How do you know whether you're suppressing the pain/loss or not?

[broken25]

I apologize for posting a lot in advance.

 

 

But I need some advice again.

 

 

This is my first ever break-up, as I have not been in a serious relationship before.

 

 

I have felt 'upset' over feeling rejected in the past, and have been afraid of being alone - so I've often latched onto one guy after another. I do NOT want to do that this time, so I'm really embracing being alone, and want to feel the pain. I don't want to suppress it in any way, or seek attention/love from anywhere else. I want to depend on ONLY myself this time, and come out stronger, and less co-dependent after this experience.

 

 

But I'm afraid that I might be suppressing the pain as I do have the habit of doing this, and feeling hurt much later on. I feel I'm suppressing the pain by distracting myself with other things, by trying to be busy, by re-connecting with old male friends (I feel guilty for this, and have NO attention with hanging out with them as this might cause me to suppress the pain).

 

 

In attempts of making sure I don't latch onto someone else again for support, I've been trying to just go through constantly feeling upset until I guess it just stops one day? But this seems to also be counterproductive as if I don't distract myself, I might never move on.

 

 

Can anyone help me out, to ensure that I am NOT latching onto someone else, and am going through the healing process adequately?

 

 

Thank you.

[aloneinaz]

I think you're over thinking this. I get you want to break some bad habits of not being co-dependent and enjoying your own company. What I've always found is you really can't MASK or hide from the pain of rejection. Even keeping busy and or starting to date someone new will only do so much. Your brain will still be healing and you'll still think of your ex. You just have to ride through it and not give those thoughts to much power.

 

 

I met my now 2 year GF a few months after getting dumped by my crazy ex who I REALLY loved, despite what a nightmare she was. My new GF and I only casually dated for the first month as she was getting over her last ex as well. Did I still think about the ex dating her? Sure and I think it's natural that folks do. I think the difference in my case is I knew she wasn't emotionally healthy (probably has BPD) and I didn't want to ever date her again. What I found is that each month that past, she was further and further out of my mind and I didn't think of her nearly as much.

 

 

You could also help yourself by investing in some books on co-dependency and improving your self esteem. I'd say that 99% of folks who stay stuck for months and months of self pity, hurt and can't get over their last ex are suffering from pretty serious low self esteem issues and poor confidence in themselves.

[seasickpeeve]

We are constantly told about 'stages of grief' and 'processes' and that to 'get over a break up' you must 'feel the pain' like it is a linear, step by step thing. But emotions don't work in that way....emotions go in circles, or they come and disappear again or the emotions you expected to feel never arrive.

 

I don't think you can force yourself to feel a certain way or decide how you grieve a loss - it is almost automatic from the emotional part of you, not the logical part of you. I have surprised myself at how I am naturally finding ways to distract myself and feel shocked at how little I seem to care about the break up sometimes. Yet I'll cry or feel sad at unpredictable times. I trust that my mind is sorting through it all in the background and will do what it needs to do in it's own time.....and I'm letting myself go with it.

 

The stuff about turning to other people for distraction from the pain is something I know very well as I have done that alot in the past. It never worked for me and I decided this time I wanted to learn as much as I can from the break up, learn to be single and not run and hide behind sex or relationships.

 

This was tested a few weeks after the break up when a guy asked me out and wanted my number. He was attractive, I was drunk. Part of me wanted to to help me feel better but because I'd already decided it's not how I wanted to go about things this time it was really surprisingly easy to say no!

 

It's about finding what works for you. Good luck

[mightycpa]

I'm not really sure how you could not know. Emotional pain from a breakup is universally recognizable. It makes poets compose, artists paint, musicians sing... and the rest of us, well, it makes us miserable.

 

If you're miserable, then yes, feel it. Cry until you run out of tears. You'll get there.

 

If you're not miserable, then dumper boy did you a favor. Go enjoy.