Sex is Easy...Love is hard

[yxalitis]

I'm sick of the casual sex game, I want to wake up to the same person everyday, because I love them, and they love me.

But BECAUSE love is hard, I will date and sleep with woman, and then find I don't think we are really suitable as partners.

 

This isn't a deliberate process to rack up notches on my bed post...

 

When I left my marriage over 2 years ago, I was a broken shell of a man, overweight, low self-esteem, zero self-confidence. I was utterly convinced I would take a year to find a partner again. I also thought I’d be sexless for months, I mean, who’d want to sleep with a middle aged, unattractive, overweight guy?

Fast forward to today, and I sit looking back at how utterly wrong I was.

 

I’m not unattractive, weight is easy to lose (I was only about 10kg overweight, I wasn’t obese), I have a lot to offer a partner.

And most surprising for me:

Sex is easy to find!

I’ve had more woman post marriage than in the decade before I met my wife.

I’ve had too many girls fall for me that I wasn’t interested in, and ended up hurting.

I’ve had two LTR’s where I wasn’t happy, for differing reasons, and I have learnt from every single interaction what I am, what I want, and want I need in a partner.

 

For men, this is often a way to fill the gaps in our lives until we find that one true love, as Enigma wrote:

 

Principles of lust are easy to understand

Do what you feel, feel until the end

Principles of lust are burned in your mind

Do what you want, do it until you find love

 

For woman this can be frustrating, as they feel that this is all men want, maybe true for some, but personally I think that more often the man simply doesn’t feel that THIS woman is THE woman, OK for now, but not what he wants to settle down with.

This is what I feel, I’ve met so many woman that I simply didn’t think were compatible on enough levels to have a successful LTR with.

I have chased someone who initially rejected me, convinced them to keep going out with me, and in the end, I broke her heart!

Love is HARD to find.

So many people are SO superficial, they will reject someone INSTANTLY based on that 5 second first look.

Let me tell you, after 5, 10 years, that beautiful face you fell in love with…is just another face, your partner’s appearance ceases to amaze you, they are…just your partner, you love them regardless of their appearance (Which, let’s face it, changes like the wind)

Yet we have so many people tell you “You know in that first meeting if they are right for you”

Bullcrap, ten metric tonnes of bullcrap!

I give every one 3 dates, if they are willing, to see if we can connect. Often, this leads to sex, I’m amazed home many woman who tell me they really want to go slow, take their time to find the right person before going to the “next level,” only to sleep with me on the 2nd or 3rd date. And, NO, I’m not some super good looking guy who woman find irresistible, nor do I use seduction tricks, it simply happens.

 

All I’m saying, I guess, is if you are after love, give people a chance to show you their soul before you decide they aren’t right.

[fitnessfan365]

I used to have a ton of casual flings, FWB's, etc.. Then I got sick of it like you. So I changed the way that I date.

 

For the first month, it's usually one date a week. So I'll keep those first four dates in public. I still kiss on the first date, and act assertive/confident. But I'm not being distracted by sex and it's easier to focus on who she is as a person. Then for the next few weeks, I'll start planning two dates a week. One is private that never gets past foreplay, and the other is still public. By week six if I still really like her, then we'll start having sex. While it does lead to temporary blue balls, the anticipation of sex and getting to know her body makes sex really great when it happens. Plus, it's with a woman I genuinely like so it's a win-win.

[neowulf]

Easily the hardest part of the dating process.

 

You can't love, without taking the time to get to know someone deeply.

Yet, even as you move through that process, there's a chance you'll discover that you just don't feel enough.

 

So then, kindly as you can, you let them go. At 36, with more than a few relationships under my belt, I thought it'd become easier. Hurt less. It doesn't.

 

Every breakup is sad. Every person hurt is just one more face you'll never see again. You lose entire lives, people's stories. Their family, friends. All washed away like it never was.

