OldRover Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I don't "believe" in counselling, huge waste of money. I've had several sessions with them in the past...pointless exercise, total waste of time and effort... "Tell me what YOU think...?" Agreed, counseling is not good... BUT there are a few jewels of counselors out there and I did find one that has helped me a lot, and I'll stay with him. However, I've probably been through 20 or so that weren't worth anything, and some were negative.
sunshine2 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 This is a great thread. I believe that past relationships, divorce etc has a big effect on how we move on with another relationship. But I have been divorced for 5 years now and don't feel much of anything for my X except he is the father of my kids. I do wonder if divorce is harder on men though. I have found that even if their X-wifes were horrible to them, abuse etc, they still don't totally let go. Maybe Im wrong, but this has been my experience while out there dating men my age who are divorced. And because they don't totally let go, they don't allow any one else in, so therefore love is hard. I posted about men with walls up here and got a lot of great feedback from men who knew exactly what I was talking about. Now I understand why my BF has walls up. My X has not even dated, and that is sort of shocking to me, but he hasn't let go. I know this because he has asked me to reconcile a couple of times. It is disheartening to hear that sex is so easy for men to get from women.
Author yxalitis Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 This is a great thread. I believe that past relationships, divorce etc has a big effect on how we move on with another relationship. But I have been divorced for 5 years now and don't feel much of anything for my X except he is the father of my kids. I do wonder if divorce is harder on men though. I have found that even if their X-wifes were horrible to them, abuse etc, they still don't totally let go. Maybe Im wrong, but this has been my experience while out there dating men my age who are divorced. And because they don't totally let go, they don't allow any one else in, so therefore love is hard. Just to be clear here, the relationship break up that effected me most was the 9 months with Kay, not the 19 years with me ex wife. I think divorces from the previous generation may have effected the man more, as in those days he just worked hos 9-5 job, and the wife ran the household. So with the loss of the wife, he also lost all the home organisation, and could really struggle to handle all those aspects he hasn't had to do before...but that is like something from the '50's, these days that distinct separation of duties is almost totally gone. It is disheartening to hear that sex is so easy for men to get from women. Why? Is it OK for sex to be easy for woman, and not men? Why do so many people insist that for men sex is soooo important, but for woman it's a "meh" thing...take it or leave it... This is social conditioning, predominant in Western cultures that shames woman into thinking sex is bad, naughty, evil. Woman enjoy sex as much if not more than men, yet we still get this holier than though attitude.
OldRover Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Just to be clear here, the relationship break up that effected me most was the 9 months with Kay, not the 19 years with me ex wife. I think divorces from the previous generation may have effected the man more, as in those days he just worked hos 9-5 job, and the wife ran the household. So with the loss of the wife, he also lost all the home organisation, and could really struggle to handle all those aspects he hasn't had to do before...but that is like something from the '50's, these days that distinct separation of duties is almost totally gone. Why? Is it OK for sex to be easy for woman, and not men? Why do so many people insist that for men sex is soooo important, but for woman it's a "meh" thing...take it or leave it... This is social conditioning, predominant in Western cultures that shames woman into thinking sex is bad, naughty, evil. Woman enjoy sex as much if not more than men, yet we still get this holier than though attitude. Good points.... Funny, but my divorce of over 40 years with my lady affected me less that separating with my GF of two years! But, I had many years when the marriage wasn't going anywhere with an unsolvable problem and the last 3 years we were totally disconnect, so there was no "in love" left, however, I never stopped loving her deep down. The GF was different... a totally new experience for this older guy. She was absolutely a 10 on 10 with most things, excepting one major issue that I just couldn't solve which destroyed us. I'm pretty much over her, but do think of her occasionally. Fortunately, I reconciled with my ex, and we are happily back together, but wasn't easy... but MUCH better.
Dolfin80 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 It is disheartening to hear that sex is so easy for men to get from women. Looks like the 6 month rule has gone out the window. It used to be you get to know them over 6 months, then sleep with them if you feel comfortable.
