ARegularGuy Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Typical of me. I fall in love with someone I can not, and will not, ever have. Why? Because she is in a committed relationship and... she is only 20 years old. I am 56 years old with all the issues a 56 year old man has. I am young at heart, but old all the same. It would never work, people wouldn't understand or accept, and it would be foolish to think she would even slightly be interested. Though... we have grown close. She trusts me and we work well together (yes, I met her at work). We flirt harmlessly and have nicknames for each other that only we use. She even tells people we are getting married. I have caught her watching me from time to time. I do think there is a chemistry and attraction there, but it can never be. The age difference is a permanent, unbreakable barrier. Let me be very clear here... her age is NOT the attraction. I curse it every day. I am not a "dirty old man" chasing young girls. I prefer women my age. This just... happened. I looked into those incredible eyes of hers and melted. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis thing, I don't deny that, but she is a treasure, how could I not fall for her? I will never tell her, I will never act on this. She may very well figure it out, I don't try to hide it, but that will be the only way she ever knows. Yes, I would like her to know that someone truly and deeply cares about her, but it could so easily be misunderstood and twisted into something bad that I don't want that to happen. I don't want her bothered in any way over this. I realize I may even have to remove myself from the situation (find another job) to keep her from knowing. I hope she never knows. It's the only way it can be.
La.Primavera Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be really difficult having these hidden feelings for someone you can't have. For what its worth, I think you are handling this situation with a great deal of dignity and respect. It may be small comfort but you are doing the right thing. Take care.
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 It's bitter-sweet. Yes, you're right: age is a barrier. There is no way a situation like this can be overcome, unless you were to find by some stint of miracle, that she felt exactly the same way. I can offer only the tiniest shred of comfort, which may either prove to be exactly that, and you would eagerly grasp as the very ideal explanation, or you would dismiss with scorn, derision and ridicule (or any measure in between the two): It is possible (according to some philosophies) that in some past previous lives, you were the ideal match and the perfect pair; but you might have been swans or red-crowned cranes, humans or creatures of long-term habit... in any case, there may have been a lifetime of togetherness, unity, heartfelt and unbreakable bonding, which was only broken by death; yet here you are, together once again, but in a private love that can never be made public. Be there for her. That may be the best and only thing you can do.... You alone know why. She alone will feel it.
La.Primavera Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I also wanted to add that there is no shame in finding another job if these feelings are too much for you to deal with. Do whatever feels right. 1
gaius Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I'm in love with a woman who's older than me, not nearly that high of an age gap, but still. And I'm really glad she didn't come into it with the utterly defeatist attitude you have. =/ Or both our lives would have ended up worse off for not being together. If you take a shot with her and she says no, or it doesn't end up working out that's one thing. At least you can say you tried. But to slink away from something you want that badly, you're just completely wasting this gift called life that you've been given. 1
Author ARegularGuy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Thanks to both of you for your replies. Respect is the ONLY way I can handle this. I respect her too much to cause problems in her life. I will NOT let that happen. I will not violate the trust she has in me. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy our friendship. She makes me laugh, I make her laugh and people around us get a kick out of it and actually talk about our little routine. It does make me look forward to going to work, despite the pain I endure. I think she knows that I am there for her, she does come to me for advice. She knows I have her back if need be. I've never been in a position like this before, it's so confusing, but your advice and words help. 2
Author ARegularGuy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I'm in love with a woman who's older than me, not nearly that high of an age gap, but still. And I'm really glad she didn't come into it with the utterly defeatist attitude you have. =/ Or both our lives would have ended up worse off for not being together. If you take a shot with her and she says no, or it doesn't end up working out that's one thing. At least you can say you tried. But to slink away from something you want that badly, you're just completely wasting this gift called life that you've been given. I'll be honest with you, there is truth in what you say. There is a part of me that wants to say "screw it" and go for it. Unfortunately, at that point I probably become the "creepy old pervert hitting on the little girls". This is a very small (and gossipy) community. I'm at a point in my life where I really don't care what people say about me any more, but for her sake I do NOT want her name dragged through the mud. She doesn't deserve it. I won't let that happen. I understand what you are saying, it is defeatist, I wish it wasn't this way. But it is what it is.
