Revenge?

[autumnnight]

Do any of us ACTUALLY know with 100% certainty that the remorse we see is genuine?

 

What is the one thing we do know with certainty about our WS? That they are great liars, and that what they want comes before our needs.

 

Yes I got the tears and snot running apology. It didn't happen at first, she had a lot of anger (much of that at herself), when that dissipated I got what seemed to be remorse.

 

But how do I know that it was real remorse, and not just what she decided she needed to say just to smooth things over? How can any of us know the answer to that with certainty?

 

OK let me ask this:

 

Up until this morning, would you have said her remorse was real? If yes....with gentleness and empathy....let it go.

[Horton]

OK let me ask this:

 

Up until this morning, would you have said her remorse was real? If yes....with gentleness and empathy....let it go.

 

To the OP.

 

If you never had any reason to doubt her remorse before this dream situation, then don't throw away your marriage over this. However if this is just another piece of the puzzle for you and she has given you reason to doubt her sincerity before, then I wouldn't write this off as nothing just yet. Also why can't you talk with her about this in detail? The fact that you don't seem to feel very comfortable really getting down to the nitty gritty with her over this and thus making yourself vulnerable to her makes me wonder if you've been feeling uneasy for awhile now.

[road]

Good advice.

 

This was a LTA - 3 years of EA & PA, and some number of years before that as an EA only. He was at my house. Was friendly with my kids. Slept with her in our bed. Stayed at our house while I was out of town.. had sex in our shower and bathtub.

 

She knew this would hurt me. There is no doubt about that. The truth is that during those years she just didn't care.

 

 

 

I hope that you are still not living in that same house now. That you had a bed barn fire.

 

 

So did you move and replace the soiled furniture?

[Artie Lang]

being that you were cheated on, you will forever dissect any/and every comment similar to this. it's gonna trigger you for the foreseeable future.

 

you're comment about infidelity being the "gift that keeps on giving" is right on the money, my friend.

[autumnnight]

To the OP.

 

If you never had any reason to doubt her remorse before this dream situation, then don't throw away your marriage over this. However if this is just another piece of the puzzle for you and she has given you reason to doubt her sincerity before, then I wouldn't write this off as nothing just yet. Also why can't you talk with her about this in detail? The fact that you don't seem to feel very comfortable really getting down to the nitty gritty with her over this and thus making yourself vulnerable to her makes me wonder if you've been feeling uneasy for awhile now.

 

Very good points. Talking honestly with her...this is a good idea. I would bet, if her change was real, that she did not even think about how it sounded, and when you tell her how it made you feel, she will be mortified.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do any of us ACTUALLY know with 100% certainty that the remorse we see is genuine?

 

What is the one thing we do know with certainty about our WS? That they are great liars, and that what they want comes before our needs.

 

Yes I got the tears and snot running apology. It didn't happen at first, she had a lot of anger (much of that at herself), when that dissipated I got what seemed to be remorse.

 

But how do I know that it was real remorse, and not just what she decided she needed to say just to smooth things over? How can any of us know the answer to that with certainty?

 

Lots of anger still inside you, understandably so. Sad that you're dealing with this a decade or more later.

 

My normal thought is that, having stayed this long, you've agreed to assume half the burden - forgiveness - of recovering your marriage. Assuming your WS is doing her part, you need to look past small things like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

It does seem petty, but 10 years ago and a 10 year affair. Understandable.

Edited August 20, 2015 by 66Charger

[aliveagain]

I hope you got rid of the bed, shower, toilet. Maybe you need to redecorate the house, could these things be triggers for you? Are you sure you have forgiven her, is the white elephant too big for the room? Three years is a lot to forgive, I couldn't do it, sometimes even 10 years isn't enough time.

 

In all honesty, after 8 years my ex is nothing more than another face in the crowd, your still struggling after 10 years.

[lolablue17]

I've never met in my life a human being that was telling the truth, all truth and nothing but the truth.

 

1. Because there is not such a thing as truth. (Also in basic Quantum physics)

 

2. Because every one of us survives life by creating a unique perspective of our own. I can say that every one of us is telling him\herself a story which we can live by it. The story that people tell themselves is never true for others. Most people draw a picture in which they they come out better than the picture that others see them. Some, draw a picture in which they come out worse.

 

BUT!! - It's a drawing, not reality. it's never reality. So, your wife tell herself a story. It may not fit to the reality or to the fact you can see, but this is the story she CHOOSE to create and adopt.

 

I advise you to get rid of your nature to find contradictions in her testimonies, because i can assure you - she can find them in your testimonies as well.