 

I'd like to think that meeting these people has helped me grow, but every time, I feel I lost a little of myself in the end. To love is to risk, the search for it is no different.

[cessna]

But is it really all worth it to fall in love?

 

I've thought about it and come to the conclusion that it just isn't anymore. I deleted every girl I was chatting to from my phone the other day. It felt good, liberating almost. A life without finding love seems to suit me a while lot better if I'm being totally honest with myself.

[Yyes]

This is such a deep topic. I am 26 and most of my relationships have only lasted for like three months so in a way you really can't call them relationships. They were potential relationships. The two relationships that I was in, I ended up not marrying the girls because I just didn't feel it and the girls that I truly liked and wanted to pursue, they didn't feel the same for me. It is extremely and incredibly hard because sometimes I get pressure from friends and family asking me when I'm Goin to get married.

 

Having said this, the same people that ask me when I'm getting married, are younger than me and they married early. They are now having marital problems on the verge of divorce. Life really can he hard sometimes whether you have someone or not. You say that love sucks but not having love sucks even more. I see people that are in their forties and fifties that have never dated and when I see that I feel so blessed that some women have given me their time of day. It could be much worse. At least I have experienced love you know?

[Jj66]

It's the same story for me after my split from my wife. I thought I might never find another partner but it's so easy to find sex. Really, really easy. It's almost like women are throwing p*ssy at me. I turn a lot of it down now that I know it isn't scarce but I still end up breaking hearts. And I hate that.

 

What I really want to know is where were all these women when I was in my 20s?

[yxalitis]

But is it really all worth it to fall in love?

 

I've thought about it and come to the conclusion that it just isn't anymore. I deleted every girl I was chatting to from my phone the other day. It felt good, liberating almost. A life without finding love seems to suit me a while lot better if I'm being totally honest with myself.

You'll probably meet her now you've stopped looking!

[yxalitis]

What I really want to know is where were all these women when I was in my 20s?

 

Hallelujah brother! I hear that!!

[losangelena]

OP, does this post dovetail at all with your recent Hong Kong experience? I'm just curious, because they seem to come in such quick succession, I wondered if they were linked in some way.

[yxalitis]

OP, does this post dovetail at all with your recent Hong Kong experience? I'm just curious, because they seem to come in such quick succession, I wondered if they were linked in some way.

 

Yeah...I guess I subconsciously chose to go OS for my adventure, so I wouldn't/couldn't just add them as casual FB's

 

Funny enough, I actually really like Voilet, and it pi$$es me off no end that I met someone I really like while 2,000 km away from home...

 

WTF aren't they in the same city??

[losangelena]

Yeah...I guess I subconsciously chose to go OS for my adventure, so I wouldn't/couldn't just add them as casual FB's

 

Funny enough, I actually really like Voilet, and it pi$$es me off no end that I met someone I really like while 2,000 km away from home...

 

WTF aren't they in the same city??

 

I mean, that's a great question, right?

 

I wonder if you'd have been as attracted to her if you DID meet her in the same city. Like maybe part of her appeal was precisely because your relationship really couldn't go anywhere. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you, by the way, it's just a thought.

 

You sounded so proud of your conquests in your last post, so I find it interesting (I'm amazed, really) that you speak with such disgust about casual sex. Yes, you say NSA fills the gaps between relationships, but do you think that continuing to do it, to do it even if you're tired of it, is keeping you from finding a relationship? I don't know you, so I can't speak for you, but I do know that for some people (men and women), casual sex is a way to keep true intimacy at bay.

 

What if you were to intentionally keep it in your pants for a bit, and if you don't feel the spark with someone after three dates, then walk away.

[OldRover]

Some good points here....

 

It's really hard to find potential love in three dates (sex or not) and believe it's going to work... just a crap shoot. It takes MUCH longer and you have to spend time getting to know them.

 

I've never had much luck with short term and hop in the sack.... much better with date for awhile and do a variety of things... spend a LOT of time talking and do enough odd ball different things to see if you're fitting in with them.

