Lipz Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I will try to make this as short as possible. I suffer from a chronic lung condition, which this year dropped me twice in the hospital. Normally, every 4 years or so, I have an infection, and I may end up there, but this year, I ended up there twice. My relationship was very intense although it only lasted a year and a half. We had our ups and downs, but mostly because he "accepts me, but can't deal with what I have in the long run". He has been there for me every time I get sick, but he has seen that this condition has made me become very dependent and rely on a lot of help from others. He works a lot, and in his mind, he won't be able to deal with this in the futre "when there are kids involved, etc". At the same time, he has told me repeatedly that he never loved someone the way he has loved me". I have mentioned to him many times that I have my ups and downs, and that although this was not a great year, I will have better ones. I am scheduled to have surgery to remove half of my lung to improve my quality of life, and he knows it, but he is just distanced, and off course now we broke up like a week ago. I kind of forced him to decide if he wanted to stay with me and accept me because he would be the most amazing boyfriend on the daily basis, but he would remember about this, and completely freak out. Now, he has texted me telling me that he is completely broken because he loves me, and that he feels empty. If you loved someone so dearly, and so much, would you let them go? What should I do? I haven't found any story here that is remotely like mine in the sense of sickness being involved in the equation. Thanks for taking the time to read and to help me.
stevedes Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Look if he really loves you he will stick by you regardless of whatever condition you have. I know i would for someone I truly love, it isn't even a question.
HandsomeBoh Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Well I guess it depends on the condition. I have depression, and she hightailed it. But for your condition, if he's not willing to stay, that signifies some deeper commitment issue. I know even if my ex girlfriend became permanently comatose I would still stand by her.
RoseVille Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Does your condition hamper or prevent you from being able to have children? Does he want them?
Author Lipz Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I really appreciate your responses! and for the nice wishes about my illness. I guess that is why I am very confused. I feel that real love means being there through think and thin. I am not sure if it is because he had to go through a lot with me in such a short period of time, but I told him that I have better times, and that I am undergoing the surgery. I will be there for him no matter what happened, but maybe he has a different tolerance level... And yes, i can have kids. You guys have all been on relationships before, and I wanted to hear from all of you, and see if I am crazy or is it not ok to leave someone you love because they are sick....? I feel that I need a lot of reassurance. I am going through a lot, and when health is involved on the equation, it is hard to make it clear for me as of what to do. I love him very much.
central Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 He is not your husband, so his perception of how your future together would play out is going to be part of his decision about what he wants for his future, children, etc. He clearly loves you to have stayed through everything so far, but the potential problems may be too much for him. Many people can't handle it even when they have the vows of marriage to constrain - or encourage - them. 1
Author Lipz Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 It helps me a lot to hear from you guys. I am so confused... I am trying to give it time, but I know that time may not change things. I know that the removal of part of my lung may help him see this differently, but I can't promise that I would recover completely either. I wonder if he is going to stick by me, and see how things progress, or if he is just being nice and somehow compassionate considering that he loves me and feels guilty about breaking up for an illness reason.
Tayla Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Lets hope he does have compassion. Its a leading ingredient in loving someone, and seeing them thru the ailments that crop up in life. I sincerely wish you better days. As someone raised in a medical family, it simply goes with our genes to attend to others and see them gain health or incorporate it into the relationship with dignity and regard. My brothers though are the first to hightail it out of dodge when it comes to medical. They simply cannot handle that we are fragile as we are human. People have their shortcomings...and that too needs regarded.....Sorry that its troubling him. He may not have come to terms that we are finite and at some point in life we will need others to attend to us in order to live life. My concern is for you....you sound so strong and reasonable. Maintain that and hopefully He will come to terms with this and stand by you.
