Figures out the stages dumper goes through !

August 19, 2015

It was hard. But I finally figured it out after so much research of different break - up studies.

In order to evaluate the stages a dumper goes through we have to take into account

How much they loved you at break up

If they had minimal feelings at break-up

Stage 1: Relief,

They made this decision long before the break-up.

If this person had little love for you they most likely would not text you three days after the break up, going no contact as what we call breadcrumbs. Example:How are you?

If you do not go no contact, and beg her back and message her we have

Stage Two: Confidence Boost

Since not having much remorse for the break up to begin with, this person is confirmed by your desire to obsesively want them back that they are more desired and made the right decision in dumping you. They go out almost immediately with friends, or join online dating sites to

Stage Three: New Relationship Ship.

By this time this person has completely forgot about you, while you are suffering they are enjoying their lives, and the more you contact them the longer it will be before they find any reason to be in touch with you again.

Now let's say you went no contact immediately after the break up? What would happen after stage 1 instead?

Stags Two: Surprised

This person would have expected some kind of pleading, or sadness from your part. But you remaining nonchalant, and unresponsive has made them really surprised which brings them to

Stage Three: Curiousity and Entrapment

They will throw you fake bread Crumbs (text messages asking how you are, when they really don't care ) as a way to trap you into getting their ultimate desire, begging them back.

If you do, they go back to the original format. But if you dont.

Stage Four: Jealousy

They panic that you may be with someone else, and that jealousy will have them texting you, fb stalking you.

If you choose to respond at this point and play your cards right yu could get them back but if you dont.

Final Stage: F*CK that person

They have themselves believe that they are the prized possession, and the dumpee is a loser, and carry on in their life straight into Stage 2 of the previous format.

If They loved you at the break up but broke up because they felt it was the right thing to do

Stage 1: Lonely Ness

They will immediately miss you, and may even send you breadcrumbs day of or by the third day. They genuinely want to know how you are and care for you.

But if you respond or try to beg them back...

Stage 2:Guilt, and Friendship.

They feel very guilty, and offer to be your friend instead. No matter how much you beg plead or text, they tell you that it was the best decision. They most likely will respond to you frequently around this time. But if you dont stop

Stage 3: Pushed Away.

By this point they realize they can have you whenever they want, and begin to feel overwhelmed by your texts,calls or desperate attempts to win them back. If you keep it minimal you can go back to being a friend. If you stop you may have hope still way in the future but keep it up they may sound annoyed, respond late, or even tell you to

Stags 4: No Contact

At this point they have chosen to do no contact. The technique that could have saved you, will now kill you. They just want you out of their lives at this point. They won't even respond to you, and if they do its very hurtful and rude.

Stage 5: Loss if Love, Respect, and Regret

By this point they are happy and confident with their decision. They find you annoying, and have even moved on emotionally. They are ready to

Stage 6: Fun

By this stage they will be out having fun, and even potentially hooking up with different people. Depending on how promiscuous they are single.

Until Stage 7: New Relationship

This is not a rebound as they have lost love for you. It's a brand new start. Your only hope is you go no contact and if this relationship fails they contact you, in a year or something.. or maybe never. Oh well better move on..

But this all could have been avoided if you just went no contact and ignored the breadcrumbs. Heres what really would have happened

Stage two: Confusion.

They are cono used about whether they made the right decision or not. They wonder whether you even care, and where you are.

Stage three: Check Up, and Missing.

By this point of no contact they are asking mutual friends about you, checking your fb, and miss you dearly. They start realizing that maybe they made a mistake.

Stage four-Jealous and Regret.

By this time they are freaking out that you may have moved on, and have some real doubts about ending it with you. They will stop at nothing to get your attention. Whether you give it to them is on you, if yo u dont... guess who just became the dumpee?) Now??

August 19, 2015

Depending on when you go no contact, and how much love they have for you they may still do a few things from the contact format depending on how late you decided to go No contact. For example if you go no contact when a girl who loves you is pushed away she may still go have fun and hook up with guys, as you've pushed her away. But she still has love for you, and has communication doors open so will eventually miss you and may come back before getting a new bf for example. But if you go no contact after she's having fun already she will get a bf and may come back after. It all depends on how soon you go NC to increase your chances.