Woggle Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Getting laid is easy as hell but finding somebody who is truly in your corner that you can trust and can also have a good sex life with is like winning the lottery. For those of us who found out we are very lucky but people you can have that with are rare gems.
Dolfin80 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Woman enjoy sex as much if not more than men, yet we still get this holier than though attitude. Sex without love is horrible. I don't know how people do it.
Woggle Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Sex and love are a great combination like peanut butter and jelly and I prefer them together but by themselves they certainly taste good as well.
Timshel Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 That story would require it's own post. Summary...she had a mental breakdown and went from high-functioning stressball to couch potato in a week. She attempted suicide twice, spoke in front of the kids how she "didn't want to be herre" etc etc After two years, and seeing the effects on my eldest who descended into depression (that she is only now getting over), I pulled the pin and took everyone out of the house. She "got better" that night, and rebuilt herself back up. By that time, however, the damage was done, we will never get back together, I had stopped loving her by then. It was harder and effected me more profoundly to end the 9 month relationship with Kay, because I still love her. Breaking up is 1,000 times easier of you've already lost your love for them Yes, true. I am sorry for your wife, children and you X that a circumstance you could not control/repair tore all of your world apart. No easy path for any of those courses. I hope your kids are so much better now. You have moved on. Love is not hard but it is rare. In my opinion, it is not something to chase or look for. It happens. Real love happens when you are looking the other way.....most importantly, when you are giving the best of yourself for what you believe in.
Author yxalitis Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Looks like the 6 month rule has gone out the window. It used to be you get to know them over 6 months, then sleep with them if you feel comfortable. Yeah, about 50 years ago...! Seriously, I don't think that EVER happened routinely...no matter how far back in history you go.
neowulf Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I don't "believe" in counselling, huge waste of money. I've had several sessions with them in the past...pointless exercise, total waste of time and effort... "Tell me what YOU think...?" The benefit of counselling varies greatly from counsellor to counsellor and the individual involved. I've had mixed results myself. Then again, I've also had some give me some great techniques and profound advice, so I guess results may vary.
Dolfin80 Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Yeah, about 50 years ago...! Seriously, I don't think that EVER happened routinely...no matter how far back in history you go. Well that's not true. I waited 6 months before having sex with my last long term parter and the partner before that. I have other friends that definitely do this. Relationships grow over time. It takes time to get to know each other. It takes time to see if the guy is decent and respectful. I have a girlfriend who waited till marriage.
Author yxalitis Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Well that's not true. I waited 6 months before having sex with my last long term parter and the partner before that. I have other friends that definitely do this. Relationships grow over time. It takes time to get to know each other. It takes time to see if the guy is decent and respectful. I have a girlfriend who waited till marriage. Highlight the word "Routinely" I didn't say it NEVER happens, just that it is unusual.
OldRover Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Highlight the word "Routinely" I didn't say it NEVER happens, just that it is unusual. I don't know that is so unusual.... I did it more that once... several months before sex and love... one was a year, and I could have spend the rest of my life with her..... I just wasn't into the one, two or three dates and hit the sack... just didn't work well for me and none of those relationships lasted worth a damn.
Author yxalitis Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 I don't know that is so unusual.... I did it more that once... several months before sex and love... one was a year, and I could have spend the rest of my life with her..... I just wasn't into the one, two or three dates and hit the sack... just didn't work well for me and none of those relationships lasted worth a damn. Anecdotal evidence isn't evidence at all. My 19 marriage started with 2nd date sex. My 1 year relationship, yep, 2nd date sex MY 9 month relationship...well, she seduced me on the 2nd night after I moved in as a flatmate, we technically NEVER dated before sex. I would hate to date for 6 months, only to finally have sex...and it's crap.. And frankly, if the girl is the "type" who wants to wait that long before even having sex...she's not likely to be MY "type" Each to their own. As to your other point, relationships break down for many reasons, but whether you had sex on the 1st date, or after 12 months is hardly likely to be a factor on that breakup... I mean, how could it..."I'm breaking up with you because we had sex on the 2nd date...? is not a conversation I'd ever expect to hear. You may argue: "But, you don't really KNOW someone without spending many months dating" Getting to know someone INCLUDES having sex with them! A good, healthy sex life is considered one of THE most important aspects of a long lasting relationship, leaving it out for THAT long seems ridiculous!
