HansonGirl Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I went out with a guy from online dating, and he kept trying to grab my hand. i first noticed when we were at the table and he'd gratuitously would put his hand on my hand or on my arm, then later he actually held my hand but i was like not into it, but i wasn't going to like be super rude about it, so i just sort of just didn't reciprocate anyways, to me this seemed really strange. I wasn't THAT attracted to him. How can you do that when first meeting someone? Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Yeah because you were not attracted to him you found it creepy. If you were attracted, you would be saying what a nice gentleman he was. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Yeah because you were not attracted to him you found it creepy. If you were attracted, you would be saying what a nice gentleman he was. on the first date though? I still feel like if i was attracted, I would be thinking there was something wrong with him in the back of my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 on the first date though? I still feel like if i was attracted, I would be thinking there was something wrong with him in the back of my mind. Reads like he's a demonstrative person and probably will be even more so the closer to and more involved with you he gets. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it on the first date IF I was attracted to him. Perfectly A-OK for you to not be comfortable with it...but, own it as just that: YOU are not comfortable with it...NOT that there's "something wrong with him" (emphasis mine). Best of luck to you, OP... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Yeah because you were not attracted to him you found it creepy. If you were attracted, you would be saying what a nice gentleman he was. Agreed. Once on a first date with a girl I met in college, I tried to hold hands, and she pulled away and said something like she didn't like people touching her she didn't know well . A couple weeks later I was at an event where I saw her holding hands with some guy the whole evening. What she said on our date was probably her way of saying she wasn't attracted to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Dash Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Yeah because you were not attracted to him you found it creepy. If you were attracted, you would be saying what a nice gentleman he was. Agree. If two people are strongly attracted to each other, any thing can down on the first date. Anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Agree. If two people are strongly attracted to each other, any thing can down on the first date. Anything. Yep. A recent first date reached across the table to stroke my beard. I was a bit surprised by it. But always make hay when the sun is shining. I grasped her hand and held it for a little while before reaching across the table and coaxing her forward by the chin to kiss her. We kissed for a long time. It wasn't until I remembered we were in a restaurant and an audience was present that I pulled away. It was a very nice kiss. And a nice first date. Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 thank god he didnt try to kiss you. youd scream rape! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 thank god he didnt try to kiss you. youd scream rape! That's not fair, nothing about my post suggests anything like that, i wasn't accusing him of sexual assault. If he tried to kiss me, I wouldn't like it because I am not sure I am interested, and I'd be annoyed that i'd be in that position of having to decide what to do. (give him the cheek or recoil) Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Not strange for me either. If you're attracted and want to take things further, holding hands and/or getting a kiss on the first date would make both ALOT more comfortable and indicate that you're both strongly into eachother without any mixed signals, making the second date alot nicer! If you're not into it then obviously you'd see it as strange and a little awkward, nothing wrong with the guy, unless he kept forcing it whilst you were clearly showing discomfort and no interest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 For goodness sake. He was attracted to you. That is why he wanted to hold your hand. Just pull your hand away or say that you don't want him to touch you. It was only creapy because you let it happen and didn't want it to. But instead of making it clear you let it carry on and went like a limp biscuit. Very mixed signals being given out by you there. Guys are not mind readers. They have to wade through 10001 personalities just as we do. Because you didn't move your hand away or ask him not to he may have thought you were just shy?! You have a mouth - use it and speak up! Don't see this guy again. I have been on dates where chemistry has been fantastic. Holding hands, lots of touching etc. I have been on first dates where other couples have asked how long we have been together and been shocked that its five minutes and only just met. I have been on first dates where I just did not want the guy anywhere near me... This guy has done absolutely NOTHING wrong. He was just trying to woo you. So you didn't want it on this occasion - move on and give the poor man a break. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) For goodness sake. He was attracted to you. That is why he wanted to hold your hand. Just pull your hand away or say that you don't want him to touch you. It was only creapy because you let it happen and didn't want it to. But instead of making it clear you let it carry on and went like a limp biscuit. Very mixed signals being given out by you there. Guys are not mind readers. They have to wade through 10001 personalities just as we do. Because you didn't move your hand away or ask him not to he may have thought you were just shy?! You have a mouth - use it and speak up! Don't see this guy again. I have been on dates where chemistry has been fantastic. Holding hands, lots of touching etc. I have been on first dates where other couples have asked how long we have been together and been shocked that its five minutes and only just met. I have been on first dates where I just did not want the guy anywhere near me... This guy has done absolutely NOTHING wrong. He was just trying to woo you. So you didn't want it on this occasion - move on and give the poor man a break. This thread has taken a life of its own. I simply asked if it's typical for someone to do that on a first date. that's all. I got my answer. people said, yes that's normal, nothing wrong with it. I am not trying overanalyze it any further. Just wanted to clear up the person who said i'd probably scream rape if he tried to kiss me. that's just ridiculous. And PS i never said I WASN'T interested - I am just not sure. It just felt a little FAST to me. I never even used the words "creepy" so I am not sure where you got that. Edited August 20, 2015 by HansonGirl Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) This thread has taken a life of its own. I simply asked if it's typical for someone to do that on a first date. that's all. I got my answer. people said, yes that's normal, nothing wrong with it. I am not trying overanalyze it any further. Just wanted to clear up the person who said i'd probably scream rape if he tried to kiss me. that's just ridiculous. And PS i never said I WASN'T interested - I am just not sure. It just felt a little FAST to me. I never even used the words "creepy" so I am not sure where you got that. I was on this first date with this guy - lovely. So smart. Insightful. He was also a bit touchy, casually touching my chair, or my hands, making light contact other ways... well... also i did find him immensely interesting, the touching part felt off to me. A month later I was on a first date with a different dude. I would feel he was drawn to me, and I was finding it funny . As the date unfolded, we went for pizza and salad and he also touched me hand and tried to play some silly games on the table... I liked it. I still felt it was a bit much for a first date, but when he hold my hand, it didn't feel awkward... just a bit... early . I trust my instinct. I went on three - four dates with the first guy and he was expecting that we immediately become intimate - turn off. Inline with his initial behaviour, I felt he was faking that we were together, a bit. I went on two dates with the second guy. I liked the second one even better. Even if I never hear from him again, I feel that our dates and our interactions enriched me. He's not perfect nor do I have a crush, hehe. Second dude is just interesting. Edited August 20, 2015 by candie13 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I wouldn't be so quick to write it off and say OP is not attracted. Sometimes it can be bad timing or pushy, I have only had one first date where he held my hand but it was toward the end of the date and it just felt right. I would probably have felt awkward imagining other dates holding my hand so soon. Even with my ex who I was very attracted to from the start. We held hands on the second date and it felt right. People on here think I have something wrong but i just like to take my time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 With my ex we saw sparks when we first met, held hands within the first 30 mins of meeting eachother :love: Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 To touch you and to hold your hand he needs to invade your personal space, some people can do that seamlessly and it seems natural. It is about relaxation, and trust, if you feel relaxed and happy to let down your guard, all is well. If it seems a bit stilted, a bit creepy, or you do not want him to touch you then you are not relaxed, you put your guard up, it feels uncomfortable, you recoil and you try to avoid any more touching. We all learn pretty early on who we can get close to and who we should treat with caution and keep our distance from, but in dating some men ignore the normal social cues as they feel entitled to get close to a woman and that is when it can all get quite awkward... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I think the dude just needs to learn to read body language a little better. The only thing that's a bit weird is you say he "kept trying". He should have noticed you weren't into it and stopped trying. Is he a little shy? If you were interested in him but not wanting to hold hands (yet) you could have just told him that, since he obviously wasn't picking up on your signals. But wouldn't it be so nice if people could read our minds?! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 This thread has taken a life of its own. I simply asked if it's typical for someone to do that on a first date. that's all. I got my answer. people said, yes that's normal, nothing wrong with it. I am not trying overanalyze it any further. Just wanted to clear up the person who said i'd probably scream rape if he tried to kiss me. that's just ridiculous. And PS i never said I WASN'T interested - I am just not sure. It just felt a little FAST to me. I never even used the words "creepy" so I am not sure where you got that. Do you realize some people have sex on a 1st date? Others think it's perfectly fine to kiss the other person hello upon 1st meeting them from OLD into real life. A good number expect the 1st date to end in a kiss. The fact that you are freaked out because a man who liked you enough to take you on a date tried to hold you hand worries me. At the very least because you were so uncomfortable with the idea of even such G rated sweet touching, put the onus on you to communicate your issue to him. The poor guy probably left that date scratching his head trying to figure out what he did wrong. As others have said, if you were into him, you would have be thrilled that he tried to hold your hand & probably even a little miffed if he didn't try for a kiss. Sometimes guys are damned if they do & damned if they don't. I'm not saying you can't draw the line about where you want your physical boundaries any where you like. I am saying you needed to be clearer in your communication of those boundaries to a stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 To me and many people out there (clearly not on these forums) hand holding and kissing is quite intimate and special. These are 2 strangers, there is probably a bit of nerves and not everyone knows immediately how they feel or feels instant "sparks". