dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Okay I need some good intelligent advice and all other nonsense will be ignored. If you respond to this you need to read this whole situation entirely. Thank you!! Okay this women has a boyfriend of 10 years and she is living with him currently. She broke up with him once but got back together which she regrets. They decided to keep things spiced up and interesting if they stayed together by dating others. It is like an open relationship. She cares about the guy but they are having many relationship problems still and she is not happy with her him. That is how she met me. I have been dating this women with permission by her boyfriend. We started off as FWB and it became more! We grew closer together as she got something she never really got before. A guy that is perfect and have so much in common with. She really likes me in every way possible. This was very unexpected!! We have been dating for 4 months and have become very close and intimate. The boyfriend now sees what he has done and is trying everything in his power to stop it. He is mentally crazy and needs medications. He is also extremely jealous of me and her now. They stopped being intimate together long ago and thought it would be just a romp between us to make her feel better and that would be all. Huge mistake on his part! Now she encourages him to find someone else too! This is not going well for him because no other women wants him. I think they know he is crazy ass and he is not very attractive looking either. This is a huge disadvantage for me because I wish the bastard would find someone else and the ugly ****er cant! Here is the BIG problem. She has told me she would like to leave him and every time she is with me she hates going back to him. I can tell how much she hates it and the thought stresses her to go back to him. When she goes back to him the manipulations start. He first threatens to kill her cats and other animals and break possessions of hers. None of those things work but the one thing that does work is that he manipulates her into staying with him because he will kill himself. They are just threats and the guy never does it but it works on her every time. She has a very soft heart and puts others needs before her. This is how this bastard has manipulated her for many many years. Make no mistake this is a very abusive relationship! The guy needs serious professional medical help. Also the guy gave her an ultimatum that either she goes or I go. It didn't work. She told him that she wants to stay seeing me no matter what. The guy just keeps on manipulating her in anyway the guy can! She told me she sees being with me a reality but sadly money and his manipulations keep her around. Right now I am not sure what to do. I haven't told her I love her and she has not either but we both feel it for sure. I have many dates with other beautiful women but they all bore me to tears and they are nothing like her. This is not good either! All I think about is her and all she thinks about is me! We write to each other constantly all day every day. She tries to see me when ever she can. She really is a kindred spirit and soul mate to me but she is trapped in this manipulation and abuse! Any real mature suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I guess my question on this is that I dont know if I should play it cool and let things ride out or do I need to act now! If she lived by her self things would be so much better for her. She needs to get away from these abusive emotional manipulations! She ask me if I could help her to forget her boyfriend. I will try but I dont know how? Maybe ask her to start seeing me more against her boyfriends wishes?? The guy keeps his steady attack of abusive manipulations on her dragging her down instead of concentrating on taking his medication and seeking help for himself. I think she is a really good women but just stuck in a very long abusive relationship and cant find a way out. Maybe I can give that to her but I dont know what kinds of things I can give her. Any suggestions??
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Stop seeing her. Nothing motivates a person to get their **** together more than by taking away something they want. If that doesn't give he the kick in the pants she needs, then all you were to her was an escape and nothing more. 3
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Stop seeing her. Nothing motivates a person to get their **** together more than by taking away something they want. If that doesn't give he the kick in the pants she needs, then all you were to her was an escape and nothing more. I like this idea but should I tell her my feeling than stop seeing her or should I just stop seeing her? Be a little more specific please!