If your goal is for your ex to not do anything with anyone else you need to go NC Literary right after the break up. Don't even disagree with it. Just say if that's how you feel, and what you want okay. And go no contact

August 19, 2015

It's an interesting survey you made into what goes on in the dumper's mind after a breakup. There's always exceptions to the rule of course.

I've gone NC plenty of times after a breakup and never heard from them again. One girl I dated never officially dumped me, she blocked my phone number, avoided me at every cost and when I finally found her, her male friend aggressively told me to stop stalking her. I was shocked. So I went NC, 5 months later she came crawling back. That was a total surprise.

My recent BU went down ugly. She turned out to be extremely cold and heartless "you know what". Never in my life have I met such a despicable person. I highly doubt she's ever going to contact me again. If she does, I would be sincerely dumbfounded. Please god, let's hope she stays far away from me.

August 19, 2015

Very interesting, how many people were involved with this survey? I think it's hard to label something that is so personal like a BU. But I have to admit I think I recognize some patterns from my own BU, although I was the dumpee. Thing is, I think there will be many exceptions to the rules, just like Gus implied.

I think everyone will have to learn for him or herself what works best after a BU. I should have implemented NC much sooner, but I don't regret it. Because I really feel I did everything to save the relationship. Will I do this again if I ever go through another BU? I honestly don't know, but I do know that next time I'm capable of keeping my emotions thermometer under control and stop whining like a little bitch hehe.

My dad cheated on my mom, and he did everything that you should not do. He begged, he pleaded, he was going mentally insane. It took him three years to get back with my mom, and we're living together as a happy family now. But this was not due to NC or anything, it was because he gave it everything he got. And although I still have not forgotten his cheating, I respect him a lot for all the work he did improving himself and getting my mom back. My mother was the dumper, never had another relationship after their BU and I don't see any similarities with any of the stages.

The one time I was the dumper, we broke up and that was it. I don't think she begged me or anything, we just both moved on. So we went NC both but I never regretted breaking up with her... I found a new relationship after some time and got dumped. I did not beg, just had one final talk and we went NC after that. I did see her one more time after that, we kissed and she disappeared. Never heard of hear since that day. After a year or so I got back in contact with the ex who I dumped. We got back together for six months and broke up again after I found out she was cheating on me.

My point is, I think there are more exceptions to the rule than there is a rule. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your hard work and I'm not trying to trash it. But, I guess everyone knows that begging and pleading are some very unattractive traits. That's why you should not do it! I also don't think it makes a difference if you go NC after a day, a week or a month, because you use it for yourself. If you go NC from the start and your ex comes back crying after two weeks without contact, I think you still have to tell them it was their decision. I told my ex this, after three weeks of NC (after a month of contact post BU). She told me she missed me, I told her that is normal because we were together for so long. But I also told her that she had very good reasons to break up with me (from her point of view, I did not understand any of it haha), and don't let her judgement be clouded by her missing me. Guess what? She never told me she missed me again. If they had a good reason to break up with you, those reasons did not disappear just because you did not contact them for two weeks.

Edited August 19, 2015 by NVO

August 19, 2015

I've read what the OP has posted in many places before. I believe the majority of it is accurate. It's all very psychological how both the dumper and dumpee handle a dumping.

The best thing a dumpee can do after getting kicked to the curb is VANISH from the dumpers life. Block them, family, friends from all social media. By doing this, it helps the dumpee heal the quickest. They re-gain some control/power in the situation. Yes, the dumper made the choice to end the R/S but now the control/power is in the dumpee's hands. The dumpee gets to decide if they ever chose to engage with the dumper again. It's also guaranteed to help the dumpee to heal the fastest. Why? Because they have zero contact with the dumper.