 

One of my first loves (that worked quite well), we met in the gym where I was working and training women.... and did a lot of crazy things.

 

It just takes time.... a lot of talk.... and enough variety of activities to see compatibility.

 

And, as one gets older, it really does get hard to find a real love. And, yes, sex is on every corner, if you want... most of it is just not a turn on. Heck, I went to a place today (with a buddy) with NO intention of even looking at women and had at least three that showed interest. And a while back, when single and unattached, a lady boldly offer me sex on the spot..... no thanks!

[yxalitis]

You sounded so proud of your conquests in your last post, so I find it interesting (I'm amazed, really) that you speak with such disgust about casual sex.

 

I came off proud and cocky because SOO many people were telling me I was going to get scammed, or kidnapped, or my kidneys removed!

When in fact I had exactly the encounters I expected, I wanted to have the "I was right, you were wrong" gloat...it's actually more about that then my "Conquests" (which is not a term I like, btw, when what I did in HK was mutually consensual and planned).

 

I mean, that's a great question, right?

 

I wonder if you'd have been as attracted to her if you DID meet her in the same city. Like maybe part of her appeal was precisely because your relationship really couldn't go anywhere. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you, by the way, it's just a thought.

No, I don't think so...we both commented how we felt like old friends...it really was quite amazing...even the sex was like sex with a long time partner...

Yes, you say NSA fills the gaps between relationships, but do you think that continuing to do it, to do it even if you're tired of it, is keeping you from finding a relationship? I don't know you, so I can't speak for you, but I do know that for some people (men and women), casual sex is a way to keep true intimacy at bay.

 

What if you were to intentionally keep it in your pants for a bit, and if you don't feel the spark with someone after three dates, then walk away.

I wonder if I'm still actually in love with my ex...who I know I can't go back to..but whom I still get a bit teary over...

[ZA Dater]

I'm sick of the casual sex game, I want to wake up to the same person everyday, because I love them, and they love me.

But BECAUSE love is hard, I will date and sleep with woman, and then find I don't think we are really suitable as partners.

 

This isn't a deliberate process to rack up notches on my bed post...

 

When I left my marriage over 2 years ago, I was a broken shell of a man, overweight, low self-esteem, zero self-confidence. I was utterly convinced I would take a year to find a partner again. I also thought I’d be sexless for months, I mean, who’d want to sleep with a middle aged, unattractive, overweight guy?

Fast forward to today, and I sit looking back at how utterly wrong I was.

 

I’m not unattractive, weight is easy to lose (I was only about 10kg overweight, I wasn’t obese), I have a lot to offer a partner.

And most surprising for me:

Sex is easy to find!

I’ve had more woman post marriage than in the decade before I met my wife.

I’ve had too many girls fall for me that I wasn’t interested in, and ended up hurting.

I’ve had two LTR’s where I wasn’t happy, for differing reasons, and I have learnt from every single interaction what I am, what I want, and want I need in a partner.

 

For men, this is often a way to fill the gaps in our lives until we find that one true love, as Enigma wrote:

 

Principles of lust are easy to understand

Do what you feel, feel until the end

Principles of lust are burned in your mind

Do what you want, do it until you find love

 

For woman this can be frustrating, as they feel that this is all men want, maybe true for some, but personally I think that more often the man simply doesn’t feel that THIS woman is THE woman, OK for now, but not what he wants to settle down with.

This is what I feel, I’ve met so many woman that I simply didn’t think were compatible on enough levels to have a successful LTR with.

I have chased someone who initially rejected me, convinced them to keep going out with me, and in the end, I broke her heart!

Love is HARD to find.

So many people are SO superficial, they will reject someone INSTANTLY based on that 5 second first look.

