GooseChaser Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) Say a person is trying to be touchy on a date and it's not really welcome. How would you handle it, best-case scenario-- where you react and they ideally back off quickly in response? If they were persistent, how would you react? Would you keep saying no, state your feelings more strongly, try to distract them with something that you find a more acceptable form of touch, allow yourself to start being rude about it, push them away or even call off the date... et cetera? From what I understand at some point, if they're not getting the message and being pushy, it's just important to not worry about how they'll take it and just get very serious with them and make it clear that it's not okay. Date or not, whether you want to see them again or not. What's it matter if they don't like it and disappear afterward if they can't respect a person's boundaries anyway. I am trying to improve my boundary enforcement and learn to be a little less of a doormat in this arena. For example, sometimes they'll try to do something and I'll make efforts to turn it away but they often keep trying. I wonder if perhaps my "no"s sometimes look more like "maybe if you convince me." Anyway I look forward to seeing your thoughts. Edited August 20, 2015 by GooseChaser
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I pull or turn away if a guy I'm not attracted to makes moves on me. If he continues I reject him more blatantly. Have had to fight a few off, but not many. Most guys don't want to embarrass themselves by pushing further once they realize you don't want to get physical. Can't stand guys who continue to grab at me in hopes I'll respond....guys, if you reach out and touch a woman's arm once or twice and she doesn't move toward you at least a little (lean toward you, return the gesture, respond however) don't try it the third time unless you want to gross her out!!! 1
Author GooseChaser Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I like that, turning or pulling away is like showing that your interest is going down, and sorta reminds them that you're free to leave if they continue. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I like that, turning or pulling away is like showing that your interest is going down, and sorta reminds them that you're free to leave if they continue. And if they do I get up and walk. It really is that simple. If you do not want someone to touch you just move away, if they carry on say goodbye and walk away.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 In part it's a matter of conveying your stand-offishness & boundaries through body language before they try something you don't like. For example, while I know many people want to hug or kiss someone hello at the 1st meeting off OLD, I was never comfortable with that. So I would preemptively hold out my hand for a handshake & purposely stand about arms length away. I kept my hands on my lap not on the table so the other person could not reach over & hold my hand. If I wanted to hold hands, my hands would be available on top of the table & relaxed. I'd walk more than arms length away to avoid hand holding or worse an arm around me while walking. I'd reach for doors myself. At the end of the date, I'd again, stick out my hand for a shake. If those things didn't work, I'd shrug away & hold up my hands, palms toward the other person in sort of a surrender pose & say I'm just not ready for that. If the other person tried to cross that boundary again, the date ended right then & there.
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 In part it's a matter of conveying your stand-offishness & boundaries through body language before they try something you don't like. For example, while I know many people want to hug or kiss someone hello at the 1st meeting off OLD, I was never comfortable with that. So I would preemptively hold out my hand for a handshake & purposely stand about arms length away. I kept my hands on my lap not on the table so the other person could not reach over & hold my hand. If I wanted to hold hands, my hands would be available on top of the table & relaxed. I'd walk more than arms length away to avoid hand holding or worse an arm around me while walking. I'd reach for doors myself. At the end of the date, I'd again, stick out my hand for a shake. If those things didn't work, I'd shrug away & hold up my hands, palms toward the other person in sort of a surrender pose & say I'm just not ready for that. If the other person tried to cross that boundary again, the date ended right then & there. Donnoavain, what's kind of interesting, and I'm glad to hear you say what you said. A lot of men convey if you don't go in for a kiss on the FIRST date or move too slow with the woman, they use this rule as the golden standard by which you want to have success with women. Some men, I guess you could classify them as PUA's, say if you don't get a kiss on a first date, that they are adamant that a woman has NO interest in a 2nd date...and move on...not calling her for a 2nd either. They think it's as sign of disinterest or could be going into the friend zone. I"m an advocate of saying, "Depends on the person" when it comes to this, and they get cocky about it and use this as a Golden Rule to determine the level interest of a woman for a 2nd date. Some men, if you do what you did on the first date, they wouldn't call you for a 2nd only because they think you're not interested. That ONLY a woman that's interested would be willing to be somewhat affectionate even in a FIRST date.
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Don't accept a date unless you are really attracted to them. This is another thread about unwanted touching.....seriously why are you even bothering going out with them in the first place.
Jj66 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Don't accept a date unless you are really attracted to them. This is another thread about unwanted touching.....seriously why are you even bothering going out with them in the first place. This is why I don't consider the first meeting in an OLD situation to actually be a date. We are just meeting in person to decide if we might want to go on a date. I have no idea from chatting with you and looking at your chosen photos whether I will actually be attracted to you. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 That ONLY a woman that's interested would be willing to be somewhat affectionate even in a FIRST date. Here's the caveat though. I have only been on 3 dates in my life where I didn't want physical touch during the date. Two were OLD dates. The other was when I was much younger & didn't know how to politely say No Thank You. When it comes to romance, if I liked you enough to go on a date with you, I sure as heck wanted my hand held & a kiss good night. When I employed the standoffish tactics I described I was clearly not interested. Again because my instinct & comfort level included hand holding, hugs & kisses early on, when I didn't get kissed by my DH on our 1st two dates I became increasingly convinced that he didn't like me romantically. I have since learned he's just not a demonstrative guy although he has opened up tremendously since we've been together.
Author GooseChaser Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Don't accept a date unless you are really attracted to them. This is another thread about unwanted touching.....seriously why are you even bothering going out with them in the first place. Well for example you might be fine holding hands, hugging, maybe kissing, but might not want to make out or let their hands wander too much. Just 'cause I'm going on a date with them doesn't mean I want all that right away.
jen1447 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Punching them in the balls always works for me. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Punching them in the balls always works for me. I'm sure it would but wouldn't it be better to avoid people who mandate that as your best option to get away? Also I would think kicking woudl be easier.
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