Going NC to "process" things... is this a break, a break-up, or what?

[notmakingsense]

Short history: My GF of 1.5 years and I have broken up a few different times over the fact that she can't commit, keeps me at a distance, and I get a little needy when this goes on too long. We eventually get back together and when we reconnect, the bond is awesome.

 

When these break-ups happen, there is always a period of withdrawal where she won't communicate with me. Eventually I harass her enough, and she breaks the silence, then we talk about it, and slowly get things going again.

 

I want to describe the latest occurence of this to get your opinion on things.

 

About a week ago, I was sensing the distancing and couldn't collect my thoughts enough to bring it up in person when we were having dinner. She decided to go home after the restaurant, which bummed me out because I hadn't seen her in about a week. So, when I got home, I wrote her a note that spilled out all my frustrations. In the note, I asked her if we should move on, because her distancing was really inappropriate for us at this point. We need to either move on or keep things progressing! I also told her that I love her, and what I really want is for her to get closer to me and for us to move forward in our relationship.

 

I got no response. I left it alone for a few days, then re-wrote my note in less emotional language and gently asked her if we could talk about it. Still no response. I left it alone for another day, then started calling and leaving her voice-mails. Light hearted at first, but then towards the end of a week having gone by, they started to get more emotional and brought to light the fact that she should at least treat me fairly and let me know that she was alright.

 

Finally, a week later, I get a voice-mail back. In it, she basically let me have it for leaving so many messages. She told me that I needed to "back off" because that this was how she goes about processing things (i.e. what I wrote in my notes). She acknowledged that I was not wrong to write the notes and bring these things up, but that she isn't wrong for backing off and not talking to me. She also told me that she "wasn't mad at me", that I've done nothing wrong, and to not internalize her lack of desire to talk. She also said she'd call me eventually.

 

So.... now I want opinions.... is this a reasonable way to communicate when you are in a relationship? Should I really be content to let her go off in radio silence for a few weeks after we have troubles, or should I be understanding and just sit back? I love this woman and want it to work, but lurking down deep is the feeling that if someone is really in to you, they wouldn't react in this way.

[sanne]

hell no, how whipped are you man? hehe jk. but in all seriousness, tell this stupid girl that she has had long enough to think about it and if she wants to talk now is the time. if she still dodges and weaves tell her its over and you don't wanna talk anymore.

[LucreziaBorgia]

but lurking down deep is the feeling that if someone is really in to you, they wouldn't react in this way.

 

And you are correct. She has taken your entire relationship, everything you've shared, all those experiences, your heart - all of that and reduced it down to an inconvenience. Something she'll deal with "eventually." Do you want to be the guy who is only worth getting back to "eventually"? You have to think of yourself as worth more than that, and give her the space she so dearly treasures: PERMANENTLY, and start the healing process so that you can look for someone else who won't treat you that way.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks LB and sanne -- I do feel like I'm whipped. Its the "highs" that I feel when we are together that make it so easy for me to treat myself as a second class citizen. And LB, thats a good way to put it -- she has reduced me to an inconvenience -- the thought of this will help me see things for what they truly are.

[Mz. Pixie]

Honey,

 

We've been down this road before with this woman. You're still with her???

[notmakingsense]

I knew someone would get me for that!

 

I've broken up with her twice since my last thread with you guys! I can tell I'm getting better -- because now its me that lets *her* have it -- and thereby causing the break-ups..... Now the trick is not going back..... progress?