My friend keeps staying with a repeated cheater.

[warrenorabbits]

The first time was at a party and he was drunk. Not a great excuse, but I advised her to give him the benefit of the doubt since he seemed like a sweet, funny guy anyway. Then it happened again. That time, she tried to break it off but he stalked her at work and at home until she just gave up. She then ... sigh ... married him and had two children with him. I was skeptical about him, but I held my tongue and, besides, he seemed to get more mature as the years passed. I thought he'd changed.

 

That is, until a month ago, when I found out that he cheated AGAIN! For the third time, and while married. And so apparently they separated for a time, and I thought they still were. But, lo and behold, today I find out that they've reconciled ... again.

 

Now, if there's anything I've learned in my life it's that you can never say what you would do until you've been in the other person's exact situation. Yes, he's obviously a loser, but he's also the father to her children, a source of income, etc. So I can't sit in my tower and smugly tell myself what I'd do in her spot, not that I have plans to get involved or say anything except words of support.

 

But it's just frustrating to see her keep setting herself up for heartache like this. One mistake doesn't define a man, but three? That's a character flaw, and it's one that hurts her and the kids.

[La.Primavera]

He never deserved that second chance. Cheaters don't change their behavior, especially if they are continually let off the hook. One day she will reach breaking point and she will breakup with him for good. Just keep supporting her as a friend and let her know she deserves the best, until that day finally arrives when you can celebrate her freedom. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

[No Limit]

She's not strong enough to leave - and he knows that, so he uses that knowledge to his advantage. There's not much you can do.

[Gloria25]

People - especially married people have their little "dance" if you will.

 

While you may not "get" why so-and-so is with so-and-so, they sure do get it...they are salt and pepper shakers.

 

"He" is not the problem, your "gf" is. "She" chose him and got preggo TWICE with him - with full knowledge of who/what he was before she married and got preggo with him. I mean, don't the feminist teach us that it's "our bodies, our rights"? That's why women are supposed to be selective with whom they mate with - it's a big responsibility.

 

Maybe she has daddy issues, maybe she just will take "anybody", maybe she gets off on him coming back home to her after cheating (as if he's doing it cuz she's the bomb or something - when fact is, he's doing it cuz she's "home base" and lets him get away with it)....Regardless of what her "issues" are, she wants "him" and if it wasn't "him" it would have been some other loser.

 

I say get better friends than that...What she did to her kids, IMO, should be labeled "child abuse" cuz either she's gonna stay and the kids are gonna grow up in a broken home and grow up to have broken homes of their own, self esteem issues, etc; and/or, she's gonna get fed up one day and go for divorce and break up the home.

 

Funny how God allows some people to create life in their bodies - but mammals can do that...Real "parents" are what takes place when it comes to "raising" your kids so they can be successful people in our world/community. Just getting preggo is no hard task and doesn't make people "parents".

[Got it]

People - especially married people have their little "dance" if you will.

 

While you may not "get" why so-and-so is with so-and-so, they sure do get it...they are salt and pepper shakers.

 

"He" is not the problem, your "gf" is. "She" chose him and got preggo TWICE with him - with full knowledge of who/what he was before she married and got preggo with him. I mean, don't the feminist teach us that it's "our bodies, our rights"? That's why women are supposed to be selective with whom they mate with - it's a big responsibility.

 

Maybe she has daddy issues, maybe she just will take "anybody", maybe she gets off on him coming back home to her after cheating (as if he's doing it cuz she's the bomb or something - when fact is, he's doing it cuz she's "home base" and lets him get away with it)....Regardless of what her "issues" are, she wants "him" and if it wasn't "him" it would have been some other loser.

 

I say get better friends than that...What she did to her kids, IMO, should be labeled "child abuse" cuz either she's gonna stay and the kids are gonna grow up in a broken home and grow up to have broken homes of their own, self esteem issues, etc; and/or, she's gonna get fed up one day and go for divorce and break up the home.

 

Funny how God allows some people to create life in their bodies - but mammals can do that...Real "parents" are what takes place when it comes to "raising" your kids so they can be successful people in our world/community. Just getting preggo is no hard task and doesn't make people "parents".

 

I am sorry, am I reading this right, she is abusing her kids because she is choosing to stay with their dad but his culpability is . . . .