kilgore Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Stop seeing her. Nothing motivates a person to get their **** together more than by taking away something they want. If that doesn't give he the kick in the pants she needs, then all you were to her was an escape and nothing more. Amen smackie
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Just say "You know that I really like you and want a relationship, but not like this. So when you breakup with him for good, then you can call me." 3
mystikmind2005 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 You should probably allow for the possibility you do not have a complete understanding of her relationship with him. And this is one of those classic areas where women are usually not completely truthful - even to themselves. 3
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Just say "You know that I really like you and want a relationship, but not like this. So when you breakup with him for good, then you can call me." I feel like your right and I will tell her this sometime. But I am not sure on when? The timing seems to be an important factor on this dont you think? I would think I need to give her some more options first right? The big problem is she is living with this abusive clown and she has no money. I could offer her a place to stay with me and actually told her that recently. She thought that might be a good idea. I dont want her to think I am too much her white knight in shining armor though. This is a tricky situation in deed.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 You should probably allow for the possibility you do not have a complete understanding of her relationship with him. And this is one of those classic areas where women are usually not completely truthful - even to themselves. Well what do you mean exactly? What do you think she is not truthful about exactly? Yes I do believe she is hiding some truth about how much she cares about the guy for sure but regardless I can tell she is miserable in the relationship and I can tell the other guy is too. The best thing for both of them is to move and I think she can but his manipulations over her is to much. He cant leave his comfort zone. Its like she is in a relationship comma.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I am not like everyone but I am more strong minded I guess because I have dropped any and all relationships that I felt would lead to any abuse or troublesome relationship. So many people cant do this!!! They lack the balls and confidence to do it! Her and I are so alike in every way possible BUT that is her one huge weakness. She does not have the courage and power to leave this guy. I am thinking give her more options?? Instead of leaving her high and dry.. Also playing it cool has seemed to work best for me but it has gone to 4 months with her. Not sure that playing it cool is the way to go at this point?
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I feel like your right and I will tell her this sometime. But I am not sure on when? The timing seems to be an important factor on this dont you think? I would think I need to give her some more options first right? The big problem is she is living with this abusive clown and she has no money. I could offer her a place to stay with me and actually told her that recently. She thought that might be a good idea. I dont want her to think I am too much her white knight in shining armor though. This is a tricky situation in deed. No you are just giving yourself excuses to not leave..... 3
Tobin Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Also playing it cool has seemed to work best for me but it has gone to 4 months with her. Not sure that playing it cool is the way to go at this point? The way to go is to date women who aren't living with their boyfriends. 5
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 The Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome or KiSAS (also known as the White Knight Syndrome) is an affliction most commonly observed in men but occasionally by women. The name of the syndrome comes from the classic format of a fairy tale: A damsel in distress is saved by the knight in shining armor and they live happily ever after. Sufferers of the syndrome search out others who they see as needing to be rescued and prey on situations where they can insert themselves as the shoulder to cry on. These people are attracted to others who have low self-confidence, are in a tough life situation, or have other vulnerabilities. These symptoms often lead to short relationships a la rebound or longer term codependency. The latter arises when a Knight in Shining Armor comes across the sufferer of a complementary syndrome: the Damsel in Distress Syndrome. The rescue impulse in the Knight perfectly fits with the victim impulse in the Damsel. Thus, they mutually enable each other. The sufferers of both of these syndromes are people who don't define their relationship, they let their relationship define them. The disease is unfortunately self-reinforcing and occurring at a greater and greater incidence as society puts increased emphasis on conformity and a lack of independence. 1
joseb Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Just say "You know that I really like you and want a relationship, but not like this. So when you breakup with him for good, then you can call me." Yip, this is what you do. Keep it simple. I would be very cautious of having her move in with you. I see trouble ahead down that route. 1
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 The way to go is to date women who aren't living with their boyfriends. Wish it was that easy dude but we kind of got caught up in this accidentally. I do date many beautiful women but it sucks being in love because even the hottest super model looking women bore me to tears.. Sex is easy and cheap and I get lots of it but its an empty terrible thing when your in love with someone else.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Yip, this is what you do. Keep it simple. I would be very cautious of having her move in with you. I see trouble ahead down that route. Makes sense friend.. I really hated telling her that I have a place for her here but damn I didn't know what else to tell her as she was crying about going back to her abusive boyfriend. She has no choice because she lives and works with the *******. Her and I thought that might be a good temporarily idea though. Just temporary until she finds another job and place of her own. Also the boyfriend does not know where I live. This is a good thing!