 

EDIT - I must admit that i constantly find contradictions in my wife's testimonies and it drives me crazy, so I should adopt my own advice, too...

Edited August 20, 2015 by lolablue17

[sammy7111]

If after 14 years you still have worries then it's time to do something else like leave her. Or have a revange affair sense she so much believes in getting revange

[road]

I hope you got rid of the bed, shower, toilet. Maybe you need to redecorate the house, could these things be triggers for you? Are you sure you have forgiven her, is the white elephant too big for the room? Three years is a lot to forgive, I couldn't do it, sometimes even 10 years isn't enough time.

 

In all honesty, after 8 years my ex is nothing more than another face in the crowd, your still struggling after 10 years.

 

You mean the OP did not move after the PA?

 

 

Unbelievable.

[Methodical]

Very good points. Talking honestly with her...this is a good idea. I would bet, if her change was real, that she did not even think about how it sounded, and when you tell her how it made you feel, she will be mortified.

 

^ This. She believes you forgave her past transgression that occurred more than a decade ago, and rather than dwell on the past, she is living in the present. She hasn't forgotten what she did and neither have you. The fact is, you never will. But, given your thread title, Revenge, you haven't really forgiven her either. IMO, you put aside your differences and forged ahead to where you find yourself today, angry over a compartmentalized statement. Nobody here is marginalizing what she did, but having this much resentment leads me to believe your relationship isn't all that healthy.

 

I'm not the same person I was fourteen years ago, and I doubt she is. I feel bad for you because a blanket statement dreaded up the past for you, causing you to re-live the pain all over again.

[World's.Edge]

I hope you got rid of the bed, shower, toilet. Maybe you need to redecorate the house, could these things be triggers for you? Are you sure you have forgiven her, is the white elephant too big for the room? Three years is a lot to forgive, I couldn't do it, sometimes even 10 years isn't enough time.

 

In all honesty, after 8 years my ex is nothing more than another face in the crowd, your still struggling after 10 years.

I agree with the household and its contents being triggers. He stated in this thread that the affair was three years but that was just the sexual aspect of it and that alone was at least three years. The affair was around a decade long. That's a lot of memories and life that serve as a triggers.

[Popsicle]

revenge is enacted WITHOUT thinking about the other persons feelings. Revenge is enacted by thinking about ONLY your feelings. So this is the place she is speaking from when she talks about revenge. But now she thinks about YOUR feelings and this is why she feels remorse and is truly sorry.

[bubbaganoosh]

Good advice.

 

This was a LTA - 3 years of EA & PA, and some number of years before that as an EA only. He was at my house. Was friendly with my kids. Slept with her in our bed. Stayed at our house while I was out of town.. had sex in our shower and bathtub.

 

She knew this would hurt me. There is no doubt about that. The truth is that during those years she just didn't care.

 

Have to tell you. You handled this better than I would have. One this to have an affair which is bad enough but to have this man in your house, sleeping in your bed, around your kids, if it was me she would have been long gone and you wouldn't be thinking about it 14 years later. No way on Gods green earth would she be there. Sorry but that goes above and beyond.

[NewLeaf512]

Do any of us ACTUALLY know with 100% certainty that the remorse we see is genuine?

 

What is the one thing we do know with certainty about our WS? That they are great liars, and that what they want comes before our needs.

 

Yes I got the tears and snot running apology. It didn't happen at first, she had a lot of anger (much of that at herself), when that dissipated I got what seemed to be remorse.

 

But how do I know that it was real remorse, and not just what she decided she needed to say just to smooth things over? How can any of us know the answer to that with certainty?

 

No one ever truly knows anyone else. You might not put yourself in that catagory but there is at least one thing about you that your wife doesn't know. It could be something like you hate listening to her drink tea, you have a wank bank that includes Madonna as well as your wife or whatever.

 

If after 14 years after DDay you still think of your W as WW and her A crosses your mind at LEAST once a day please investigate why. . If that occurs, that is an issue. You havent really forgiven her. Let it go now or just end it. You will be happier when you do ...

[Cloudcuckoo]

Perhaps a different perspective might offer clarity.

 

If you no longer lived with your wife, how would you feel about the affair? Would it still feel the same? Would you let it all go knowing that you didn't have to see her every day to be reminded of it?

 

Yes we live with the residue of a tornado sweeping through what we believed our marriage was, but the thing is, you can't rebuild that house, it's been totally annihilated. You have to build a new one.

 

I view it that a marriage decimated by infidelity is lost forever. What rises out of that dust can be something much more.

