Chronograph Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Hey everyone, I'm still struggling with the whole NC thing and I found yesterday that my problem has to do with hope. While I can see and feel that NC is good, cause there is less pain and you don't really think about the other person so much anymore, my mind seems to play a trick on me there. (I'm 49 days NC) NC makes me not hearing or knowing anything about him or his life, right? The problem with that is: I don't know what he's up to. And that means he could be doing or thinking anything, including regretting that he left me. Wanting to get me back, feeling sad. So, since I don't know for sure, my mind seems to prefer to imagine that he will regret it at some point. And this is where it gets tricky: It seems that I need to say to myself that he surely will regret it and come back someday. Cause I'm a good person. Nobody would leave a good person, everybody would regret it (I know, naive beliefs at work here ...). If he doesn't regret, if he still thinks it was the right decision to leave me, then ... well, then there must be something wrong with me. And I'm rejecting that idea like hell. So NC kind of helps my mind to trick me into the thought: "He surely will regret it someday and get in touch. Maybe he's already starting to regret it. Who knows." So it's keeping up my hopes. And that's bad, no? (and: it's keeping my self-worth connected to his regret, which is even worse). Wouldn't it be better for me to face the fact of his goddamn coldness then and again? Just to realize on a deep level that it's over? Also I seem to view all my activities through his eyes in a way. I do something fun and unconsciously feel something like: If he knew about this, he would surely be impressed and come back. The problem here is again: If the harsh truth is that he genuinely doesn't give a **** about how I am or what I'm doing (which seems to be the case) then what? Where is the point in doing anything anymore? It's like: Who am I if nobody is watching? Who am I if nobody cares? Who am I if I cannot impress anyone? Him in particular. Can anyone relate to this? Can anyone help me? 4
Unlucky_I_Guess Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I can relate to how you're feeling, but bear this in mind...if they really wanted to get back with you then nothing would stop them. If they decide it's too hard then it wasn't worth it to them to begin with. 5
pillowpuffs Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I don't know if it is NC that is giving you hope or just the general idea that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' that is responsible for it. It could also just be down to unwillingness to accept the situation at hand - I don't mean this in a mean way, I'm the same! My ex dumped me then I found out he cheated and HE disappeared on me and it's almost been 3 months and we haven't spoken YET (stupidly enough!!) I still have a sliver of hope. I think the hope dies down though. I wake up everyday and tell myself - he's not here because he doesn't give a ****, he left because he doesn't care and he stopped loving me. Everytime I think of the possibility that maybe he might realise his mistake, I tell myself to get real and accept the fact that if he ever thought he had made a mistake or wanted me in his life, he would be here. No 2 ways about it. I also remind myself someone else is in the picture here (in my case) and that immediately kills the hope and makes my stomach churn. This repetitive thought has sort of helped, I almost laugh now when I think he could contact me again or that he would ever regret what he did. Even though I wish he felt some regret, I realise he's just not that sort of person and he has moved on. It's sad to accept that especially when I feel like for the past 6 years I was good to him and genuinely did love him but that's just how it is I guess - some people get their ex's repentance and remorse while some don't. I feel that the sooner we accept that perhaps we will never get that, subsequently the hope dissipates. Don't be too hard on yourself. I also don't think if you faced his coldness this would be any easier. Some people say it's easier because they end up hating the person and hence getting over the ex happens quicker but it might just get harder to deal with when things turn ugly as well. Continue on with your NC and just tell your mind to accept that your ex may never regret what he's done or even if he does, you may never hear about it. The fact is; he's gone. Sorry love, hope this wasn't too harsh. 4
Author Chronograph Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 No, you're not to harsh pillowpuffs, thanks. You're right. I guess I still have not accepted the whole thing. Or a part of me hasn't. Or whatever. Part of me still can't believe, that he really, honestly thinks it's the best to not be with me anymore. Part of me still goes: "Seriously, man?!" In my case there is also some new girl involved so ... it's indeed very, very unlikely that he'll come back or regret. Sigh! 1
yellowhibiscus Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I definitely felt that way in the beginning. Then I thought about all of the crappy things he did and think even if he did want me back, I wouldn't want him back. I love myself enough to know that I deserve better. Try to focus on your happiness, not his. 1
CT98 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 It always starts off that way, but after a little while you'll start to realise that you don't actually want them back.. My trick to quash hope was to say to myself that if she really wanted me she'd be with me right this second, and that I simply wouldn't settle for anyone who was happy to not see or speak to me for days/weeks/months on end. NC makes you realise your own self worth, no one is worth hanging around for, and there is always someone better out there for you, no exception. 4
dyna85 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I can relate to this so much. Even after 8 months nc, I hope. It sucks and I get really annoyed with myself for feeling this way.
