Electrogrrl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 So my boyfriend of a year and a half was away on a business trip for 3 months and during that time I changed my hair color from dark brown to honey. He has always said that he can't stand blondes because his mother is a blonde and he had a horrible childhood. I'm the type of person that loves to change my look and my hair color. I have been dying my hair for at least 10 years and so when I decided to go lighter for the spring, I didn't really give it a second thought. Anyway when he came back from his trip and saw my hair he was not pleased. He told me how much he hated it and how much better I looked as a brunette. This hurt my feelings, but I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I also thought it might've been a shock to him and that he just had to get used to it. Since then he's made rude comments and has even gone so far as to say that he's not as sexually attracted to me anymore because of my hair!! He's even made comments about how now he sees his mother when he looks at me and blah, blah, blah... I told him that if he had such a big problem with it, then I would change the color if he paid for it (Bumble and Bumble ain't cheap, ya know!) But he apologized and said that that would not be right. He dropped the topic for a couple of weeks so I figured that he had just gotten used to it. But last night we were having drinks and I asked him if he had gotten used to my hair color and he said yes, but he still hated it and still thought that I wasn't as attractive because of it. He then went on a rant saying how he had NEVER dated a blonde before and how there were all these studies done about how men prefer brunettes to blondes etc, etc. I'm not sure what to do. I like my hair but I don't want to make my bf feel uncomfortable cause he sees his mom when he looks at me. Also his comments about thinking I'm less attractive cause of my haircolor are really starting to bug me. I'm not usually someone who would bend on topics like this but I'm not really sure what my options are as I've tried to talk to him about sorting out his mommie issues and moving on but he doesn't seem to want to work on them. So is it back to the salon?
SexKitten Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by Electrogrrl So my boyfriend of a year and a half was away on a business trip for 3 months and during that time I changed my hair color from dark brown to honey. He has always said that he can't stand blondes because his mother is a blonde and he had a horrible childhood. yes there are studies that prove men love brunettes, probably conducted by brunettes. there are studies that prove men love blondes, probably conducted by blondes. there are t-shirts claiming "blondes do it better" and "brunettes get it done." in any case, you need to do what you want for YOU, and he needs to get over his mommy issues.
CurlyIam Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 When I was starting to date my bf, I was almost blonde. A couple of months later, I wanted to change and chose a brown coloure... which was more of... really dark brown. Ok, I was a brounette. He wasn't attracted to brunettes. Told me so. No "mom" issues, though. Anyway, he got used to it and the color washed off in three months. Mind you, we were just starting to go out, if he would have insisted to change the colour, I think I would have made another "change" and I'm not talking about hair colour here! Do you like it? Do you feel it's becoming to you? If you don't mind, you can change it. It depends a lot on how you feel about it.
faux Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 It sounds as though, in this guy's mind, he has a very legitimate reason for not liking blonde hair; it stems from a horrible childhood. If this guy sees "terrible mother" whenever he looks at your blonde locks, I'm sure he wouldn't find you all too sexy anymore. Hair color can be very impacting. Fortunately, this hair coloring is not permanant. Try talking to him a little bit more about it. I know you said that you'd go a different color if HE paid for it. Have you considered just shelling out your own money for another dye-job, considering that he just hates it so much? It'd be a good idea to check in advance if there is any other color the guy can't stand. I think it's really up to you. I like my girlfriend with longer hair, but she loves to cut it short. No matter how beautiful we think she looks with longer hair, she claims she is going to do whatever she wants to with it; she does. You have a right to do whatever you want with your hair. It's your decision whether you want to change your hair because this guy can't stand it.
Naive Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 if he loves you he will not care what color of hair you have but that you are still the same person, I know it sounds cheesy but it's true!!!