The other ancillary benefit to vanishing after being dumped is it knocks the chip of the dumper shoulder. They think "wow, he must not of cared about me at all". It's a blow to the dumpers self esteem due to the dumpee not crying, begging and pleading for a second chance. Whether the dumper ever wants to speak to the dumpee again or not, it still bothers them and the dumpee looks more attractive and demonstrates strong dignity and self respect.

August 19, 2015

Interesting observations.

August 19, 2015

Interesting!

Like everyone else on here, I too think the whole begging/pleading phase by the dumpee must be a turn off for the dumper. And begging, usually, is never a good idea.

What intrigues me, however, is that my ex WANTED the begging/pleading. And not begging/pleading is what turned him off. I still can't make sense of it.

August 19, 2015

This is bull****. If I dump someone and they go NC I will drop a few breadcrumbs to check if they still care....if they don't answer I move on. I won't humiliate myself and chase after someone who is ignoring me. That's assuming I still have feelings for them.

If someone wants me back I expect a lot of respect and good communication. Ignoring the dumper is stupid game playing.

NC is for moving on and keeping your dignity when you get dumped, not to get your ex back.

August 19, 2015

You forgot another possibility... the dumper is sincere, and the dumpee goes NC immediately.

Stage 2 for dumper: Hoo! Hoo! Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty I'ma free at last!

and the two never hear from each other again. Most of my breakups have gone that way, no matter which side I was on.

August 19, 2015

This is bull****. If I dump someone and they go NC I will drop a few breadcrumbs to check if they still care....if they don't answer I move on. I won't humiliate myself and chase after someone who is ignoring me. That's assuming I still have feelings for them.

If someone wants me back I expect a lot of respect and good communication. Ignoring the dumper is stupid game playing.

If you dump someone, you should just leave them alone, period. Dropping "breadcrumbs" is selfish and manipulative. You seem to want it both ways. The person you've gotten rid of does not want to talk to you. You hurt them.

Is this hard to understand? Sometimes people amaze me.

August 20, 2015

Maybe it's a personal thing. But if I think the relationship is so unimportant to me that I would be willing to end it rather than put in the effort to salvage it, then someone going NC on me just shows that they don't think it's very important either.

If the breakup was due to some kind of character deficiency I did not think the other party would be willing to remedy, then NC would just reinforce the idea that the dumpee prioritises this trait over the relationship.

So ultimately I think NC only serves two purposes. It gives time for the initial emotions to fade out so you can behave in a more rational manner. And it helps you heal and forget. If that is what you want to do.

August 20, 2015

Maybe it's a personal thing. But if I think the relationship is so unimportant to me that I would be willing to end it rather than put in the effort to salvage it, then someone going NC on me just shows that they don't think it's very important either.

If someone breaks up with me, I don't owe them sh*t. I ignore them and rebuild a life for myself that has nothing to do with them. If they didn't want me around, I'm certain to stay gone.

Again, I really don't get how dumpers can think the person they dumped should contact them in any way. Some of you are living in an alternate reality.

August 20, 2015

Maybe it's a personal thing. But if I think the relationship is so unimportant to me that I would be willing to end it rather than put in the effort to salvage it, then someone going NC on me just shows that they don't think it's very important either.

If the breakup was due to some kind of character deficiency I did not think the other party would be willing to remedy, then NC would just reinforce the idea that the dumpee prioritises this trait over the relationship.

So ultimately I think NC only serves two purposes. It gives time for the initial emotions to fade out so you can behave in a more rational manner. And it helps you heal and forget. If that is what you want to do.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Most dumpees such as myself have fought long and hard to keep the relationship alive but once we are dumped we realize we lost the battle. The only thing left to do is to try to salvage what we can. It does not in any way mean it wasn't important to us

That would be the equivalent of a country knowing it lost a war and it still continues to send in troops that would be a pointless sacrifice of human life

Edited August 20, 2015 by pa888

August 20, 2015

So in regards to the scenarios wherein the dumpee breaks NC, and the dumper moves on with a new relationship.... at what stage will the dumper come back?