Let me tell you, after 5, 10 years, that beautiful face you fell in love with…is just another face, your partner’s appearance ceases to amaze you, they are…just your partner, you love them regardless of their appearance (Which, let’s face it, changes like the wind)

Yet we have so many people tell you “You know in that first meeting if they are right for you”

Bullcrap, ten metric tonnes of bullcrap!

I give every one 3 dates, if they are willing, to see if we can connect. Often, this leads to sex, I’m amazed home many woman who tell me they really want to go slow, take their time to find the right person before going to the “next level,” only to sleep with me on the 2nd or 3rd date. And, NO, I’m not some super good looking guy who woman find irresistible, nor do I use seduction tricks, it simply happens.

 

All I’m saying, I guess, is if you are after love, give people a chance to show you their soul before you decide they aren’t right.

 

Agree 100% with all the bold, profound and true in my opinion. Sadly one doesn't get chances ever, ladies either like of they don't, you cant make someone like you as I keep getting told, hell I suppose if I bought her a $5k gift she may like me enough to see me but what is the sense in that.

[joseb]

I wonder if I'm still actually in love with my ex...who I know I can't go back to..but whom I still get a bit teary over...

 

Did you ever talked to a professional after the breakup?

 

It does sound like there are some unresolved issues there.

[neowulf]

Did you ever talked to a professional after the breakup?

 

It does sound like there are some unresolved issues there.

 

One assumption I believe people falsely make is that everyone "gets over" their ex.

 

I think there are some wounds you just learn to live with. Some people are just never able to "move on" like they should. The pain of the loss just kind of lingers in the back of the mind and in the heart.

[losangelena]

One assumption I believe people falsely make is that everyone "gets over" their ex.

 

I think there are some wounds you just learn to live with. Some people are just never able to "move on" like they should. The pain of the loss just kind of lingers in the back of the mind and in the heart.

 

 

I agree. I feel like it's one thing to say you're no longer in love with an ex, or you don't want to get back with them, but the loss of a spouse, through death or divorce, is still one of the most stressful live events you can go through. That's got to leave some permanent scars, for sure.

 

I dated a guy last year who'd moved to LA solely because he and his ex had gotten divorced—a "fresh start," if you will. We happened to be seeing each other around the one-year anniversary of him being out here, so even though he was "over her," the effects of that relationship were still making it hard for him to authentically connect with new partners, e.g., me. Maybe it was bad timing on his part, but he initiated the exclusivity BF/GF talk right around that time, the same weekend as Oscar weekend, which he and his ex used to celebrate by throwing a major party every year.

 

Two days after asking me to be his GF, he called and backed out.

 

So yes, clearly, someone like him was "over" his ex, as in "not in love with," but their relationship was still causing ripples in his life.

[HansonGirl]

I'm sick of the casual sex game, I want to wake up to the same person everyday, because I love them, and they love me.

But BECAUSE love is hard, I will date and sleep with woman, and then find I don't think we are really suitable as partners.

 

This isn't a deliberate process to rack up notches on my bed post...

 

When I left my marriage over 2 years ago, I was a broken shell of a man, overweight, low self-esteem, zero self-confidence. I was utterly convinced I would take a year to find a partner again. I also thought I’d be sexless for months, I mean, who’d want to sleep with a middle aged, unattractive, overweight guy?

Fast forward to today, and I sit looking back at how utterly wrong I was.

 

I’m not unattractive, weight is easy to lose (I was only about 10kg overweight, I wasn’t obese), I have a lot to offer a partner.

And most surprising for me:

Sex is easy to find!

I’ve had more woman post marriage than in the decade before I met my wife.

I’ve had too many girls fall for me that I wasn’t interested in, and ended up hurting.

I’ve had two LTR’s where I wasn’t happy, for differing reasons, and I have learnt from every single interaction what I am, what I want, and want I need in a partner.