 

You can't ever forget, that's impossible, but we can learn to live with the scars and thrive in a new and healthier relationship if both are all in, that's the most vital element to success.

 

14 years is a long time, and you don't throw away a shared history without serious consideration. That having been said, sometimes the smallest thing is enough to shine a light on a truth you haven't wanted to face?

 

If you don't know what to do, do nothing until you do.

 

Good luck.

 

Cuckoo

[road]

I hope you got rid of the bed, shower, toilet. Maybe you need to redecorate the house, could these things be triggers for you? Are you sure you have forgiven her, is the white elephant too big for the room? Three years is a lot to forgive, I couldn't do it, sometimes even 10 years isn't enough time.

 

In all honesty, after 8 years my ex is nothing more than another face in the crowd, your still struggling after 10 years.

 

You mean the OP did not move after the PA?

 

 

Unbelievable.

 

No one ever truly knows anyone else. You might not put yourself in that catagory but there is at least one thing about you that your wife doesn't know. It could be something like you hate listening to her drink tea, you have a wank bank that includes Madonna as well as your wife or whatever.

 

If after 14 years after DDay you still think of your W as WW and her A crosses your mind at LEAST once a day please investigate why. . If that occurs, that is an issue. You havent really forgiven her. Let it go now or just end it. You will be happier when you do ...

 

 

 

 

How can the OP not be triggered when he is still living in the same house all these years?

 

 

He revisits the scene of the crime every day, year after year. Yet he refuses to acknowledge this when he posts here.

[nightmare01]

I don't come and read here often - so I missed a lot of your comments.

 

Regarding moving and tainted furniture and such. We've moved house twice since Dday. We now live 1500 miles from OM and affair-ville. We still have a child and grand children out that way though, so at times we go out there - sometimes together, but sometimes she goes out there alone.

 

As someone said - for my WW her LTA is behind her and for the most part forgotten. For me it remains always present - mostly in the background coloring my view on things, but sometimes I still get triggered and have anxiety attacks.

 

I don't believe my WW has any intention to see OM again. I believe she hates what she did. She once said that she wouldn't cheat again because of the damage it did to HER. I think she saw the damage it did to me, but it's just too much for her to even approach dealing with.

 

Her affair was with a guy at work, not something related to a class. She takes Tai-Chi and sewing classes, not many men there so I'm ok with it.

 

Again - thanks for all the advice.

[nightmare01]

Sorry - lots of replies that I could comment on.

 

Forgiveness.

For me, if I resent something I can't forgive it. Saying I forgive while still feeling resentment toward the act and the person that did it, is a lie.

 

I will always resent what she did.

 

I try to not let that color our relationship though. We get along fine. Do lots of things together, have a common world view, laugh at the same things, and enjoy each other's company. So I can stay in this relationship and we can be fine.

 

I do have a plan-b in the wings though. If she acts out again, or if I even suspect she is seeing her OM or some other guy, or if I suspect she is having fond memories of her LTA - I am out of this marriage and down the road to a new life. Having this plan-b is what it took for me to stay in this marriage.

[road]

I don't come and read here often - so I missed a lot of your comments.

 

Regarding moving and tainted furniture and such. We've moved house twice since Dday. We now live 1500 miles from OM and affair-ville. We still have a child and grand children out that way though, so at times we go out there - sometimes together, but sometimes she goes out there alone.

 

As someone said - for my WW her LTA is behind her and for the most part forgotten. For me it remains always present - mostly in the background coloring my view on things, but sometimes I still get triggered and have anxiety attacks.

 

I don't believe my WW has any intention to see OM again. I believe she hates what she did. She once said that she wouldn't cheat again because of the damage it did to HER. I think she saw the damage it did to me, but it's just too much for her to even approach dealing with.

 

Her affair was with a guy at work, not something related to a class. She takes Tai-Chi and sewing classes, not many men there so I'm ok with it.

 

Again - thanks for all the advice.

 

 

Every time that you go back there you revisit the scene of the crime. You need to go NC with Triggerville.

 

 

Letting your WW go back alone to visit Triggerville is making you upset and recalling her affair. Dwelling on the pass is not healthy.

 

 

NC with Triggerville is a must for you healthy well being.

[Buckeye2]

So I ask her. So you never do anything bad that you really regret, because the people you hurt hurt you first? She said that was true.

 

I don’t understand why you can’t honestly communicate your feelings with your wife. It’s like you’re afraid that you might hurt her feelings or she might get mad at you. She seems to be doing a lot better than you. Why not give her a chance to help you by discussing it?