CarrieT Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He manipulates her to stay in an abusive relationship. It sucks because I see how unhappy she is and how this relationship is going to continue being destructive in both there lives. This is what she is telling you, but do you know - for a fact - that it is true? Have you witnessed it? You are caught up in her drama and it is her responsibility to remove herself from the situation if she truly wishes to do so. You can't rescue her and for all you know, you are being played. Best thing is what others have said: Tell her it is too much for you and to give you a call when she is single. 2
Hawaii51 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 @ OP... If I was some mental-case with half a girlfriend, and I threatened to kill myself on the regular. Chances are, I've already planned on killing you. food for thought.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Sorry but being mr. wonderful (which he already has been) to this girl=doormat Yes she does see me as Mr Wonderful and the knight in shinning armor bit but your right I dont think that is good enough to get her to leave him.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 This is what she is telling you, but do you know - for a fact - that it is true? Have you witnessed it? You are caught up in her drama and it is her responsibility to remove herself from the situation if she truly wishes to do so. You can't rescue her and for all you know, you are being played. Best thing is what others have said: Tell her it is too much for you and to give you a call when she is single. Yes I have been witness to this abuse many times. I have seen the animal abuse first hand and I have seen his suicide death threats also. These things are very real and make no mistake this is a very abusive relationship. She has said many times that she wishes she never got back with him. She has been wanting to call the police on him too while he is out selling drugs. The big problem is she cant face to face him and remove herself from the situation. Also she has a heart condition that he plays upon to keep her around. He knows that huge amounts of stress brought about by him keeps her around because her heart cant physically take the stress to move out. She is really caught up in a vicious cycle of a very bad relationship.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 @ OP... If I was some mental-case with half a girlfriend, and I threatened to kill myself on the regular. Chances are, I've already planned on killing you. food for thought. Yeah wouldnt be the first time some crazy nut job is trying to come after me... I think the guy is really weak though.. Too weak to actually do anything to himself or other people. Weak pathetic people are the ones that abuse defenseless animals because they lack the balls to be physical with someone that can really mess them up. Regardless I do have to take my precautions though.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Yes I have been witness to this abuse many times. I have seen the animal abuse first hand and I have seen his suicide death threats also. These things are very real and make no mistake this is a very abusive relationship. She has said many times that she wishes she never got back with him. She has been wanting to call the police on him too while he is out selling drugs. The big problem is she cant face to face him and remove herself from the situation. Also she has a heart condition that he plays upon to keep her around. He knows that huge amounts of stress brought about by him keeps her around because her heart cant physically take the stress to move out. She is really caught up in a vicious cycle of a very bad relationship. And you're getting caught up in it, too. There's not much payoff for you here. She isn't going to leave him any time in the near future.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 And you're getting caught up in it, too. There's not much payoff for you here. She isn't going to leave him any time in the near future. Even if I give her real options? Options are always good! I can give her brighter better options and let them brew in her head. Maybe when she has some good real options to get out she can do it!
No Limit Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I am not like everyone but I am more strong minded I guess because I have dropped any and all relationships that I felt would lead to any abuse or troublesome relationship. That's not true since you are still bothering with her. Even if I give her real options? Options are always good! I can give her brighter better options and let them brew in her head. Maybe when she has some good real options to get out she can do it! Then I hope your credit card can handle buying a nice apartment and a BMW, because that will be the kind of option she needs to leave. Good luck.
stillafool Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I like this idea but should I tell her my feeling than stop seeing her or should I just stop seeing her? Be a little more specific please! I think you should tell her the truth that you have fallen in love with her but can't go further because she needs to sort her situation out with her boyfriend. Tell her to call you when she's single again and then go NC. If this guy is such a loser as you describe she sure is having a hard time letting him go. How long have they been together?
stillafool Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Well dont know how to not be blunt about this. It just stared as her boyfriend letting me have sex with her girlfriend because she needed it and the guy is more into guys. Than it became waaaaaaay more than expected by everyone. Sorry just catching up on this thread. If the above is true please get tested and tell her to also.