Standard-Fare Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Hearing only your side of the story, it does seem your boyfriend is being cold in looking at this illness as a dealbreaker, if he truly loves you. Most of us could agree that this is something we'd learn to deal with for someone we really loved. Like the marriage vow of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..." However, to play devil's advocate for a second -- we don't know your BF's side of things. We don't know what it was like for him to go through this year with you, and exactly what types of concerns this has raised for him. To give you an example not related to you: I have a friend who's been in and out of the hospital for the last year. If you heard her tell the story, she has chronic health problems such as seizures and migraines. But the bigger picture is that she's become a pill popper and she seems to always invent reasons to go back to the ER for more. Her conditions have never received a proper diagnosis. Her boyfriend has become very frustrated during this process and a breakup seems inevitable. I'm not equating that to your own situation, I'm just saying, sometimes the whole picture is more complicated than it seems. 1
RoseVille Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Hearing only your side of the story, it does seem your boyfriend is being cold in looking at this illness as a dealbreaker, if he truly loves you. Most of us could agree that this is something we'd learn to deal with for someone we really loved. Like the marriage vow of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...". Right, that's a MARRIAGE vow. It's not a love vow. Being with someone in a relationship does not carry with it the same covenants as marriage. The OP asked if it's okay for her BF to end their relationship because her illness is something he doesn't think he can handle. The answer to that question, unfortunately, is yes. He can.
mightycpa Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I know this girl who was engaged to be married, and she got a cancer diagnosis. A part of her body that would probably not be fatal, but would leave her a little disfigured. He bolted a few days after the diagnosis. She was shocked. Her friends and family were appalled. He didn't care. He didn't want that in his life if he could avoid it, so avoid it he did. It was obviously difficult, but the best thing that ever happened to her. She is now a mom of three, limping around everywhere she goes, and she's got a really nice guy of a husband of 20 years and they seem perfectly happy. I guess what I'm saying is that it is not the end of the world.
Author Lipz Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 I can't thank you enough for all of the messages. I am taking each one of them, and really looking at the situation from both perspectives. He contacted me like half an hour ago, and he does not seem to let go, and even invited me out this weekend. He says that although he broke things up, it does not mean that he is not there for me because he cares. That part is pretty confusing, but at the same time makes me feel that he really loves. Me I hate that he says that he is just being very rational, and considering his future. Some of your examples and anecdotes mentioned that when there is love, nothing can't break it, but in my case, I am not sure . He goes both ways. I do not want to push it further and ask him to leave since i love him, but in a way he already did. I am thinking that he has hope on the surgery and the removal of some of the illness, but in my believe, he should stay through think and thin. I know that the is not my husband, and that he CAN leave if he wants to. I wonder what is keeping him there, and if he really would ultimately stay. I have told him that I would do anything for him, but he says that people take things differently, and that my situation is very unpredictable. But, that does not mean that he does not love me.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Sorry to hear that but if he can do that to you now, taking him back will only mean he will leave again when something else hits the fan. Not everyone lives a happy ever after life, and this just shows that he isn't strong enough to be with you when things get tough. There are women who are left at the altar or worst still, left to have a baby alone when they find out they're pregnant, and the baby father abandons them Those kind of men are cowards.
carhill Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Welcome to LS You say you've been together about 18 months and he's been there for you whenever you've been sick. How many times has that been and for how long? What are your general age ranges? Have either of you ever been married before? What's his relationship history, to your knowledge? Has he faced this issue in his family life? My answer to your title is, honestly, I don't know. There was a time in my life that that I'd say 'no way, never would I leave'. After being married and being a caregiver, I don't know anymore. I'd have to think long and hard about that. Best wishes for a positive outcome of your surgery. I recall, when my exW and I were engaged, she went through a few surgeries and one of my personal and somewhat humorous memories of that period was being in recovery when she came out of anesthesia and holding her hair back while she puked in the bucket by the bed. I guess, to me, we were already married at that point and that's how I took care of someone I loved. Time and life can change things.
Standard-Fare Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 @Lipz, at some point you will need to draw a firm line and tell him that you're either together as a couple or you're not. He's going for an in-between right now where he doesn't have to be fully emotionally invested, he can keep his distance from your -- yet still has you around when he wants you. It isn't fair and it's going to make you miserable.
Author Lipz Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 I am grateful for all of the messages, thanks again! I am working on drawing the line. He is still as involved in the health process, and loves me a lot, but I do need to be strong (although we already broke up) and let him go, or accept him under the conditions that he has to accept me for who I am. It hasn't been easy since he is still there caring as much, but just more distanced. It will indeed make me miserable soon...I am already feeling it, and very sad about it. In reference to the other post above, you are also right. I am on the process of coping with all this. I do receive the necessary care, but the illness has been very unpredictable. That is why I am risking it all to have the surgery done later next month...
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