Tribble Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 How do you go about getting over a break up when you both love each other and want to be together? We broke up because of financial issues on his part. He has problems that he can't or won't solve and no matter what I could do, he has to solve this problem himself. How could I have a future with someone who can't look after himself? So I know why we broke up and I get it. But relationships don't come very easily to me and I saw this having a future, so it's tough. Especially as I love him and find it very difficult think of my future without him. On another note, everyone says after a break up, go NC. We work together so that's not really an option (although I'm hoping to keep our contact to a minimum). How do you deal with this?!
NopeNah Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 If you work together, I'm assuming you make similar salaries? What's his issues with financials? Gambling problem,child support,poor financial decisions?
BlueIris Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Love is not enough if you want a lifetime relationship with a partner that you can count on. It never has been. How do you deal with it? I guess by realizing that it is a bittersweet truth that you can love someone who is not partner material and go on to build a life that is positive for you. A life of rescuing and compensating and digging yourself out of crises would drain you dry. Just be polite and businesslike but keep the reality in mind when you have to interact.
Author Tribble Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 Brill advise blueiris, spot on. It's just difficult to rationalise when it's so raw. And you always think how you should be there for the good and the bad times and maybe I should have held out. But you're right, eventually it would've drained me dry. To answer your question praying4daylight, poor decisions mostly. We earn similar amounts, although I earn a bit more. He just didn't seem capable of living within his means. Got himself into trouble in the past with gambling, which he got himself out of. Then he got some more bad debt and doesn't seem to be able to budget. Just keeps spending when he doesn't have it to spend and getting himself into worse and worse debt in the process. 1
kismetkismet Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Ugh I am dealing with this as well. We spent the last 5 months trying to figure out why love wasn't enough for us and questioning whether we should get back together or not... but love is definitely not enough in a lot of cases. I think there are a lot of issues that can be worked on.. but if you have different goals for the future and how you want to live your lives, you have different values etc. those are things that can't really be overcome. Unless both people are either willing to work towards changing those things or coming to a compromise, they'll lead to a lot of unhappiness. As for getting over it... I'm sure that it's different in all cases, but it can be tough.. My ex and I still loved, liked, and wanted each other deeply. I only just began to feel like i could get over it this past weekend. What pushed me over the edge was really registering his inability to change. I thought that he would want to, or be able to, but after a lot of talking I realize that he has absolutely no desire to do so. I also lost a bit of respect for him based some other situations.. I fully came to terms with his emotional immaturity. That probably doesn't really help you.. but if you haven't talked it through a lot then try to do that.. if you have, then just try to remind yourself how miserable you would be if that went on forever (i don't know your actual issue with him so i'm not sure how this would apply) But most of all I think that it's TIME and rebuilding your life. Pursue new and old goals, do little self improvement things, throw yourself into a routine of self and life improvement (also helps pass the time and gives you something positive to hang on to when you start feeling down). Once you get involved in your own life whole heartedly you will be happier when you don't feel like you have a dead end future hanging over your head. I didn't even realize how unhappy and stuck I was with my entire life - not just our relationship - when I was with him...
kismetkismet Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Also i think people put wayyyyy too much importance on NC on this site. Sometimes breaking up is a process. NC seems to often be about egos and having the upper hand as much as trying to remove them from your life. Seeing him all the time will probably be rough, but will get easier with time. Just try to limit any contact that mimics a personal relationship. 2
S_A Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Love is not enough if you want a lifetime relationship with a partner that you can count on. It never has been. Love can be enough. If you love someone enough, you just find a way to make it happen. If love does not motivate you to make it happen, then you probably did not love the person all that much to begin with.
BlueIris Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Make what happen? Make the bills get paid, make the savings account grow... or make him transform into a financially responsible person? I've certainly seen people try to use their love to convince someone to change, but I've never seen it work. Quite often the person who is being told to change just gets angry.
Goodbye Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Make what happen? Make the bills get paid, make the savings account grow... or make him transform into a financially responsible person? I've certainly seen people try to use their love to convince someone to change, but I've never seen it work. Quite often the person who is being told to change just gets angry. Feeling your pain. Was dating a man with lots going for him. Couldn't get past his lack of ambition/lack of ability to keep himself afloat financially. I feel like that would have been ok in my 20's. In my 40's...not so much.
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