Sorry, I'm still secretly wishing mine would come back.:(

August 20, 2015

Clearly some folks are miss-understanding some points here. Going NC and vanishing from the dumpers life isn't to "get them back". It's for the dumpee to heal from someone NOT wanting them in their life anymore. When the dumpee vanishes, it helps THEM restore their pride, dignity and self esteem by not begging, crying or pleading to someone who doesn't want them.

As Oregon stated, the dumpee doesn't owe the dumper crap. They ended it and with that decision lost their rights to any further engagement with the dumpee. A dumpee who vanishes from the dumper, blocks them on social media and moves forward will heal faster. They are also smart in staying NC as they acknowledge that they should never even think of revisiting or getting back into a relationship that all ready didn't work once.

August 20, 2015

WOW. I disagree 100%. A majority of long term relationships, both people not only had strong feelings of one another, but a huge attachment at one point. The dumper is very aware that they are unleashing the dumpee to be with other partners, when they spent so long committed, and telling each other they will be together forever. And at one point the dumper was HIGHLY attracted to the dumpee. Overtime, both parties become moRE comfortable and that attraction goes down, and is replaced with security, and love. But MOST RELATIONSHIPS END FOR OTHER REASONS such as lots of arguements, a change of direction in life, dumper feeling hopeless or wanting to try something different. With No contact the dumper will MISS THEIR EX, it's simply stupid to say all dumpers move on and could care less, and that they have no intentions of ever getting back with the dumpee. Although that happens, to categorize everyone that way is stupid, and obviously you haven't heard of people getting back together. Only the dumpee can determine whether the dumper left and there was not many feelings left or not. No contact although is for healing oneself does also heAL negativity that went on in the relationship and after time if the dumpee learns to bring back that spark about themselves they had that drew the dumper to them in the first place can obviously get them back if the dumper comes back.

If A and B meet, an A likes B being fun, non needy, and motivated, and they get together.

A and B have a long relationship, and lots of memories.

Then B becomes needy, negative and lazy and then lots of arguements and A dumps b.

If B goes No contact A and B both heal in different ways.

A begins to miss B and becomes curious and checks in on B in some ways.

If B is out having fun, positive, motivated and non needy again A will be likely to meet B for a cup of coffee to make sure that B has changed.

A during this time has maybe dated C D and E,

And realized it's the same stuff all over again,

And still has had more history and time to build love with B,

So A will give B another SHOT. IT'S VERY SIMPLE

August 20, 2015

I was in two very toxic relationships once. One was only 4 months but very passionate

Both we were madly in love, and both dumped me.

First girl changed her number, obtained a restraining order on me, disappeared from the state and ignored me right after the breakup. I emailed her pleading her back, also angry messages for 4 months, everyday in the beginning, once every week towards the end. Then I stopped, and a month late met girl two. 4 months later with the new girl the ex CALLED ME AND ACTED LIKE nothing even happened and said WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! I was already in another serious relationship so turned her down. But even after all that she craziest girl in the world who I never thought I'd hear from again contacted me.

Now my second one lasted overy a year, again passionate but she was more stable. After breakup a month later of small contact we started sleeping with each other again for a month. This is a girl who keeps in contact with everyone and is super polite and I know will check on me in the future. She told me she is going through GRIEF, not relief, but she had to break up as dhe saw no future. Now although I will go no contact to move on and heal, I know moving on and healing will either introduce me to a new relatons hip or make me attractive enough that when she contact me she will see a change and want me back.

If you guys have relationships where your partner could careless about you then you need to work on yourself because that sucks because I've made an impression on every girl I've been ins LIFE. (STILL IN CONTACT WITH 3 OTHER EXES) BUT I need lots of improvement too

August 20, 2015

I was in two very toxic relationships once. One was only 4 months but very passionate
Both we were madly in love, and both dumped me.

First girl changed her number, obtained a restraining order on me, disappeared from the state and ignored me right after the breakup. I emailed her pleading her back, also angry messages for 4 months, everyday in the beginning, once every week towards the end. Then I stopped, and a month late met girl two. 4 months later with the new girl the ex CALLED ME AND ACTED LIKE nothing even happened and said WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! I was already in another serious relationship so turned her down. But even after all that she craziest girl in the world who I never thought I'd hear from again contacted me.

