Scale Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Hi guys, I need your support on this situation in my life. I don't understand why it has to be so complicated always and not a smooth sail. My friend's ex (as she was 1 year ago) and I are more than friends and surely have feelings for each other. They broke up as he was not sure of her. We met through him and got along really well. Yes, we are very compatible, bring out the best in each other and understand each other and bond also very well at every level. We've overcome all our fights, differences and invested time to understand each other. We have been mentally, emotionally and physically involved with each other too. After a year of snooping around and after nothing working out for my friend with other girls, he came back to his ex and tell's her I'm sure of you. She on the other hand took her time and mentally took a decision to be with him. Her reasons - its unfair to him, in her family being a different religion they would not accept me and it would be nearly impossible. My friend on the other hand is from same religion but different caste so there's still a chance. The 3rd choice would be arrange marriage and marrying someone whom you know for 3-4 weeks; so basically a known devil is better than an unknown one. She consulted her bro and cousin too and they said it would be very hard to support her on with me. They felt I was a great guy. Her family is too conservative and believes in guy being from the same religion and also caste (yes this in India and it still prevails in many families but not all). She has agreed to my friend basically. And they both of them are like on a compromise for each other because even he doesn't want to risk it with anybody else. So both of them are compromising on each other for marriage. What I don't understand is, how can you compromise on a partner for a relationship? But at the same time she doesn't want to let go of me as a friend and by her actions, intimacy, feelings and talks she's still into me. We are more than friends and are into each other much much more. She's not vocally accepting it but her heart is in me for sure. You can tell by someone's actions, as actions speak louder than words. But she doesn't have the courage to accept and fight for me against her mom as she would never accept me. This is what she told me. But yet she cannot stop talking to me or let go of me from her life and she takes the stress of dealing with me and my friend together. She wants both of us. That guy manipulates to get info out from her and he doesn't like us talking to each other. I've tried to explain it to her and treat her like a princess to convince her and opened up all my feelings to her and how sure I've been about her long back, before my friend could even come back. She was afraid about her family accepting me and lost support from her brother and cousin too and got discouraged. Now, she says I'm not going to re-think my decision. So I can't do anything more. I'm going crazy because I'm sure of this girl but I do not have her support to fight against the world as she doesn't accept it. But yet we involved very closely in each others lives in every way possible and got feelings and emotions for each other. Please help me out, as I'm going crazy every day. I don't understand what to do. I've kept no expectations from her and accepted nothing will happen for me and we just good friends who will be there for each other. I cannot share this with other friends either as well.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 She made her choice: him, not you. Based upon her family & I'm assuming the culture, she has already indicated to you that she's not strong enough to defy expectations & date outside of her religion. Unless you are willing to convert, nothing will change. You have to respect that but in the short term you should put some distance in the whole mess. It probably hurts you too much to be around them, so take some time for you. Point blank tell her to leave you alone & that if she ever cared she will respect your need to spend time apart from this. She has to live with the consequences of her choice too & that consequence is that you are no longer at her beck & call.
Author Scale Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 Thanks donnivain. YES I'M WILLING TO CONVERT. I've told her that many times. Also, my mom is a hindu as she is but different caste and mom never converted. Its just that my dad was catholic so I got his last name. On the other hand I'm not so religious centric. She know's all of this. I thought the same thing of giving the distance. What I don't understand is - take one decision by your brain and feel with your heart for someone else. Is that a conscious decision ? Besides she cannot stop talking to me ever and cannot be without me.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 She can stop talking to you. She just doesn't want to. She likes the ego boost of dating him & having you pining after her. Stop letting her use you. If you told her you would convert & she still picked her BF / your buddy, but cited religion as an excuse you have to wake up to the fact that she simply wants him more then you. Sorry. This girl is quite the puppet master. You have to cut the strings or you will remain miserable as she jerks you around. 1
Author Scale Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 hmmmm....ok thanks for your suggestion. Just something I forgot to mention is that she does fight with him on me and that we are close friends and she shares everything with me. But i tell myself the same thing, that she made a choice...so no what. That too she's gonna try with him as there's no sure shot it will work out, it depends on her mom.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Her sharing everything with you instead of her BF, makes her a bad GF. She's not as committed to him as she claims. She's using both of you. Is that really the kind of person you want? Someone who lets religion dictate love, who isn't strong enough to resist societal & family pressures & basically a user?
Author Scale Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 donnivain...just one thing you may not know but out here, we live with our parents and family. It's just how the culture is and we have to listen to them as well even if we don't like, we got to convince them. But the latter of not being able to fight the pressure is what I think of too.
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