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I'm not saying you can't draw the line about where you want your physical boundaries any where you like. I am saying you needed to be clearer in your communication of those boundaries to a stranger. Problem is, those barriers are flexible, because all people are strangers at the first date. Yet not all men are born equal and attraction is what makes those barriers firm versus more flexible. It is wrong for the poster - IMHO - to say or think "whatta weirdo, trying to hold my hand at the very first date" because what may seem weird with a guy may seem natural with another one. It's also true that her date has the right to try to make contact and even to try to sweet talk her, but he should be really attentive to her reactions and the cues she's giving, to understand if she feels comfortable with such displays of attraction or not. And she should be giving out clear yet gentle signs of "ok, I'm fine with this" or "nope, too much, slow down, cowboy". Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Good point smiley1. A new insight for me about myself. Holding hands must actually be quite intimate to me. Just looking at my past, I'm much more likely to kiss or even have sex on the first date than hold hands. Kissing is multipurpose. There are so many different ways to kiss. It can send many different messages. To me holding hands sends the message - we are together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 To me and many people out there (clearly not on these forums) hand holding and kissing is quite intimate and special. These are 2 strangers, there is probably a bit of nerves and not everyone knows immediately how they feel or feels instant "sparks". It is intimate and special. That is why you only do it with the people you are interested in having an intimate and special relationship with... its why you move away from those you are not interested in having that sort of relationship with... In the initial stages of dating many people find it difficult how to convey what they want and how they feel... Hence they try to communicate that through touch... I really don't see why more people are not just honest with their preferences and why they expect others to be mind readers. Makes everything 10 times harder than it needs to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Do you realize some people have sex on a 1st date? Others think it's perfectly fine to kiss the other person hello upon 1st meeting them from OLD into real life. A good number expect the 1st date to end in a kiss. The fact that you are freaked out because a man who liked you enough to take you on a date tried to hold you hand worries me. At the very least because you were so uncomfortable with the idea of even such G rated sweet touching, put the onus on you to communicate your issue to him. The poor guy probably left that date scratching his head trying to figure out what he did wrong. As others have said, if you were into him, you would have be thrilled that he tried to hold your hand & probably even a little miffed if he didn't try for a kiss. Sometimes guys are damned if they do & damned if they don't. I'm not saying you can't draw the line about where you want your physical boundaries any where you like. I am saying you needed to be clearer in your communication of those boundaries to a stranger. Haha actually he already contacted me about going out again. I suppose it seemed too fast for me. Maybe it does have to do with my level of attraction not being high enough. So maybe you are all indeed right. So i apologize for offending anybody i might have offended. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Haha actually he already contacted me about going out again. I suppose it seemed too fast for me. Maybe it does have to do with my level of attraction not being high enough. So maybe you are all indeed right. So i apologize for offending anybody i might have offended. So i take it you are not seeing him again? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Haha actually he already contacted me about going out again. I suppose it seemed too fast for me. Maybe it does have to do with my level of attraction not being high enough. So maybe you are all indeed right. So i apologize for offending anybody i might have offended. I wasn't offended, just a bit worried about you that you may be putting yourself in vulnerable positions because you are too naive to realize the dangers. I'm not saying you are naive but that your post read as though you may be. Anyway, at this juncture it seems to me you & this guy are on different pages & he doesn't have too many clues. If you were that off put by hand holding & repeatedly rebuffed his efforts, it amazes me that he asked for a 2nd date. The ball is clearly in your court, but I caution against leading him on. If you can't see yourself moving this relationship forward however you define progress, decline a 2nd date. Link to post Share on other sites
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