La.Primavera Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Try and keep your heart open to the possibility of meeting someone else. You deserve to find love too.
Qboro90 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Crummy situation so I feel for you. While I doubt doubt that she is close with you and will be playful and maybe even flirty, the fact that you are so much older than she is may be why she feels fine doing those things in the first place. She knows that you'd never actually make a move on her or date her so it's more of a fatherly or older buddy kind of relationship for her. I don't know her so I could be wrong but I've been friends with girls who acted the same way. One was a bartender who while working would constantly play around and have nicknames for her boss who was in his 60's. It wasn't because she was attracted to him at all, just because she was a fun loving girl who was able to interact with anyone. I always kind of thought that she had to have known he would get turned on by her with how she acted with and around him (she was a gorgeous model looking type) and the fact the she was able to tease him a bit was fun for her in some way. If I were you I wouldn't risk revealing your feeling towards her. It might take her by complete surprise and drastically change your work environment. 2
S_A Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a hunch that she does not feel the same way about you, even with the flirting. People at work flirt even when there is no attraction. A lot of it may be due to the fact that she is just a cheery and gregarious person 3
Robert Z Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) I will never tell her, I will never act on this. She may very well figure it out, I don't try to hide it, but that will be the only way she ever knows. Yes, I would like her to know that someone truly and deeply cares about her, but it could so easily be misunderstood and twisted into something bad that I don't want that to happen. I don't want her bothered in any way over this. I realize I may even have to remove myself from the situation (find another job) to keep her from knowing. I hope she never knows. It's the only way it can be. Speaking as a man almost exactly your age, who just ended a three year sugar baby relationship with a 24 yo who I loved more than life itself, I can completely sympathize with your position. You know what I did? I gave it my all. It was a once-in-a-lifetime love and I would have never forgiven myself if I didn't try. Your situation is obviously different because it involves work. But as I read your post I kept thinking how on your death bed you will regret trying to do "the honorable thing" instead of following your heart. News flash - there are no rewards at the end. Either way you end up dead. If you're going to walk away anyway, why crawl? Why not take a chance and be bold? Maybe you could have a few good years as FWBs? As for me, she didn't fall in love with me but she did grow to love me. And we had three incredible years. Edited August 20, 2015 by Robert Z
Hawaii51 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 What do you "gentlemen" have in common with someone a fraction of your age.. Just curious? I mean I have trouble being stimulated, or not hating, women that are my age. Aside of the obvious allure, what is the driving force?! And whatever it is, do you fail to consider that your fractionally-age partner might be a little fuct up for entering a relationship with someone twice or thrice their age?
Robert Z Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) What do you "gentlemen" have in common with someone a fraction of your age.. Just curious? I mean I have trouble being stimulated, or not hating, women that are my age. Aside of the obvious allure, what is the driving force?! And whatever it is, do you fail to consider that your fractionally-age partner might be a little fuct up for entering a relationship with someone twice or thrice their age? Some women like older men. A woman in my own family married a man the same age as her father. If you think that makes her more screwed up than anyone else, I'd like to see evidence for that. What I have learned is that asking for two or three great years is quite a different proposition than a traditional relationship. As for being screwed up, try to beat my ex wife. I dare you. Everyone is screwed up. The more you understand that, the more life will make sense. As for what we had in common, I found that age means very little. When my sb was 21, she was far more mature and sophisticated than my ex wife could ever hope to be. In three years we never had a bad night. Even when she would spend a couple of days with me, it never got dull for a moment. And we NEVER had a fight or even a heated argument. Edited August 20, 2015 by Robert Z 1
Hawaii51 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I appreciate your open reply. I guess I wouldn't spend a moment more than I needed to with a woman that was argumentative etc.. but those are lessons I learned early on with gf's and thankfully not as a wife or mother of my kids. when i was 21-22 i always shot for 28-34 very successfully.. but now that i'm pushing 33, I'm looking at 26 as most ideal lol. And I've played with younger, but I never entertained more as it was a lot of zipping my lips and accepting things as they were if I wanted them to stay as they were. With the older women, things just seemed less stressful, we didn't argue. but I did have some really good women and I was able to learn a lot from them. It's all about the moment anyways, so years don't matter.. But I would be slightly skeptical in thinking this young woman was going to be with me for the rest of my days or when things start heading south.