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) The Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome or KiSAS (also known as the White Knight Syndrome) is an affliction most commonly observed in men but occasionally by women. The name of the syndrome comes from the classic format of a fairy tale: A damsel in distress is saved by the knight in shining armor and they live happily ever after. Sufferers of the syndrome search out others who they see as needing to be rescued and prey on situations where they can insert themselves as the shoulder to cry on. These people are attracted to others who have low self-confidence, are in a tough life situation, or have other vulnerabilities. These symptoms often lead to short relationships a la rebound or longer term codependency. The latter arises when a Knight in Shining Armor comes across the sufferer of a complementary syndrome: the Damsel in Distress Syndrome. The rescue impulse in the Knight perfectly fits with the victim impulse in the Damsel. Thus, they mutually enable each other. The sufferers of both of these syndromes are people who don't define their relationship, they let their relationship define them. The disease is unfortunately self-reinforcing and occurring at a greater and greater incidence as society puts increased emphasis on conformity and a lack of independence. I see where your going with this but I didnt start this thing in the idea that I was going to be a white knight! Honestly it started as just me ****ing a hot girl that needed it... It became waaaay more on accident and now we are in love. Edited August 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 The way to go is to date women who aren't living with their boyfriends. Well dont know how to not be blunt about this. It just stared as her boyfriend letting me have sex with her girlfriend because she needed it and the guy is more into guys. Than it became waaaaaaay more than expected by everyone.
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Yip, this is what you do. Keep it simple. I would be very cautious of having her move in with you. I see trouble ahead down that route. What trouble do you foresee?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 What trouble do you foresee? He might show up at your place and do some damage. To her, to you, to your property. She will probably not be fully ready to leave him any time soon and will continue to be his girlfriend while living with you. Can you really not see how this arrangement might not be a good idea? It was kind of you to offer. She knows where you are if she needs you. I'm sure she could also find other employment if one of her concerns is financial resources. I would stop seeing her altogether. I don't think she's going to be ready to break up with him any time soon, based on what you posted here and in your other thread. The timing isn't relevant here. Simply tell her you would like a future with her, but only if she is single. If you don't, this will probably just continue on endlessly. 1
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 He might show up at your place and do some damage. To her, to you, to your property. She will probably not be fully ready to leave him any time soon and will continue to be his girlfriend while living with you. Can you really not see how this arrangement might not be a good idea? It was kind of you to offer. She knows where you are if she needs you. I'm sure she could also find other employment if one of her concerns is financial resources. I would stop seeing her altogether. I don't think she's going to be ready to break up with him any time soon, based on what you posted here and in your other thread. The timing isn't relevant here. Simply tell her you would like a future with her, but only if she is single. If you don't, this will probably just continue on endlessly. It seems like such a hopeless option.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Playing it "cool" here is not the way to go. If you want her to leave her BF, you have to tell her that. The fade out indicates that you are rejecting her altogether not just the present situation. You want her to make a choice: him or you. Tell her that & stop trying to be coy. Do not let her move in with you. She doesn't need to jump from one live in situation to another without space in between. For pete's sake you have only known this woman for 4 months & you started as FWB. That's a lousy foundation for living together. You don't really know her well enough to cohabitate. As for this happening by accident, pshaw. You two jumped into bed together. Many times emotions follow the physical. This mess wasn't an accident. You both deliberately & knowingly started down this path without thinking through the possible consequences. Your lack of foresight doesn't make this an accident. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Well what do you mean exactly? What do you think she is not truthful about exactly? Yes I do believe she is hiding some truth about how much she cares about the guy for sure but regardless I can tell she is miserable in the relationship and I can tell the other guy is too. The best thing for both of them is to move and I think she can but his manipulations over her is to much. He cant leave his comfort zone. Its like she is in a relationship comma. Yea, you pretty much answered your question. What else can i tell you that might be useful information to think about? Well, possibly it is not just about him. Women will easily dump a perfectly great guy, let alone a looser the second she found her Mr wonderful. So what i am getting at is, you need to be her Mr wonderful. And even though your relationship is great right now, perhaps there are some things about you which give her pause from totally committing? i don't know how true, but food for thought, that's all, hope it helps
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Sorry but being mr. wonderful (which he already has been) to this girl=doormat
Author dandyrandy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Yea, you pretty much answered your question. What else can i tell you that might be useful information to think about? Well, possibly it is not just about him. Women will easily dump a perfectly great guy, let alone a looser the second she found her Mr wonderful. So what i am getting at is, you need to be her Mr wonderful. And even though your relationship is great right now, perhaps there are some things about you which give her pause from totally committing? i don't know how true, but food for thought, that's all, hope it helps Well I think she truly would be with me but there is three huge problems. She still has feeling for the guy. She lives with the guy. He manipulates her to stay in an abusive relationship. It sucks because I see how unhappy she is and how this relationship is going to continue being destructive in both there lives.
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