OldRover Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 Anecdotal evidence isn't evidence at all. My 19 marriage started with 2nd date sex. My 1 year relationship, yep, 2nd date sex MY 9 month relationship...well, she seduced me on the 2nd night after I moved in as a flatmate, we technically NEVER dated before sex. I would hate to date for 6 months, only to finally have sex...and it's crap.. And frankly, if the girl is the "type" who wants to wait that long before even having sex...she's not likely to be MY "type" Each to their own. As to your other point, relationships break down for many reasons, but whether you had sex on the 1st date, or after 12 months is hardly likely to be a factor on that breakup... I mean, how could it..."I'm breaking up with you because we had sex on the 2nd date...? is not a conversation I'd ever expect to hear. You may argue: "But, you don't really KNOW someone without spending many months dating" Getting to know someone INCLUDES having sex with them! A good, healthy sex life is considered one of THE most important aspects of a long lasting relationship, leaving it out for THAT long seems ridiculous! Oh, I agree, sex is a absolute part of a good relationship... I just know need it that quick. The lady I saw for a year before sex just went slowly, and almost a slow developing relationship. We were not committed early on. As for having sex 6 months down the road, and finding it awful... I don't think that would be an issue that couldn't improve, each can teach the other what they want sexually... now, occasionally there's a few that just don't click, and that happens.
edgygirl Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I agree with all you're saying but you're forgetting one point. Male psychology. Men generally get uninterested in anything that comes too easily or they didn't have to fight for. Specially nowadays with all the easy sex. When our parents and grandparents dated, they chose someone and stuck to them and got to know them slowly. As far as I know up to the 40s and 50s people waited until marriage. While I think exactly like you / the things you said below, there's something to say about how this current dating style leaves us with an eternal taste of disappointment and even a little meh about sex and too much variety. Just something to think about. Anecdotal evidence isn't evidence at all. My 19 marriage started with 2nd date sex. My 1 year relationship, yep, 2nd date sex MY 9 month relationship...well, she seduced me on the 2nd night after I moved in as a flatmate, we technically NEVER dated before sex. I would hate to date for 6 months, only to finally have sex...and it's crap.. And frankly, if the girl is the "type" who wants to wait that long before even having sex...she's not likely to be MY "type" Each to their own. As to your other point, relationships break down for many reasons, but whether you had sex on the 1st date, or after 12 months is hardly likely to be a factor on that breakup... I mean, how could it..."I'm breaking up with you because we had sex on the 2nd date...? is not a conversation I'd ever expect to hear. You may argue: "But, you don't really KNOW someone without spending many months dating" Getting to know someone INCLUDES having sex with them! A good, healthy sex life is considered one of THE most important aspects of a long lasting relationship, leaving it out for THAT long seems ridiculous!
Author yxalitis Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 I agree with all you're saying but you're forgetting one point. Male psychology. Men generally get uninterested in anything that comes too easily or they didn't have to fight for. Specially nowadays with all the easy sex. When our parents and grandparents dated, they chose someone and stuck to them and got to know them slowly. As far as I know up to the 40s and 50s people waited until marriage. While I think exactly like you / the things you said below, there's something to say about how this current dating style leaves us with an eternal taste of disappointment and even a little meh about sex and too much variety. Just something to think about. Yes,but where they happy...or did they just settle...?
Dolfin80 Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 (edited) I don't know that is so unusual.... I did it more that once... several months before sex and love... one was a year, and I could have spend the rest of my life with her..... I just wasn't into the one, two or three dates and hit the sack... just didn't work well for me and none of those relationships lasted worth a damn. It's not unusual at all. A lot of people like to get to know the person 1st before being intimate. After all it takes time to get comfortable around another person, takes time to build trust. Most people wait till they have this before being intimate. Make sure the person is going to treat you respectfully before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Not all people out there are respectful, best to be cautious for your own safety. Edited August 22, 2015 by Dolfin80
Recommended Posts