 

For men, this is often a way to fill the gaps in our lives until we find that one true love, as Enigma wrote:

 

Principles of lust are easy to understand

Do what you feel, feel until the end

Principles of lust are burned in your mind

Do what you want, do it until you find love

 

For woman this can be frustrating, as they feel that this is all men want, maybe true for some, but personally I think that more often the man simply doesn’t feel that THIS woman is THE woman, OK for now, but not what he wants to settle down with.

This is what I feel, I’ve met so many woman that I simply didn’t think were compatible on enough levels to have a successful LTR with.

I have chased someone who initially rejected me, convinced them to keep going out with me, and in the end, I broke her heart!

Love is HARD to find.

So many people are SO superficial, they will reject someone INSTANTLY based on that 5 second first look.

Let me tell you, after 5, 10 years, that beautiful face you fell in love with…is just another face, your partner’s appearance ceases to amaze you, they are…just your partner, you love them regardless of their appearance (Which, let’s face it, changes like the wind)

Yet we have so many people tell you “You know in that first meeting if they are right for you”

Bullcrap, ten metric tonnes of bullcrap!

I give every one 3 dates, if they are willing, to see if we can connect. Often, this leads to sex, I’m amazed home many woman who tell me they really want to go slow, take their time to find the right person before going to the “next level,” only to sleep with me on the 2nd or 3rd date. And, NO, I’m not some super good looking guy who woman find irresistible, nor do I use seduction tricks, it simply happens.

 

All I’m saying, I guess, is if you are after love, give people a chance to show you their soul before you decide they aren’t right.

 

what happened with your marriage if you don't mind my asking?

and i agree that sex is easy but love is hard?

[joseb]

One assumption I believe people falsely make is that everyone "gets over" their ex.

 

I think there are some wounds you just learn to live with. Some people are just never able to "move on" like they should. The pain of the loss just kind of lingers in the back of the mind and in the heart.

 

I half agree. But I think there are things you can do to re-frame the relationship better, some people do this naturally and some need some help pointing out potential faulty thinking.

 

But yeah, I myself have some wounds that will always affect me to a certain extent.

[dandyrandy]

Sex is cheap and easy but no where as fulfilling as love

[yxalitis]

what happened with your marriage if you don't mind my asking?

and i agree that sex is easy but love is hard?

That story would require it's own post.

Summary...she had a mental breakdown and went from high-functioning stressball to couch potato in a week.

She attempted suicide twice, spoke in front of the kids how she "didn't want to be herre" etc etc

After two years, and seeing the effects on my eldest who descended into depression (that she is only now getting over), I pulled the pin and took everyone out of the house.

She "got better" that night, and rebuilt herself back up.

By that time, however, the damage was done, we will never get back together, I had stopped loving her by then.

It was harder and effected me more profoundly to end the 9 month relationship with Kay, because I still love her. Breaking up is 1,000 times easier of you've already lost your love for them

[neowulf]

I half agree. But I think there are things you can do to re-frame the relationship better, some people do this naturally and some need some help pointing out potential faulty thinking.

 

But yeah, I myself have some wounds that will always affect me to a certain extent.

 

Agreed. My purpose wasn't to dissuade the previous poster from seeking some professional support or counselling. It can and does absolutely help some people better recover or function after a break.

 

I suppose it's just been my personal experience that even after counselling and time, some woulds just don't seem to heal. People merely learn to live with them.

[yxalitis]

Agreed. My purpose wasn't to dissuade the previous poster from seeking some professional support or counselling. It can and does absolutely help some people better recover or function after a break.

 

I suppose it's just been my personal experience that even after counselling and time, some woulds just don't seem to heal. People merely learn to live with them.

I don't "believe" in counselling, huge waste of money.

I've had several sessions with them in the past...pointless exercise, total waste of time and effort...

 

"Tell me what YOU think...?"

[casey.lives]

It is also possible that you might not have anything to offer someone other than problems so love is a luxury it seems only other people can enjoy. This is my problem. Dating is for lucky people

[casey.lives]

Love or loving is not my problem but it's the high price im paying for having my problems.