Dadubwa Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 f***c him.......if he doesn't like your hair tell him to close his eyes.... Look if he REALLY doesn't like it......I say go a step farther.....SHAVE YOUR HEAD!! haha that should wake him up........... IT'S JUST HAIR!!!!!!!!! It grows out, it grows in, it grows where you don't want it, it sometimes never even grows back........ You need to tell you boyfriend to DEAL. Tell him you could be doing worse things while he's gone on a biz trip...and if dying your hair was the worst thing then he should consider himself a VERY lucky man.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 He has always said that he can't stand blondes because his mother is a blonde and he had a horrible childhood. Why are you surprised by his reaction? I can understand being surprised by his tactless way of reacting - but if he has told you all along that he does not like blondes and why - then why would you be surprised that he doesn't like it? It may seem like a silly aversion to you, but it sounds a lot more serious than that to me. It is definitely something he needs to resolve, that's for sure. I remember when my father divorced his sorry abusive cheating b*tch of a second wife - she always wore Chloe perfume. My dad made it very clear to his future third wife (who is a wonderful person, btw) that he absolutely could not stand the smell of Chloe perfume, because he associated it with his second wife. His third wife made the grave mistake of thinking that it would somehow be different if she wore it and that if he 'loved her' he'd be able to overlook his past. She bought a bottle, and my dad freaked out. Could not even be in the same room with her. She didn't understand, even though she knew he had been through a rough time. I got to see it first hand, so I understood perfectly why. She got him to explain that it wasn't her or the perfume - it was the trigger of all those awful memories that the perfume brought up. We are talking absolutely horrible stuff that she put him (and us kids) through. Years of sustained emotional abuse. Years of physical abuse she inflicted on us, and emotionally blackmailed him to stand by and do nothing. Chloe represented guilt, pain, horror, sadness - years of it. She understood with time and explanation of just how horrible it really was, and threw out the perfume. In time, my father resolved his issues - and she never wanted to wear Chloe again. He loves her, but love can't erase the past or the negative associations he has with it. You will have to understand with your boyfriend that you have no way of knowing just how deep this aversion runs and why, nor should you be expected to - but... do not negate or belittle him over something "silly" like haircolor. You have no idea just how horrible it might actually be to him. Talk to him about it. Not about the hair color. About what caused him to have such an aversion to it. Suggest therapy, if necessary. He has a right to his aversion - however, he does not have a right to treat you with such hostility over it, nor does he get to have a say over your hair color. Hopefully he can work through whatever issues it is he is having over this.
mental_traveller Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Would you be cool if he dyed his hair pink, grew a long shaggy beard, or shaved all his hair off? If one of those would bug you and make him look less appealing visually, then you can see where he is coming from. Visual appearance does matter to some extent. Ok, he could have been more tactful about it, but the fact is he prefers you with brown hair to blonde hair. You can keep your dyed hair and be less appealing to him visually, or go back and be more appealing - it's your call. But if you ignore his feelings on this, then don't ever complain if he changes something about himself in future, and you don't like it. I don't get this "stick in the mud" attitude to personal appearance. I mean sometimes I like to not shave for a few days and get a bit of stubble. But if I am dating someone who hates stubble, then I'll generally have a shave each day - it's not like it's a big effort for me, and they prefer it. Or if they like stubble, I'll make a point of not shaving. Wouldn't you want to look more attractive for your partner, with minimal effort? Same as I'll work out regularly so I don't look like an unhealthy fat slob. If I am seeing someone and they put on lots of weight or have great long hair and get it cut really short, even though they know I hate short hair, then that is going to make me less attracted to them, simple as that. Sure, it's not the only factor in liking someone, but it does have an impact, and it's silly to pretend otherwise. People have said if you love your partner, appearance shouldn't matter - I reply, if you love your partner, you should want to take a little time to please them with your appearance.
RecordProducer Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 I am quite surprised by the answers posted in this threat. This whole thing is not about your hair, but his mother and his personality. 1. he has issues that interfere with his mental performance 2. he is rude and hostile 3. he wants to control your life Some people don't show their true colors in the first year or two. What happens when you start doing other things that his mom did? What's the hair have to do with his mother? I think he is looking for an excuse to confront you - something that he wanted to do to his mother, but couldn't because he was only a child. He is a time bomb that can explode anytime, a gun loaded with hate toward women that you will trigger many times. You triggered it with your hair color now, what's next? This a serious issue and he needs a psychiatrist. If he's been to therapy for years and it hasn't helped him, things will probably get even worse with years.
SexKitten Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 okay, so what about the fact that you're a woman... will you be expected to change that too?
Author Electrogrrl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Thanks for the replies everyone. I made an appointment with my colorist yesterday--I have to go in for a touch but am really leaning towards changing to a light brown to smooth over this situation a bit. This whole thing is not about your hair, but his mother and his personality. 1. he has issues that interfere with his mental performance 2. he is rude and hostile 3. he wants to control your life RecordProducer, I totally agree with this and with your thought that he needs a psychiatrist. I have suggested therapy oh so many times to him. He refuses to see one though. His excuse is that because he's British, he's been brought up to handle his feeling differently. He has actually said that he thinks feelings are a sign of "weakness". Many times he won't talk about his feelings unless he's been drinking so.... I don't know what to do about that...I guess you can't make someone get help if they don't want it, but I also don't want to fan the flames, so to speak. Because I do love him I am willing to change my hair if it is such a big issue with him. However the thing that makes me feel uncomfortable about doing that is if I change my hair, what else is he going to expect me to change? Will it be sending out an invitation to become his doormat?