finalendeavor Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I can also relate with this. For me, it's sort of hope fueled by arrogance. I can't believe he wouldn't regret it. But then, I remind myself that, even if he does regret it, there's no guarantee that he would contact me. Sometimes I contemplate breaking NC so I can smash that hope. As soon as I get ignored/ get a less-than-desirable response, I'll feel rejected and embarrassed, and it'll be even clearer to me that he wants nothing to do with me. 2
aloneinaz Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 OP- Add this thought to your "hope I hear from him". Even if you did hear from him, he confessed he made a terrible mistake and wants you back. The reality is reconciliations DON'T work nor last. My decades of experiences, my friends and families experiences and the posters here all agree. The only time a dumper returns is when the dumpee has vanished from their lives. The dumper maybe has some bad dating or a short rebound or two. He/she are now single and burned out on dating/being single. They become lonely and miss being in a R/S and all it brings. They then contact the person they dumped because it's better than being alone and the dumpee runs back into their arms. This is all great and dandy until the 'excitement' of the reconciliation wears back off and it does quickly. The dumper remembers why they ended it the first time and sadly, they dump them again. Everyone is much better off riding threw the break up pain, the loneliness and heal. You're odds are much better in meeting someone new that you're more compatible with than to recycle a failed R/S and go threw it all over again. 3
JewelD Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I had this problem too. I felt I was only doing NC in order for him to miss me. I wanted him to regret what he did so badly. Eventually we talked and he trying to apologize and get back with me, and it was great to have the upperhand again, however, the real thing is never as good as the fantasy. It felt good to know that he wanted me back, but he was still the same person who was cool with not talking to me for a month. We didn't reconcile bc there was nothing there I wanted anymore. And your ex may come back too, but probably once you're completely over him ad don't care anymore. 1
Cupid's Puppet Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) No contact is always the answer. And you shouldn't base your self worth on one person. You are an impressive person and people are taking note. I forgot I had a sense of humor till after my breakup. I rediscovered my personality. Let me tell you, your mind isn't going to think any differently if your ex says something mean or totally ignore you when you try to contact him. Your mind will tell you anything to keep you hopeful. That's called living in denial. Contacting him won't get rid of the denial. Over time when he never contacts you then you would realize finally he doesn't give a doodoo. That is what will rid you of hope. ETA: And piggybacking off of what JewelD said, when my ex finally contacted me, I realized too it is never as good as the fantasy. The damage on both ends was done. And I began to realize all the reasons we were incompatible. There was a point in our last conversation where I was bored and wanted to hang up. I seriously was bored talking to him, which is crazy because for months after he dumped me I wanted nothing more in the world than to hear his voice again. Edited August 20, 2015 by Cupid's Puppet 3
Author Chronograph Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I can also relate with this. For me, it's sort of hope fueled by arrogance. I can't believe he wouldn't regret it. But then, I remind myself that, even if he does regret it, there's no guarantee that he would contact me. Sometimes I contemplate breaking NC so I can smash that hope. As soon as I get ignored/ get a less-than-desirable response, I'll feel rejected and embarrassed, and it'll be even clearer to me that he wants nothing to do with me. Yeah, it's definitely to do with arrogance in my case as well. Funny in a way. I seem to have an incredibly black and white view, or shall I say I swing between the extremes: On the one hand I seem to be so arrogant that I just cannot believe or accept that somebody could ever be happy after leaving me. On the other hand I feel like I'm a worthless worm, nothing without his approval. It's really weird.