 

This post is a joke. Right? RIGHT!?!

[warrenorabbits]

He never deserved that second chance. Cheaters don't change their behavior, especially if they are continually let off the hook. One day she will reach breaking point and she will breakup with him for good. Just keep supporting her as a friend and let her know she deserves the best, until that day finally arrives when you can celebrate her freedom. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

I hope so too. You're absolutely right.

 

I am sorry, am I reading this right, she is abusing her kids because she is choosing to stay with their dad but his culpability is . . . .

 

This post is a joke. Right? RIGHT!?!

Yeah, it's definitely not child abuse; if anything, she is acting in the kids' interest. I can tell she really loves them and wants what's best for them above what's merely best for her. If it was for the kids, then I respect that decision even if I don't agree with it. But I have a bad feeling that it wasn't just that -- that he talked her into forgiving him again.

 

She's one of the sweetest, kindest women I know, and I think that that fact works against her when it comes to matter like this. It's really a pity.

[Gloria25]

I am sorry, am I reading this right, she is abusing her kids because she is choosing to stay with their dad but his culpability is . . . .

 

This post is a joke. Right? RIGHT!?!

 

She should be considered a child abuser cuz she got preggo twice with a guy who will probably end up breaking up their home.

 

She knew he was a cheater and still married him. Instead of spending some time married and/or having one kid and see how he conducts himself, she pops out two kids and he's out boinking other women as usual...

 

So, one of two things are gonna happen to destroy this family and these kid's rearing...

 

1-They're gonna see daddy come home odd hours, mommy upset, and/or them fighting over his cheating. Or worst, like the OP, they might hear of daddy's cheating and/or hear about it from others.

 

2-She's gonna get fed up and leave. So, kids are down one parent. Then, they get to "visit" daddy and he probably will parade all his bimbos in front of them.

 

So, if she choses to stay with this cheater and loser, I pray for the kids' sake she pretends like nothing is going on...but I highly doubt it will happen and kids will suffer.

 

I grew up in a home where dad cheated...mum stayed and we watched them fight. He had no shame coming home whenever he felt like and/or parading the other women around the streets for everyone to see...and yes, mum knew of his doggy ways and didn't care...she popped us out one after the other.

[Got it]

She should be considered a child abuser cuz she got preggo twice with a guy who will probably end up breaking up their home.

 

She knew he was a cheater and still married him. Instead of spending some time married and/or having one kid and see how he conducts himself, she pops out two kids and he's out boinking other women as usual...

 

So, one of two things are gonna happen to destroy this family and these kid's rearing...

 

1-They're gonna see daddy come home odd hours, mommy upset, and/or them fighting over his cheating. Or worst, like the OP, they might hear of daddy's cheating and/or hear about it from others.

 

2-She's gonna get fed up and leave. So, kids are down one parent. Then, they get to "visit" daddy and he probably will parade all his bimbos in front of them.

 

So, if she choses to stay with this cheater and loser, I pray for the kids' sake she pretends like nothing is going on...but I highly doubt it will happen and kids will suffer.

 

I grew up in a home where dad cheated...mum stayed and we watched them fight. He had no shame coming home whenever he felt like and/or parading the other women around the streets for everyone to see...and yes, mum knew of his doggy ways and didn't care...she popped us out one after the other.

 

And again, your mom has sole onus to this????

 

Gloria, you do understand your viewpoint is quite extreme and quite sexist. You place women as the sole parties responsible for marital decisions and child rearing/outcomes. You are not giving any responsibility to the man and seem to assume it is reasonable he acted like this.

 

No, if you look up the definition of child abuse nothing will show that staying is child abuse. Now there may be subsets of abuse within it due to actions tied to the marital dysfunction but staying, in and of itself is not abusive.

 

I really think you are triggering on your own childhood and broad brushing this quite a bit. I also think you have some really deep issues with your parents, your mother especially, and marriage you may want to explore.

 

Sorry but I completely disagree. My mom had an affair and I do not see that my dad stayed as abusive. Now I can discuss other actions that would have been more along the lines of abuse but not the fact of staying. That was, in the big picture, not a decision I would have made and quite indicative of other issues, but it was not abusive.