I love her, but our relationship is draining - what do I do?

[Mario96]

This may be a lengthy post so my apologies.

For a bit of background I'm 18, I've been with my girlfriend for around 8 months and before that I knew her for just under 8 years (as we were good friends through family etc.).

Well it sort of started off with her telling me (through friends) that she liked me, it was kinda unexpected since I've always thought of her as more of a sister/best friend than a love interest yet when she confronted me with the idea eventually I did like it - I mean she was one of my best friends, I loved her a great deal, we already hung out loads and very much enjoyed each others company, I mean what could go wrong?

From the get go I realised that this may be harder than I initially thought, there were HUGE trust issues. Now I must confess that I have never had too difficult a time doing well for myself with those of the opposite sex and for one reason or another I've always had more friends who have been girls that guys. I had also dated a couple of her friends beforehand and her best friend liked me a year or so ago. She was a little bit clingy and very insecure in the sense that she felt the need to make jokes about my friends who were girls and how it was great how many girls liked me or bringing up sensitive topics from the past about a girl that I had cared for a great deal but had to move away with her family. I was actually very understanding of this, keep in mind I'd known this girl for half of my life - I cared for her probably more than anybody else in the world excluding my own mother and I would never hurt her in any way so I carried on and for a time it worked. Well actually, I felt that she had began trusting me and the out of order comments seemed to disappear.

Then another hurdle. One of her best friends happens to be an ex of her, so admittedly I've never understood this but I do not judge and I wouldn't want her to lose a friend because of me - she did stupid things like going out and getting wasted with him and he simply acted inappropriately, for example one time trying to kiss her as well as attempting to constantly talk **** about me.

She did defend me to an extent but when I brought up the whole fiasco about him trying to kiss her she seemed to care very little, I was slightly hurt - as much as I thought I was very understanding and acting in a mature fashion she seemed to brush the whole thing off.

I let it go and I moved on.

We bickered from time to time but apart from that things were okay - whenever I was with her we had the greatest of times. She's funny, sweet, caring, and the most gentle soul. Yet I am ashamed to say that when I have been out before (due to work or simply socialising) and girls have flirted with me I have wanted to flirt back. I NEVER did. But I wanted to and that has always bugged me. When away from her, I find myself questioning whether this relationship is really for the long haul or not. I find myself sometimes thinking about other girls that I've been with and comparing them which I soon after feel awful about.

About two months ago when she was on my phone (simply talking to a mutual friend) she came across a random text, I had reciprocated a joke with a lesbian friend of mine about a threesome, yes I know incredibly inappropriate but she was a lesbian and also leaving to go away for a period of 6 months and I thought the whole thing simply was a joke. My girlfriend broke up with me in an instant.

I was heartbroken, ashamed, feeling awful about what I had done.

I tried everything and eventually she did come back to me. It's been a rough ride over the past month. FYI I've never cheated on my girlfriend nor do I ever plan to and yet she questions my loyalty and the fact that I care for her practically every day. So much so that sometimes I ask myself those questions at times (quickly dismissing them afterwards).

The lack of trust has really gotten to me. I'm very outgoing and confident and always will have great trust in my significant other, I simply live and let live. At times I have found myself putting in far more effort into our relationship than she has and after the problems arose after she saw the text she has been stand-offish. Not when we're together, but when we're away from one another.

She even told me the other day that she doesn't really care anymore, (even though she knows I did not cheat on her as was confirmed to her by multiple friends of mine/ours). It hurts knowing that I've opened myself up to someone and she does not believe that I love or care for her. It hurts and yet I still care for her more than anyone and want to stay with her.

 

I just don't know if I'm being an idiot or not.

 

The friend I texted for example she practically guilt tripped me into stopping talking to her and we always seem to argue. I understand arguing 5% of the time but with us it seems that in the past 8 months we've argued for at least a good 4. I'm at a point now where I really have to decide whether this is something that will last or whether I'm being naive. She tells me she loves me and about how much she cared for me before seeing the text, yet I can't help thinking that this is simply an excuse, there was so little substance to it. We've had arguments but I always find myself compromising more than her. Whenever we go out, I'm the one organising everything and when we're out, as much fun as we do have, I can't help feeling she wants to be somewhere else at times.

 

I really am lost on what to do. I used to do what I pleased with not a care in the world. In fact I quite like that way of living my life. I enjoyed having the freedom to do whatever I pleased - I admit that it sounds as if I want to be with other girls but I assure you that that matters little to me. I'm a driven individual and at times I feel as if her drive in life doesn't match up to mine. I'm hugely ambitious, she wants to just get by. I am passionate about a great many things and enjoy living life to the fullest, she doesn't seem to be passionate about anything. Sometimes it's hard to even have a conversation with her. Now keep in mind she is very intelligent, yet I find myself never really being able to hold conversation with her which is not rather basic. I find myself stifled but I find it even harder to let her go.

 

I feel like I've spent so long talking about the downsides. I assure you there are a great many things I love about us. She is like I said probably the girl I care about most in the world, I would hate to lost her from my life and it crushes me knowing she doesn't believe I love her. Yet equally, the pragmatic part of me thinks that I'm so young that I need to experience life. Being stifled is not acceptable. I go back and forth with these various ideas and can't seem to draw a conclusion on what on earth I should do.

 

Any input guys/girls?