EC Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Man I change my hair color once a month!!! My bf is far away though so he only deals with whatever color I have when he comes down. As for your man like everyone has said he needs to love you for you not your hair color. You are you and are going to be you. Why must you sacrifice your hair color and the freedom to change it because of his mommy issues??
blind_otter Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Electrogrrl, my bf is from the UK and he is kind of closed off, emotionally. I assumed it was a cultural thing. Honestly though, I feel like you guys are being a bit harsh. We ALL have issues, if you say you don't, your issue is being dishonest with yourself! I dunno. If he is so tight-lipped about his emotions "horrible childhood" - could really be HORRIBLE. So you could reject him because of something completely out of his control, or make it clear that you understand the sensitivity of this particular issue (and if you don't please get a book or SOMETHING), and you are willing to compromise to make him feel more comfortable. I mean would you rather he lie to you and say "Oh, it looks great hon" and then secretly dislike it, and have it start impacting other areas of your relationship? I think not. I wouldn't anyways.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 My bf has issues with my new hair color Are you Freakin kidding me? He actually has this serious of an issue over hair color? My first question is, are you going to change it back? If so he has you by the nipples and that's not good. If you keep the color and he leaves you then he wasn't worth it anyway. ITS HAIR COLOR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
tokyo Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 I find changing the hair color while knowing that he has this issue with it, is a slap to his face. You can do what you want, but to complain that he resents you for it is nonsense. I you insist on going blonde, then get him into therapy first, before you make this change. Changing your hair color is no big deal for you, but to him it represents a lot more. If the freedom to choose your haircolor is so important to you, you might better consider to change your boyfriend because walking all over his feelings is not the way to settle the problems you have with his childhood issues, it's just rude. I also think that the argument "it starts with hair color and one day he will ask you for surgery to change your gender" is a bit ridiculous. If there are too many things that he can't deal with and you don't want to accept it then walk out of the relationship, but don't turn it into a battlefield over the priority of your rights.
Author Electrogrrl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 I find changing the hair color while knowing that he has this issue with it, is a slap to his face. You can do what you want, but to complain that he resents you for it is nonsense. I you insist on going blonde, then get him into therapy first, before you make this change. Changing your hair color is no big deal for you, but to him it represents a lot more. If the freedom to choose your haircolor is so important to you, you might better consider to change your boyfriend because walking all over his feelings is not the way to settle the problems you have with his childhood issues, it's just rude. Yes, he also said that my decision to go lighter was a personal attack on him though it most certainly is not. Throughout our relationship he has constantly requested (sometimes demanded) that I make changes to myself. Some of these changes are nasty little habits that I need to get rid of anyway--such as I used to be a big pot smoker and he is totally against that (despite being a heavy drinker himself). He said it was either the pot or him. So I quit smoking. Also in the beginning of our relationship he used to complain that I was too negative and that I always brought him down and it was ruining our relationship. So in an effort to save our relationship, I put myself in therapy to sort out my own mess and have been going every week for a year (another thing he doesn't like and always suggests that I stop going). I am well aware of what it is like to have a horrible childhood, having grown up with an alcoholic/drug addict for a mother, but at least I work on myself and don't expect everyone else around me to change in order to accomodate my issues. I can't make him go to therapy. He's an adult and has to make that decision himself. I am there for him when he needs to talk or to offer up any advice if he asks for it but I am not a substitute for a professional. If you read my second posting I said I was willing to go to a light brown in order to make him feel more comfortable. I guess I am just tired of always having to be the one to change.
blind_otter Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 electrogrrl, having been in therapy you are probably aware of "triggers". I've been in and out of therapy for 8 years now. But according to all my therapists, there are certain traumas that one never "gets over" - you just learn to cope and avoid the triggers. For him, blond hair may trigger intense feelings of anxiety, distress, or rage - that are confusing and frustrating because they are not related to you, but to his issues with his mother. Honestly though, you've put a lot of effort into changing for the relationship, which is not a great thing. But knowing how much he hated blonds....I dunno, it really does kind of seem inconsiderate. I have triggers, because I had some serious traumas when I was younger, and I will never be able to "get over" them - but I most certainly can ask my partner to respect and avoid my triggers. I've even been advised to do this by several therapists in the past. It's a boundaries and respect and consideration thing.
