QueenDafine Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Ok so me and my boyfriend of 11 months broke up 2 months ago because of alot of issues we were having and also because he lived 4 hours away we hardly got to see eachother as much and it was causing major trust issues and fights. Anyway, my best friend, and I mean she's like my sister pretty much, just started texting him last week. As far as I know they've been talking everyday and she hasn't shown me the conversation (I haven't asked to see it) she's told me what they talk about, though I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell me all of it. I know I can trust her! First, she has a boyfriend she loves, second she's never really warmed up to my ex as they only met twice and thirdly she just wouldnt go there at all. The thing is I don't trust him with what he says to her and that. I still have feelings for him obviously and we've talked a little about maybe getting things together again when I see him in a month (first time in 5 months!) But it makes me so insecure knowing they talk and I dont know why? Maybe it's because lately our relationship we have now has just kind of gone down and I feel like he might not be interested at all anymore judging by how he's texting me now. He texted her first too, and ever since then apparantly he's been double texting her, asking why she always gives him the seen on facebook, teasing her and calling her playful names, talking about things THEY should do when he visits our town in a month, encouraging her to go drink with him and his mates and just overall texting her exactly like how he used to text me before we got into a relationship... I guess I'm afraid he'll like her and be more excited or nervous to see her, and to be honest I'm also afraid that my best friend will like him more as a friend because he's so easy to get along with and it's so hard for anyone NOT to talk to him everyday. I want to see how things go down when I see him but it also makes me sick whenever she mentions his name and tells me when/what he texted her (she always does) and that. I mean his friends sometimes text me but it's never flirty-friendly it's straightforward. I'm not going to tell her to stop texting him back but it's bothering me soo much. Me and her boyfriend are good friends (even she was very uncomfortable at forst finding out we texted one night) but that's it and that's how it will always be. Should I just kind of try numbing down these feelings? It's weird I want to be his friend but a part of me still says he's mine and at this point I'd be pretty devastated if he found another girl. Also I know the first few days they were talking justice about me but yeah obviously not now.
CalvinM Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 You sound incredibly insecure. Has he cheated on you? It seems like you have some major trust issues. Perhaps we could delve further into those. How old are you, btw? I didn't see it mentioned in your post.
La.Primavera Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I think you should tell your friend how it makes you feel. I agree I don't think you should have to give an ultimatum, but if she is such a close friend I can't imagine that she would want to do something that made you feel this way. Not over some guy she hardly knows. Good luck. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I think he already does like her. Does her boyfriend know they've been getting to know each other? It may be just friendly on her end, but I don't think it's strictly platonic from him. Talk to her about how this makes you feel. Once she knows it's awkward for you, I imagine she'll consider your feelings and scale it back. As for you and him, I wouldn't bother trying to hang out with him again. He's an ex. Leave him in that category. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Honestly? It sounds like he likes her and she enjoys the attention. I mean, I find it hard to beleive that she doesn't know that it's wrong on some level. It doesn't mean that anything will happen between them but I would be cautios in trusting a friend who doesn't have the basic respect for me not to text with my recent ex on everyday basis. 4
Jj66 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Four years ago I broke up with a woman. Right after I did that her "best friend" whom I had only met once contacted asked me to be her **** buddy (I guess she had heard some good things - lol). The conditions were that we could never be together, never go out in public, and her "best friend" my ex could never know. If either of us developed feelings we would have to break it off. I agreed and we ****ed once a week for 4 or 5 months until I stopped the arrangement because I had met someone I thought I could have a normal relationship with. I guess that's a counter-point to the guys just wanting sex thread. This woman just wanted sex and I broke up with her because I wanted more than that.
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Honey they both are being disrespectful to you. Your friend enjoys the attention your ex is giving her and would have to be comatose not to see that this is hurtful to you. How would she feel if you were doing this to her with her bf? I think you should come right out and tell her that you aren't comfortable with her texting your ex and you don't understand why she doesn't understand this. 3
kendahke Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) Ok so me and my boyfriend of 11 months broke up 2 months ago because of alot of issues we were having and also because he lived 4 hours away we hardly got to see eachother as much and it was causing major trust issues and fights. Anyway, my best friend, and I mean she's like my sister pretty much, just started texting him last week. As far as I know they've been talking everyday and she hasn't shown me the conversation (I haven't asked to see it) she's told me what they talk about, though I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell me all of it. I know I can trust her! First, she has a boyfriend she loves, second she's never really warmed up to my ex as they only met twice and thirdly she just wouldnt go there at all. Ha! I wouldn't trust her. I'm trying to figure out why someone who has a boyfriend and doesn't like your ex thinks she's got anything worthwhile to discuss with your ex. I'd be telling her that I felt that her being in touch with my ex is stepping over the line of our friendship. It would up to her whether or not to stop and if she didn't, she'd be my ex-best friend. With friends like that you don't need enemies. The thing is I don't trust him with what he says to her and that. I still have feelings for him obviously and we've talked a little about maybe getting things together again when I see him in a month (first time in 5 months!) But it makes me so insecure knowing they talk and I dont know why? Maybe it's because lately our relationship we have now has just kind of gone down and I feel like he might not be interested at all anymore judging by how he's texting me now. Well, he is your ex, so texts aren't going to be