONLY tagged him with a lovey reference from "Grease" (the musical) and a smiley with hearts in his eyes. He claims all the other work people were out that night too but not up on the high level from where they took the pic. He also didn't come home that night claiming to have stayed with a friend. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
thekarmacist Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 this guy is a jerk. he has you move out and then starts acting like a cad segregating you from his social life, which is pretty suspicious. please do a disappearing act on this fool ASAFP, even if it means moving back home. trust me: if you stick around it'll cause you a lot more hurt. tell this chump to go kick rocks with open-toed shoes, like now. sorry to put it so harshly. i'm in your corner.
Author hohum Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Hi all - thank you so much for your help with this situation. It is always so unclear when you are in the middle of it. I am heading back this weekend after a roadtrip away with a friend and family. We already officially started a "break" involving my trying to get myself back to my city anyway....so I believe the wheels are set it motion already. I just wish he'd be honest or I had OFFICIAL proof. Breakups are so hard anyway - why can't he be honest amidst it? Now onto the - "how do I ever trust my intuition now?" if I ever fall in love again, that is. Now I am fighting reaching out to "check in" --- it's been 3 days since he last did while I am away....I keep thinking I should take a "turn" but what for really?
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