Gary S Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 You knew she had a boyfriend when you met her but you played with her anyway. Now he's still hanging around and making your life miserable. You made your own bed, so lie in it. Next time, find a woman who does not have a stalker boyfriend. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Even if I give her real options? Options are always good! I can give her brighter better options and let them brew in her head. Maybe when she has some good real options to get out she can do it! No. No. No. She has options now. She can leave but she won't. She can call the cops on a drug dealer. She doesn't. She can wise up & figure out that his threats of suicide are emotional blackmail / manipulation but she prefers the drama. You can't do anything for her. All you can do is sit back & see what she does for herself. You think you are helping her by saying "poor baby, come live with me" but you are not. You are simply enabling her to continue failing to take responsibility for herself. She's not some stray kitten for you to rescue. best thing is for you to step back. Force her to make a choice. I suspect she will pick him because change is scary. When she does pick him you have to recognize that for the unhealthy choice it is and let her go for your own sanity & safety. 1
stillafool Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 If you say her boyfriend is more into guys than her and she still won't leave him I don't know what will make her go. She is clearly addicted to his drama and the chase of getting him to desire her only sexually. You have to step back and let her chose you but I doubt she will.
katiegrl Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Well I think she truly would be with me but there is three huge problems. She still has feeling for the guy. She lives with the guy. He manipulates her to stay in an abusive relationship. It sucks because I see how unhappy she is and how this relationship is going to continue being destructive in both there lives. Have you considered the possibility that she may be manipulating you? I would not rule that out. You say she has no money and relies on her boyfriend's money (one reason why she stays). Does she not work? If not, why not?
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 No. No. No. She has options now. She can leave but she won't. She can call the cops on a drug dealer. She doesn't. She can wise up & figure out that his threats of suicide are emotional blackmail / manipulation but she prefers the drama. You can't do anything for her. All you can do is sit back & see what she does for herself. You think you are helping her by saying "poor baby, come live with me" but you are not. You are simply enabling her to continue failing to take responsibility for herself. She's not some stray kitten for you to rescue. best thing is for you to step back. Force her to make a choice. I suspect she will pick him because change is scary. When she does pick him you have to recognize that for the unhealthy choice it is and let her go for your own sanity & safety. I think your right but I do not think your right about her preferring this drama. She hates it and it disgusts her. I can tell when I am around her. She dosent even have to tell me in words how much she hates it. I feel as though you are right about her not wanting to fully take herself away from the relationship. It is his manipulations that keep them mostly together. When she tried to leave him he lays under her car or points weapons at her and threatens to kill himself and her. This is a SERIOUS abusive relationship!
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Have you considered the possibility that she may be manipulating you? I would not rule that out. You say she has no money and relies on her boyfriend's money (one reason why she stays). Does she not work? If not, why not? No not even close. She has not manipulated me in anyway or asked of me anything at all. I have gathered the facts about her and everything has checked out. She has a job.
katiegrl Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) I think your right but I do not think your right about her preferring this drama. She hates it and it disgusts her. I can tell when I am around her. She dosent even have to tell me in words how much she hates it. I feel as though you are right about her not wanting to fully take herself away from the relationship. It is his manipulations that keep them mostly together. When she tried to leave him he lays under her car or points weapons at her and threatens to kill himself and her. This is a SERIOUS abusive relationship! On that same note, could it be possible that her manipulations are what's keeping you from leaving? Not trying to be negative but that is what jumped out at me after reading everything you have posted. I mean seriously, enough already. If it's that bad, then leave! They're not married. And what does she expect you to do about it anyway? Except feel sorry for her... boo hoo poor baby....let me fix this for you. The savior syndrome keeps many a men stuck in very unhealthy relationships. And many a women know this. THAT is the manipulation IMO. Edited August 20, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 No not even close. She has not manipulated me in anyway or asked of me anything at all. I have gathered the facts about her and everything has checked out. She has a job. Fabulous! Then you need not worry about her financially when you follow smackie's advice and leave. She'll be fine.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I think your right but I do not think your right about her preferring this drama. She hates it and it disgusts her. I can tell when I am around her. She dosent even have to tell me in words how much she hates it. I feel as though you are right about her not wanting to fully take herself away from the relationship. It is his manipulations that keep them mostly together. When she tried to leave him he lays under her car or points weapons at her and threatens to kill himself and her. This is a SERIOUS abusive relationship! We get that her relationship with him is dysfunctional but you do you get that your relationship with her is also dysfunctional in a different way? Assuming that this is a serious abusive relationship that is all the more reason she should get out. But until she make the choice to leave him, you can't do anything. How long are you going to continue to torture yourself by sitting & watching her self destructive behavior? Your heart seems to be in the right place in that you want to help her but the reality remains: You can't help her until she decides she wants to help herself. This isn't your mess to fix. His histrionics threatening suicide is emotional manipulation, not abuse. It also reinforces in her mind that he loves her. You miss that point.
William Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Reopened after review with the reminder that regardless of your opinions on questions asked or advice given, all members are entitled to respectful and courteous replies. ~Thank you Edited August 21, 2015 by William
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I think your right but I do not think your right about her preferring this drama. She hates it and it disgusts her. I can tell when I am around her. She dosent even have to tell me in words how much she hates it. I feel as though you are right about her not wanting to fully take herself away from the relationship. It is his manipulations that keep them mostly together. When she tried to leave him he lays under her car or points weapons at her and threatens to kill himself and her. This is a SERIOUS abusive relationship! If he has threatened to kill her, the only thing she can do is phone the police. And you need to watch out for your own safety, as evidently her boyfriend is seriously unbalanced and dangerous. You can give her all the options in the world, but until she is really ready to leave, it won't matter. You can let her know she has a safe place to go if she needs a refuge, and that's about it. 1
stillafool Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 OP, I'm sorry if I misunderstood you but I made my response below because of your statement that "the guy is more into guys" which led me to believe he is bisexual. It isn't that I didn't read your thread. I said this: If you say her boyfriend is more into guys than her and she still won't leave him I don't know what will make her go. She is clearly addicted to his drama and the chase of getting him to desire her only sexually. You have to step back and let her chose you but I doubt she will. Because you said this: Well dont know how to not be blunt about this. It just stared as her boyfriend letting me have sex with her girlfriend because she needed it and the guy is more into guys. Than it became waaaaaaay more than expected by everyone. If I misunderstood please explain to me what you meant by the guy is more into guys?
Author dandyrandy Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 On that same note, could it be possible that her manipulations are what's keeping you from leaving? Not trying to be negative but that is what jumped out at me after reading everything you have posted. I mean seriously, enough already. If it's that bad, then leave! They're not married. And what does she expect you to do about it anyway? Except feel sorry for her... boo hoo poor baby....let me fix this for you. The savior syndrome keeps many a men stuck in very unhealthy relationships. And many a women know this. THAT is the manipulation IMO. Possible but I doubt it because it never started like this. Also the last thing she wanted was for me to know how bad her relationship is with her boyfriend. She tried hard to keep it away from me but his craziness prevailed and I found out. I think she is too much stuck on the past and how good she had it. Now things are not good but yet she still holds on to the hope that she can fix this or things will get better.
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Possible but I doubt it because it never started like this. Also the last thing she wanted was for me to know how bad her relationship is with her boyfriend. She tried hard to keep it away from me but his craziness prevailed and I found out. I think she is too much stuck on the past and how good she had it. Now things are not good but yet she still holds on to the hope that she can fix this or things will get better. Okay fair enough.... thanks for clarifying!
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Just say "You know that I really like you and want a relationship, but not like this. So when you breakup with him for good, then you can call me." I went through this twice with the same person. She really hated being with him - true - but ended back with him TWICE Call me a moron There's no rational explanation why she did this. I gave up trying to figure it out and closed the door. Every year or so they'll break up for a month or two & she reaches out to me - still! Lol. I ignore now. Your friend's dislike of the relationship with him may be real but that doesn't mean she will leave him It may not be rational. Give her one chance - say you'll see her when she's single. Then close the door. Trust me :-)
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