Author Chronograph Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 And it's true ... everyday he doesn't get in touch should be proof that he doesn't give a ****. BUT: what if he thinks, I want my space? What if he does not dare cause he's afraid I reject him? What if he fears it's pointless but deep down inside he would want it? Also I keep thinking that it's still early days. Let's see what happens in a month or two, or in half a year. It's as if I desperately need to cling on to this thought, that there is still a possibility that he will realize what we had. This kind of stuff comes up in my mind every time I'm NC for a while. When will this obsession with what he might think or feel end? 1
dyna85 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) I think for me the hope has persisted much longer than if he would have say... given me closure... but yesterday I did have the epiphany that if someone can go 8 months without giving a rat's behind if I'm dead or alive, that definitely speaks volumes of his care for me. It sucks but it is what it is. I guess our bodies just adapt to this harsh reality. Cupid's Puppet, you are so right about the denial. So freaking true. I think my denial date is way past its expiration. I will say I guess it's just extended time that makes you slowly wake up and recognize the fantasy element. It's all fantasy. The reality is they're not with us. They chose to leave. Reality is a b, but it's an element needed to grow and learn. We will get there. Time is important here, I think. I've noticed gradual awakenings with the passage of time. That's not to say that love songs on the radio still don't sting like hell, but hey, reality is reality. May we all get there in due time. Godspeed. Edited August 20, 2015 by dyna85 4
15Love Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Yeah, it's definitely to do with arrogance in my case as well. Funny in a way. I seem to have an incredibly black and white view, or shall I say I swing between the extremes: On the one hand I seem to be so arrogant that I just cannot believe or accept that somebody could ever be happy after leaving me. On the other hand I feel like I'm a worthless worm, nothing without his approval. It's really weird. This exactly. I've wondered for so long what's with the thinking I'm too good for someone to not want and at the same exact time be willing to put up with the *****ist of breadcrumbs because clearly I don't deserve better. So glad to hear I'm not alone feeling this! 1
icyfeline Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I can also relate with this. For me, it's sort of hope fueled by arrogance. I can't believe he wouldn't regret it. But then, I remind myself that, even if he does regret it, there's no guarantee that he would contact me. Sometimes I contemplate breaking NC so I can smash that hope. As soon as I get ignored/ get a less-than-desirable response, I'll feel rejected and embarrassed, and it'll be even clearer to me that he wants nothing to do with me. I feel this way & I've been NC for almost 6 years now with a particular ex I can't seem to get over. I wonder all the time if he'd want to talk to me, be happy to hear from me, etc. My fear of rejection however outweighs my curiosity at the end of the day & I realize I have to just maintain NC.
finalendeavor Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I feel this way & I've been NC for almost 6 years now with a particular ex I can't seem to get over. I wonder all the time if he'd want to talk to me, be happy to hear from me, etc. My fear of rejection however outweighs my curiosity at the end of the day & I realize I have to just maintain NC. Its been six years, I'd break contact. You might be surprised what reaction you get. And honestly, if it is negative, it'll hurt at first, but it'll help you move on. You have to ask yourself why you're afraid of rejection. At the end of the day, he's already not in your life, what's the worst that could happen? I say go for it
icyfeline Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Its been six years, I'd break contact. You might be surprised what reaction you get. And honestly, if it is negative, it'll hurt at first, but it'll help you move on. You have to ask yourself why you're afraid of rejection. At the end of the day, he's already not in your life, what's the worst that could happen? I say go for it I've definitely thought about it. I actually first came to the LS forums when it happened - my history regarding that BU is under a different name, but in a nutshell he cheated on me & married the girl he left me for. Had it not ended as badly as it did I probably would, but I don't know.
15Love Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I've definitely thought about it. I actually first came to the LS forums when it happened - my history regarding that BU is under a different name, but in a nutshell he cheated on me & married the girl he left me for. Had it not ended as badly as it did I probably would, but I don't know. No in that case def don't! You'll just end up looking like the scorned ex who can't move on. never let him know you ever thought of him again. 1
icyfeline Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 No in that case def don't! You'll just end up looking like the scorned ex who can't move on. never let him know you ever thought of him again. Indeed you're right about that. Gotta just keep pressing on I suppose. 1
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