constant as they would be if you two were in a relationship. Also--funny how this slid down that slope once she began texting him, huh? He texted her first too, and ever since then apparantly he's been double texting her, asking why she always gives him the seen on facebook, teasing her and calling her playful names, talking about things THEY should do when he visits our town in a month, encouraging her to go drink with him and his mates and just overall texting her exactly like how he used to text me before we got into a relationship... I"m curious: how do you know all of these details when she hasn't shown you the texts and you have been broken up from a boyfriend who doesn't live in town? I guess I'm afraid he'll like her and be more excited or nervous to see her, and to be honest I'm also afraid that my best friend will like him more as a friend because he's so easy to get along with and it's so hard for anyone NOT to talk to him everyday. You should prepare yourself for this to go down as you described here. I want to see how things go down when I see him but it also makes me sick whenever she mentions his name and tells me when/what he texted her (she always does) and that. See, IMO, she's not your friend... more like a frenemy. Friends don't do this to their girl unless 1. they aren't your friend and 2. they're trying to get your man. Doesn't matter that she's got a boyfriend already---his attention is clearly not enough to satisfy her. I mean his friends sometimes text me but it's never flirty-friendly it's straightforward. I'm not going to tell her to stop texting him back but it's bothering me soo much. Me and her boyfriend are good friends (even she was very uncomfortable at forst finding out we texted one night) but that's it and that's how it will always be. Should I just kind of try numbing down these feelings? It's weird I want to be his friend but a part of me still says he's mine and at this point I'd be pretty devastated if he found another girl. Also I know the first few days they were talking justice about me but yeah obviously not now. No. Don't numb down your feelings. Your friend is totally disrespecting you and your feelings; especially when her nose was out of joint when you sent one text to her man. I'd be telling her that the texting of your ex has to stop or you're out of there. She can choose who is the more important friend: you or your ex, who she didn't like when you were dating him. This is all kinds of a mess and neither of these two mean you any good. Edited August 19, 2015 by kendahke 1
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 OP, if this woman is YOUR BEST FRIEND why can't you tell her this is bothering you???? 3
Author QueenDafine Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 Well yeah I know I should tell her it bothers me but its only been about a week and if it goes on a NY longer I guess I'll tell her. We've been best friends for 10 years and I admit there's been a lot of competition between us two but we're really close.. and she does love guys attention!! Anyway I guess I'd find it hard to tell her because 1. I'm stubborn as hell, 2. I have a huge ego, 3. I dont want to admit I'm insecure about this because I've never been the weak one out of us, 4. I dont want him to find out I told her to stop texting him and 5. I have a feeling she'll protest. Ugh, it just annoys me so much that he would be angry if I was texting his friends the way he texts my best friend and my best friend would be angry if I texted her boyfriend the way she's texting my ex! I'm just a huge mess right now
Author QueenDafine Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 Also me and my best friend are both 19 and he's 22. No, he never cheated on me and I was really confident during our relationship and he would make sure to mention what girls were texting him and when. But get this! He ALWAYS made an effort to make me jealous, always and that used to pissed me off a little but I never got way too bothered with it (we had a few fight over it). But the funny thing is he was the most insecure one in our relationship! I had two guy best friends that I was really close with and I used to call on the phone on a regular basis since they moved 6 hours away from me. He used to get so frustrated and angry whenever he suspected I was texting them or on the phone to them (even though it was strictly platonic, they were like my brothers!) And eventually he forced me to cut contact with them and I pretty much didn't talk to them for almost 6 months besides a few texts here and there! And again I know my best friend should know better than to text him every single friggin day buts it's only been about a week and if it goes into next week like this i'll talk to her I guess.. its just I made an effort to cut her boyfriend out when he started getting a bit too close for her comfort but yeah. And also when we were teenagers she never really got any attention from guys so that made her really insecure, but now she's getting more and she'll chat to any guy that texts her so I guess she does love the attention now. But I know her boyfriend is her everything..
guest569 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Both of them are acting inappropriately. Stand up for yourself. 1
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Forget your ego and tell her. If she is your best friend you should be able to be a bit vulnerable in her presence. If she doesn't stop by next week start texting her man and I guarantee you she will cease. 1
h0000 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Technically he is an ex, you don't get to decide who he talks to. And obviously you don't get to decide who your friends talk to. And worst case if they get together, you can't do anything about it. None of them is obliged to do things for you. You just have to take it or leave it
Imported Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 OP, I'm pretty sure they're both just texting about how he can get back together with you. I am sure your friend is just coaching your ex. on how to make you happy. No doubt, they're baking you a cake right now.
kismetkismet Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 This would irritate me a lot. Why does she want to be friends with him anyway? Particularly since they weren't friends while you were dating.. from the sounds of the nature of your friendship it seems like they are BOTH trying to make you jealous. She must know that it bothers you, but does it anyway because she enjoys the attention and competition and knows you won't say anything about it. He probably likes the ego stroke that your best friend talking to him gives him. If you are such good friends you should be able to tell her how you feel. There's no point keeping someone in your life that ignores your feelings and/or deliberately makes you uncomfortable. Not to say you should ditch her AT ALL, those long friendships are very important... but you can change the nature of the friendship by dropping the competition and trying to support and comfort one another instead...
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