autumnnight Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Age can be just a number, at least for awhile, but if she is in a committed relationship, I admire your character for steering clear. 2
RecentChange Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Crummy situation so I feel for you. While I doubt doubt that she is close with you and will be playful and maybe even flirty, the fact that you are so much older than she is may be why she feels fine doing those things in the first place. She knows that you'd never actually make a move on her or date her so it's more of a fatherly or older buddy kind of relationship for her. I agree with these statements - from my experience at least. When I started working in my professional field 15 years ago, I was a young 20 something (like your "girl" also in a relationship) - working in a field dominated by older men. Just about everyone I worked with was old enough to be my father. And I grew close to some of them. Especially the man who was mentoring me - that I worked closely with daily. I remember explaining to a friend once about how close I had gotten to this one man in particular, and how I cared for him.... but I cared for him in the same way that you want to see a friend happy, not in a romantic sense at all. And looking back, I am fairly certain I was giving some "flirting" vibes.... I dressed pretty damn cute (little skirt outfits etc) - I could feel them "looking". And while it can be a bit fun to flirt, and I might even find them handsome - I would have been horrified if any of those "old dudes" tried to make a move. And I can't imagine how awkward it would make the office after a move was made....
Author ARegularGuy Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Well, thought I'd update y'all on my situation. After 2 wonderful nights at work this week I realized I can't continue like this. I just can't take it, so I have made a conscious effort to put some distance between us. Last night each time we had interaction I kept it friendly but professional and otherwise avoided contact with her. It hurts. I hate it, but I have to do this. She noticed. Her best friend there at work came and asked me if anything was wrong and if I was okay, I just told her that it was a long story and didn't go further. I have to work overtime tonight and she will be there. I'm not looking forward to it. This may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Robert Z Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Age can be just a number, at least for awhile, but if she is in a committed relationship, I admire your character for steering clear. Yeah, I skipped right past that. But if she isn't married then "committed" can mean a lot of things. For all we know, she may dump the guy next week. And if she IS truly committed then ARegularGuy couldn't be a threat no matter what he does, right? When I hear "committed", my next thought is, fine, then why aren't they married?
Author ARegularGuy Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 And now, after spending the day curled up in the fetal position, I have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
Author ARegularGuy Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 I didn't mean this thread to be a running diary of my daily woes, but I'm finding that typing things out and seeing it on the screen helps some. If no one reads it or comments that's okay. It's therapy for me and I need it. I failed miserably last night, which in this upside down situation means is was a wonderful night. We work in similar but different inter-working support departments in a factory setting. Her position puts her on the production floor most nights but since last night was limited production she was assigned to do work that put her just about 20 feet from me for the night. I started the night as I planned, I was friendly and professional with her when she needed advice, which was often. Whenever I would happen to glance her way (which I tried NOT to do, but that was impossible) she would be watching me. About 2 hours in she came to me and asked me if anything was wrong. I told her I was just having to deal with something. At that instant, when I said that, I got the distinct impression that she knows. I melted into her eyes and could not continue my attempt to distance myself from her. It became impossible. We fell right back into our old routine, we talked most of the night, with loads of extended eye contact. I swear she can look right into my soul with those eyes. So here I am again. Same situation. My god I love her.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Good lord. This sounds like the movie American Beauty. 1
Timshel Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 At that instant, when I said that, I got the distinct impression that she knows. I melted into her eyes and could not continue my attempt to distance myself from her. It became impossible. We fell right back into our old routine, we talked most of the night, with loads of extended eye contact. I swear she can look right into my soul with those eyes. So here I am again. Same situation. My god I love her. For a woman who is twenty and has a boyfriend, there is a very good possibility that she has no idea of her effect on you. It is likely she is flattered by your attention and enjoys your friendship.....only. That said, maybe it's time for you to 'sh*t or get off the pot.' Tell her that you are attracted and ask if she will go out for a date. She will either be very surprised at your feelings and insist on friendship only or she will agree to a date. Either way you will have an answer and be able to move forward appropriately and hopefully in less distress. If she is surprised and not wanting more than friendship, please be understanding. She is very young and likely unaware of your feelings. Good luck! 1
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