dkgwillow Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Ok guys, I'm a complete idiot. I've posted on here twice in the 11 days since my ex broke up with me. We've lived together nearly two years and planned a future together until he started being distant around a month ago. We had just moved into a new house, my daughter came to stay while relocating (she's since left to another state), and other life events were what I believed the cause was, he's the type who holds it all in until little things become the end of the world. Well the morning he broke up with me and said I had to move out he said things had made it to where he couldn't feel his love for me right now, but he wouldn't say he'd stopped loving me, he just couldn't do this, it was over. At first I was shocked, then cried, then got angry and said awful things (he was so cold and matter of fact). Well, I got my daughter to move out within a couple days and handled the only other issue he had mentioned thinking ok, now let's see. When I told him he said now he couldn't forgive me for things I'd said. This is not a stupid man, he knows things are said out of hurt and anger that we don't mean. He agreed to think about it and we began pretty much acting normally apart from he didn't say he loved me anymore and our sex life stopped. He still hugged and kissed me hello and goodbye, still sent me the usual morning text when he got to work, just weird. After a few days he said he hadn't changed his mind, he couldn't forget what I'd said. I started planning to move out, but because he'd broke up with me once before while under stress and in less than a week took it all back I started thinking why this time is he so unsure, especially for such silly reasons when only a month ago we were completely happy? After snooping through things I found a note in a cupboard in the garage where he'd outlined notes to another woman about now being single so they could finally see what was between them. He talked about how he wanted to see her again and how he was relieved it was over with me. I tried to play it cool, but I've never been good at hiding things, so I told him I knew about her. He denied it until I quoted the note verbatim. Then he said he'd not spoken to her by phone or met with her or even said those things to her yet, but that's all he'll say. I can't find anything else out, he's changed all his passwords, I knew them because he told them to me. We got very distant after this for a few days, but I'm still here so we have to deal with each other. I moved here for him and have no support system, so I've been making plans to move back out of state to be near friends and family. I told him in order to do this he would need to reimburse me for all the things I'd purchased or paid half for when he bought the new home we'd just moved into two months before. It was supposed to be our home and the start to the rest of our lives, his words. He agreed, we made a list, divided it in half, and then yesterday he came home and said he'd talked to an attorney. Understand, this guy makes 4 times what I do, he can afford a few thousand dollars to enable me to get a new start, he knows I've lived paycheck to paycheck to pay my fair share in maintaining this lifestyle. He said the attorney told him the value of things is what he'd get selling them in a yard sale. That new $800 treadmill I paid half for? Sell it for $100 and give me half, and so on for everything. He said the attorney was drawing up papers for me to sign stating when he gave me the amount we agreed on I had no more financial claim on him, I was paid in full. I said if he wanted to do it the nasty way I would talk to a friend who is an attorney, for free, and we could go from there. He backtracked fast, started acting all friendly, not wanting to lose my friendship when it was done, said he felt bad for everything, that he wasn't talking to or seeing the woman, that he just needed to be alone because he'd been feeling trapped. It melted the ice around my stupid heart and we talked and laughed for hours like none of this ever happened. You can guess where this is going, we ended up having sex. This morning he's back to being distant like none of that ever happened and it has me wondering what the purpose behind it was. Is he just trying to keep me calm while he and his attorney scheme or while he finds a way to get out of paying me? Like I'm said, I'm a dummy, but I'm not used to these games and I'm losing my sanity here. Help!
Oregon_Dude Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Please break into paragraphs, and people will read.
seasickpeeve Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Why is it you're still living together? Are you able to leave, even to sleep over at a friends? I think it would be best to get away and get some head space even if only for a few nights. He wants someone else, he has said he is relieved to have it over, he doesn't handle pressure very well, he isn't honest and keeps secrets from you, he sleeps with you after knowing he has left. Start planning for a future without him.
casey.lives Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 when you break up and the money went into stuff.. i think it's weird to be making a big deal over it and threatening lawyers. He had a change of heart. I doubt he was planning your financial ruin when you were shopping together. Take what you can and go. He doesn't owe you. You both took a chance.
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Because everything has devalued, take half of the stuff based on what it cost. You'll get more if you don't have to sell it in a fire sale. If you've got a daughter who can move in and move out, then you're old enough to not act like this is your first breakup and you don't know how it works. Go talk to your lawyer friend, and start making plans to get out now.
casey.lives Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) You both took a chance at crazy love. He shouldn't owe you anything. Anyhow, feeling trapped is a very real feeling maybe he keeps secrets because he needs personal space. you are forcing him to steal back his OWN autonomy. It sounds like he might be confused because you definitely have an attraction .. p.s knowing that the person im breaking up with(life happens) is lording financial indebtedness over me makes me not like that person, a little more. They are proving to be vengeful. This makes me so grateful that my ex didn't call his lawyer mom on me when we broke up. He paid for everything.. He could of... It was an act of kindness... i see now :/ : ) Edited August 19, 2015 by casey.lives
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I'm confused as to what he owes you. I agree with another poster that if you could get your daughter to move out why can't you? Maybe you could go stay with her until you find a place. It isn't his responsiblity to help you unless he wants to. Why would you see an attorney? Is it to make him help you with moving expenses? Good luck with that. Also yes he does want a chance with the woman he wrote the note to and I don't believe that he hasn't told her this yet. He is waiting on you to leave so he can try her out. I wouldn't have sex with him again if I were you but start making plans to move out of his house.
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) Why would you see an attorney? It really depends on the amount of property involved, who purchased it, who reimbursed half. What if it was several thousands of dollars worth of stuff? What if she bought some of that stuff, and it is on her credit cards? What if there are substantial checks that were written to contribute half? What if these contributions were made in response to promises to live there with him for a long time? That's fraud in the inducement. There can be some considerations that make this more than just "I paid half of your lunch, so you owe me." The attorney will straighten her out on that score, one way or the other. Small claims court might be the way to go, if enough cash is involved. He might just pay her off so he doesn't have to deal with it. Edited August 19, 2015 by mightycpa 1
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