[spiderowl]

You are obviously wondering whether to continue with this relationship or not. You seem to feel she's not giving you much back - is this true?

 

She does sound insecure but then again it sounds like you've occasionally done things that would make her wonder about you, e.g. the threesome message.

 

Having been with someone for a long time does not necessarily make them the best long-term partner for someone. On the other hand, it does count for a lot as familiarity, love and trust are not so easily replaceable.

 

Are there points at which you feel your relationship with her has changed? If so, what happened to trigger the change and how did the relationship change? I am asking to see if and how it has changed over the years - for the better or not.

Edited August 18, 2015 by spiderowl

[Mario96]

You are obviously wondering whether to continue with this relationship or not. You seem to feel she's not giving you much back - is this true?

 

She does sound insecure but then again it sounds like you've occasionally done things that would make her wonder about you, e.g. the threesome message.

 

Having been with someone for a long time does not necessarily make them the best long-term partner for someone. On the other hand, it does count for a lot as familiarity, love and trust are not so easily replaceable.

 

Are there points at which you feel your relationship with her has changed? If so, what happened to trigger the change and how did the relationship change? I am asking to see if and how it has changed over the years - for the better or not.

 

Thank you for the response.

 

See the difficulty lies in the fact that I know she cares a great deal about me but partly due to I suppose the threesome message etc. she doesn't want to show herself to care too much because of the fear of me perhaps moving on. I've known her for a long time and I know that this is what she's thinking, one of her best friends whom I've also known for a great length of time talks about how she thinks I could be with anyone else if I wanted - I don't really see any reason to bring that up to be honest unless she believed I didn't want to be with her; as much as I ramble on here about not knowing what to do I do care about her deeply.

 

I must admit that up until the text messages she'd began trusting me more and gotten a lot closer, she's also a lot more comfortable with PDA, I guess this is partly why I feel like all the work we've put in has amounted to nothing because of it but it seems to me like there's so little substance to the texts etc. that I wonder whether she is really all that invested in us.

In terms of how we've changed over the years, I've known her family and she mine for years and we grew ever closer as the years went by. The truth is however I feel like she's not my best friend anymore. One of the things I really want from a significant other is for her to be my best friend and it seems that has become less of the case and I'm not sure why.

 

It's all rather complicated, well in my head at least.

[spiderowl]

So she wasn't very trusting and now she is less trusting? Would you say that was the case? Perhaps you think she is withholding herself because of lack of trust.

 

From the sound of it, you also feel she is withdrawing interaction and affection. Saying you no longer feel she is your best friend is quite significant. What changed and when?

 

Have you talked to her about any of this?

[Mario96]

So she wasn't very trusting and now she is less trusting? Would you say that was the case? Perhaps you think she is withholding herself because of lack of trust.

 

From the sound of it, you also feel she is withdrawing interaction and affection. Saying you no longer feel she is your best friend is quite significant. What changed and when?

 

Have you talked to her about any of this?

 

Well she wasn't trusting, then she was quite trusting, now again to square one.

I'm not sure I suppose the way we interacted changed with our relationship changing, I must say that one thing that has always bugged me a little is that she has a tendency to get her friends to attempt to solve our disputes as oppose to facing them, she is not one for confrontation in any shape or form.

 

I have talked to her about most of this, she either brushes it off by changing the topic or gets genuinely upset which is something I simply cannot bare.

 

I'm sure she cares for me, I'm sure I care for her.

I'm not completely sure whether we have a future.

[spiderowl]

It's difficult if she won't talk to you about things. It could be fear of criticism on her part, especially if she thinks you want to break up with her.

 

If talking doesn't work, how about writing to each other? I understand that can help at times where couples find it hard to communicate.

[Qboro90]

Sounds to me like deep down you are feeling more and more that you want to be single and be able to live your life a little bit more freely and the last few months with your gf is making you more and more antsy. Yet you feel bad about it because you've known her so long and she was a best friend/sister type before you dated so you feel guilty telling her that you're not head over heels madly in love and 100% confident that you can see her being your gf 5 years from now and even less certain you can see her being your wife at some point. But the part of you that cares about her may be worried that if you break up now you risk her not being willing to get back together with you later on and/or losing the friend you've had for so long. Any of that resonate?

 

If you guys are really that close then you should sit down and talk to her. Ask her if the spark that was there the first few months is still just as strong in her mind. You can tell her that at 8 months together you don't think you should be having these issues about one another pulling back and withholding their full effort or care even after moving past the threesome text issue. That was just an immature move but she shouldn't be threatened by a lesbian who isn't going to even live near you anymore. So if something relatively small like that is causing this much of a headache then I think that's a sign that the long term hurdles you'd have to go through together will be much harder to deal with.

 

At 18 years old it's normal to want to flirt with other girls and experience meeting new people. That doesn't mean you don't care about your gf, it just means your 18 and not gearing up towards marriage or anything to that degree right now. Nothing wrong with that. I think that you and her just got together at the wrong time in your lives. It might be best to tell her that you love her and never want to lose her in your life but you think that at this point and age in your lives and after trying to date, you may just be better suited to be friends, and not BF/gf. You care about her too much to ever hurt her so instead of risking that you think you should end it before that happens. Make sure she knows that there's not another girl you like more or it's not because you want to go out and hook up with other girls. But you don't want to feel guilty and feel like you're betraying her if in 6 months you meet someone you want to learn more about.