Now my second one lasted overy a year, again passionate but she was more stable. After breakup a month later of small contact we started sleeping with each other again for a month. This is a girl who keeps in contact with everyone and is super polite and I know will check on me in the future. She told me she is going through GRIEF, not relief, but she had to break up as dhe saw no future. Now although I will go no contact to move on and heal, I know moving on and healing will either introduce me to a new relatons hip or make me attractive enough that when she contact me she will see a change and want me back.

If you guys have relationships where your partner could careless about you then you need to work on yourself because that sucks because I've made an impression on every girl I've been ins LIFE. (STILL IN CONTACT WITH 3 OTHER EXES) BUT I need lots of improvement too

Your story here is exactly my point. Yes, a SMALL % of dumpers may approach the dumpee again and if the dumpee is STUPID, they may give the dumper another chance. Now, a HIGH % of these reconciliations fail in a spectacular way which is why people with relationship experience would NEVER give a dumper a second chance. They understand that once a relationship breaks up, it should stay that way.

August 20, 2015

Oh I totally agree with all of that. My point was just that sometimes NC can have the reverse effect if you're trying to use that to induce some kind of guilt/longing in your ex.

August 20, 2015

okay i need some insight on my situation.

My Ex gf broke up with me over a really stopped argument, i went for NC immediately i was ice cold when she broke up with me i didn't beg or ask her for closure although i was dying inside. Now i'm on 2 months on strict NC, just last week she started to ask mutual friends if i ever talk to them about her or if i miss her or if i'm seeing anyone right now. I'm really confused right now because i thought she would never ask about me :\ what is exactly going on here?

August 20, 2015

I'm really confused right now because i thought she would never ask about me :\ what is exactly going on here?

Perhaps her dating life isn't going very well and she's starting to realize how good she had it. More likely she's curious to see if you've found someone else for an ego boost, jealousy or possible regret.

Just because she's moved on doesn't erase your relationship history with her. Feelings just don't go away overnight and there could be some unresolved emotions there. It can take a very long time to fully get over someone, if at all. There are many reasons as to why she's asking about you. Just continue NC and forget about her.

August 20, 2015

Perhaps her dating life isn't going very well and she's starting to realize how good she had it. More likely she's curious to see if you've found someone else for an ego boost, jealousy or possible regret.

Just because she's moved on doesn't erase your relationship history with her. Feelings just don't go away overnight and there could be some unresolved emotions there. It can take a very long time to fully get over someone, if at all. There are many reasons as to why she's asking about you. Just continue NC and forget about her.

This ^^

You've rattled her ego and self esteem by not begging or chasing her after she dumped you. It's very normal for people to be curious about their ex, especially after only a couple of months. Even if they have NO desire to ever date them again, it doesn't mean they stop thinking about or being curious as to how they are doing.

As Gus stated, who cares. She dumped you and you should be concerned about completely getting over her and moving onto someone who won't.

August 20, 2015

i really was doing so well before this i wish they never told me that she asked about me, now all i think about is this

August 20, 2015

Arda1999 it's going to be ok. DONT CONTACT HER. If she wants to know what's going on worth you truly she will call and I think she will.

August 20, 2015

Interesting post. In my case, it was the 'care about you, but breaking up and I feel so guilty' one and offering to be friends instead. I kind of begged her to stay, but after she left I stopped doing that and became very short and formal with her in the case I really needed to reply (for gathering stuff)

After the second and third day, I guess she dropped what the OP calls 'breadcrumbs' in his post, sending messages with info in it I couldn't really do anything with, like mentioning she thinks of me a lot and again that she feels really guilty, and that I can always call or text if I need it. On the third day she even put things in my fridge without me asking.... wow.

Haven't heard from her since though. Me not responding to her texts must have chased her off from sending more. I kind of feel like a dick not responding, since I know she really has the best intentions for me. But I probably must put myself first and not respond until I'm sure it won't hurt me anymore..

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Figures out the stages dumper goes through !

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