If you are initiating contact with a so-called "friend" at what point do you stop?

[Bobbi7]

Like, if you find yourself always initiating contact with someone, even though they still respond back and follow through to plans, do you ever stop and wait until that person will contact you first and see? Its like if I don't ever contact someone first, I would never get the chance to hang out with them in the first place and I think how clear it is, that these so called friends don't ever think of how I'm doing or wouldn't even care to contact me first...

[StalwartMind]

I think that greatly depends on the individual. Mind you some people are introverts and genuinely don't want to bother others (even if they aren't a bother), and will always wait for others to contact them. By all means this is not true for every introvert or people who just find themselves struggling with issues that prevent them feeling courageous enough.

 

There is no wrong or right way to treat others, in fact it's very much about finding and maintaining relationships that you feel is acceptable. If you feel you get something out of the experiences with those you always have to initiate with, and they love your company, that seems like good reason to keep doing for me. If however they seem absent minded or disinterested in even talking to you or the time they spend with you, I would reconsider my stance with anyone. There will always be a balance to maintain with anything we do, if you feel unhappy with something, then you should consider change of sorts. If I was one of those friends who didn't initiate contact with you, I would want you to tell me. Not everyone will respond well to such, but if someone does care about you, then your feelings and opinion on something should always be valued.

 

This won't guarantee more success, but I feel everyone should put effort into things, I've no issues with things being either way, as long as those involved feel content with what they have, then I don't see much of an issue. I'm always very direct if I have a dislike, and it wouldn't take long for me to tell someone how I feel. Each to their own, hope you just do something that feels right for you, that's the best thing you can do.

[Bobbi7]

Well, I'm done dealing with this fake friend from Meetup! This is only the 2nd time I've reached out to her, but I'm tired of doing all the work.

[angel.eyes]

Then don't.

[rester]

I would say that I initiate plans with friends 90% of the time. This doesn't bother me because people get caught up in their own lives and many people I know are not good at making plans. It doesn't mean that I am less liked or less of a friend to these people. If I enjoy someone's company, I ask them to do things with me. If they can't, I'm okay with that. It will happen another day and I will do what I wanted to do with someone else or by myself.

 

I think giving up after having to initiate only twice, especially when both those times were accepted, is too soon. Is it that much work to ask someone to go out for a drink or to a concert or on a hike? If your friend turns you down, wait 2-3 weeks and ask again. If he/she continually turns you down, I would stop and wait for them to initiate.

 

You also have to realize that new friendships take time. An acquaintance of mine recently moved to my city, and we are becoming friends, but we've only seen each other three times in the last five months. We get together when we find time for each other.

[truthtripper]

.....these so called friends don't ever think of how I'm doing or wouldn't even care to contact me first...

 

I think if the same person has to keep initiating the contact, then the relationship is dysfunctional. There needs to be a balance, even if both parties enjoy the other's company. When a "friend" keeps waiting for the other's contact, it sends out a negative message.

 

My suggestion would be to stop doing all the work, as it's obviously upsetting you and rightly so. If you wait for them to contact you, it's a way of discerning who cares about you and who doesn't. You find out who your real friends are.

[nouedis]

Honestly, if they don't bother to hit you up and see how you're doing then they're not your true friends to begin with. I mean, a friend is someone who cares and constantly checks up on you, right? If they lack that then they were never your friend to begin with.

[writergal]

Honestly, if they don't bother to hit you up and see how you're doing then they're not your true friends to begin with. I mean, a friend is someone who cares and constantly checks up on you, right? If they lack that then they were never your friend to begin with.

 

So true. A friend will reach out to keep in touch. There's reciprocity with friendships. But an acquaintance will just let the connection with you fade, if you never reach out to them, because they don't really view you as friendship material to begin with.

[applej4]

If you are always initiating contact, and the other person is not reciprocating then they aren’t invested in the relationship. It’s not a friendship, and they don’t care about you very much - if at all. They are just tolerating you and agreeing to grace you with their presence. Stop calling, stop contacting this person. Move on. (I had a situation like yours and I put up with it far too long. I stopped contacting the person and we no longer see or talk to each other. I got a Christmas card a few years ago, big deal. Pffft. File 13. Good riddance.)

[justcallmebones]

I can definitely relate. I have a friend who never used tp initiate any contact first. For a long time this really bothered me but after I stopped contacting her after about a month she finally sent me a text asking why I hadn't called lately. I explained to her that I had always been the one to initiate any contact between us which led me to believe she didn't care much about our friendship. This actually helped because it made her realize that if she did want a friendship with me she needed to show a little more effort.

[justanickname]

To share my experience.

I have a very close friend lives in another town. However, even when I consider her as close, if I don't contact her first, it is barely she would call or text me.

I used to tell her, I expected to hear from her sometimes, but she also told me, she does not really care enough for a relationship in general. She thinks if someone cares, then obviously they would contact her, if they don't that means they do not care. Thus, she won't care back.

So we are all clear to each other. In the end, 95% I would start the conversation. But 5% left, if she doesn't hear from me for a month or more, she would ask.

I think it really depends on you, how much do you want to keep the relations, and how much the importance the person to you. Of course it should be from two sides, but once you care and know the person enough, it is not necessary to decide who is the initial.

[Tailor2000]

I like StalwartMind's post. Not everyone is the same, and you have to judge the relationship on everything.

 

Some people really are just introverts - like me. Sort of. Actually Im not so much of an introvert as I am just socially awkward. I find it difficult to invite people out. I find it difficult to invite myself to their houses - I always feel they should be doing that. I can't turn up on their doorstep. But the times I've been told off for not doing that!

 

So if the person is finding it difficult to initiate conversation because they think they're being a nuisance, you also have to look at - do they make time to be with you? Do they enjoy being with you?

 

I've got a couple of people in my circle who don't initiate, but also don't accept any invitations and simply seem like they don't want to spend any time with me. That's where I draw the line.

[Bobbi7]

I met her in one of the meetup groups-she was the one that messaged me first, introduced herself to me, etc, etc, told me that if I should let her know if I ever wanted to hang out. We met for coffee talked, exchanged numbers, until then, I keep texting her first-twice...I think I'm just going to meet up with her this one last time and see how she acts towards me...