FolderWife Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Ugh...I see so many bad sides in this. The first thing that I noticed was how he mistreated you to get you to do what HE wanted. His attitude was, "I don't like it, so you're going to change it. If you disobey me, then I'm going to be mean and punish you, so you'll learn to never disobey me again!" Which is a bad bad thing. Also, he hates his mother...my husband hates his mother. He has a hatred towards ALL women. Sometimes, it comes out at me So: You have evidence that he hates the female gender, and you have evidence that he's very controlling and manipulating. You also have proof that he will mistreat you to get what he wants. He has abusive boyfriend written all over him. HOWEVER, he told you up front that he didn't like blonde hair. So you go out and dye your hair blonde Smart move, Sherlock! If you don't want your guy to find you attractive, go out and do exactly what he tells you he finds unattractive. It looks to me like he would view this as you pushing the bounderies of the relationship. Why WOULD you do something that you are fully aware he doesn't like? And if you did it to get a rise out of him, it worked. Therefore, you have accomplished your goal, so what's the problem
Author Electrogrrl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Well, I didn't do it to get a rise out of him. I did it because I like having blonde hair and not every decision that I make for myself takes him into consideration. I know that sounds selfish, but coupled with the fact he had been gone 3 months already and didn't know when he'd be coming home, I thought it was okay to do something I've been doing for years. Blind_Otter, yes I know what it's like to have triggers. Every time my bf gets blind drunk and is obnoxious or rude or whatever it takes me right back to living with an alcoholic mother. In fact his attitude and rude comments trigger my memories of an overly critical and verbally/emotionally abusive family too. So in order to relieve both him and myself of this blonde hair burden, I've made an appointment to get it changed. I hope he doesn't find anything else about me offensive or inadequate though...it's getting exhausting. I guess I just wanted to see if I was being too sensitive about the situation but it's been made clear to me that I've been the inconsiderate, insensitive one. Thanks for everyone's posts!
tokyo Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Electrogrrl, you're right you made great efforts to change yourself for the better and to make your relationship a pleasant and harmonic one. And I think you're right that he could do something about his problems as well, he should also do his share instead of merely discarding therapy as nonsense thus belittling the things you do out of love for him. But imposing your needs on him by doing something deliberately against his wishes is just creating resentment. You've created facts and you expect him to accept them. I'm sure, nobody would accept it. Even when somebody doesn't say anything, it will always cause him to believe that he got walked over. That he is not appreciating the things you do for him and make you feel unloved is one thing, him not accepting your haircolor is something different. If you feel that he's not doing enough in your relationship you have to talk with him about it, not enforce it with other means. I do think you boyfriend is extremely insensitive with his drinking. I'm sorry for that.... Talk with him about this, that's your right in this case. kooky
Author Electrogrrl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Thanks Kooky...I've discussed his drinking with him, many a time. Partially because of how it makes me feel and partially because I worry about his health. But his reply is "I'm English. It's what we do." I've tried talking to him about several issues that we have in our relationship, but it's like talking to a wall. He's definitely one of the most stubborn people I know. Mostly he doesn't offer excuses, but just says "this is how I am and you've always known that." I love him and he has many great qualities but his refusal to make any kind of changes is really starting to get to me.
New_Wife Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Hey, wait a sec... You said you're in weekly therapy, right? What does your therapist say about all of this? That person knows you a LOT better than what we could glean from reading for a moment or two. In your shoes, I'd run this by my therapist and then LISTEN.
Author Electrogrrl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Well, when this first happened I told my therapist about it because my initial reaction to this was: it's his issue that he has to deal with and how dare he tell me to change...yada, yada. My therapist agreed with me. I honestly thought that when I initially offered to change it if he paid for it, and he apologized and said that would be wrong of him to make me do that, that the situation was over. But it wasn't. He kept on with the comments. Now I am finding that the more comments I hear, the more I dwell on it mentally and the more feelings of inadequacy it triggers in myself.
tokyo Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Wow, your partner is very insensitive. I thought everybody wants to please his partner... I'd first go and change my haircolor back to normal, thus deleting on big stress factor. Then I'd have a talk with him about the other problems I had (do not mention that you changed the haircolor back for him or try to blackmail him in any way). You deserve that he also treats you with some respect and that he tries to understand you. If he has issues he needs to work on them, that's part of being together, if he wants to get accepted as he is he should go back to mommy. (Mean, I know and don't tell him either ). Tell him what makes you unhappy and why. If he doesn't react at all I might either think about other ways to get through to him or I might lose my patience, give him a kick and walk out of this relationship. I guess, you'd have to find out if he's acting like this because he has serious issues that he's trying to block out, because they bring him bad memories or if he's a jerk. I guess, it's the former and you need to get him to therapy, but I also don't have any good ideas right now.... Anybody else here who has ideas? If you were insensitive, he was twice or thrice.
blind_otter Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 My Dad, although not british, is very old school. Has severe PTSD from the Korean War and the Vietnam War, refuses therapy...he was a severe alcoholic for 12 years, and actually drank and smoked until he literally couldn't because he had had 4 strokes and 5 heart attacks. He has always been quite closed off regarding his emotions, but he is still a doting father, affectionate in his way, and a good man. That's where I learned how to deal with men like this - they show how they feel by how they act towards you, but have difficulty saying how they feel. It's a result of having been traumatized severely. Emotions of any kind are frightening. My bf, on the other hand, is Scottish, and the exact same way re: drinking....he only really opens up when he drinks a bit, though he is very controlled about how much he lets himself drink (especially around me, for some reason)....if he wants to talk about anything vaguely emotional, he always wants to go out for drinks first and then come home and talk about things. Or buy alcohol and drink at home. Or even have a few beers before calling me!
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